They said it would happen.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

So today I got an email. The first one in months. They are divorcing and papers have been served, he has been out of the house for weeks, he wants to talk.

 

After last week I am just numb to him. I didnt respond and havent really read the entire thing. He offered an explanation for his actions. That he needed to try to mend his marriage without me in the picture, that he was sorry for the pain he caused, that he hasnt changed the way he feels about me and that he told her so. he says that hes realized he is in love with me and doesnt love her like that anymore.

 

he offered an explanation of the events of last week. that hes really just curious about me and my life and was fishing for information from other people. that he didnt mean to hurt me.

 

And like i said i'm numb. i dont know what to think. wish i wouldnt have read it. i have tried so hard to move on with my life and honestly the hurt is so much that i just dont think i could forgive.

 

its just too little too late and it saddens me that after all this time spent crying over him i didnt see that the NC actually did aid in resolving my feelings for him.

 

and so i just dont get it. to put so much effort into clinging to the memory of someone, the feelings, etc. and when its in your face you simply dont have the desire to open up that door.

 

just trying to make sense of this. thanks.

[Samantha0905]

It seems this happens a lot in affair situations. It's just too much to work through. He's finally making steps you would have loved to have seen at one time, but now you're numb because there's too much water under the bridge. That would have been unavoidable even if he hadn't thrown you under the wheels of the bus. You both were in marriages and it's no easy process to get divorced. Even with him leaving now, you are still married.

 

I imagine this is why many APs who leave their spouses don't ultimately end up with each other.

[2sunny]

if you really want to know how it came down - why don't you call his W and ask her?

 

i'd be willing to bet money she threw him out and now he's contacting you as his second choice... happens all the time. that's really why he tried to keep you on the back burner all along anyway. he's selfish that way.

 

go ahead - call her.

[norajane]

and so i just dont get it. to put so much effort into clinging to the memory of someone, the feelings, etc. and when its in your face you simply dont have the desire to open up that door.

Congrats - you've made it out of the affair 'fog' people talk so much about. It doesn't feel like much of a victory, but it is what it is. You are seeing things more clearly and without the yearning that makes you blind to common sense.

 

And, frankly, going through an affair and the aftermath is mentally and emotionally draining. It sucks a lot out of you. I'm guessing you're tired and worn out, and it's beyond you to even consider diving back into the cesspool.

 

Stay true to yourself. You'll be fine.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

yes i am still married but separated and heading for divorce. BUT i still am trying to work things out with my H. i guess this just doesnt fit into my plans at the moment. youre right. too little too late. i also think it goes back to the fact that hes never been someone i wanted long term.

 

i understand that my actions disprove this, but my H is who i see myself with in 40 years. not this OM.

 

but still, im confused as to why ive cried so many tears over my A. i should be overjoyed by this news. but im not.

[Fallen Angel]

So today I got an email. The first one in months. They are divorcing and papers have been served, he has been out of the house for weeks, he wants to talk.

 

After last week I am just numb to him. I didnt respond and havent really read the entire thing. He offered an explanation for his actions. That he needed to try to mend his marriage without me in the picture, that he was sorry for the pain he caused, that he hasnt changed the way he feels about me and that he told her so. he says that hes realized he is in love with me and doesnt love her like that anymore.

 

he offered an explanation of the events of last week. that hes really just curious about me and my life and was fishing for information from other people. that he didnt mean to hurt me.

 

And like i said i'm numb. i dont know what to think. wish i wouldnt have read it. i have tried so hard to move on with my life and honestly the hurt is so much that i just dont think i could forgive.

 

its just too little too late and it saddens me that after all this time spent crying over him i didnt see that the NC actually did aid in resolving my feelings for him.

 

and so i just dont get it. to put so much effort into clinging to the memory of someone, the feelings, etc. and when its in your face you simply dont have the desire to open up that door.

 

just trying to make sense of this. thanks.

 

I know you are hurting and confused... and I am sure you will get tons of people telling you to blow him off ... they will scream "MAINTAIN NC" at you.. but i have to point out something BEFORE they all jump on that bandwagon...

 

The advice here from the people that will come yell at you to keep NC is always.. go NC, then let him work on his marriage without you in the picture and come to a decision without the "fog", right?

 

Well, isn't that what he has done?

 

How is one to ever have the relationship they desire, the one everyone says you must go NC to achieve, if you never break NC??

 

You and he did what everyone suggests.... you went NC... you ended your affair. Now, you still miss him and love him... he still misses you and loves you (?), you have effectively ended your marriage, he is ending his...

 

Why now, after he did what everyone says he must do, and you did what everyone said you must do.. would you not even sit down with him, and discuss things?

 

Or did you never really love him, and NC has showed you that?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

no i did love him. but i think if he loved me he never could have walked away from me. i couldnt have done it to him, i was forced to. so if he loved me as strongly as he claimed during the A he wouldnt have had the strength to walk away from me.

[Fallen Angel]

if you really want to know how it came down - why don't you call his W and ask her?

 

i'd be willing to bet money she threw him out and now he's contacting you as his second choice... happens all the time. that's really why he tried to keep you on the back burner all along anyway. he's selfish that way.

 

go ahead - call her.

 

Why would you be so insulting? You have no idea what the reasons were that that man made any of the decisions that he made. I would not dare to think even for a moment that MBEG is anyone's "second choice". How very rude and uncalled for.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

FA maybe you are right. He has come to his conclusion on his own terms, without my interference. I honestly never thought it would play out like this.

[2sunny]

I know you are hurting and confused... and I am sure you will get tons of people telling you to blow him off ... they will scream "MAINTAIN NC" at you.. but i have to point out something BEFORE they all jump on that bandwagon...

 

The advice here from the people that will come yell at you to keep NC is always.. go NC, then let him work on his marriage without you in the picture and come to a decision without the "fog", right?

 

Well, isn't that what he has done?

 

How is one to ever have the relationship they desire, the one everyone says you must go NC to achieve, if you never break NC??

 

You and he did what everyone suggests.... you went NC... you ended your affair. Now, you still miss him and love him... he still misses you and loves you (?), you have effectively ended your marriage, he is ending his...

 

Why now, after he did what everyone says he must do, and you did what everyone said you must do.. would you not even sit down with him, and discuss things?

 

Or did you never really love him, and NC has showed you that?

 

based upon her post that's above yours - are you sure you're posting to the correct gal?

 

even IF she wasn't going to stay with her H - the best plan would be for her to stay far away until AFTER the divorce is FINAL... otherwise she's just in for an emotional ride again.

[2sunny]

Why would you be so insulting? You have no idea what the reasons were that that man made any of the decisions that he made. I would not dare to think even for a moment that MBEG is anyone's "second choice". How very rude and uncalled for.

 

it's not intended to be rude at all - it's just the way things happen A LOT around here...

 

like i said - if she really wants to know what really happened - call his wife and find out if he's telling the correct version of the story. simple as that.

[Samantha0905]

no i did love him. but i think if he loved me he never could have walked away from me. i couldnt have done it to him, i was forced to. so if he loved me as strongly as he claimed during the A he wouldnt have had the strength to walk away from me.

 

I don't necessarily think that's true. I feel like I loved my XAP and I'm not calling him. It's like a roller coaster ride and the two of you didn't exist in a vacuum. It's normal to be torn and go back and forth somewhat. As I said, a marriage isn't an easy thing to end. Did he handle some things badly? Sure. Have you? Probably. It's the nature of the beast.

 

I just hope you don't start talking to him again while you are trying to work on things with your husband. That would really not be fair to your husband after all he's been through.

[Fallen Angel]

no i did love him. but i think if he loved me he never could have walked away from me. i couldnt have done it to him, i was forced to. so if he loved me as strongly as he claimed during the A he wouldnt have had the strength to walk away from me.

 

Not true.

 

He had to make a decision on the spur of the moment if I remember correctly. And he chose to try to fix what was broken in his marriage. Something that I am sure you would have wanted form your spouse if the situation were reversed, and something that I am sure, in a clearer state of mind, you KNOW in your heart, was the right thing for him to do.

 

If there was even the slightest chance that he could fix it, he owed it to ALL OF YOU (you, himself, his wife and his kids(?)) to try.

 

He tried, it obviously did not work. That does not mean that he did not love you. That means he tried to do what he thought was right.

 

You are feeling unworthy of being loved, and therefore assume that you are not loved. You should assume nothing of the sort. There is much about you worth loving.

[Fallen Angel]

based upon her post that's above yours - are you sure you're posting to the correct gal?

 

even IF she wasn't going to stay with her H - the best plan would be for her to stay far away until AFTER the divorce is FINAL... otherwise she's just in for an emotional ride again.

 

I am quite sure who I am talking to, and the roller coaster that she has been on. Thanks for your concern.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

FA, thank you.

 

In his letter he said that he felt that he owed it to her and his girls to give an honest effort. During our affair both of us said our families were our #1 priorities. I knew this, and never expected anything different.

 

He said that what he did was just that. Give it an honest effort. He tried with her but that he did it honestly, if he felt something towards her then he showed it. he said she felt it needed to end because he wasnt doing the things she wanted/needed him to to fix their marriage.

 

he said he couldnt do those things because he didnt feel them, and to "fake" the things she wanted would be dishonest and only falsely making her think he felt a way that she didnt.

 

but i have never felt like the second choice. in a way i am proud of him for finally telling her the truth. in my situation i make attempts to be lovey dovey with H even thought i dont feel it...ive been faking it in hopes that i will return.

 

so really, i guess i cannot fault him for his actions. he said the throwing me under the bus was just a knee jerk reaction to the falling out after dday. i dont know. im just confused.

[Samantha0905]

 

I just hope you don't start talking to him again while you are trying to work on things with your husband. That would really not be fair to your husband after all he's been through.

 

And I hope that didn't sound judgmental. I come across in type sometimes harsher than I intend judging from responses I have gotten on this site. I feel like you have talked about this relationship with your AP so much that you must still have such strong feelings for him. If you do end up feeling a need to act on them, perhaps it will be best to inform your husband -- as y'all are separated -- that it is something you intend to explore. Now, that may very well guarantee your marriage will end.

 

I find it interesting you say you don't want to be with your AP forever, but you can see yourself being with your husband forever. I felt the same way about my XAP, but I sure loved him.

 

You also have mentioned he said in the email he needed to mend his marriage without you in the picture. Surely, it's fair for you to say the same to him at this point? I'd not contact him and keep working on my marriage if I were you. It may be it doesn't work out, but at least you are giving it the effort. I think that effort needs to be without him in the picture. He should respect that.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Yes, I agree, as things have recently been better with H than they have in a very long time. Its funny how the tables seemed to have turned. I need to figure out my feelings for my H without MM clouding this. I need to make sure theres absolutely no chance in fixing my M before exploring other options. I guess we're just not in the same place at the same time.

 

he took the risk of losing me forever while working on his M and i guess now i'm doing the same. i dont want him to be a backup plan.

[2sunny]

Yes, I agree, as things have recently been better with H than they have in a very long time. Its funny how the tables seemed to have turned. I need to figure out my feelings for my H without MM clouding this. I need to make sure theres absolutely no chance in fixing my M before exploring other options. I guess we're just not in the same place at the same time.

 

he took the risk of losing me forever while working on his M and i guess now i'm doing the same. i dont want him to be a backup plan.

 

i think this is a healthy and great perspective for you. what a great way of staying focused! great job MBEG.

[whichwayisup]

yes i am still married but separated and heading for divorce. BUT i still am trying to work things out with my H. i guess this just doesnt fit into my plans at the moment. youre right. too little too late. i also think it goes back to the fact that hes never been someone i wanted long term.

 

i understand that my actions disprove this, but my H is who i see myself with in 40 years. not this OM.

 

but still, im confused as to why ive cried so many tears over my A. i should be overjoyed by this news. but im not.

 

Then why have you been so obsessed and running yourself NUTS over this guy?? What has been the point of it all?

 

You cannot work on your marriage, with one foot out the door and I noticed immediately you're calling exMM, MM now that he 'has been served and going to divorce.' DO you have proof of this? I would need SOLID proof if I were you......Anyway, this whole situation is a sad mess. Everyone is hurting, everyone's lives are upside down, pain, confusion, heartache. All for what???

 

The poor kids in this.

 

I'm not judging you, at all. I am however, concerned about what happens next.

 

Somehow you need time to be 'alone' and put yourself first. DO not go talk to exMM now that he's ready to talk. Do it on YOUR time frame, NOT his. Put YOU first and go from there. Let your H know, continue to be honest and upfront with him so he can decide if he wants to wait it out or walk away.

[moaningmyrtle]

I've followed your story with interest MBEG.

 

Personally I hope that given all that's happened, you will act with integrity.

 

I have to say that deciding to go back with him while still trying to reconcile with your H is something that will only (to me) demonstrate a lack of integrity on your part. I consider that anyone who offers you this sort of advice to also lack integrity. Yes I know I'm being judgmental but it's what I really think.

 

On the other hand if he genuinely is divorcing (ie has moved out, papers served etc) and you are definitely divorcing your H (ie papers served and not still trying to reconcile) then why not be with him? You say he treated you badly and has given you an explanation. Realistically this is not a lot different to the situation of a BW such as myself who has been treated shamefully by her H but nevertheless want to reconcile and is giving it her all. It's certainly possible and love can conquer all (or so I'm told).

 

As you will gather one of my major issues with affairs, is the dishonesty. It's my belief that without honesty no relationship will work properly and that includes an A where the MM is being dishonest with his wife. Irrespective of whether he is (or his OW believes he is) being honest with the OW.

[anne1707]

MBEG

 

The ex-MM has been playing you like a fool since day one. He dumped you yet made sure you were constantly reminded of him, he continued to play with your emotions. Only last week you found out that he has started another affair but now you seem to believe his words when all he is trying to do is use you again. I agree with those who say his wife has kicked him out (assuming that he actually is getting divorced) and that he is trying to get some scraps - and yes I know that sounds harsh but if you do not realise that this is all you are to him then you are going to fall right back into his game.

 

IF you really do love your husband as much as you say you do, why are you posting still about this man? Why are you considering the implications of what you have been told? IF you really loved your H and really wanted to be with him, then you would shift your focus on how to save and recover your marriage and not your affair. I am afraid you are still just as much in the fog now as you were when all this started. Your words and actions contradict themselves all to the detriment of your marriage.

 

You have to decide - and stick with your decision - do you want to be with your H or the ex-MM or nobody? You cannot have both of them. You make your decision. You tell both of them your decision. You stick with your decision and you act on it.

[bestplayer]

I know you are hurting and confused... and I am sure you will get tons of people telling you to blow him off ... they will scream "MAINTAIN NC" at you.. but i have to point out something BEFORE they all jump on that bandwagon...

 

The advice here from the people that will come yell at you to keep NC is always.. go NC, then let him work on his marriage without you in the picture and come to a decision without the "fog", right?

 

Well, isn't that what he has done?

 

How is one to ever have the relationship they desire, the one everyone says you must go NC to achieve, if you never break NC??

 

You and he did what everyone suggests.... you went NC... you ended your affair. Now, you still miss him and love him... he still misses you and loves you (?), you have effectively ended your marriage, he is ending his...

 

Why now, after he did what everyone says he must do, and you did what everyone said you must do.. would you not even sit down with him, and discuss things?

 

Or did you never really love him, and NC has showed you that?

 

FA , u r inciting her to go back to MM & hurt her faimly once again ? she's already trying hard to work it out with her husband & u r motivating her to end her marriage now for MM ? why r u so bent on stimulating her feelings for MM , do u have a problem if someone wants to stay with his/her faimly ?

[moaningmyrtle]

FA , u r inciting her to go back to MM & hurt her faimly once again ? she's already trying hard to work it out with her husband & u r motivating her to end her marriage now for MM ? why r u so bent on stimulating her feelings for MM , do u have a problem if someone wants to stay with his/her faimly ?

 

I tend to agree with this. MBEG did say her preference is to be with her H long term; so I find it irresponsible to encourage her to continue with her MM and perhaps continue deceiving her H.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with FA's advice if MBEG had been certain that she didn't want to be with her H.

[silverplanets]

Hi MBEG,

 

It looks to me like you're receiving one of the big benefits of NC ...a distancing (whether slight or large) from the day to day "must react" drama of being in an unhealthy situation.

 

Now that you're got a little space beteen you and the drama you are perhaps able to find space to finally look at your own wants and needs etc. In the middle of the drama this is very difficult - one is just caught up in reacting to the waves of pain and emotion that keep washing over you.

 

In the middle of it all we can even end up thinking that someone is the only person for us .. when the reality is, of course, that there are many people out there, each with their own personalities, likes, habits and life aims ... some of which will be a perfect match for us.

 

My advice would be, whatever you do, make sure it is about you ...

 

.. If that means you need him to leave you alone then so be it

.. If that means you want to give you and your H a chance, then so be it

.. If that means you take slow time to work through your needs etc , with professional help if needed, then so be it ...

 

You can control the clock here ... and you don't need to accept other people's pressure and timelines ...

 

If you feel guilty about putting yourself first then ask yourself what would have happened if he HAD worked his marriage out .. would he have been back for you,. etc etc

 

Also, with your additional space from the emotion and clearer head, you might want to rate on a scale of 1-10 how "clear headed" you think he is likely to be ... because until you rate him as 10/10 then you need to be aware that (like you) he might not really know his true feelings.

 

At the end of the day , the answer to this is inside you, and you need peace, quiet and focus to find it ... ... if his email disturbs that peace, then you might want to consider changing your email address ... it's simple, 100% effective and deals witht the problem once and for all.

 

I did, and I love the fact that there is NO chance of my inbox being taken over again by the day to day needles of someone else's drama.

 

Should my xMW divorce, give herself time to become a genuine person again and decide camly that she wishes to seek me out then she can always find me ... it's never impossible to find somone. But she will have to do it in person not via any lazy email methods.

 

If she did, then she would also have to accept that there is a good chance my answer will be no - and that I have the right to say that.

 

good luck

Chris

[Fallen Angel]

FA , u r inciting her to go back to MM & hurt her faimly once again ? she's already trying hard to work it out with her husband & u r motivating her to end her marriage now for MM ? why r u so bent on stimulating her feelings for MM , do u have a problem if someone wants to stay with his/her faimly ?

 

I tend to agree with this. MBEG did say her preference is to be with her H long term; so I find it irresponsible to encourage her to continue with her MM and perhaps continue deceiving her H.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with FA's advice if MBEG had been certain that she didn't want to be with her H.

 

I am not inciting her to do anything. I am telling her the truth as I see it.

 

As to her saying that her preference is to be with her husband long term, I submit that having read her posts from the get go, that she has always used her husband as a "fall back" rather than to make him a priority. Something that I do not think is fair to him.

 

I submit that MBEG says that she wants to fix her marriage and end the relationship with MM simply because then if things never work with MM, or if MM does something she considers especially heinous, she can say to everyone "Well, I never really wanted a full time relationship with him anyway."

 

I think that anyone who has followed her threads can plainly see where MBEGs heart (and mind) are, and it is certainly not into fixing what is wrong in her marriage, despite her occasional references to "trying to work things out, maybe" with her husband.

 

And I have NEVER condoned nor encouraged ANYONE to carry on an affair or to lie to their spouse. I have always given the advice that if someone feels there is any chance possible that they can repair their marriage and live a happy (and affair free) life with their spouse, then they owe it to everyone involved to put one hundred percent effort into doing just that. To accuse me of otherwise is just insulting and untrue.