What Am I Really Dealing With?

[pureinheart]

Most of you know my story, although for those that don't this is the very short version.

 

Had and EA with MM, it lasted a year total...I went NC for several months...get a call stating he's S...we talk again...his W files for D...he professes undying love.

 

Prior to the S he didnot treat me bad, 2 weeks after professing undying love, engagement, M he starts extreme abuse (gaslighting). This was Nov of '07. The abuse worsened and towards the end of summer July '08 I was serious about being done. He was taking a cocktail of drugs at this time also...I chalked everything up (made excuses) to his D and felt that he was coming down from the abuse experienced in the M (now I think they abused each other).

 

Sept. '08 I go out on medical from work because the abuse gets bad there too...basically I let a lot go on due to the fact I was way overwhelmed and had lost a sense of right and wrong so-to-speak...I had no strength to maintain boundries and was not even sure what they were anymore.

 

In various threads I have communicated most of what went on...basically I say I'm done and keep the NC until he blows up my phone professing undying lovem M ect....I get sucked back in and the cycle starts again.

 

Now with most of the holidays being over, which he did manage to start something prior to each one, which I was prepared for (having been through it with him), and made other plans in advance. All of this has hurt greatly, I do feel very used.

 

Now what is happening is a realization that for whatever reason, my fault, his fault, the dogs fault ect...makes no difference anymore as life must go on, I really have enough on my plate anyway to deal with such nonsense.

 

What is happening right now is I went NC, told him under no uncertain terms (during the "gaslighting" thread) that I didnot appreciate being abused and to leave me alone...he writes a couple of crazy emails back stating he has a roommate now and she is good to him and basically agrees to NC.

 

I kept getting emails from him, but they were none abusive, just about news in general...but then last night I got a series of emails stating how jacked up I was for cheating on him, that he caught me in this chat room (I'm not sure but I think it was a porn chat room or something) and I'm sick, I'm this and that.

 

I don't do chat rooms, and the only one I ever was in was Church USA...I am unable to do chat rooms or messenger because I cannot keep up, my typing is slow.

 

Then one of emails he accused me of child sex I think...he said in chat room a girl said "to come and see her" and he said she looked like she was 10 yrs old...anyway, I'm like tripping...all of this is sickening to me.

 

I told him that if he did not leave me alone I would take things into my own hands, which to him either means my family will have a talk with him, or I will file a restraining order.

 

Both of these I would hate greatly to do for many reasons...I have not done the restraining order because it would affect his job, and he is trying to go back...I would also rather not involve my family, although family finds stuff out anyway.

 

After receiving this email from me he starts the phone messages professing undying love and hey let's stop playing games and either we are going to be together or not....what is this? What am I really dealing with here?

 

I realise most of you are saying, why has she put up with this for so long...I am still trying to figure this one out.

 

He once said to me that you keep your enemies close...

 

I have much info on him and could destroy him...he could with me too, you know? So in my thinking, why not walk away and leave it alone...why won't he just go away, he knows I will move on and leave him alone...

 

Is this still the cake eating thing? Does he think I owe him?

 

Imput would be wonderful, thank you

Edited February 23, 2010 by pureinheart

[greengoddess]

Sounds crazy. Is it possible it is room mate sending the emails. A new jealous woman.

 

Block his email Why are you even reading emails from him. Maybe you both love the drama. The surge of it. Especially saying you could destroy his life. The power over each other???

[pureinheart]

Sounds crazy. Is it possible it is room mate sending the emails. A new jealous woman.

 

Block his email Why are you even reading emails from him. Maybe you both love the drama. The surge of it. Especially saying you could destroy his life. The power over each other???

 

Ya I know, that's why I've been reluctant to post. Prior to the start of this R I was feeling like finally, for the first time in my life was gaining ground concerning behavior and such.

 

I detected a degree of insanity although did not know it was this bad. I was unaware that you could block another persons email...at one time I explored something concerning blocking, it might have been the cell phone though, and seemed to get no where....but will check and see if I can do that.

 

I love "happy, happy...joy, joy", and to a degree, moreso before was hoping things would be different, although it will take a miracle, so I have priddy much lost hope...nope I don't love drama...and about the destroying thing, that was said to just cummunicate a lack of understanding as to why he would want to play these games...I mean would you...I don't think so, mostlikely you would say hey outta here, right?

 

I've said this before, power in the wrong hands is very scary...I communicated NOT doing certain things because they would mean destruction for him...had I wanted that, it would have happened a long time ago.

 

I felt he was lying (but one never knows) about having a roommate....I thought about it being one of his kids...but he's got his place wired...lol...he has cameras inside and out...he can see both of his houses from the cameras...he knows everything that goes on, so he would know it if someone else waas on his PC.

 

Why did I open the emails...many reasons, stupidity, fear, I do miss him, but know there is no way anything will ever work because he cannot be honest....the fear comes from him terrorizing me before, I kinda want to know where his head is at because I wasn't sure how he would handle the break up this time, things seemed to be calm, although as I suspected he did start with the abuse.

Edited February 23, 2010 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

GG, I have been living in a dream world (I think someone said this to me when first coming back to LS, they were right).

 

Slowly, this rose colored world, glasses whatever is disintigrating...I possibly needed that at one time, a defense mechanism or something because of dealing with soooo much for sooo long, that finally now I can deal with everything the way it should be. Not too many people get a second chance...well I've had many chances and am not going to blow it this time.

 

Being "over here" now, I want to understand how I got "over there" so that it will not happen again. I have chosen not to see anyone until this is completely resolved.

 

It is difficult to describe every detail, in the forums we do the best we can. I know in my life, it was easy for me to judge anothers situation...sometimes harsh, sometimes objective...and have found being objective is the best way to go. I hate being negative, and love to be happy.

 

Am I being realistic...not sure right now, but am being real and that is the important thing as we are all learning.

[norajane]

I don't really know the in's and out's of your situation, but I can see that you're unhappy and upset, and have been for a while. This person sounds toxic to you, and I don't see that you will get better and be happier if he's in your life. In the end, that's what counts. We don't get a second chance to live life over - this is all you have so don't waste another minute being unhappy or letting his toxicity permeate your life. Get the cancer out and you will heal.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with NJ.

 

but know there is no way anything will ever work because he cannot be honest....the fear comes from him terrorizing me before, I kinda want to know where his head is at because I wasn't sure how he would handle the break up this time, things seemed to be calm, although as I suspected he did start with the abuse.

 

So, you know he can't be honest. Pure, why hang on, why open that door again? You seem loving and kind hearted, have alot to give..Don't waste your love and care on a man who is going to treat you poorly, abuse you, be cruel to you, be rude to you. He is unstable, he's a jerk.

 

If you want happiness, then work on you, try to understand why you're allowing this to continue.. It's been 3+ years now, how much has changed other than many tears, a broken heart over and over again? He can't be honest and he has tons of flaws that he isn't willing to fix.

 

Are you afraid NOT to have him in your life in some form?

[jwi71]

I told him that if he did not leave me alone I would take things into my own hands, which to him either means my family will have a talk with him, or I will file a restraining order.

 

The problem with ultimatums is simply you must be WILLING to carry it through...ir file the restraining order. Because if you don't, well..he'll get the "I'm really full of hot air" message pretty quick. Don't let that happen.

 

Now that you have issued it...you must follow through if necessary.

 

Both of these I would hate greatly to do for many reasons...I have not done the restraining order because it would affect his job, and he is trying to go back...I would also rather not involve my family, although family finds stuff out anyway.

PiH...screw his job. Who cares. You didn't do this to him...he did it to himself. Your job is to take care of you and not this a$$hat.

 

And I'd tell your family straight up...you'll need their support.

 

After receiving this email from me he starts the phone messages professing undying love and hey let's stop playing games and either we are going to be together or not....what is this? What am I really dealing with here?

Loony.

Next question please.

 

I realise most of you are saying, why has she put up with this for so long...I am still trying to figure this one out.

IC...just sayin' (and I can't remember if you already said your are in it or not...if not go...if so, great topic to bring up).

He once said to me that you keep your enemies close...

Prove him right by grabbing the "lil' slugger" and going Babe Ruth upside his head. Then bill him for the lobotomy.

As bonus, it'll fell GREAT for you at the time.

Double bonus...it counts as exercise.

 

I have much info on him and could destroy him...he could with me too, you know? So in my thinking, why not walk away and leave it alone...why won't he just go away, he knows I will move on and leave him alone...

His choice. Remove that option. The "why" doesn't matter.

Its like cancer...no one really knows why...but why its there you don't eff around...you cut it out of your life or you kill it. (figuratively of course).

 

I know some of my post was tongue in cheek. In all seriousness PiH, TAKE AWAY HIS POWER. If this means disclosing...then do so. If it means RO...then do so. He has the power because you allow him to have it.

The great thing is, you can nullify every once of his "power" over you...I'm not saying there won't be consequences and it will all be pleasant or easy. We both know that's not the case. But it will END it.

 

You have the power to leave him defenseless, powerless and impotent in regards to you. Use it.

[2sunny]

is it possible that you've been living with his chaos and all that brings to you for so long that you are just numb to it?

 

when you remove it for good you will understand what peace and serenity can feel like.

 

i vote for blocking him from contacting you at all - including the restraining order.

 

why worry about how this will harm him - he hasn't been worrying about you in that regard. time to take care of yourself first.

[pureinheart]

You all are right, and have put a smile on my face bigtime...sometimes we know the truth although are reluctant to walk in it...everyones wording was perfect...you have no idea...

 

GG gave me the opportunity to see the rose colored glasses...

 

I was so scared to post, but NJ and JW gave great reason to act and to live...WWIU...yes, I am afraid not to have him in my life, I could give many answers to that, although need to explore that further as it is deeper.

 

This forum is like AA at times, as it gives accountability.

 

These R can be like drugs, and I know this sounds so weird to the regular/normal person, but it is the truth. In posting I felt like this drug addict admitting they have a problem...and priddy much that is what I am doing.

 

I am ready to stop using this drug for good. This makes me accountable to these words.

 

Thank you for the courage, I needed it!

[pureinheart]

is it possible that you've been living with his chaos and all that brings to you for so long that you are just numb to it?

 

when you remove it for good you will understand what peace and serenity can feel like.

 

i vote for blocking him from contacting you at all - including the restraining order.

 

why worry about how this will harm him - he hasn't been worrying about you in that regard. time to take care of yourself first.

 

 

Yes....and during points of major NC have seen the other side...and have to say it's looks good now and it doesn't seem as scary as it did before.

 

Yep ...to the couthouse I go....clean up time...thanks 2S...

[pureinheart]

Oh...ya JW...I have a team of IC's....Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Therapist, Church, Family, and last although definitely not least (and actually as effective if not more at times) LS....

 

I know it sounds drastic, although at my point drastic is needed...this is just one area that needs healing.

 

I can totally attest to the saying that was doesnot kill you will make you stronger.

 

I know this might sound weird, although both you and NJ meantioned "cancer"....one of my great fears is cancer (I had cervical cancer and had a hysterectomy at age 27...100% cure), I sensed that this individual was giving me cancer in a sense as I know negativity will bring the immune system down....I felt in the very real sense that he was "cancerous" to me....I find that so interesting that you guys gave me that confirmation...

[whichwayisup]

At the end of the day, what counts is what you think and feel.

 

yes, I am afraid not to have him in my life, I could give many answers to that, although need to explore that further as it is deeper.

Afraid of what? What's the worst thing about NOT having in him your life? What real good does he do for you? Maybe other than making you feel a certain way (heart flutter or whatever), how has he made you a better person? you don't have to answer - Just think about it for a while.. I'm sure it is deep. Just be 'true' to yourself and go from there.

 

It's good to make yourself accountable! But, don't say something on here to please anyone, or to shut people up. If YOU truly feel it's over and want it over, then DO IT. Not for us, but for you, so YOU can really begin your true letting go, grieving process, and go through it all so you can heal and go on with your life. So you can be happy, and feel good about who you are, and who you're with.

[2sunny]

Yes....and during points of major NC have seen the other side...and have to say it's looks good now and it doesn't seem as scary as it did before.

 

Yep ...to the couthouse I go....clean up time...thanks 2S...

 

woo hoo! great job taking action PIH! when you get the RO you will feel so much happier knowing that you are doing something to take your power back... yippee, freedom - here she comes!

[silverplanets]

Oh...ya JW...I have a team of IC's....Psychiatrist, Psychologist, Therapist, Church, Family, and last although definitely not least (and actually as effective if not more at times) LS....

 

I know it sounds drastic, although at my point drastic is needed...this is just one area that needs healing.

 

I can totally attest to the saying that was doesnot kill you will make you stronger.

 

I know this might sound weird, although both you and NJ meantioned "cancer"....one of my great fears is cancer (I had cervical cancer and had a hysterectomy at age 27...100% cure), I sensed that this individual was giving me cancer in a sense as I know negativity will bring the immune system down....I felt in the very real sense that he was "cancerous" to me....I find that so interesting that you guys gave me that confirmation...

 

Hi pure,

 

You can undertake a simple action, entirely under your control, to prevent the emails - just change your email address.

 

I changed mine over christmas (i'd had it for over 10 years) and I also used it for business - there's been no adverse reaction to my business or personal contacts. I didn't go into any details - just send people a "please note my new email address" ...

 

I then DE-ACTIVATED my old one instantly ... no keeping it open for that long lost friend who only has my old address etc.

 

Guess how many emails I've had from xMW since ... none :-)

 

And the best thing ... the only way she can get the address is if I send it to her ... and if I do that then I am bringing it on myself and so must therefore accept the consequences.

 

I still have my original phone no ... but am also now planning to change that in a few weeks .. it's symbolic and is cutting final ties ... and it feels GOOD !!!!!!

 

You don't need his permission, go-ahead etc etc to do any of this .... so what really is stopping you ???

 

be safe

Chris

[pureinheart]

At the end of the day, what counts is what you think and feel.

 

 

Afraid of what? What's the worst thing about NOT having in him your life? What real good does he do for you? Maybe other than making you feel a certain way (heart flutter or whatever), how has he made you a better person? you don't have to answer - Just think about it for a while.. I'm sure it is deep. Just be 'true' to yourself and go from there.

 

It's good to make yourself accountable! But, don't say something on here to please anyone, or to shut people up. If YOU truly feel it's over and want it over, then DO IT. Not for us, but for you, so YOU can really begin your true letting go, grieving process, and go through it all so you can heal and go on with your life. So you can be happy, and feel good about who you are, and who you're with.

 

I began to ask myself these questions a while ago, and that's when the change took place inside of me.

 

There was a time that he did add good things to my life, but something went terribly wrong, and that's not my fault, I am still the same, if not better even. I was afraid of what I might miss out on...afraid of loosing what was ONCE my very good friend and my mind was still "back there"...well recently I see that nothing is going to change, and he is abusive...and like I said in another thread, that's a deal breaker for me.

 

There are no other choices but to walk, and really what's the point of putting on a mask online...in fact online I can take that mask off and that is why all of you guys in LS ARE so effective.

 

It's been very hard to let go of what I thought my life was going to be like...it is TOTALLY different than the expectations. Am doing what is called in my belief system to "let go and let God". I have done everything humanly possible thus far so when you've done all you can do, you stand.

 

Thanks WWIU...I always enjoy reading your replies because they always make sense.

[pureinheart]

woo hoo! great job taking action PIH! when you get the RO you will feel so much happier knowing that you are doing something to take your power back... yippee, freedom - here she comes!

 

Thanks 2S...lots of paperwork, but oh well. As a rule RO's don't help around here that much unless it's a severe case because the cops are so busy all of the time...although, all of the cops around here are sick of him because he has wasted their time with senseless calls, so I think they would absolutely enjoy a call from me...lol..(if it was needed).

 

Thanks for responding, it's good to have all of the people in LS to bounce stuff off of....I know there is a level of objectivity that just isn't available for me outside of IC....yep FREEDOM!

[pureinheart]

Hi pure,

 

You can undertake a simple action, entirely under your control, to prevent the emails - just change your email address.

 

I changed mine over christmas (i'd had it for over 10 years) and I also used it for business - there's been no adverse reaction to my business or personal contacts. I didn't go into any details - just send people a "please note my new email address" ...

 

I then DE-ACTIVATED my old one instantly ... no keeping it open for that long lost friend who only has my old address etc.

 

Guess how many emails I've had from xMW since ... none :-)

 

And the best thing ... the only way she can get the address is if I send it to her ... and if I do that then I am bringing it on myself and so must therefore accept the consequences.

 

I still have my original phone no ... but am also now planning to change that in a few weeks .. it's symbolic and is cutting final ties ... and it feels GOOD !!!!!!

 

You don't need his permission, go-ahead etc etc to do any of this .... so what really is stopping you ???

 

be safe

Chris

 

Actually nothing ...lol....I just have been spending so much time covering my back side in a few other areas that I didn't really think about it...my cell phone is already changed because I got tired of the "contract" and am paying their vulture fees...but it is worth it. I am getting free in so many areas Chris that you would not believe it.

 

I am thinking though that the RO will take care of all of that because he will not be able to contact me in any fashion. Man I hate to change my land line #...have had that one for over 30yrs...it was my moms # and that one is sentemental.

 

You know something Chris, I was waiting for a miracle, hoping most of the behavior was due to his D, although it is how he is.

 

He had no reason to lie to me about anything, yet did time and time again, I thought it was because he was used to lying...no it's because he NEEDS to lie. There is a compulsion to lie and deceive and it has been difficult for me to understand this.

 

The lying was about stupid stuff, although when I saw him in action at my co-workers funeral, I knew...he treated me completely different, as if he didnot know me. Then when going out into a different area to get some water I saw him (the body language spoke volumns) totally flirting with my co-workers ex, I guess he had tried to hit on her prior, although my co-worker liked her and so he backed off (he was M at that time)...how noble of him to do that...

 

Actually Chris, it is pathetic....the stories we read in here, the men and ladies brokenhearted over these people that on various levels mostlikely could care less...we are the ones that feel thrown under the bus, jilted, cheated ect...but we are not...this is the bell ringing for us showing us that life is beginning and this is our chance to see the truth. Hurt can be turned into a very good thing! They are actually the ones that need help, they are very messed up, screwed up people and it's sad...I take no pleasure in saying these words, they are not for my edification to make me feel higher or something, it is just simply the truth.

 

We have one life....and I want to live....

[silverplanets]

Actually nothing ...lol....I just have been spending so much time covering my back side in a few other areas that I didn't really think about it...my cell phone is already changed because I got tired of the "contract" and am paying their vulture fees...but it is worth it. I am getting free in so many areas Chris that you would not believe it.

 

I am thinking though that the RO will take care of all of that because he will not be able to contact me in any fashion. Man I hate to change my land line #...have had that one for over 30yrs...it was my moms # and that one is sentemental.

 

You know something Chris, I was waiting for a miracle, hoping most of the behavior was due to his D, although it is how he is.

 

He had no reason to lie to me about anything, yet did time and time again, I thought it was because he was used to lying...no it's because he NEEDS to lie. There is a compulsion to lie and deceive and it has been difficult for me to understand this.

 

The lying was about stupid stuff, although when I saw him in action at my co-workers funeral, I knew...he treated me completely different, as if he didnot know me. Then when going out into a different area to get some water I saw him (the body language spoke volumns) totally flirting with my co-workers ex, I guess he had tried to hit on her prior, although my co-worker liked her and so he backed off (he was M at that time)...how noble of him to do that...

 

Actually Chris, it is pathetic....the stories we read in here, the men and ladies brokenhearted over these people that on various levels mostlikely could care less...we are the ones that feel thrown under the bus, jilted, cheated ect...but we are not...this is the bell ringing for us showing us that life is beginning and this is our chance to see the truth. Hurt can be turned into a very good thing! They are actually the ones that need help, they are very messed up, screwed up people and it's sad...I take no pleasure in saying these words, they are not for my edification to make me feel higher or something, it is just simply the truth.

 

We have one life....and I want to live....

 

Hi pure,

 

I think what we are dealing with here is life and people - and as such it is never staightforward.

 

It took me a long time to "see the light" and even once I did it was hard to break habits (such as constantly thinking of their life and not mine).

 

The option I chose would not be for everyone, but, as I have a daughter to care for, it definately was the right one for me. It has allowed me to re-find my emotional calm and to concentrate on what is important to me.

 

The longer NC goes on the more calm and determined I feel. It is not that I am determined she can never come back into my life but just that whatever happended I am determined to treat her (and anyone new I meet) according to my values and needs - not hers.

 

I realised in all this that I was bascially a decent person who perhaps should have said no a long time ago, but instead got sucked into to trying to help somone else fix their life. What I failed to ask is who was looking out for mine whilst I was doing this???

 

I went back and forth a zillion times before last year though, pulling away but never quite making it. I would never judge or criticise anyone for the position they are in - and would never suggest NC to anyone else unless they really wanted to heal.

 

Glad you took the email comment in the right way - not saying you have to do it, just saying it might be worth looking at.

 

be safe

Chris

[califnan]

Pure: I am so glad that you obtained, and have put the RO into effect! I do not know much about them.. but as an outsider, and from your story - I think he sounds as if an times, he can go off, and act in an impatient and desparate manner. At this time, I don't know how important it is to change your email or put a block on him. It may be a good way of monitoring his radical thoughts .. Right now, I think is a time to be concerned for your safety first, healing afterward ..

[2sunny]

be sure to follow through with the guidelines of the RO. where i am it is only effective if you do all the steps necessary - which includes getting it filed, serving the individual, and getting it to the local police department.

 

if he breaks the guidelines of the RO - call the police at once... this will show him you mean what you say and say what you mean - and you are a strong enough gal that follows that up with action!

 

don't let him mess with you anymore... he disregards you by messing with you - don't allow it any longer.

[pureinheart]

Hi pure,

 

I think what we are dealing with here is life and people - and as such it is never staightforward.

 

It took me a long time to "see the light" and even once I did it was hard to break habits (such as constantly thinking of their life and not mine).

 

The option I chose would not be for everyone, but, as I have a daughter to care for, it definately was the right one for me. It has allowed me to re-find my emotional calm and to concentrate on what is important to me.

 

The longer NC goes on the more calm and determined I feel. It is not that I am determined she can never come back into my life but just that whatever happended I am determined to treat her (and anyone new I meet) according to my values and needs - not hers.

 

I realised in all this that I was bascially a decent person who perhaps should have said no a long time ago, but instead got sucked into to trying to help somone else fix their life. What I failed to ask is who was looking out for mine whilst I was doing this???

 

I went back and forth a zillion times before last year though, pulling away but never quite making it. I would never judge or criticise anyone for the position they are in - and would never suggest NC to anyone else unless they really wanted to heal.

 

Glad you took the email comment in the right way - not saying you have to do it, just saying it might be worth looking at.

 

be safe

Chris

 

You know what Chris, we both got our miracle, and I completely agree with all that you said...your graciousness and wisdom is beyond your age...let freedom reign for us and all in LS!!!

[pureinheart]

Pure: I am so glad that you obtained, and have put the RO into effect! I do not know much about them.. but as an outsider, and from your story - I think he sounds as if an times, he can go off, and act in an impatient and desparate manner. At this time, I don't know how important it is to change your email or put a block on him. It may be a good way of monitoring his radical thoughts .. Right now, I think is a time to be concerned for your safety first, healing afterward ..

 

You are no outsider...lol...we are all a family, the minute you posted, the first post brought you into which we were all grafted, the LS family...dysfunctional at times, although the love and healing is there.

 

I totally agree and have taken this stand in other areas in my life, there will be a complete season for healing, now it's covering the backside..lol

 

Thank you so much, and thank you for giving LS you! I have read some of your replies and we are surely blessed!

[pureinheart]

be sure to follow through with the guidelines of the RO. where i am it is only effective if you do all the steps necessary - which includes getting it filed, serving the individual, and getting it to the local police department.

 

if he breaks the guidelines of the RO - call the police at once... this will show him you mean what you say and say what you mean - and you are a strong enough gal that follows that up with action!

 

don't let him mess with you anymore... he disregards you by messing with you - don't allow it any longer.

 

LOL 2S...I got to know RO's on somewhat of a personal level...helped exDM respond to 2 of them....

 

Oh no, not anymore...like Chris said in his last reply, that he was going to look closer at what he wants, and I intend to follow suit.

 

We must respect others, and others will respect us if we respect ourselves...thanks 2S, everything you have said is the truth and quite encouraging...