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"Thrown under the bus"


jennie-jennie

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jennie-jennie

My MM and I discussed "the OW being thrown under the bus" yesterday. We seemed to have different opinions of what this expression means. I would appreciate if someone could explain to me whether it means:

 

1) ending the relationship with the OW on Dday

 

2) ending the relationship with the OW on Dday whilst denying that she ever really meant something, denying that you ever really loved her

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Just ending it isn't "throwing her under the bus". Ending it and minimizing the affair and the other woman is.

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But by virtue of ending it, aren't they minimizing, or at least assigning a lower status to the OW/OM than the W/H? :confused:

 

If the affair and the OW/OM were more important than the spouse, the M would end - not the affair.

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On D-Day, when the wife discovers the affair and possibly who the OW is...the MM often

throws the OW "under the bus" by trying to deflect all or part of the BS anger from him and onto OW. He does this by portraying the OW as either unimportant to him, a stalker, or saying he feels sorry for her. Sometimes he tries the same thing with his wife as he may have tried with OW : making himself look like the victim.

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But by virtue of ending it, aren't they minimizing, or at least assigning a lower status to the OW/OM than the W/H? :confused:

 

If the affair and the OW/OM were more important than the spouse, the M would end - not the affair.

 

I agree with this. The WS does not have to actively play down the affair for it to be apparent that ultimately the marriage is more important. By ending the affair, they are effectively saying that the promises made to the OW/OM etc did not really count (at least to the extent implied) when it came to the crunch. The promises, love and commitment in the marriage meant more to the WS (although with a very poor way of showing it).

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The same men who "throw OW under the bus" are the same types who convince OW that their wife is nuts or the marriage on paper only.

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The same men who "throw OW under the bus" are the same types who convince OW that their wife is nuts or the marriage on paper only.

 

It's all part of the deception to ensure that the WS continues to get what they want regardless of how it impacts on others.

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MM often throws the OW "under the bus" by trying to deflect all or part of the BS anger from him and onto OW. He does this by portraying the OW as either unimportant to him, a stalker, or saying he feels sorry for her. Sometimes he tries the same thing with his wife as he may have tried with OW : making himself look like the victim.

 

Yes, I experienced this as an OM.

 

A lot of OW get "thrown under the bus" and the A still continues.

 

This too. Great lessons in life, they were :)

 

My experience aligns with point number two. I also saw signs of the same dynamic much later, with a completely different partner (for the prior MW). Compartmentalized sociopathy. The fog has cleared and clarity has returned. :)

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jennie-jennie
But by virtue of ending it, aren't they minimizing, or at least assigning a lower status to the OW/OM than the W/H? :confused:

 

If the affair and the OW/OM were more important than the spouse, the M would end - not the affair.

 

I agree with this. The WS does not have to actively play down the affair for it to be apparent that ultimately the marriage is more important. By ending the affair, they are effectively saying that the promises made to the OW/OM etc did not really count (at least to the extent implied) when it came to the crunch. The promises, love and commitment in the marriage meant more to the WS (although with a very poor way of showing it).

 

The above is what I thought. Interesting. It seems the opinions on LS are divided as well. Keep the answers coming. :)

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I agree with all the posts as being reasons of "thrown under the bus." Plain and simple, the OW/OM were not chosen in the end.

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My response when H attempted to begin throwing ONE of the OW beneath the wheels:

 

Really? She is crazy. She is unattractive? She has problems?

And you ditched me and my daughter for her?

 

Thats the best you could get? Or thats what you like?

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Thrown under the bus to me means minimizing the relationship, minimizing the OW as a person, saying it was just sex, or that maybe even that the OW had tricked or seduced him into it... saying whatever he had to say to keep him out of trouble.

 

A lot of OW get "thrown under the bus" and the A still continues.

 

Basically. I told my MM to throw me under the bus (i.e. present it as all my fault/idea) when telling his wife the situation (me being in an open marriage and interested in him).

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My response when H attempted to begin throwing ONE of the OW beneath the wheels:

 

Really? She is crazy. She is unattractive? She has problems?

And you ditched me and my daughter for her?

 

Thats the best you could get? Or thats what you like?

 

:laugh: LOL 2Sure this sounds similar to what I told my H when he threw his OW under the bus. Not any one of them could be compared to me. They were all less attractive, less motivated, less career wise, it goes on and on he definitely "affair-ed down" so to speak. I feel sorry for them though that they fell for his bullcrap. And no I did not win the "prize."

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My response when H attempted to begin throwing ONE of the OW beneath the wheels:

 

Really? She is crazy. She is unattractive? She has problems?

And you ditched me and my daughter for her?

 

Thats the best you could get? Or thats what you like?

 

If this is throwing the OW under the bus.. it's also 'gaslighting' the W... because it's BULL... ;)

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Its ALL bullsh*t.

Maybe its because I have been OW in the past...but I would never ever allow my H to talk bad about any of the women he took advantage of.

That would demean not only her, but ME.

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If this is throwing the OW under the bus.. it's also 'gaslighting' the W... because it's BULL... ;)

 

Yes Lizzie I agree I think it's all a bunch of Bull.

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jennie-jennie
If this is throwing the OW under the bus.. it's also 'gaslighting' the W... because it's BULL... ;)

 

Lizzie, I love your comment! How true!

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LucreziaBorgia

Just ending an affair is not 'throwing under the bus'.

 

Literally, throwing someone under the bus means you were both in the path of the oncoming bus, and you literally pushed someone under the wheels and sacrificed them in an attempt to push yourself away with the same motion, thus saving your own ass at the expense of the other person.

 

In the OW/MM context, it means that the MM shifts all the blame on the OW, makes her out to be the 'bad guy', declares that it was 'nothing' - all so that he can save his OWN ass at OW's expense and stay married.

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Thrown under the bus to me means minimizing the relationship, minimizing the OW as a person, saying it was just sex, or that maybe even that the OW had tricked or seduced him into it... saying whatever he had to say to keep him out of trouble.

 

A lot of OW get "thrown under the bus" and the A still continues.

 

Would have to agree as it is not just a decision for one on D-Day or any other day. To me it is complete/partial denial of the feelings/status of one or the other, meaning the BS or OW/OM

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Just ending an affair is not 'throwing under the bus'.

 

Literally, throwing someone under the bus means you were both in the path of the oncoming bus, and you literally pushed someone under the wheels and sacrificed them in an attempt to push yourself away with the same motion, thus saving your own ass at the expense of the other person.

 

In the OW/MM context, it means that the MM shifts all the blame on the OW, makes her out to be the 'bad guy', declares that it was 'nothing' - all so that he can save his OWN ass at OW's expense and stay married.

 

Yep........

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I always assumed it was more than the sudden ending of a relationship and did not include necessarily bad-mouthing the OW/OM.

 

I think it is the betrayal of the OW/OM in learning that the MM/MW suddenly switches gears by relentlessly pursuing the marital relationship they had intimated they would someday leave for months? years? of promising their undying love to the OW/OM and alluding to an exclusive future with them.

 

Not only does the affair end abruptly, but the same MM/MW is fighting to save the very relationship he/she said was so unfulfilling....and in doing so, must now minimize the relationship they claimed was the end all, be all.

 

Now, they begin to share the details of the reconciliation with the former AP, the good (less so) the bad, and the ugly in the hopes the AP will hang around to shore them up in the event they cannot reconcile with the spouse.

 

Bull crap....but very painful, confusing bull crap for the OW/OM nonetheless.

 

And I agree, it the saving of one's a** at the expense of another's feelings.

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Just ending an affair is not 'throwing under the bus'.

 

Literally, throwing someone under the bus means you were both in the path of the oncoming bus, and you literally pushed someone under the wheels and sacrificed them in an attempt to push yourself away with the same motion, thus saving your own ass at the expense of the other person.

 

In the OW/MM context, it means that the MM shifts all the blame on the OW, makes her out to be the 'bad guy', declares that it was 'nothing' - all so that he can save his OWN ass at OW's expense and stay married.

And that is exactly what it feels like. Good definition LB.
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moaningmyrtle

I'm trying to think of the elements of "throwing under the bus".

 

1. I think it is essential that there is a d-day.

2. The MP then tells the BS that the A is over. This will almost certainly involve the minimisation of the A and the AP.

3. The MP tells the AP that the BS has found out about the A.

 

Then I think the additional steps can vary. Some of the following can happen not in any particular order.

 

4. The MP contacts the AP to tell them the A is over.

5. The A is actually over with no further contact.

6. The MP tries to convince the BS that there was never an A and the A continues on regardless.

7. The MP continues to contact the AP to update on the marriage, although the A is not in full progress.

8. The MP tells the AP full details of the lies being told to the BS in order to get the AP to be complicit in this. The A continues, possibly somewhat altered.

 

The feelings involves are somewhat different. All parties might have different feelings about what is happening.

 

As a BW I know first hand the feelings of a BW and I won't go into them again.

 

I have seen several typical OW reactions and to some extent they might vary a little depending on which of the above actually happens in their case. Those experiencing Nos 4, 7 and 8 above (or any combination of them) seem to suffer the worst, with No 5 a short way behind. Those OW experiencing No 6 seem to fare best. Perhaps because they are shielded from what is happening in the M - what they don't know doesn't hurt them sort of thing.

 

I sometimes wonder if they feel a sense of impending doom though. It can't be easy trying to carry on as an OW after a d-day while suspecting that your MM is working very hard to convince his BW that you meant nothing to him or that he was able to end the A without a backward glance. I say this because I believe this is what is actually happening but a "smart" MP will try to shield the AP from this knowledge.

 

Re-reading the above I think perhaps the only 2 essential elements are that there is a d-day and that the AP is minimised to the BS. The extent of this probably determines the "severity" of the AP's feelings about being thrown under the bus.

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If the MM ends all contact with the OW after D-day and is very clear that the affair is over, then my H threw the OW under the bus.

 

However, he never blamed the OW (or me). He has always taken full responsibility for his actions. If anything, he would probably see the OW as a victim of his addiction, just like I was.

 

An unfortunate thing, in our case, is that the OW didn't want to accept that the affair was over. She didn't want to believe that my H has an addiction and she was a fix for him. I can understand her denial since I didn't understand it myself. In my mind, he had cheated and our marriage was over. I didn't care (or understand) about the "why" until some time had passed.

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Its ALL bullsh*t.

Maybe its because I have been OW in the past...but I would never ever allow my H to talk bad about any of the women he took advantage of.

That would demean not only her, but ME.

 

Yes, I agree with this 100%.

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