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Please what does this mean? I split up with my married man a week ago (posted in Hitting rock bottom and ashamed of myself) but to quickly recap he's a colleague, bipolar, alcoholic, drug user and in a 22 year reationship. We fell out last Saturady as I felt he was making no effort and just taking. It ended with me throwing a glass, which is most out of character. Anyway I've been doing okay but today was the first time I have seen him since as we went back to work today, I managed to avoid him at work but he was waiting in the park for me and persuaded me to go for a drink. He basically wanted me to agree to be friend, he said we were friends before the affair so why can't we be now it's over? I said there was no way I could do that I explained all the things he's done which had caused me to explode and throw the glass and he didn't try to explain his behaviour or deny it. He just kept smirking at me as I talked about my feelings and I said how could you possibly want to be friends he said oh because I'd miss you if we weren't and he said he'd be my friend even if I wouldn't be his. He said my beahviuor last week had just reminded him of his partner's behaviour and that all he wants is peace and harmony and then he ended it by saying face facts we would have ended up as a rowing couple. To me he is admitting he has been using me, I can't believe it, he's ugly and horrid and has huge personal issues how could he use me then reject me and why does he think I could remain friends how can he want to be? I am in bits, I feel shattered I had NO IDEA I was being used I thought he wanted me. I've been reading a bit about sociopaths and he seems to have the characteristics of one. I don't know how to accept this rejection, it's sooo cold

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Please what does this mean? I split up with my married man a week ago (posted in Hitting rock bottom and ashamed of myself) but to quickly recap he's a colleague, bipolar, alcoholic, drug user and in a 22 year reationship. We fell out last Saturady as I felt he was making no effort and just taking. It ended with me throwing a glass, which is most out of character. Anyway I've been doing okay but today was the first time I have seen him since as we went back to work today, I managed to avoid him at work but he was waiting in the park for me and persuaded me to go for a drink. He basically wanted me to agree to be friend, he said we were friends before the affair so why can't we be now it's over?

 

He's not into facing consequences and would rather keep you there in the backgroung for him to pick up at his leisure.

 

I said there was no way I could do that I explained all the things he's done which had caused me to explode and throw the glass and he didn't try to explain his behaviour or deny it. He just kept smirking at me as I talked about my feelings and I said how could you possibly want to be friends he said oh because I'd miss you if we weren't and he said he'd be my friend even if I wouldn't be his.

 

The smirk shows his complacency and his doubt that you will follow your words with supporting actions. He completely takes you for granted and assumes that you will always be there to play your role of ego-stroker. By saying he'll be your friend anyway he's continuing to assume to control over you, as if 'Oh, she'll give in. If she even tries. How can she possibly resist my charms?'

 

He said my beahviuor last week had just reminded him of his partner's behaviour and that all he wants is peace and harmony and then he ended it by saying face facts we would have ended up as a rowing couple.

 

He's giving you conditions and turning the blame for the situation on your reaction rather than his crazy, out-of-control behaviour that led to it. "Why can't you just be supportive in his choice of pursuits?" He's delusional. Seriously. Not to mention an egomaniac

 

To me he is admitting he has been using me, I can't believe it, he's ugly and horrid and has huge personal issues how could he use me then reject me and why does he think I could remain friends how can he want to be? I am in bits, I feel shattered I had NO IDEA I was being used I thought he wanted me. I've been reading a bit about sociopaths and he seems to have the characteristics of one. I don't know how to accept this rejection, it's sooo cold

 

Run away! Run away! Run away! You deserve so, so much better. Take your control back and give him the shock he deserves. Good luck hon.

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Thank you Hazyhead that's a brilliant reply, I agree with you I must run away and take back control and I was doing okayish until today and his clear rejection. He has just texted me that he had no agenda but my beahviour on Saturady educated him and although he loves me to bits he can't live with the fallout. So he has turned his back on me and I find that so unbearable and confusing.

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Thank you Hazyhead that's a brilliant reply, I agree with you I must run away and take back control and I was doing okayish until today and his clear rejection. He has just texted me that he had no agenda but my beahviour on Saturady educated him and although he loves me to bits he can't live with the fallout. So he has turned his back on me and I find that so unbearable and confusing.

 

Please don't respond to his texts. Ignore him. That gives you the power. He's just playing games. If his love for you can't survive a broken glass, what does that tell you? He's putting the focus on your behavior instead of his own -- which is not nice at all. I agree. He sounds like an egomaniac. How is it loving you to sit there and smirk when he knows you are emotionally distraught by his behavior? Some friend.

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GreenEyedLady

You wanna know what he thinks?

 

That he just got dumped by his side piece and HE'S the one who's supposed to be calling the shots.

 

This guy is a bundle of problems that you don't want.

 

Ignore him. He is nothing to you. You caught him off guard and now he's trying to save face.

 

GEL

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bentnotbroken

What I don't get is how can a drug addicted alcoholic bi polar liar persuade you to do anything? What's so appealing about him, the drugs, the alcohol, being bi-polar or that he is in a 22 year relationship? :eek::confused::(

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Please what does this mean? I split up with my married man a week ago (posted in Hitting rock bottom and ashamed of myself) but to quickly recap he's a colleague, bipolar, alcoholic, drug user and in a 22 year reationship. We fell out last Saturady as I felt he was making no effort and just taking. It ended with me throwing a glass, which is most out of character. Anyway I've been doing okay but today was the first time I have seen him since as we went back to work today, I managed to avoid him at work but he was waiting in the park for me and persuaded me to go for a drink. He basically wanted me to agree to be friend, he said we were friends before the affair so why can't we be now it's over? I said there was no way I could do that I explained all the things he's done which had caused me to explode and throw the glass and he didn't try to explain his behaviour or deny it. He just kept smirking at me as I talked about my feelings and I said how could you possibly want to be friends he said oh because I'd miss you if we weren't and he said he'd be my friend even if I wouldn't be his. He said my beahviuor last week had just reminded him of his partner's behaviour and that all he wants is peace and harmony and then he ended it by saying face facts we would have ended up as a rowing couple. To me he is admitting he has been using me, I can't believe it, he's ugly and horrid and has huge personal issues how could he use me then reject me and why does he think I could remain friends how can he want to be? I am in bits, I feel shattered I had NO IDEA I was being used I thought he wanted me. I've been reading a bit about sociopaths and he seems to have the characteristics of one. I don't know how to accept this rejection, it's sooo cold

 

Listen to him and watch him - he is showing you the REAL him.

 

Do not let him persuade you to spend anymore time with him.

 

See him for the jerk he is.

 

I am sorry you are hurting.

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What on earth is this idiot thinking today! He has just wandered into my office to ask if I am okay,I told him not to talk to me & turned my head. He then sent text claiming he doesnt know what he's done! He must know,he's not daft,why's he playing the innocent victim? Oh,I wish I could jump all over him till he's squashed!

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Please what does this mean? I split up with my married man a week ago (posted in Hitting rock bottom and ashamed of myself) but to quickly recap he's a colleague, bipolar, alcoholic, drug user and in a 22 year reationship.

 

 

Well it sounds like you picked the worst guy you could possibly find.

 

Do you not think you deserve any better than this gum on your shoe trash?

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torranceshipman

He's not a sociopath-he is just a run of the mill, straight up garden variety loser. DON'T be his friend and DON'T waste time thinking about this schlob. Course he rejected you - he was married and also is just retarded in general and will never be capable of making good decisions.

 

The big thing is to work out why you would still be hung up on such a loser, because its important to avoid this type of loser in the future. He is so obviously a loser, to be fair, why would you ever get with him in the first place? Not flaming - we've all fallen for someone unsuitable at some time - just try to avoid doing it again!

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What on earth is this idiot thinking today! He has just wandered into my office to ask if I am okay,I told him not to talk to me & turned my head. He then sent text claiming he doesnt know what he's done! He must know,he's not daft,why's he playing the innocent victim? Oh,I wish I could jump all over him till he's squashed!

 

Perhaps you should have aimed better during the glass throwing incident? :)

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it is best if you realize that the common denominator in this chaos is HIM.

 

there is a reason for that. it's HIM.

 

stay away, if you intend to do what's best for YOU, stay away!

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Ug, am feeling reaaaaallllly low and down. Don't even know if it's related to him or not either. It's been almost two weeks since the end and I managed to survive the week at work with him with no contact at all initated by me, yesterday ended with him demanding I meet him for a drink to talk to him or he would never bother me again (as apparently that my wish-don't know where he got that from), well I didn't go. He doesn't want me back he just wants me to agree to be friends (why?) he seems to think he can control me. If I thought he wanted me back I probably would have gone I just find it sooooo cold that he wants to be friends that I can't face a chat with him to try to have 'smooth closure'. I am just sooooo utterly fed up, it hurts that someone like him, who chased me in the start, would now reject me, he's a scruffy drug using bi-polar alcoholic. Well if a man like that doesn't want me... great! It's Friday night and it used to be our night and while I'm stuck home I know he's out with girlfriend of 22 years having a ball. Ug,not tempted to contact him just feeling really what's the point, feeling really hopeless at everything a joke and a proper all round failure. Sorry, I know there's nothing anyone can say you don't know me to tell me any different just really felt like ranting!

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dannie19,

 

If I had to wager a bet. I'd bet he's not done with you.

 

He's angry that you didn't comply with his demand to meet for a drink, however, he'll likely be back for his ego to be stroked.

 

You've done well with the NC and not giving in to his demand to meet for a drink.

 

You've done even better by being the one to stand up for yourself and show him that you won't accept things the way they are. You've earned some respect, so hang in there, because I'm thinking he's gonna try to make contact again.

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bentnotbroken
Ug, am feeling reaaaaallllly low and down. Don't even know if it's related to him or not either. It's been almost two weeks since the end and I managed to survive the week at work with him with no contact at all initated by me, yesterday ended with him demanding I meet him for a drink to talk to him or he would never bother me again (as apparently that my wish-don't know where he got that from), well I didn't go. He doesn't want me back he just wants me to agree to be friends (why?) he seems to think he can control me. If I thought he wanted me back I probably would have gone I just find it sooooo cold that he wants to be friends that I can't face a chat with him to try to have 'smooth closure'. I am just sooooo utterly fed up, it hurts that someone like him, who chased me in the start, would now reject me, he's a scruffy drug using bi-polar alcoholic. Well if a man like that doesn't want me... great! It's Friday night and it used to be our night and while I'm stuck home I know he's out with girlfriend of 22 years having a ball. Ug,not tempted to contact him just feeling really what's the point, feeling really hopeless at everything a joke and a proper all round failure. Sorry, I know there's nothing anyone can say you don't know me to tell me any different just really felt like ranting!

 

 

The two bolded statements are in complete contradiction of each other. I get the feeling that the 2 of you are birds of a feather.

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What does he mean? hes telling you hes an azz...

 

What does he want? he doesnt know otherwise he wouldnt be a "scruffy drug using bipolar alcoholic". Hes lost but that is no longer your problem.

 

Those are his major characteristics now in your mind and because you know you lowered your standards to be with him, your ego is damaged because he should be jumping at the chance to be with you.

 

But you cant get your validation from that. AND he is married. He has years with his wife and its not a competition between you and her.

 

You fell for him for whatever reason - so you miss him but with all those problems you wouldnt really want him if you had him. It doesnt help to hear that now but its true. You are lonely but he is not the answer (again I know it doesnt help to hear that)

 

As for the work friends thing, welcome to my world...

 

It DOES NOT MATTER WHAT HE WANTS. It does not matter what his agenda is. He is married and you dont want the affair so whether he is done, he wants to talk to you, he wants to be friends. All unimportant.

 

The important thing is that you stood up for yourself and told him to leave you alone. NO you dont have to be his friend and guess what the friendship would never be the same.

 

WHY would you ever be friends with someone who has hurt you?

 

You wouldnt and you wont.

 

Ignore him. With time it gets easier (practice makes perfect). Hes a user - he told you he used you and he has major problems in his life. They are no longer yours. He is not your friend and while you may wish him well you cant be involved. You owe him nothing. He can look back fondly on the moments you spent together but thats all he gets of you ih the future. His memories.

 

Hang in there. It takes time but you will get past this. Each day will get easier.

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JJ33 what you wrote about me getting a sense of worth from being with him is spot on and his rejection makes me feel incredibly cheap. It's probably similar reasons why I know he will never leave his 22 year relationship because she has the same habits as him and I guess that validates him and makes him feel that lifestyle is okay. I have to get my sense of self back or maybe I hadn't even developed one fully which could have been why I got involved in the first place?!

 

Thank you to everyone for all your support, it really makes me feel like I am not standing up to him on my own but with a small army rooting for me, thank you.

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You're welcome dannie19 and we'll be needing your support at times too.

 

JJ33 is very wise and has alot to offer.

 

We'll be ok dannie, this is just a fork in the road. We'll get through this and be wiser and better human beings for it.

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Ug, he's just sent me a text saying 'Think I may have a new job in Germany' why's he telling me? Am I meant to ask him not to go? Honestly I find it hard to beleve he struggles to leave his area of London! I imagine he is just looking for a reaction, he won't get one. Only I am really shocked by my physical response, my heart is pounding! Am sooo furious he disrepected my wishes and texted. Think I am realising that even though I am incredibly unhappy at moment without him I also was with him, so he really not the missing link in my life. I have also been reading a lot of posts on here and note how many say their MM is their soul mate and how much they love him, I don't seem to mention that, I can't even love him at end of day can I?

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Danni he is trying to see if you are still in it because he still wants you to be in it (on his terms of course). In his little world its ok to say outrageous things like that he used you and you are still suppposed to be so in love with him that you say, ok dokey, lets pick up where we left off.

 

Its so hard to wrap your head around the fact that this person that you thought you loved and perhaps did love and that you had something very special with has morphed into this other person.

 

Everyone copes with a break up differently. And the issue with an A is that you dont leave because you dont love them. You leave because you cant have them. So they know or think they know that you rae still hooked (so why cant they continue to have it their way).

 

The thing is once its over its really every man for himself or herself. He is looking to continue to get his needs met. He likes your company and interacting with you.

 

Good for him.

 

But not good for you. So you need to cut it off. Dont respond. Its difficult to be "mean" sometimes but hes not being nice by disrespecting you.

 

You are doing great. You should be angry that he is disrespecting your wishes.

 

Its all very tangled and a mess. THe sooner you can extricate your heart, the better.

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Ug, he's just sent me a text saying 'Think I may have a new job in Germany' why's he telling me? Am I meant to ask him not to go? Honestly I find it hard to beleve he struggles to leave his area of London! I imagine he is just looking for a reaction, he won't get one. Only I am really shocked by my physical response, my heart is pounding! Am sooo furious he disrepected my wishes and texted. Think I am realising that even though I am incredibly unhappy at moment without him I also was with him, so he really not the missing link in my life. I have also been reading a lot of posts on here and note how many say their MM is their soul mate and how much they love him, I don't seem to mention that, I can't even love him at end of day can I?

 

If he goes to Germany it will be so much easier for you to heal. Let him go. encourage him even. You will be so much better off without him around.

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JJ33 You are spot on again! Thank you.

 

You are right it is hard to be mean and that makes me even more angry that I am forced to be so by him. I really care about people pleasing and I think that is another problem, crickey, I seem to have a lot of soul searching ahead of me as well as ignoring and getting over this utter prat! Ug, and I so wanted 2010 to be a great year, first two months been just rotten! Onwards and upwards....

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Glad it was helpful. I hope you have an easier time of it than I did.

 

You are not alone if that helps. Many of us would never have ended up in the situation if we hadnt had these issues. Not all but many.

 

Hopefully he will leave and never return from Germany. That would be very helpful.

 

Just remember you owe him NOTHING. He looks after himself and you look after you. So all you can do is ignore him. If you keep ignoring him chances are his attempts to get your attention will escalate.

 

Ive gotten everything from calls at home at all hours, worries about my career, invitations, etc etc etc it spans the whole gamut and in some respects defies imagination because come on. Its been so long and it always ends the same way. You are married we made a mistake we arent making that mistake again. You are married we shouldnt spend time together unless it absolutely necessary for business. And usually I have been pushed so far that my language cant be repeated on this forum.

 

If you have the option, dont put yourself in that position. Just cut him off. Even if he was single do you REALLY want a mentally unstable druggie alcoholic partner (no really you dont).

 

So look back on the good times, consider it a lesson learned and ignore him. If he doesnt leave you alone at work, then just slap him upside the head.

 

Under NO circumstance must you go to HR. NEVER NEVER NEVER. You have to suck that up. Going to HR means you have a problem. He is not worth causing an HR issue. He sounds like the kind of guy who will implode on his own.

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Thank you, you're a star.

 

Now he's just texted that he loves me! You were right his attempts to get my attention are escalating, however, it also Saturday afternoon (here in England anyhow) so he'll be beyond drunk at this time. Ignoring him, especially as have no intention of trying to converse with him when he's drunk. I think his behaviour at work drew more than enough attention to us, I'll just bite the bullet and plough on. He's also been flirting with other members of staff in front of me (you know standing closer than you need to and stuff) so good luck to him, expect they more sense and pride than me and will just give him a drop kick!

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