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[whydoifeelsobad]

here's my story. i apologize for the length in advance. i've been in a (mostly) sexless marriage for 8 years. we've gone to counseling 2x, talked about it at length, but nothing changes and my h refuses to deal with it. as a result of this, i've felt unloved, unattractive, undesirable.

 

almost 3 years ago i cheated on h w/ a man i was friends with/knew liked me. no sex, just kissing - but i felt horrible, so guilty. i tried to make my marriage work. i even tried to convince myself that i could live a semi-celibate life and i just needed to be content. h is a nice guy, a good provider materially, and i believe loves me as much as he's capable. about a year ago, i confessed the indescretion to h (mostly out of guilt, but also hoping it would open his eyes to my pain) and he barely reacted.

 

this past december i decided that my marriage was unsavable. i felt like i had done everything i could and any physical attraction i ever had for h was completely gone. so i began steps to get out (talking to family and close friends and working towards financial independence).

 

the other part of this story is what is just killing me. around the same time i confessed the kiss to h, i received a friend request on facebook from a man i went to college with nearly 20 years ago. we were friends who had a one night thing (he's older and grauated soon after) and in all honesty, i had barely thought of him over the years (i was only 18 when i knew him!). after i added him, i could tell that wasn't the case for him. his emails, while not direct, left me with the impression that he had feelings for me and wanted to see me again (we now live in different states, but he said he travels to my city frequently on business and wanted to get together when he was here next). i knew this guy would be trouble for me - insanely handsome, successful, funny, interesting, smart, oh, and married for 15 years with 2 kids. so i started ignoring his emails and when he did come here and wanted to see me, i blew it off. plus - i was really trying to make my marriage work and didn't want any sort of outside temptations.

 

fast forward to this past january. h is out of town on business and i'm on facebook and a chat from mm pops up. started off very friendly (catching up on old times/people we knew/etc) and then he drops the bomb that he's thought about me for 20 yrs, has tried to find me, regrets not pursuing something with me and is sure i am the "one who got away". i was stunned but, given my situation, intrigued and unbelievably flattered. this began our 2 month "facebook affair". chats, texts, emails, calls, etc - i have never been so pursued. i figured, well, my marriage is over, why not have some fun with this guy and i tried not to think about the fact that he was married w/ kids. it was exciting and i got sucked in quickly. although there was definite flirtation/sex talk we also got to know each other and of course we had so much in common. he was romantic, too. would say super sweet things, send me songs that reminded him of me, and was so open about how much he thought about me, etc. why do married men do this?? why do they come on so strong??

 

he came to my city about a month ago to see me. h was, again, out of town and mm jumped on a plane and came here. we went to dinner and had an amazing time. and, of course, we ended up kissing (again no sex). we also discussed our marriages at length and i told him i was leaving my h. he said he was very unhappy (he and w have nothing in common, not friends, together for the kids, bad sex life, no affection - blah blah blah) and knew that i was the girl he should've married and that he had been in love with me/thought about me since college. i'm smart enough to realize that all of his "confessions" were only going to suck me in, that he wasn't ready to leave his w, and i was going to end up with a broken heart. so i told him i wasn't going to be his girl on the side and if/when he or she ever left, maybe we could see if something could work. i told him he should leave and go back home and so he did, a day early. but then he wouldn't leave me alone - texts, calls, emails again. "i need you", "i miss you", "if i knew we wouldn't talk again i never would've come out there", etc. so i caved. and we were back at it a few days later - chats, calls, etc. last week we arranged to meet at a neighboring city of mine (he could make up a business excuse to be there) while my h is out of town. he was supposed to come in today. last thursday, after a 3 hour phone call, i just got sick. my emotions were totally engaged, i was falling for this guy big time, and i knew it was going to end in disaster (for everyone). seeing him again would only make it worse. so i sent him an email on friday telling him i wasn't into this anymore, was too good for it, and to please not contact me ever again. and i "unfriended" him on fb. he sent an email back saying he understood, wasn't happy about it, but it was the right thing and he'd leave me alone.

 

on saturday, i told my husband i wanted a divorce. i have to say, we really are good friends and have committed to make it as amicable as possible. we don't have kids, so hopefully everything will go ok. but it still hurts...

 

meanwhile, i haven't heard from mm and it is killing me. i miss him!! he brought excitement and passion into my life and i felt alive for the first time in many years. i am trying to be strong and will not contact him, but inside i hurt so badly!!! why??? after only 2 months and only seeing each other once?? how long will this last?? i hate to say this, but i am more upset about ending things with mm than i am about my marriage ending. and there's a big part of me that wants him to contact me - just being honest here. oh, and on sunday - i ended up in the hospital w/ a kidney stone and am now laid up and on pain meds wh/ doesn't help anything. the stress of all this is unbelievable. what a weekend!! any advice, words of wisdom, encouragement would be wonderful. i never thought i would be the type of person to get involved with something like this.

[jennie-jennie]

I just want to send you some hugs. I read your whole story. Oftentimes I will not read a story that is too long, but yours caught my attention. It is in ways similar to my own - the sexless marriage, the love from the past, the intense pursuit, the strong emotions already early on after getting back in contact.

 

I don't have much to say, other than I feel for you, and hope in the future you will find the kind of relationship you long for, whoever it will be with.

[fooled once]

I think you are incredibly flattered and after having a less than affectionate marriage, you are starved for attention.

 

Reminder - he is married. He can say all he wants he is unhappy and wants out, but he isn't getting out (at least not now).

 

You two barely really know each other. You two are not even dating because HE'S MARRIED.

 

Keep the NC. Don't start anything until your DIVORCE is final and then start a new relationship with a single guy.

 

You know this will end badly and after only 2 months, look how bad you are hurting. Think how you would feel in 6 months or a year.

 

You don't really want to be the mistress. So don't settle.

 

Good luck with your divorce.

[whydoifeelsobad]

fooled once - thank you for your post. i appreciate the tough love and i KNOW everything you said is true. it still hurts tho. today has been the worst by far, probably b/c this is the longest we've gone w/o talking. and i am soo lonely and have been for years. i want the pain to go away, but also want it to sting just enuf so i NEVER get myself in the same situation.

 

i am scared he's going to contact me. he's said he wouldn't before and does, but it is usually immediate, so maybe he will go away for good?? why do they do this??

[pureinheart]

fooled once - thank you for your post. i appreciate the tough love and i KNOW everything you said is true. it still hurts tho. today has been the worst by far, probably b/c this is the longest we've gone w/o talking. and i am soo lonely and have been for years. i want the pain to go away, but also want it to sting just enuf so i NEVER get myself in the same situation.

 

i am scared he's going to contact me. he's said he wouldn't before and does, but it is usually immediate, so maybe he will go away for good?? why do they do this??

 

God only knows why...maybe because they can. I have looked for answers also, it is one where there is no answer, just the question.

 

It may not be the same...this is just my sitch...MM persued me relentlessly, I couldn't handle even the EA (meaning no sex) so went NC...his W left him and they are D now.

 

He was the Prince in the beginning and turned into the Frog (actually this is a great insult to frogs).

 

You would think that now that he is D'ed all would be great right? Wrong...it's all about the chase for him...he's gettin up in age though...hope he wakes up soon...but, not my problem.

[silverplanets]

I just want to send you some hugs. I read your whole story. Oftentimes I will not read a story that is too long, but yours caught my attention. It is in ways similar to my own - the sexless marriage, the love from the past, the intense pursuit, the strong emotions already early on after getting back in contact.

 

I don't have much to say, other than I feel for you, and hope in the future you will find the kind of relationship you long for, whoever it will be with.

 

Agree with the above - you deserve hugs. I spent aged 21-26 in a sexless marriage .. completely soul destroying.

 

Stay strong though - it does get better .

Edited February 24, 2010 by silverplanets
spelt soul as sole .. made me laugh anyway :-)

[White Flower]

meanwhile, i haven't heard from mm and it is killing me. i miss him!! he brought excitement and passion into my life and i felt alive for the first time in many years. i am trying to be strong and will not contact him, but inside i hurt so badly!!! why??? after only 2 months and only seeing each other once?? how long will this last?? i hate to say this, but i am more upset about ending things with mm than i am about my marriage ending. and there's a big part of me that wants him to contact me - just being honest here. oh, and on sunday - i ended up in the hospital w/ a kidney stone and am now laid up and on pain meds wh/ doesn't help anything. the stress of all this is unbelievable. what a weekend!! any advice, words of wisdom, encouragement would be wonderful. i never thought i would be the type of person to get involved with something like this.

whydoifeelsobad,

 

Why do you feel so bad? Let's see, well first of all you've lived in a sexless M for 8 years. I don't know how you did that. You tried everything including counseling and it didn't work. You fell out of love. THAT is why it doesn't hurt to D your H. I felt the same way.

 

I was going to strongly urge you not to continue on with MM but you beat me to the punchline and killed the A yourself. You know you could start it back up at any moment, but it WILL only be an A and you're right, you're too good for that. Trust me, I have advised many an OW that if they are happy in As then go right ahead and do what you find to be fulfilling, but whydoifeelsobad, you have already suffered 8 years in a sexless M! Do you think MM is going to give you the adequate supply of white hot sex that you need? I don't think so, especially given that he lives out of state.

 

If his 'love' was really real for you, and he really 'needs' you then he will D his W and come and get you. You stated that it hurts now that he's gone. That means you love him. If you think it is worth a try, send him a note at FB and tell him you're ready to pick it up once he is D'd. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for the SAME situation you had with H only MM won't be sleeping in the same bed. You might get more sex, but not the kind you were hoping for that comes with a committed and loving R--someone who can be there for you when you pass a kidney stone. ((((whydoifeelsobad)))). That means hugs to you.

 

Best of luck. I hope you find a guy who lives right there in your city who can meet all of your needs.

[White Flower]

fooled once - thank you for your post. i appreciate the tough love and i KNOW everything you said is true. it still hurts tho. today has been the worst by far, probably b/c this is the longest we've gone w/o talking. and i am soo lonely and have been for years. i want the pain to go away, but also want it to sting just enuf so i NEVER get myself in the same situation.

 

i am scared he's going to contact me. he's said he wouldn't before and does, but it is usually immediate, so maybe he will go away for good?? why do they do this??

They do this because they can. They do this because they're not satisfied. They do this because they're sex addicts. No, not all, but there are so many kinds of MMs and there are so many reasons behind their pursuit of an A. With a 50-60% D rate (at least in the US and depending on the state) you know As are going on a lot more than they're reported. When we fall into one we feel as if we are the only one in the world it has happened to but we aren't. Keep reading here and you'll see just how common it is.

 

The pain you feel for MM magnifies and mirrors the pain you had for 8 years. Separate yet connected because one has melted into the other. I D'd after meeting MM so we have similarities. I didn't leave my H FOR MM like you didn't. My M was bad anyway and the D would have happened eventually. I do admit the D process was probably spend up because I couldn't be 'torn between two lovers'.

 

You concern me because like me you ask the why, why, why which keeps you right there front and centered on MM. I am very analytical and I did the same thing. It is like MM is my project and if we never see each other again I not only lost the love of my life, but my focus, my book, my everything.

 

Be careful because although your A never really got off the ground you're so taken up with it.