Eutow Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 (edited) I want to make it clear that I am not second guessing my commitment due to the fact that my ex has called... my main question is how I can handle this without hurting my ex too much because she was once a big part of my life and I am not cold hearted. Heres an extremely brief background on everything: Relationship with my ex: Met her 4 years ago, we dated and I ended the relationship because I was scared. I ran away because I loved her and I did not know it at the time. I contacted her 2 years later and we started seeing each other and things got pretty serious. She told me she loved me and I was the happiest ive ever been because I thought that I was given a second chance with her. ...That is until I found out she was seeing someone the whole time since I came back to her. I was hurt, but I stayed with her since I know we werent official...and I had hopes she would fully come back to me. After a year or so of this, giving all of my heart to her and feeling like she felt it too...she ended up breaking things with her then current boyfriend... but she never came back to me. I became obsessed, and that drove us further apart until I finally gave up on her after chasing her for another year. I basically had a relaionship with her in my mind that she never knew existed, and i fell into the deepest depression after having my heart crushed. My new love: Time went by and my wounds started to heal. It was definitely a long, hard process with most of my time spent crying and not caring about life. I slowly started to go out more and get myself together...meet new women and date. My ex was still on my mind now and then, but I realized that things were over. One night early this past summer, my friends invited me to a cookout...I was not even going to go, but something changed my mind last minute. That cookout is where I met my now fiancee who I love more than anything in the world! Funny thing, she wasnt even going to go either...but changed her mind last minute as well. Crazy how things work out! After me and my ex lost touch, but before I met my fiancee...I was at a point where I never thought I would be able to love again, but only now do I realize that with my ex, I was in love with the feeling of love more than I was with her. I now know what true love is and would not trade it for the world, especially for an ex who has hurt me in the past. Anyways, the thing that gets me is- how does something that I spent years wishing for and dreaming of happening, happens 2 days after I get engaged??? I got a phone call and did not recognize the number, but picked up. It was my ex and she basically said she wants me back. She was drunk and started babbling on about all the good times we had, how she left her boyfriend I previously mentioned because of me, she brought up all the specific memories and times we shared, she said we were made for each other...she did everything short of reading back to me poems I wrote to her! ...all this while i was on the phone thinking to myself "what the hell do i tell her?" Part of me felt like yes, redemption, finally. haahaa. But I am not like that...I realize she is human too and is going through the same thing I was when she left me...so I do have some empathy. Part of me wants to save her the stress of what I went through, but part of me does not even care... for all I know she just wants a random hookup and is feeling down on things because she is lonely and misses being treated well. In your experience, will telling her I am engaged be cause for more calls/harassment or should I just outright ignore her? I have no problem with either one, but I do want to let her down easy. Edited March 1, 2010 by Eutow Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 be honest. that always keep things simple. also understand that you were talking to her drunk self. this is not a clear indication of what she truly would say while sober. it ended for a reason... know that and remember how she didn't have you as her priority... that says a lot about her character and priorities - don't try to pretend she is something she's not. when it's done - it's done for a reason - always move forward - it just works out best not to look and go backwards. Link to post Share on other sites
Getting_stronger Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 I think ignore the message. She was drunk abd you can safely assume she didnt know what she was saying/doing. If she ever contacts you again- tell her you are engaged. But I think leave that until (and if) you ever hear from her again. Tell your fiance- she would apprecaite your openness and you can use her stregth to keep you focussed. She sounds like a keeper Heres to you, her, your wonderful life together and lots of big fat healthy babies Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 Tell her your wish of her calling came xxx yrs too late. You loved her deeply, but now know what true love is. You don't wish to hurt her, but you have moved on and now you're engaged. Give her the truth (even if it hurts) and wish her well. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 Your lucky it's only happened once with your ex...I had one that had a pattern of doing this and because it was long distance R the majority of the time it made it easier to play the game....I would always "hope" that he was for real...he'd call profess undying love, I can't live without you rataratarata....then he would call maybe a few days and fade out again...I didn't care really as I couldnot take him seriously....then this last year I think he was serious, although I faded out this time and man was he pissed.... Ok...he did this to me how many times???? I didnot do this on purpose, just not interested really and expected much of the same...so really not understanding the level of arrogance involved here....I never got mad when he did this to me....although he gets pissed? Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 I think just tell her the truth. You don't have to be cruel and tell her you know what true love is now. That's unnecessary information. Perhaps you were truly in love with her also at one time. Tell her the time you had together was so special to you, but you have since started a new relationship and are engaged. Wish her much happiness. The end. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 (edited) Oh, I do have to jump in here.... If dealing with this ex were only a matter of polite how-to's, you wouldn't be here. Me thinks that you still have a passionate interest in your Ex. You said of your fiance, that you love her "More than anything else in the world". All right. That is indeed beautiful. But to my ears (and eyes), that is more along the lines of what a proud father says of his sweet, fair 12 year old daughter. One does not get a sense of passion there---well, let me say, this poster does not. I think you are testing the waters on this forum to see what the ladies here might say regarding a meeting with the Ex. I could be wrong, but I think you do carry a torch. MAKE SURE that your "hots" are for the current girl, do not spend your life with a heavy-duty "what if". My advice? Meet the ex to see what the vibe is, but tell your current fiance that you are doing so, so there are no problems, no sneaking about at the outset. If your fiance is uncomfortable, respect that and honor her wish. DO NOT remain engaged if you are pining for someone else. Heartache. Now...all of what I say here is based on my assumption that you DO still have feelings. If I am totally off on this, apologies in advance and please do disregard this. xo OE Edited March 1, 2010 by OldEurope Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted March 1, 2010 Share Posted March 1, 2010 (edited) On the face of it, it looks like you have WAY too much interest in your ex. To have thought about it this much and to have constructed a long post on a forum about it....makes it sound like you aren't just thinking of this as an afterthought. Especially when she just made a drunken phone call, which shouldn't be taken too seriously anyway. Don't mess up what you have with your fiancee. Tell your ex that you have moved on, wish her luck with her future love life, and say that it is better that you 2 don't have any more contact (she is, after all, interested in more than friendship). Congratulations on the lovely new girl in your life, though... Edited March 1, 2010 by torranceshipman Link to post Share on other sites
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