Getting_stronger Posted February 22, 2010 Share Posted February 22, 2010 Hi all I just need to blurt all this out and get your thoughts please. Been seeing MM (I am just getting used to the acronyms) for 9 mths. First 2-3 months were fantastic, and there have been fantastic moments since then- but not as regularly. After the first few months, his work changed and he had less time for us. He still called every day though and we have lunch every week. The sex is certainly a great part of our r'ship but not the focus. Over Christmas he decided that loving two people was too hard and he wanted us to continue but with less intensity. He emailed/texted while he was overseas with his family- and they were beautiful words- he loves me, sees many beautiful years ahead etc. Since he has been back (late Jan) he has definately pulled back. I asked him about it and he confirmed that he feels too guilty saying 'loving things' or talking about a future life together (all the things we used to do). I tried to handle this new 'FWB' thing but I clearly couldnt. I was waiting for his texts all day every day, trying to sound light hearted and cheerful when we spoke etc. Again- he still called every day and we had lunch each week. Whether I imagined it or not- I definately felt like they were shorter and more platonic. Anyway.,... yesterday I asked him if the guilt was too much- would he rather take a break? He reacted badly- angry and defensive 'you obviously arent happy, 'you obvioulsy need more than I can give', etc. He didnt respond to any texts after that and he just did the whole 'Look, you said i cant do emotions (HE SAID THAT A FEW WEEKS AGO HIMSELF!) so maybe you are right- a break could be good' text. So here I am. I think we are meeting later today to formalise the break. I will go NC for a while- to heal myself. I can certainly do without the anxiety and angst this relationship causes me! Evil blurt- he is in his second marriage, has no close friend or family relationships to speak of, adores his sons and therefore wants to stay with a woman he claims not to love, and he is an image guy- all flash cars, flash restaurants etc- which impressed me at some level. I have learnt that qualities like stability, genuiine love, concern and empathy are important to me, and he may not have these. So how do I stop thinking about him and feeling jealous of the next woman he 'falls for'???? God give me strength. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Hi all I just need to blurt all this out and get your thoughts please. Been seeing MM (I am just getting used to the acronyms) for 9 mths. First 2-3 months were fantastic, and there have been fantastic moments since then- but not as regularly. After the first few months, his work changed and he had less time for us. He still called every day though and we have lunch every week. The sex is certainly a great part of our r'ship but not the focus. Over Christmas he decided that loving two people was too hard and he wanted us to continue but with less intensity. He emailed/texted while he was overseas with his family- and they were beautiful words- he loves me, sees many beautiful years ahead etc. Since he has been back (late Jan) he has definately pulled back. I asked him about it and he confirmed that he feels too guilty saying 'loving things' or talking about a future life together (all the things we used to do). I tried to handle this new 'FWB' thing but I clearly couldnt. I was waiting for his texts all day every day, trying to sound light hearted and cheerful when we spoke etc. Again- he still called every day and we had lunch each week. Whether I imagined it or not- I definately felt like they were shorter and more platonic. Anyway.,... yesterday I asked him if the guilt was too much- would he rather take a break? He reacted badly- angry and defensive 'you obviously arent happy, 'you obvioulsy need more than I can give', etc. He didnt respond to any texts after that and he just did the whole 'Look, you said i cant do emotions (HE SAID THAT A FEW WEEKS AGO HIMSELF!) so maybe you are right- a break could be good' text. So here I am. I think we are meeting later today to formalise the break. I will go NC for a while- to heal myself. I can certainly do without the anxiety and angst this relationship causes me! Evil blurt- he is in his second marriage, has no close friend or family relationships to speak of, adores his sons and therefore wants to stay with a woman he claims not to love, and he is an image guy- all flash cars, flash restaurants etc- which impressed me at some level. I have learnt that qualities like stability, genuiine love, concern and empathy are important to me, and he may not have these. So how do I stop thinking about him and feeling jealous of the next woman he 'falls for'???? God give me strength. ?? formalize the break? What the heck does that mean? WHY do you need to meet to formalize the break? I think that is just an excuse for you to see him and try to tempt him to not feel guilty, to not end the affair. If you can't be a FWB, then GO NC, without having to meet to formalize it. MANY women aren't cut out for that; we get our emotions involved. I think you think he is someone he isn't and you are experiencing "affair fog". I know you are hurting but the BEST thing you can do is to back FAR away from this guy. As you yourself said, he doesn't have the qualities of what you want. Don't feel jealous of the next victim, be glad you got out before you were in way too deep! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 23, 2010 Author Share Posted February 23, 2010 Thanks FO Well he wouldnt even meet me face-to-face as it turns out. He text and said 'sorry Im busy, have a nice day'. After everything we shared and said to each other. I am gutted! We eventually spoke- after I pleaded. He said he did have feelings for me but that the guilt and stress were too much for him. He said his feelings have changed but he'd like to stay friends. This time last week he was texting 'my heart for you'. God Im hurting. How can he say the things he said, shared what we shared and then be so cold and hurtful? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 23, 2010 Author Share Posted February 23, 2010 9 months of loving and sharing, now it ends with coldness and curtness. How will I move on? Link to post Share on other sites
silverplanets Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Hi GS, Unless he's a total sleazeball the answer as to "how can he say one thing etc" is probably just that he is hurting and confused ... as are you. In short - that's why these situations are so destructive. I notice from your original question that you say that seeing his life has made you think that perhaps you want some of that stability?? Speaking entirely from personal experience, my relationship with a MW forced me to look at a huge void in my life ... I realised that i was missing SO much ... and that YES some of the security and stablity that I'd always laughed at was, in fact, what I now wanted .. In short - it opened my eyes. It also led to me wanting children, which I eventually did -not not with her. Up until that point I'd never wanted anything like that and had always been quite happy. So maybe you've actually answered your own question .. he has his life and his wife and his happy home etc ... and now you have realised that you don't have the same ... Perhaps another question to ask is do you think you will get the same if you stay in an Affair ... where you will most likely be "off the shelf" as far as other people are concerned (and therefore not open to meeting someone new) ... I now try to view my xMW with compassion as the person who helped me realise that I wanted more ... the reality was, though, that by definition she wasn't able to give it to me ... It took us both over 10 years to realise that ... and part of that was my refusal to admit to myself that i was jealous in some way ... I went NC for good back in September and have stuck to it. It's felt like pulling my own teeth at times, but I am so glad I did it. How can I meet someone who can give me what I need if I am keeping myself stuck to somone who never is??? If you're not in to deep then perhaps just say a mental "thank you" to him for showing him that you want more, and then heal the scar and work on finding it with someone who can give it to you ... best wishes Chris Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Hi GS, Unless he's a total sleazeball the answer as to "how can he say one thing etc" is probably just that he is hurting and confused ... as are you. In short - that's why these situations are so destructive. I notice from your original question that you say that seeing his life has made you think that perhaps you want some of that stability?? Speaking entirely from personal experience, my relationship with a MW forced me to look at a huge void in my life ... I realised that i was missing SO much ... and that YES some of the security and stablity that I'd always laughed at was, in fact, what I now wanted .. In short - it opened my eyes. It also led to me wanting children, which I eventually did -not not with her. Up until that point I'd never wanted anything like that and had always been quite happy. So maybe you've actually answered your own question .. he has his life and his wife and his happy home etc ... and now you have realised that you don't have the same ... Perhaps another question to ask is do you think you will get the same if you stay in an Affair ... where you will most likely be "off the shelf" as far as other people are concerned (and therefore not open to meeting someone new) ... I now try to view my xMW with compassion as the person who helped me realise that I wanted more ... the reality was, though, that by definition she wasn't able to give it to me ... It took us both over 10 years to realise that ... and part of that was my refusal to admit to myself that i was jealous in some way ... I went NC for good back in September and have stuck to it. It's felt like pulling my own teeth at times, but I am so glad I did it. How can I meet someone who can give me what I need if I am keeping myself stuck to somone who never is??? If you're not in to deep then perhaps just say a mental "thank you" to him for showing him that you want more, and then heal the scar and work on finding it with someone who can give it to you ... best wishes Chris Excellent post, Chris. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Ok I ended it- when do I start feeling better? When you actually want it to end. Until then, however much you realise "it's for the better", your heart will still be wanting something else. Link to post Share on other sites
Tashcw Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 hey GS, I know exactly how you feel. It's an awful, awful feeling and you will feel alone right now but that won't end. Just remember he's trying to keep alive a relationship that is obviously flawed whilst you are now free to go out and build the live that he has with someone who is dedicated to you. My friend said to me the other day "you are now free to carve you own life, rather than live in the shadow of someone elses". The other thing that has really helped me is FOs post here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220970/ Just keep reading it over and over! Tx Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Hey GS You will make it out of this mess, you've just got to keep putting one foot in front of the other. NC is the way to clear your mind and get back the control you have of your own emotions and it will take away the desperation you feel. It really is so, so hard, especially at first, but stay the course because it's so worth it. Go out with your friends and keep yourself busy. Time will become your own again. (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Well he wouldnt even meet me face-to-face as it turns out. He text and said 'sorry Im busy, have a nice day'. After everything we shared and said to each other. I am gutted! We eventually spoke- after I pleaded. He said he did have feelings for me but that the guilt and stress were too much for him. He said his feelings have changed but he'd like to stay friends. This time last week he was texting 'my heart for you'. God Im hurting. How can he say the things he said, shared what we shared and then be so cold and hurtful? (((Getting_stronger))) I know how you feel. While I am a MOW I had fallen for my XOM and I too felt when he ended things with me the same way you do in this post. I mean it literally was one day to the next that he became cold as well and also wanted to be friends. I never will understand this. I do not know how a person just shuts it off. I often think that it probably never meant the same for him as did for me. While I carried on a friendship with my XOM for a year after the A ended I couldn't do it any longer. There was no way we could be friends after that. I went NC in Sept '09 and was the best thing I ever did for myself. While I still have moments of pain especially the feeling like a "fool" for believing everything my XOM said to me. Don't beat yourself up, you loved your MM wholeheartedly and were true to yourself and your feelings, unfortunately he was not and does not deserve another wasted thought from you (I know it is hard). Hang in there time really does seem to heal as cliche as it sounds. I never thought I would get over the pain of my A ending, but I have and while I still do not feel COMPLETELY healed I no longer carry the heavy emotions I once had, they are more at a distance now like a faint memory. I am hoping one day it will eventually all fade away. Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 God give me strength. How can you end that with the above statement? Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Thanks FO Well he wouldnt even meet me face-to-face as it turns out. He text and said 'sorry Im busy, have a nice day'. After everything we shared and said to each other. I am gutted! We eventually spoke- after I pleaded. He said he did have feelings for me but that the guilt and stress were too much for him. He said his feelings have changed but he'd like to stay friends. This time last week he was texting 'my heart for you'. God Im hurting. How can he say the things he said, shared what we shared and then be so cold and hurtful? Yikes, sorry you pleaded with him to see you How humiliating for you. You are going to have to accept that you really weren't that important to him, and that you were way more invested than him. Let him go -- as much as it hurts, it won't hurt as nearly as much as the continued rejection if you keep trying to see him/get together with him. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 I think married men use other women for what is lacking in their marriages .. Distance yourself from him and do not have further communication with him, he will realize on his own how he has mistreated you . One of the posters offered that these relationships can be a reminder that something was lacking from your life, and to help you to pursue that with another - in order to fulfil .. It is a good idea to go ahead with your life, for God has made you a Whole, beautiful woman - and not dependent on the appreciation of this man .. Busy yourself with that that you have always wanted to do, unfinished projects, creativity, etc .. You will find true blissfull happiness when you are with the one who gives and shares with you, the love .. God Will help you .. I pray that God will bring you the desires of your heart .. Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet memories Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Hi GS, If you're not in to deep then perhaps just say a mental "thank you" to him for showing him that you want more, and then heal the scar and work on finding it with someone who can give it to you ... best wishes Chris Very nice post...but i believe she should first get divorce and than work in finding it with someone who can give it to her like you posted above. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Getting_stronger Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 Thank you everyone for your comments. They have helped more than you know. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 Hi GS, Unless he's a total sleazeball the answer as to "how can he say one thing etc" is probably just that he is hurting and confused ... as are you. In short - that's why these situations are so destructive. I notice from your original question that you say that seeing his life has made you think that perhaps you want some of that stability?? Speaking entirely from personal experience, my relationship with a MW forced me to look at a huge void in my life ... I realised that i was missing SO much ... and that YES some of the security and stablity that I'd always laughed at was, in fact, what I now wanted .. In short - it opened my eyes. It also led to me wanting children, which I eventually did -not not with her. Up until that point I'd never wanted anything like that and had always been quite happy. So maybe you've actually answered your own question .. he has his life and his wife and his happy home etc ... and now you have realised that you don't have the same ... Perhaps another question to ask is do you think you will get the same if you stay in an Affair ... where you will most likely be "off the shelf" as far as other people are concerned (and therefore not open to meeting someone new) ... I now try to view my xMW with compassion as the person who helped me realise that I wanted more ... the reality was, though, that by definition she wasn't able to give it to me ... It took us both over 10 years to realise that ... and part of that was my refusal to admit to myself that i was jealous in some way ... I went NC for good back in September and have stuck to it. It's felt like pulling my own teeth at times, but I am so glad I did it. How can I meet someone who can give me what I need if I am keeping myself stuck to somone who never is??? If you're not in to deep then perhaps just say a mental "thank you" to him for showing him that you want more, and then heal the scar and work on finding it with someone who can give it to you ... best wishes Chris You outdid yourself with this one...(((((Chris)))) Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 does your H know about what you are doing behind his back....??? Scorp, you just can't help yourself.... Don't get offended at anything Scorp says, he always means well ...and hey BTW she didn't say if she had a H....did she? He comes off rough, although has a really big heart.... Link to post Share on other sites
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