Should I go after him?

[QueSaraSara]

I'm really not sure where to start...

 

I guess I'll start by saying I'm married with a kid and I am in love with another man.

 

In April 2009 I was working at Papa John's delivering pizza. There was a guy who had been working there since Dec. 08 but we really hadn't gotten to know each other. One day I asked him a serious question just when he was about to go on a delivery and since we were slow he asked me to tag along so we could talk more about it. We talked, learned a lot about each other and realized we had a ton in common and he asked to be my friend. He got my phone number and we talked about once a day and he would come see me after working his primary job. For a while it was just a great friendship. As time went on we started to develop feelings for each other.

 

While on a delivery together one day, he kissed me. About a week later we were starting to feel guilty about what we were doing and he told me that he would leave his wife in a heartbeat to be with me. Later that day we were on another delivery together and his wife saw us. The next morning he came in while I was working, turned in his uniform and said goodbye. He said he told his wife everything and he thought it would be best if he left to fix his marriage.

 

This whole affair lasted a total of 3 weeks...It has been 10 months now since he left. I have had absolutely no contact with him.

 

I miss him so much it hurts. I'm in tears just writing this.

 

I love my husband but I have never felt for him what I felt for this other guy. At times I tell myself that if he ever came back I would leave my husband in a heartbeat to be with him. I cry myself to sleep some nights, I still work at Papa John's and sometimes I cry while on deliveries just thinking about how much I wish he was there with me again.

 

He's married with kids. I'm married with a kid. But I love him more than anything. So, I guess my question is do I go after him? Do I find him and tell him how I feel? Or just leave him alone and be unhappy the rest of my life? What if he feels the same way?

[ladydesigner]

He's married with kids. I'm married with a kid. But I love him more than anything. So, I guess my question is do I go after him? Do I find him and tell him how I feel? Or just leave him alone and be unhappy the rest of my life? What if he feels the same way?

Sweetie I think you probably know the answer to your question. He had already left to work on his marriage, he hasn't contacted you. I do not think it is in your best interest to contact him, he has made his choice. I'm sorry you are hurting. Be thankful it did not go on for years and then end with him throwing you under the bus.

 

If you are unhappy in your marriage you should seek a MC or divorce. You won't be unhappy for the rest of your life, you just need to stop thinking about him and replace those thoughts with other things like hobbies, yourself, anything you are interested in.

 

Do not contact him. As some will say he is where he wants to be.

 

Hang in there sweetie, keep posting here, and welcome to LS.

[jennie-jennie]

I'd go after him, but that's me, I have been the other woman for four years now and am pretty happy just being in a relationship with the love of my life even though he still is married. That is how much I value true love.

[RedDevil66]

You had a 3 week affair and it's been 10 months you've seen him and you're still burning for him?!

 

Ok, listen, you're not burning for him, what you have is an unhappy marriage and you're carrying this fantasy in your head.

 

Sure chase him and end up like the 99.999999% of the unhappy other women at this site.

 

Use your energy to get a divorce or clean up your marriage and not waste it on this fantasy you're having. The guy left his job and is repairing his life, chasing him would be a little psycho if you ask me

[skywriter]

About a week later we were starting to feel guilty about what we were doing and he told me that he would leave his wife in a heartbeat to be with me.

 

 

There's your answer. He threw you under the bus, when it all hit the fan. He said, one thing and did another.

 

I'm sorry. Maybe you should concentrate on how you and your H could improve your marriage.

 

I hope that in the future you will not put your trust in any more MM.

[whichwayisup]

If you were single, and after 3 weeks of being with someone and it ended, then 10 months went by, would you STILL be chasing??????

 

You are married, and have a child. STOP and let go.

 

If you can't move past this, then I suggest you seek some counselling, it's not normal to still hold a flame for this long, even MORE SO since you barely this guy, and only had a 3 week affair. There's something really wrong here.

 

Anyway you could always leave your child with your H and divorce and then go pursue this guy. To hang on, and stay married is just so pointless. You can be his side dish, lose all that you love in your life to be the OW, to be second fiddle.

[BB07]

Maybe your life isn't so great right now or exciting enough for you and you are bored with yourself and your marriage? 3 weeks isn't a reality. You are holding on to a dream/fantasy of what might have been and sadly the reality is a lot of hurt and pain if you both had carried on. If you do care about this guy......let him go and let your mind let go of a fantasy. I'm willing to bet you are very young.......is that right?

[jennie-jennie]

If you were single, and after 3 weeks of being with someone and it ended, then 10 months went by, would you STILL be chasing??????

 

You are married, and have a child. STOP and let go.

 

If you can't move past this, then I suggest you seek some counselling, it's not normal to still hold a flame for this long, even MORE SO since you barely this guy, and only had a 3 week affair. There's something really wrong here.

 

Anyway you could always leave your child with your H and divorce and then go pursue this guy. To hang on, and stay married is just so pointless. You can be his side dish, lose all that you love in your life to be the OW, to be second fiddle.

 

OK, I guess I missed the part about 3 weeks. I will have to agree with whichwayisup then. You should be over this by now. He has clearly showed you it is over between you two. It sounds like this symbolizes something missing in your life more than him actually being the one you miss.

[moaningmyrtle]

OK, I guess I missed the part about 3 weeks. I will have to agree with whichwayisup then. You should be over this by now. He has clearly showed you it is over between you two. It sounds like this symbolizes something missing in your life more than him actually being the one you miss.

 

Thank you for clarifying Jennie - I was surprised at your first response as it seemed so out of character for you. I "get" that you believe in pursuing true love at considerable (any?) cost; but to recommend it for such a short period of emotional investment did not seem to fit with your usual considered advice.

[bestplayer]

I'm really not sure where to start...

 

I guess I'll start by saying I'm married with a kid and I am in love with another man.

 

In April 2009 I was working at Papa John's delivering pizza. There was a guy who had been working there since Dec. 08 but we really hadn't gotten to know each other. One day I asked him a serious question just when he was about to go on a delivery and since we were slow he asked me to tag along so we could talk more about it. We talked, learned a lot about each other and realized we had a ton in common and he asked to be my friend. He got my phone number and we talked about once a day and he would come see me after working his primary job. For a while it was just a great friendship. As time went on we started to develop feelings for each other.

 

While on a delivery together one day, he kissed me. About a week later we were starting to feel guilty about what we were doing and he told me that he would leave his wife in a heartbeat to be with me. Later that day we were on another delivery together and his wife saw us. The next morning he came in while I was working, turned in his uniform and said goodbye. He said he told his wife everything and he thought it would be best if he left to fix his marriage.

 

This whole affair lasted a total of 3 weeks...It has been 10 months now since he left. I have had absolutely no contact with him.

 

I miss him so much it hurts. I'm in tears just writing this.

 

I love my husband but I have never felt for him what I felt for this other guy. At times I tell myself that if he ever came back I would leave my husband in a heartbeat to be with him. I cry myself to sleep some nights, I still work at Papa John's and sometimes I cry while on deliveries just thinking about how much I wish he was there with me again.

 

He's married with kids. I'm married with a kid. But I love him more than anything. So, I guess my question is do I go after him? Do I find him and tell him how I feel? Or just leave him alone and be unhappy the rest of my life? What if he feels the same way?

 

well as u said if u leave this other guy u will reamin unhappy rest of ur life & if he ever comes back u will leave ur husband in a heartbeat , i think it clearly shows ur husband stands nowhere in ur heart , its better to get rid of ur husband now than dump him later when ur other man comes back to u .

be truthful , do it the right way , divorce ur husband now & then think about ur true love . ur husband doesn't need to married to person who cries herself to sleep over other man & can dump him in a heartbeat for 3 week affair .

if u want to be happy , take action , get out of ur marriage rather than just crying & having affairs & keep faking ur love for ur husband .

 

Good luck

[fooled once]

I'm somewhat of a newbie here too (welcome), but I have to say as an xOW, I think you are being quite selfish. You are only thinking of you and how you feel.

Nowhere in your post have I seen any consideration for your husband, your child, your MM's W and kids, or really even the MM himself. He left because he felt like it was what HE needed to do. YOU need to respect that.

 

Totally agree.

 

A 3 week affair and 10 months later you are still agonizing over it?

 

I actually think counseling would be a VERY good thing for you.

 

by no means should ANYONE stay in a marriage where they are unhappy, but to throw it all away on the pizza delivery guy who you really don't know except for when you went on deliveries together .... you don't really KNOW him. You know very little about the REAL guy.

 

Additionally, he showed you by his actions that what you felt, he didn't feel. He chose his wife, his marriage, his family. He hasn't contacted you at all. His actions say to you he wasn't really that into you. I don't say that to be mean; I say that to give you some perspective.

 

But I would look into counseling in your shoes. And if you don't want to work on your marriage, that is your call. But don't think you can leave the marriage for this guy because this guy isn't into you. Talk to your H about marriage counseling. Communicate with HIM the issues you feel.

 

Good luck.

[bestplayer]

Totally agree.

 

A 3 week affair and 10 months later you are still agonizing over it?

 

I actually think counseling would be a VERY good thing for you.

 

by no means should ANYONE stay in a marriage where they are unhappy, but to throw it all away on the pizza delivery guy who you really don't know except for when you went on deliveries together .... you don't really KNOW him. You know very little about the REAL guy.

 

Additionally, he showed you by his actions that what you felt, he didn't feel. He chose his wife, his marriage, his family. He hasn't contacted you at all. His actions say to you he wasn't really that into you. I don't say that to be mean; I say that to give you some perspective.

 

But I would look into counseling in your shoes. And if you don't want to work on your marriage, that is your call. But don't think you can leave the marriage for this guy because this guy isn't into you. Talk to your H about marriage counseling. Communicate with HIM the issues you feel.

 

Good luck.

 

I think counselling should be a good idea , but first of all she needs to get rid of her husband before she finds another true love.

[QueSaraSara]

Thanks guys for all of your comments. I really needed to hear a lot of that and I think you're right. Maybe I am just trying to fill a void in my marriage. The thought of marriage counseling is starting to sound more and more appealing as time goes on. I think we might try it. I do love my husband. He's a great guy. Maybe I'm missing some things that I don't really realize I'm missing. And I have thought of that several times, that I didn't really KNOW him. How could I love someone I only knew for three weeks? If he hasn't contacted me then he obviously doesn't want to be with me and I need to get over it.

 

Your comments REALLY helped. I needed that.

 

PS. Yes I am young, I'm 23. (24 next week )

Edited February 27, 2010 by QueSaraSara

[whichwayisup]

Glad to hear it. That OM/MM has moved on, so yes, it's time for you to give up and let go.

 

Reconnect with your husband. Obviously you loved him alot at some point, enough to marry him and have a child with him.

 

Find out what is missing inside of you, what needs your H isn't meeting.. It is possible your H is feeling he needs aren't being met either, so marriage counselling is a good way of fixing things, and learning how to communicate, really understand and listen to one another.

[bestplayer]

Thanks guys for all of your comments. I really needed to hear a lot of that and I think you're right. Maybe I am just trying to fill a void in my marriage. The thought of marriage counseling is starting to sound more and more appealing as time goes on. I think we might try it. I do love my husband. He's a great guy. Maybe I'm missing some things that I don't really realize I'm missing. And I have thought of that several times, that I didn't really KNOW him. How could I love someone I only knew for three weeks? If he hasn't contacted me then he obviously doesn't want to be with me and I need to get over it.

 

Your comments REALLY helped. I needed that.

 

PS. Yes I am young, I'm 23. (24 next week )

 

well to fall in love u don't need even 3 weeks just a sight may be enough .

what if that guy comes back then what happens to husband ?

[Getting_stronger]

That first flush of endorphins when you meet someone you like a lot is a drug to your brain. It literally is addictive. This honeymoon stage lasts anywhere from 1-6 mths, mostly 3. You are addicted to each other, typically idealise each other and tend to 'halo' them- ie their bad bits are endearing rather than irritating.

 

After a few months this feeling changes to a more endearing feeling. Those bad habits actually become annoying now, other aspects of life become busy and you have less need to be together 24/7. Many relationships end in this period- particularly affairs.

 

The fact that this thing ended in the very early, endorphin charged phase- is the exact reason you still pine for him. If it ha lasted a few months, he would have become very 'regular' and a lot less ideal than he seems to you now.

 

Get counselling, work on your marriage, know that he moved on and you would have too eventually.

[QueSaraSara]

bestplayer-When I think back now about what I really knew about him, now that the endorphins are gone, I don't see what made him so special. In fact, he seems like the kind of guy I normally avoid. He has three kids and I highly doubt I could handle taking on three step-kids. So if he were to come back now I would tell him the feeling is gone and I love my husband. We had a fun three weeks but I'm over it and I will never cheat on my husband again. I can't handle seeing him so hurt.

 

getting_stronger-Perfect is the only word that comes to mind when I read what you wrote. That really put it all into perspective. I feel like I'm almost over him already.

 

I am so glad I decided to post on here! Thank you everyone!

[bestplayer]

bestplayer-When I think back now about what I really knew about him, now that the endorphins are gone, I don't see what made him so special. In fact, he seems like the kind of guy I normally avoid. He has three kids and I highly doubt I could handle taking on three step-kids. So if he were to come back now I would tell him the feeling is gone and I love my husband. We had a fun three weeks but I'm over it and I will never cheat on my husband again. I can't handle seeing him so hurt.

 

getting_stronger-Perfect is the only word that comes to mind when I read what you wrote. That really put it all into perspective. I feel like I'm almost over him already.

 

I am so glad I decided to post on here! Thank you everyone!

 

thats great to hear u r done with this .

Best of luck