Ughhhhhhhh.....

[otherman]

I am a person who like to talk things out sometimes, but whenever I try to tell her what's on my mind and how I feel, she says I am being mean. I am not saying anything mean. True I might ask a question that could yeild a hurtful answer, but it's not hurtful to her it's hurtful to me. Most of the time if I complain it's about how she hasn't left yet, and how I feel jealous your with him. She pushes away when I talk about these things. I try not to let it get to me, but it does. I know it's not all about me, and I am sure the affiar is hard on her, but it's coming up on a year in a few short months and she is still there. I love her too much to walk away. I sometimes wonder would she even come after me if I did walk away. I guess more or less I am raning, but feel free to respond. I know some might say I am being a panzy, but eh I can't help it. Why is she still with me if she doesn't love me? I don't feel like she is a cake eater. MARRIED WOMEN: If your marriage is so bad and you love your OM so much, why can't you just walk away from the marriage? I am sure there are 100 reasons not to, but I am also sure there are 100 reasons you should leave. How long must I wait for who I feel is my soulmate to come to me? It makes me feel guilty when I tell her "Hey, I am hurting because you are doing this,..." and she responds with "stop being mean" or "your hurting me"...when ever she has said very hurtful things to me in the past I never hold onto it, some people do I guess.

 

Anyways, just ranting, but reply if you like.

[Confused4Now]

I am a person who like to talk things out sometimes, but whenever I try to tell her what's on my mind and how I feel, she says I am being mean. I am not saying anything mean. True I might ask a question that could yeild a hurtful answer, but it's not hurtful to her it's hurtful to me. Most of the time if I complain it's about how she hasn't left yet, and how I feel jealous your with him. She pushes away when I talk about these things. I try not to let it get to me, but it does. I know it's not all about me, and I am sure the affiar is hard on her, but it's coming up on a year in a few short months and she is still there. I love her too much to walk away. I sometimes wonder would she even come after me if I did walk away. I guess more or less I am raning, but feel free to respond. I know some might say I am being a panzy, but eh I can't help it. Why is she still with me if she doesn't love me? I don't feel like she is a cake eater. MARRIED WOMEN: If your marriage is so bad and you love your OM so much, why can't you just walk away from the marriage? I am sure there are 100 reasons not to, but I am also sure there are 100 reasons you should leave. How long must I wait for who I feel is my soulmate to come to me? It makes me feel guilty when I tell her "Hey, I am hurting because you are doing this,..." and she responds with "stop being mean" or "your hurting me"...when ever she has said very hurtful things to me in the past I never hold onto it, some people do I guess.

 

Anyways, just ranting, but reply if you like.

Challenge her on her value system watch what happens....Trust me been there done that with where you're at. People will leave on their own time if ever. Stop wrapping yourself around this woman.... you will get obsessed and you will get unhealthy. Focus on you and maybe you stepping away might make her really think what she wants.

 

I can assure you looking back....I wouldn't be with myself after the way I started becoming something I wasn't. Don't let that happen to YOU.

[norajane]

I don't feel like she is a cake eater.

 

Just because you don't believe it, doesn't mean she isn't a cake eater.

 

Just because you believe she's you're soulmate, doesn't mean she is or that she believes you are her soulmate.

 

If she pushed you away when you express your feelings, and tells you it hurts her feelings when you express yourself, she cares more about her own feelings than yours. Selfish, self-centered, and self-involved. This affair is about her, and not about you. Meaning, it's not YOU that matters to her. SHE is her priority, and she will only do what SHE wants. And SHE doesn't want to leave her husband no matter how YOU feel about it.

 

Accept that, or move on. I'd suggest moving on, because it really doesn't get better from here.

[jerrytodd]

Just because you don't believe it, doesn't mean she isn't a cake eater.

 

Just because you believe she's you're soulmate, doesn't mean she is or that she believes you are her soulmate.

 

If she pushed you away when you express your feelings, and tells you it hurts her feelings when you express yourself, she cares more about her own feelings than yours. Selfish, self-centered, and self-involved. This affair is about her, and not about you. Meaning, it's not YOU that matters to her. SHE is her priority, and she will only do what SHE wants. And SHE doesn't want to leave her husband no matter how YOU feel about it.

 

Accept that, or move on. I'd suggest moving on, because it really doesn't get better from here.

 

In my opinion, this is completely true. She appears to be self centred. My ex MW had 1000 opportunities to end it with her not quite EXh but wouldnt do it.

 

My lesson is that I should have given the ultimatum at the time that we were still solid - either divorce or we are done. But I let it slide for about 15 months too long and we are done.

 

For your sake, give the talk - him or me. You will never regret it.

[fooled once]

Why should she end her marriage?

 

She has the safety and comfort of him and the excitement of you.

 

She doesn't have to leave because she knows you aren't going anywhere.

 

She has the best of both worlds and she is enjoying it.

 

So accept it or move on.

 

And I completely agree with Norajane -- she is selfish and self centered. She doesn't want to discuss leaving her H because she has no intention of leaving him (in my view).

[pureinheart]

I am a person who like to talk things out sometimes, but whenever I try to tell her what's on my mind and how I feel, she says I am being mean. I am not saying anything mean. True I might ask a question that could yeild a hurtful answer, but it's not hurtful to her it's hurtful to me. Most of the time if I complain it's about how she hasn't left yet, and how I feel jealous your with him. She pushes away when I talk about these things. I try not to let it get to me, but it does. I know it's not all about me, and I am sure the affiar is hard on her, but it's coming up on a year in a few short months and she is still there. I love her too much to walk away. I sometimes wonder would she even come after me if I did walk away. I guess more or less I am raning, but feel free to respond. I know some might say I am being a panzy, but eh I can't help it. Why is she still with me if she doesn't love me? I don't feel like she is a cake eater. MARRIED WOMEN: If your marriage is so bad and you love your OM so much, why can't you just walk away from the marriage? I am sure there are 100 reasons not to, but I am also sure there are 100 reasons you should leave. How long must I wait for who I feel is my soulmate to come to me? It makes me feel guilty when I tell her "Hey, I am hurting because you are doing this,..." and she responds with "stop being mean" or "your hurting me"...when ever she has said very hurtful things to me in the past I never hold onto it, some people do I guess.

 

Anyways, just ranting, but reply if you like.

 

If you are communicating to her the way you are communicating here, and I am not picking up you being uncool, nothing...just asking, hey what's up??? You have every right to ask what's up.

 

What I see here is her sidestepping this issue...she not only is twisting the issue but is turning it on YOU in the process...she is NOT validating your concerns or you in any way...you know?

 

ExDM was exactly like this....

[pureinheart]

Actually, this is worse than a cake eater...this is many tactics of abuse all rolled up into one.

 

Please keep posting OM....((((((huggggssss)))))

[whichwayisup]

OM, what's changed since you've joined LS? Go back and read your threads, and all the replies.

 

How long do you intend on letting her treat you this way? Yes, you love her, but this kind of love you share with her, is NOT healthy. It will ruin who you are, ruin your life, take away your pride, your self respect.

 

Somehow you have to get strong enough to let go, do NC. Not to hold out hope that giving her time and space, alone without you will make her choose, that she'll miss you, and divorce - But so YOU can find "you" again.

 

Do you have a life outside of your MW? What about your friends, family, collegues, hobbies, things you like to do on your own? Or does every thought consume you of her?

 

She may love you, but not enough to give up her husband, the life she has now. Her inlaws, friends, neighbours, finances, (kids?, not sure if she has any) the house, all that she's used to and become accustomed to.

[Samantha0905]

Asking a question from the other side of the coin -- being a former WS involved with a single man in an affair -- When you began the affair was she married? Yes. I don't mean this as snippy, but it's a selfish act on both of your parts. I know I felt selfish all the way around in my affair. I was sleeping with someone other than my husband. My XAP knew I was married. He knew what parts of my marriage were unhappy and what parts were happy. I knew I loved being with him, but yet had strong ties keeping me at home.

 

MARRIED WOMEN: If your marriage is so bad and you love your OM so much, why can't you just walk away from the marriage? I am sure there are 100 reasons not to, but I am also sure there are 100 reasons you should leave. How long must I wait for who I feel is my soulmate to come to me? It makes me feel guilty when I tell her "Hey, I am hurting because you are doing this,..." and she responds with "stop being mean" or "your hurting me"...when ever she has said very hurtful things to me in the past I never hold onto it, some people do I guess.

 

In my case, it's because I love my husband and children too. The AP filled the voids I thought were missing in my marriage.

 

Did I set out purposefully thinking I'm going to use this man to fill my voids? Hell, no. I was just as confused as he was about initiating the relationship. Once it starts, it is so difficult to stop it. I think the emotions (excitement, passion, etc.) are so elevated just from the relationship being an affair.

 

You shouldn't wait. You should date someone who is available. Consider your soulmate not available until she is completely divorced. Realize the two of you will more than likely not be together long term.

 

Of course it hurts you. She is more than likely hurt also. Both people are selfish. The relationship was simply not meant to be. You both played with fire (like me and my AP) and you both got burned.

 

As for her responses to you, she's scared she's going to lose you because she knows she isn't strong enough right now to leave her marriage. She may never be. The best thing you can do is walk and let the cards fall where they may. In the meantime, you should stay busy with friends, dating, etc.

[Ballerfamily]

I am a person who like to talk things out sometimes, but whenever I try to tell her what's on my mind and how I feel, she says I am being mean. I am not saying anything mean. True I might ask a question that could yeild a hurtful answer, but it's not hurtful to her it's hurtful to me. Most of the time if I complain it's about how she hasn't left yet, and how I feel jealous your with him. She pushes away when I talk about these things. I try not to let it get to me, but it does. I know it's not all about me, and I am sure the affiar is hard on her, but it's coming up on a year in a few short months and she is still there. I love her too much to walk away. I sometimes wonder would she even come after me if I did walk away. I guess more or less I am raning, but feel free to respond. I know some might say I am being a panzy, but eh I can't help it. Why is she still with me if she doesn't love me? I don't feel like she is a cake eater. MARRIED WOMEN: If your marriage is so bad and you love your OM so much, why can't you just walk away from the marriage? I am sure there are 100 reasons not to, but I am also sure there are 100 reasons you should leave. How long must I wait for who I feel is my soulmate to come to me? It makes me feel guilty when I tell her "Hey, I am hurting because you are doing this,..." and she responds with "stop being mean" or "your hurting me"...when ever she has said very hurtful things to me in the past I never hold onto it, some people do I guess.

 

Anyways, just ranting, but reply if you like.

 

do you understand MW in mid-life crisis. Your make believe. You dont fart and have bowel movements. Then one day she woke up from the fog. She doesnt want you to be like her husband who actually cares for her. She wants you to listen and feed her emotional needs that supposedly the terrible marriage doesnt. keep pushing. She ll get out of the fog quickly. Then you have a totally broken mlc woman. Have fun and enjoy. Wouldnt want to be you.

 

Thats most likely why affairs w MW dont last. She thinks you are without demands and needs, and when she finds out that you are like all men, and not some fanatasy, adios amigo.

Edited February 22, 2010 by Ballerfamily

[anne1707]

I don't feel like she is a cake eater. MARRIED WOMEN: If your marriage is so bad and you love your OM so much, why can't you just walk away from the marriage?

 

She sounds as if she is behaving in a similar way to how I behaved when I had my affair. And the reason why I did that was because I did not want to leave my marriage. My marriage was not as bad as the ex-OM believed and I also recognised that what was going on between the ex-OM and I was in some ways not real because there was no day to day routine etc that there is bound to be in a marriage (e.g. food shopping, mortgage payments, housework....). To put it simply, I was a cake eater.

 

She is putting you off because you are trying to force a decision out of her that she does not want to make. In my opinion, she does not intend to leave her marriage for you.

[BB07]

OM, I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Your AP sounds like she is being very selfish and putting your needs and wants at the bottom of the list.

 

You probably realize this, but just in case you don't. There is NOTHING you can do to make her leave her H, nor is there ANYTHING you can say to change her mind.

 

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. At some point in time, you will probably decide that it's too painful and it's time to walk away and get your life and your self respect back and your peace of mind, until then you have to accept the reality in that you want lots more than what you are getting.

[dazzle22]

I don't understand why OM or OW don't go out and look for other options instead of sitting by the phone like they are legally trapped or bound in these relationships. Only married people need have this degree of obligation.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why is she still with me if she doesn't love me?

 

Why would you assume that she doesn't love you? She may well love you. She just wants to stay married as well.

 

You have choices:

 

1. Call her H, and tell him everything and hope he throws her out and she has to be with you.

2. Walk away without looking back and see which side of the fence she falls on.

3. Do nothing.

 

The only thing that will result in her staying with you will be 3, but it will also result in her never leaving her husband. 1 and 2 are the only ways you will see her true feelings for you, and her intentions when it comes to her marriage. With 'knowing' comes risk: you may well lose her.

 

I suspect if you let on that your happiness depends on her, then she will more than likely ease her way out eventually. No one likes being held responsible for another's happiness.

 

I wish you could walk away, but it is never that easy.

[Jacky]

Sorry to hear about your pain, I am in a similar situation as you. But Samantha's post is probably expressing how my MW and your MW feels. I tried to force decision out of her but it is not happening. So I am doing nothing about it at the moment but I am still living my life (yes I know some people on the forum would not agree...)

 

Like previously mentioned, she loves her children and don't want to leave them but you are there to fill the voids in her marriage.

 

Good luck, brother

[silverplanets]

In my case, it's because I love my husband and children too. The AP filled the voids I thought were missing in my marriage.

Did I set out purposefully thinking I'm going to use this man to fill my voids? Hell, no. I was just as confused as he was about initiating the relationship. Once it starts, it is so difficult to stop it. I think the emotions (excitement, passion, etc.) are so elevated just from the relationship being an affair.

 

 

She sounds as if she is behaving in a similar way to how I behaved when I had my affair. And the reason why I did that was because I did not want to leave my marriage. My marriage was not as bad as the ex-OM believed and I also recognised that what was going on between the ex-OM and I was in some ways not real because there was no day to day routine etc that there is bound to be in a marriage (e.g. food shopping, mortgage payments, housework....). To put it simply, I was a cake eater.

 

 

Guys - I ALWAYS love your posts for their honesty and integrity. It's what any man involved with a MW NEEDS to hear ... from the horses mouth (if you excuse the expression).

 

I also don't think of you in any bad light because of it ... I admire your honesty and can appreciate the self-analysis, pain and time that it takes to get to these conclusions about one's own behaviour.

 

It's a slap in the face to really consider that one, in reality, is just providing extra bits to a MW who is actually mostly happy with their marriage .. but it's exactly what one needs to read.

 

It's a subsequent slap in the face when you realise that you are propably using them for the same ... ie filling in a void in your life.

 

love your posts

Chris

:-)

[Samantha0905]

Guys - I ALWAYS love your posts for their honesty and integrity. It's what any man involved with a MW NEEDS to hear ... from the horses mouth (if you excuse the expression).

 

I also don't think of you in any bad light because of it ... I admire your honesty and can appreciate the self-analysis, pain and time that it takes to get to these conclusions about one's own behaviour.

 

It's a slap in the face to really consider that one, in reality, is just providing extra bits to a MW who is actually mostly happy with their marriage .. but it's exactly what one needs to read.

 

It's a subsequent slap in the face when you realise that you are probably using them for the same ... ie filling in a void in your life.

 

love your posts

Chris

:-)

 

Thanks so much Chris. I do think my OM was using me in some ways to "fix" things from his past -- voids. Not intentionally, any more than I set out with intent to fill voids. Perhaps we all do that in some way in relationships?

 

I'm sorry it feels like a slap in the face -- and yes, I can see where it does in this direction also. It may be deserved all the way around in some ways. It's a slip back into fantasyland, but I do think things would have been so much nicer with me and my XAP had we met with both of us being single. Obviously. For me, that takes away some of the blow of the slap. I think we can be so harsh about our affair relationships. I know many people think it's best for recovery and for NC to be maintained. I don't want to get wrapped up in thinking horrible thoughts about my XAP to heal myself. Yes, he had issues. Certainly, I have issues. The relationship had issues. Don't we all? Although the relationship may not have worked out long term and was originated when it shouldn't have been -- I loved him. I will always know that.

 

And for what it's worth, and I don't want to be overly derogatory about my marriage -- I wouldn't say I'm mostly happy. I do realize, however, finding personal happiness has to start from within so I'm working on that right now.

[White Flower]

I am a person who like to talk things out sometimes, but whenever I try to tell her what's on my mind and how I feel, she says I am being mean. I am not saying anything mean. True I might ask a question that could yeild a hurtful answer, but it's not hurtful to her it's hurtful to me. Most of the time if I complain it's about how she hasn't left yet, and how I feel jealous your with him. She pushes away when I talk about these things. I try not to let it get to me, but it does. I know it's not all about me, and I am sure the affiar is hard on her, but it's coming up on a year in a few short months and she is still there. I love her too much to walk away. I sometimes wonder would she even come after me if I did walk away. I guess more or less I am raning, but feel free to respond. I know some might say I am being a panzy, but eh I can't help it. Why is she still with me if she doesn't love me? I don't feel like she is a cake eater. MARRIED WOMEN: If your marriage is so bad and you love your OM so much, why can't you just walk away from the marriage? I am sure there are 100 reasons not to, but I am also sure there are 100 reasons you should leave. How long must I wait for who I feel is my soulmate to come to me? It makes me feel guilty when I tell her "Hey, I am hurting because you are doing this,..." and she responds with "stop being mean" or "your hurting me"...when ever she has said very hurtful things to me in the past I never hold onto it, some people do I guess.

 

Anyways, just ranting, but reply if you like.

You are not being mean you are merely expressing a desire to know the truth. You want to know what her intentions are because you want to plan your future accordingly. That is being honest. You deserve an answer and her calling it 'mean' is just a way to gaslight you. The least she could do is be honest and tell you she isn't ready yet or will never leave. Tell her you are a man and you can take the truth.

[silverplanets]

Thanks so much Chris. I do think my OM was using me in some ways to "fix" things from his past -- voids. Not intentionally, any more than I set out with intent to fill voids. Perhaps we all do that in some way in relationships?

 

I'm sorry it feels like a slap in the face -- and yes, I can see where it does in this direction also. It may be deserved all the way around in some ways. It's a slip back into fantasyland, but I do think things would have been so much nicer with me and my XAP had we met with both of us being single. Obviously. For me, that takes away some of the blow of the slap. I think we can be so harsh about our affair relationships. I know many people think it's best for recovery and for NC to be maintained. I don't want to get wrapped up in thinking horrible thoughts about my XAP to heal myself. Yes, he had issues. Certainly, I have issues. The relationship had issues. Don't we all? Although the relationship may not have worked out long term and was originated when it shouldn't have been -- I loved him. I will always know that.

 

And for what it's worth, and I don't want to be overly derogatory about my marriage -- I wouldn't say I'm mostly happy. I do realize, however, finding personal happiness has to start from within so I'm working on that right now.

 

HI Samantha,

 

I agree, "slap in the face" was meant in a nice way rather than a harsh one. "Pull back into reality" is probably what I was trying to say.

 

And I agree also ... realising that the MW in my case was "happy enough" in her marriage and that I was fulfilling additional needs doesn't make her a bad person (nor me a bad person).

 

Hearing you guys say it just kinda makes it back into reality which is the best place to be.

 

We're just people after all, trying to do the best we can ... and as you say if one had met in a non affair situation it could have been a whole lot different.

 

I don't hate my xMW any more (they weren't my no 1 person for a while though !!) ... I've moved on from that now and actually I am grateful for them to revealing to myself a side of me I never knew existed.

 

I was sad for a long time that I couldn't return this gift from them by doing the same for them (healing what was wrong in their life) but it also kind of gives me a peace that they chose to stay and therefore ultimately it can't have been all bad for them.

 

I'd hate to think they were desperately unhappy on a day to day basis.

 

Chris

[Crazyforhim]

I am in a situation very similar to yours. I left my marriage late last year because I had fallen in love with my AP and could no longer live in the miserable lie-filled life I was in. Since that time, my AP has said several times he is leaving as well to be with me, but hasn't taken any action to this point.

 

In late January, we went NC so he could figure out what he really wanted without interference from me. I wanted more from him and constantly felt like I pressured him when I asked him why he couldn't leave and when we'd be together.

 

I thought it would be hard, but surprisingly, during this past month I have really learned many things about myself. I have learned that regardless of his decision, I made the right decision to end my marriage. I have also learned that there are many single nice guys out there who would probably be interested in going out, but I also learned that being by yourself is ok too. I've also figured out that I truly love my AP with all my heart, but if we never end up together, I am strong, I will move on and I will get over him.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is I was in the same situation and finally told him to go make a decision and get back with me. But the biggest surprise was the growth I found when I backed away. It has also helped me tremendously not to dwell on him so much not hearing the daily details of his personal life and obsessing over what decision he makes about his M.

 

It's been a little over a month and we plan to talk again in a few weeks about the status of our potential future. I definitely don't want to go into A mode again with him, but I think these last few weeks have given the clarity I need not to backslide.

[White Flower]

I am in a situation very similar to yours. I left my marriage late last year because I had fallen in love with my AP and could no longer live in the miserable lie-filled life I was in. Since that time, my AP has said several times he is leaving as well to be with me, but hasn't taken any action to this point.

 

In late January, we went NC so he could figure out what he really wanted without interference from me. I wanted more from him and constantly felt like I pressured him when I asked him why he couldn't leave and when we'd be together.

 

I thought it would be hard, but surprisingly, during this past month I have really learned many things about myself. I have learned that regardless of his decision, I made the right decision to end my marriage. I have also learned that there are many single nice guys out there who would probably be interested in going out, but I also learned that being by yourself is ok too. I've also figured out that I truly love my AP with all my heart, but if we never end up together, I am strong, I will move on and I will get over him.

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is I was in the same situation and finally told him to go make a decision and get back with me. But the biggest surprise was the growth I found when I backed away. It has also helped me tremendously not to dwell on him so much not hearing the daily details of his personal life and obsessing over what decision he makes about his M.

 

It's been a little over a month and we plan to talk again in a few weeks about the status of our potential future. I definitely don't want to go into A mode again with him, but I think these last few weeks have given the clarity I need not to backslide.

I can relate to this post on so many levels. If you go back and read my 2007 posts you'll see what I mean.

 

MM never once promised me he was leaving his M for me which is the only difference in our stories. I have been D'd for over a year and living alone (with my kids) for almost 2 years and carried on with the A during that time. MM is now contemplating leaving while in IC. Everybody said it wouldn't happen and I still don't know the future but I'll tell ya what--I never imagined in my wildest dreams he would be in counseling over me, or telling friends about me, or his family, or obtaining a lawyer. This has blown me away.

 

It is possible. Even if it doesn't work out for us, I now have a different outlook than what has been preached over and over on this website.

[pureinheart]

Asking a question from the other side of the coin -- being a former WS involved with a single man in an affair -- When you began the affair was she married? Yes. I don't mean this as snippy, but it's a selfish act on both of your parts. I know I felt selfish all the way around in my affair. I was sleeping with someone other than my husband. My XAP knew I was married. He knew what parts of my marriage were unhappy and what parts were happy. I knew I loved being with him, but yet had strong ties keeping me at home.

 

 

 

In my case, it's because I love my husband and children too. The AP filled the voids I thought were missing in my marriage.

 

Did I set out purposefully thinking I'm going to use this man to fill my voids? Hell, no. I was just as confused as he was about initiating the relationship. Once it starts, it is so difficult to stop it. I think the emotions (excitement, passion, etc.) are so elevated just from the relationship being an affair.

 

You shouldn't wait. You should date someone who is available. Consider your soulmate not available until she is completely divorced. Realize the two of you will more than likely not be together long term.

 

Of course it hurts you. She is more than likely hurt also. Both people are selfish. The relationship was simply not meant to be. You both played with fire (like me and my AP) and you both got burned.

 

As for her responses to you, she's scared she's going to lose you because she knows she isn't strong enough right now to leave her marriage. She may never be. The best thing you can do is walk and let the cards fall where they may. In the meantime, you should stay busy with friends, dating, etc.

 

Wow Samantha, definitely not discounting other posters, I have to say yours is quite effective as you can communicate the other side, which is so important concerning Otherman's current circumstances.

 

When first coming to LS being the OW and so very confused, angry, hurt, pissed, feeling used and abused, ect... actually hearing the truth, or at the very least close to it made all the difference and gave me a new perspective in which I could act on...

 

I was being sidestepped all the way...first telling me (in '99/00) how he despised his M...THEN after working together again(in '03) and catching me hook, line, and sinker, changes his entire tune...telling me now how much he hates D (while he's having an EA with me) and loves his W...BUT is in love with me, but will never D....

 

Sorry Samantha, didn't mean to go on such a tangent, although you help to break very criticle ground (which you can see lol) by causing me to think and Otherman to see how it really is and not how "we" want to think.

 

So simple, yet so complicated at the same time...

 

Every situation is different, yet with some of us, you can tell by our stories who is being jacked over and who isn't.

 

I am so glad your M is working, and am very grateful for you sharing your story so that all of us may learn...I also appreciate your kindness and understanding towards Othermans MW, I felt bad after what I had said to him because I know my post lacked understanding, I was just angry, you know?

 

I've got so much to learn and seem to know less the older I get....just so much anger and it is not right.

 

What you said it the truth all the way...

 

Otherman, we must accept resposibility....for you, she is M....for me he is D now, but not for me.

 

We must move on and accept things as they ARE...there is a future for us, although in my case not at all with exDM....and with you it will take time to D ect....are you willing to wait as it is a longshot....don't waste your life...I'm not.

[pureinheart]

I can relate to this post on so many levels. If you go back and read my 2007 posts you'll see what I mean.

 

MM never once promised me he was leaving his M for me which is the only difference in our stories. I have been D'd for over a year and living alone (with my kids) for almost 2 years and carried on with the A during that time. MM is now contemplating leaving while in IC. Everybody said it wouldn't happen and I still don't know the future but I'll tell ya what--I never imagined in my wildest dreams he would be in counseling over me, or telling friends about me, or his family, or obtaining a lawyer. This has blown me away.

 

It is possible. Even if it doesn't work out for us, I now have a different outlook than what has been preached over and over on this website.

 

Oh my yes WF....EVEN my situation, though it wasn't for me, exDM is exDM....I did add something decent to his life...and my God his exW has been playing this game for years now and IS NOW having a good life...maybe he was the drama, who really knows except for God...you know?

 

I really don't know, but she may be happy for the first time in her life! I mean, check this out...my bad ok...I was reading her MS page and her bf wrote all of this beautiful stuff on her page...like "she is the woman of my dreams" ect...I wrote her and told her that exDM was abusive and she did the right thing.

 

I know I spew out the anger, although I'm not the only one...and ok get it out, but at some point be done with it....really it gets old.

 

I hope all of us that are angry get done with it soon...sometimes break ups are the most freeing thing that can happen, no matter how they go, turn out, whatever. I agree completely with your reply WF

[pureinheart]

HI Samantha,

 

I agree, "slap in the face" was meant in a nice way rather than a harsh one. "Pull back into reality" is probably what I was trying to say.

 

And I agree also ... realising that the MW in my case was "happy enough" in her marriage and that I was fulfilling additional needs doesn't make her a bad person (nor me a bad person).

 

Hearing you guys say it just kinda makes it back into reality which is the best place to be.

 

We're just people after all, trying to do the best we can ... and as you say if one had met in a non affair situation it could have been a whole lot different.

 

I don't hate my xMW any more (they weren't my no 1 person for a while though !!) ... I've moved on from that now and actually I am grateful for them to revealing to myself a side of me I never knew existed.

 

I was sad for a long time that I couldn't return this gift from them by doing the same for them (healing what was wrong in their life) but it also kind of gives me a peace that they chose to stay and therefore ultimately it can't have been all bad for them.

 

I'd hate to think they were desperately unhappy on a day to day basis.

 

Chris

 

Wow Chris...Samantha had the same effect on you...what a trip dude...I too gained understanding and left a lot of anger behind due to her post.

 

 

((((((Chris...Samantha)))))

[troggleputty]

I am a person who like to talk things out sometimes, but whenever I try to tell her what's on my mind and how I feel, she says I am being mean.

 

She's obviously manipulating you. You're trying to honestly communicate, she's trying to make you feel guilty for doing so.

 

But look...after all...she's a cheater, right?

 

 

 

I am not saying anything mean.

 

Well, even if you were being mean...so what? Nothing you could possibly say to her could be as "mean" as what she is doing to her spouse by cheating with you. "Mean" doesn't bother your AP at all. She's emotionally manipulating you for her own purposes.

 

 

True I might ask a question that could yeild a hurtful answer, but it's not hurtful to her it's hurtful to me. Most of the time if I complain it's about how she hasn't left yet, and how I feel jealous your with him. She pushes away when I talk about these things. I try not to let it get to me, but it does.

 

Clearly your function in her life is as the "boytoy." And probably nothing more.

 

 

I know it's not all about me, and I am sure the affiar is hard on her, but it's coming up on a year in a few short months and she is still there. I love her too much to walk away.

 

If you really loved her you WOULD walk away. This is the only thing that will teach her she shouldn't play with people's emotions the way she is doing. You don't walk away from her because you lack self-respect.

 

 

I sometimes wonder would she even come after me if I did walk away. I guess more or less I am raning, but feel free to respond. I know some might say I am being a panzy, but eh I can't help it. Why is she still with me if she doesn't love me?

 

She's still with you because you serve a function in the drama of her life, but you are simply a member of her "supporting cast." She's the star of the drama.

 

 

I don't feel like she is a cake eater. MARRIED WOMEN: If your marriage is so bad and you love your OM so much, why can't you just walk away from the marriage? I am sure there are 100 reasons not to, but I am also sure there are 100 reasons you should leave. How long must I wait for who I feel is my soulmate to come to me?

 

 

You believe your soulmate is a dishonest cheater? Why is that?

 

This is very simple my friend. Look in the mirror, ask yourself if you have personal integrity. If you do, then act accordingly.

 

 

It makes me feel guilty when I tell her "Hey, I am hurting because you are doing this,..." and she responds with "stop being mean" or "your hurting me"...when ever she has said very hurtful things to me in the past I never hold onto it, some people do I guess.

 

Anyways, just ranting, but reply if you like.

 

You need to terminate this relationship immediately and find someone who is capable of actually loving you rather than simply using you.