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I'm so annoyed with myself right now. I had kept NC until xMM contacted me recently to say that his wife had found out about our affair. Thing is, he told me his marriage was definitely over now as it was his second strike during their marriage and this time during her pregnancy. I told him I didn't want to get sucked back in as he would only hurt me again and I thought he would need to try and work it out, as best he could, with his wife. But, he persisted, said he wanted to be with me more than anything, etc. So... here I am. He's 'gone dark' again with communication, which was always the sign for his flip-flopping. I can't take the heartache he brings me. I think that even if it does end up with him splitting with his wife, I'll be dragged through it with him and I honestly don't think we'd survive that. I know what I need to do... I guess... I'm just venting. If I'm completely honest though, I still want to be with him, and it's this that prevents me just saying 'Enough! Again. Argh!

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I'm so annoyed with myself right now. I had kept NC until xMM contacted me recently to say that his wife had found out about our affair. Thing is, he told me his marriage was definitely over now as it was his second strike during their marriage and this time during her pregnancy. I told him I didn't want to get sucked back in as he would only hurt me again and I thought he would need to try and work it out, as best he could, with his wife. But, he persisted, said he wanted to be with me more than anything, etc. So... here I am. He's 'gone dark' again with communication, which was always the sign for his flip-flopping. I can't take the heartache he brings me. I think that even if it does end up with him splitting with his wife, I'll be dragged through it with him and I honestly don't think we'd survive that. I know what I need to do... I guess... I'm just venting. If I'm completely honest though, I still want to be with him, and it's this that prevents me just saying 'Enough! Again. Argh!

 

I am sorry that you are struggling, and I am sorry that he is hurting you by pulling you back in to a relationship that you do not really want since you want him single... not as an affair partner.

 

By going "dark" does that mean he has again stopped contact with you?

 

And is his wife pregnant right now?

 

How did the D-day happen if you and he were NC?

 

((hugs to you Hazy))

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You've got some indicators that he's a flip flopper. I can promise you that if he is it is going to be horrible for you. I know you've read my threads and I'm afraid you may end up with similar results. If I could go back and do it over, I wouldn't. I would've stuck to my guns about leaving him before he left her.

 

If the impetus behind him calling you now was that the W is done with him, that would forever cause me some doubt about it's sincerity. Further, what happens when she changes her mind? (BS do seem to have a back and forth process of their own after D-Day). He'll likely throw you under the bus, again.

 

IMHO, whatever this man has to offer you isn't going to be nearly enough to make what he'll put you through worth it.

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I'm so annoyed with myself right now. I had kept NC until xMM contacted me recently to say that his wife had found out about our affair. Thing is, he told me his marriage was definitely over now as it was his second strike during their marriage and this time during her pregnancy. I told him I didn't want to get sucked back in as he would only hurt me again and I thought he would need to try and work it out, as best he could, with his wife. But, he persisted, said he wanted to be with me more than anything, etc. So... here I am. He's 'gone dark' again with communication, which was always the sign for his flip-flopping. I can't take the heartache he brings me. I think that even if it does end up with him splitting with his wife, I'll be dragged through it with him and I honestly don't think we'd survive that. I know what I need to do... I guess... I'm just venting. If I'm completely honest though, I still want to be with him, and it's this that prevents me just saying 'Enough! Again. Argh!

 

Something I probably will never have to worry about is the decision to remain in his life or give him the space he needs when/if he leaves...in my case it won't happen.

 

I read what you're writing...what willow is writing...the opinions from others here. The experience of OW who have been through it is to give them room to repair and heal, but every instinct in you would be to hold onto what you've waited for for so very long. I can imagine you'd feel as though the second you let them go they'll disappear forever...and I can see the wisdom of them staying the course on helping themselves.

 

My MM and I are going to be meeting next week about 2 months after our second DDay. He was in contact in a couple of weeks and it's been building to this...in the time we've been building he's told me that he doesn't think W will ever forgive him if he's caught with me again so it naturally led to a conversation about what would happen if that were the case. He actually said he'd go off on his own for a bit and do some serious soul searching...he told me point blank if it came to pass and he walked out one door and into another it wouldn't be good for either of us. As much as I hated to admit it, I had to agree. I know this won't happen so it's moot in my case, but I can see the struggle for holding on for dear life and for giving space.

 

I think I'd be one to hold on for dear life...I think it would be a mistake, but I think that's what I'd do. Hazy...you may want to talk to someone about this. Speak to someone who can put his situation in perspective for you. Next thing...tell him he can't 'go dark'...if he's out, he's out and he's accessible...he has no reason for not contacting you.

 

Take care of yourself...try and not let the emotions ruin what you want most.

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I am sorry that you are struggling, and I am sorry that he is hurting you by pulling you back in to a relationship that you do not really want since you want him single... not as an affair partner.

 

By going "dark" does that mean he has again stopped contact with you?

 

And is his wife pregnant right now?

 

How did the D-day happen if you and he were NC?

 

((hugs to you Hazy))

 

He has stopped contact with me. I will not reach for him though as if he wanted to contact me he would. I don't want him as an affair partner and have said as much to him; what's more he has said the same to me. His wife had the baby last year. He has told me he's so scared that she will prevent him access to him, even though he knows she can't by law. He tells me everything he does is for his son, but it can't be the only reason he's still there.

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You've got some indicators that he's a flip flopper. I can promise you that if he is it is going to be horrible for you. I know you've read my threads and I'm afraid you may end up with similar results. If I could go back and do it over, I wouldn't. I would've stuck to my guns about leaving him before he left her.

 

If the impetus behind him calling you now was that the W is done with him, that would forever cause me some doubt about it's sincerity. Further, what happens when she changes her mind? (BS do seem to have a back and forth process of their own after D-Day). He'll likely throw you under the bus, again.

 

IMHO, whatever this man has to offer you isn't going to be nearly enough to make what he'll put you through worth it.

 

I hear you BL, and that is my greatest fear - not that he will turn around now and tell me he has to work it out (I would respect that and back off again) but that he'll drag me through similar to what you went through. Thank you so much for your advice - I want to take it, I do. And I hope that I will... but I'm so torn right now and I do think 'What if I'm walking away from something that could be amazing?'

 

I did think that perhaps because it's his second offense that if his wife was done, she would be well and truly so. But who knows the lengths that people will forgive - or try to.

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Something I probably will never have to worry about is the decision to remain in his life or give him the space he needs when/if he leaves...in my case it won't happen.

 

I read what you're writing...what willow is writing...the opinions from others here. The experience of OW who have been through it is to give them room to repair and heal, but every instinct in you would be to hold onto what you've waited for for so very long. I can imagine you'd feel as though the second you let them go they'll disappear forever...and I can see the wisdom of them staying the course on helping themselves.

 

My MM and I are going to be meeting next week about 2 months after our second DDay. He was in contact in a couple of weeks and it's been building to this...in the time we've been building he's told me that he doesn't think W will ever forgive him if he's caught with me again so it naturally led to a conversation about what would happen if that were the case. He actually said he'd go off on his own for a bit and do some serious soul searching...he told me point blank if it came to pass and he walked out one door and into another it wouldn't be good for either of us. As much as I hated to admit it, I had to agree. I know this won't happen so it's moot in my case, but I can see the struggle for holding on for dear life and for giving space.

 

I think I'd be one to hold on for dear life...I think it would be a mistake, but I think that's what I'd do. Hazy...you may want to talk to someone about this. Speak to someone who can put his situation in perspective for you. Next thing...tell him he can't 'go dark'...if he's out, he's out and he's accessible...he has no reason for not contacting you.

 

Take care of yourself...try and not let the emotions ruin what you want most.

 

So much of what you say is similar to how I feel and what is going on with us. He has not really tried to maintain NC, even though I did. I have asked him what would happen if she found out that he was continuing to contact me (he has told her it finished late last year) and he told me that he wanted to be with me above everything. I just don't know if I can completely believe this given what we've been through so far. I do need to talk to someone; I have spilled far more than ever to my friends and they've been so supportive but maybe I should get my arse on back to IC. I get what you mean about space though - my head tells me that's what I should do, but it's so hard when you fear losing them because of it.

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So much of what you say is similar to how I feel and what is going on with us. He has not really tried to maintain NC, even though I did. I have asked him what would happen if she found out that he was continuing to contact me (he has told her it finished late last year) and he told me that he wanted to be with me above everything. I just don't know if I can completely believe this given what we've been through so far. I do need to talk to someone; I have spilled far more than ever to my friends and they've been so supportive but maybe I should get my arse on back to IC. I get what you mean about space though - my head tells me that's what I should do, but it's so hard when you fear losing them because of it.

 

In one way, shape, or form an OW always has to step back...the time when she finally feels like she shouldn't have to is probably the time when she should the most. I don't believe I could be that strong if the situation arose. I feel for you...sadly, I don't know as there's a right or wrong...you have to do what you think is right. I would push him on the issue of being able to contact him as and when if it's well and truly over. It's a small step of him learning how your situation in the R has changed. I'm not talking about him gushing to you with his W in the room or blatantly texting, but you should be able to ring and leave a vmail...he should start getting used to you having access to his life.

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In one way, shape, or form an OW always has to step back...the time when she finally feels like she shouldn't have to is probably the time when she should the most. I don't believe I could be that strong if the situation arose. I feel for you...sadly, I don't know as there's a right or wrong...you have to do what you think is right. I would push him on the issue of being able to contact him as and when if it's well and truly over. It's a small step of him learning how your situation in the R has changed. I'm not talking about him gushing to you with his W in the room or blatantly texting, but you should be able to ring and leave a vmail...he should start getting used to you having access to his life.

 

Thanks Mizfit. I hadn't even thought to push him on the idea of being to contact him, but you're right, if it makes me unhappy that I can't when he decides so, then I can't accept that. I need to put me first and that's hard when I know to do so means to back off. That would also be best for him too, as he wouldn't have the stress that he 'should' contact me (if that's how he feels) but also he would be able to think more clearly about what he really wants.

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Thing is, he told me his marriage was definitely over now as it was his second strike during their marriage and this time during her pregnancy

The thing is, it seems he doesn't want to be alone - He put feelers out there to see if you'd be there (IF) his marriage truly is over. Why else would he call and let you know what was going on in his life? Did he even ask how you were? Ask about anything going on in your life? Or was it 'all about him' once again?

 

Why wouldn't he just do what he needs to do, sort his life out, THEN call you once he was free and single? Divorced? No, instead he calls you - Probably getting your hopes up (abit?), yet it still comes down to everything can change, he may stay with his wife afterall.

 

Don't go back, don't be the OW. Stay strong and focus on you and your life.

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Hazy,

 

((hug))

 

Please, please please don't let him suck you in again.

 

Stand firm in your resolve to NEVER going back to being the OW again. You KNOW you deserve so much more. You respect yourself too much to be the mistress. You deserve the whole man, not just some of it.

 

And he doesn't deserve you. WHY would he put you - someone he claims to love - through this? This isn't love. This isn't respect.

 

Let me "go dark". Heck, turn the lights out so he can't find you :)

 

He needs to work on himself way too much right now. And you are dead right -- you do NOT need the drama of his marriage. If he loved you, he wouldn't put you through this. He also wouldn't 'go dark' on you. How immature.

 

Hang in there. Remember, you are worth way more than he is showing you. You are a awesome woman and this game of his is old and immature.

 

Stay strong my friend!!

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I'm so annoyed with myself right now. I had kept NC until xMM contacted me recently to say that his wife had found out about our affair. Thing is, he told me his marriage was definitely over now as it was his second strike during their marriage and this time during her pregnancy. I told him I didn't want to get sucked back in as he would only hurt me again and I thought he would need to try and work it out, as best he could, with his wife. But, he persisted, said he wanted to be with me more than anything, etc. So... here I am. He's 'gone dark' again with communication, which was always the sign for his flip-flopping. I can't take the heartache he brings me. I think that even if it does end up with him splitting with his wife, I'll be dragged through it with him and I honestly don't think we'd survive that. I know what I need to do... I guess... I'm just venting. If I'm completely honest though, I still want to be with him, and it's this that prevents me just saying 'Enough! Again. Argh!

 

I hear ya girl!!! There is a part of us that "hopes" things will be different...for me I need to wrap my brain tightly around that fact that unless there is major complete divine intervention (my belief system)...nothing will change.

 

I can't do life on his terms anymore and he is all about him.....

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The thing is, it seems he doesn't want to be alone - He put feelers out there to see if you'd be there (IF) his marriage truly is over. Why else would he call and let you know what was going on in his life? Did he even ask how you were? Ask about anything going on in your life? Or was it 'all about him' once again?

 

Why wouldn't he just do what he needs to do, sort his life out, THEN call you once he was free and single? Divorced? No, instead he calls you - Probably getting your hopes up (abit?), yet it still comes down to everything can change, he may stay with his wife afterall.

 

Don't go back, don't be the OW. Stay strong and focus on you and your life.

 

It was mostly 'all about him', yes. You're right WWIP, he did get my hopes up and I hate that because I thought I was making progress but it took so little from him to pull me back down. I actually can't be the OW, and if he's honest, which I think he's starting to be, he can't be the MM in an affair either - it's made both of us ill.

 

Hazy,

 

((hug))

 

Please, please please don't let him suck you in again.

 

Stand firm in your resolve to NEVER going back to being the OW again. You KNOW you deserve so much more. You respect yourself too much to be the mistress. You deserve the whole man, not just some of it.

 

And he doesn't deserve you. WHY would he put you - someone he claims to love - through this? This isn't love. This isn't respect.

 

Let me "go dark". Heck, turn the lights out so he can't find you :)

 

He needs to work on himself way too much right now. And you are dead right -- you do NOT need the drama of his marriage. If he loved you, he wouldn't put you through this. He also wouldn't 'go dark' on you. How immature.

 

Hang in there. Remember, you are worth way more than he is showing you. You are a awesome woman and this game of his is old and immature.

 

Stay strong my friend!!

 

Thank you FO. I'm trying to hang in. I'm not going back to the affair anyway even if I did succumb on the contact. God, just the thought of doing so and being in that place again is enough to bring back the tears. Thank you for lifting me up.

 

I hear ya girl!!! There is a part of us that "hopes" things will be different...for me I need to wrap my brain tightly around that fact that unless there is major complete divine intervention (my belief system)...nothing will change.

 

I can't do life on his terms anymore and he is all about him.....

 

Another so right. Nothing I can do so I need to stay away from it regardless of that little hope, which I really need to shake, or rather, I need it to not be a hope anymore. I don't want to hope for him because he brings me pain and even though he doesn't intend to he brings me down.

 

I thought with this contact I would get sucked in. Hell, I even wanted to! But I can't - I simply don't have it in me. I don't know how women stay in that situation for so long, I really don't. It would break me once and for all.

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:)

 

Hello Hazy ~~ How are you doing today my friend?

 

I want you to know I admire your honesty in posting that you were faltering, and I know you will get through it.

 

Keep remembering the hurt and sadness you felt and it will keep you from NEVER allowing yourself to be disrespected again! I know you deserve better; I just need to remind you that you deserve better ;)

 

Big hugs to you!

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Getting_stronger

I feel for you Hazy. I am in a very similar situation (I vented in another thread and still waiting on some words of wisdom:).

 

My xMM also has that 'dark' thing happening with his communication. I can tell when his life is happier cause I saw/heard from him less. I ended it today and its breaking my bloody heart. I vascillate between 'fXX him once and for all' to 'omg what have I done'. He definately couldnt have loved me though- despite al the wonderful things he has said and done over the past year. Today he wouldnt even meet or call to say goodbye. It was all via text until I basically begged to call him. God Im ashamed of myself. How am I going to get through this.

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:)

 

Hello Hazy ~~ How are you doing today my friend?

 

I want you to know I admire your honesty in posting that you were faltering, and I know you will get through it.

 

Keep remembering the hurt and sadness you felt and it will keep you from NEVER allowing yourself to be disrespected again! I know you deserve better; I just need to remind you that you deserve better ;)

 

Big hugs to you!

 

Hello FO,

 

Thank you for your lifting post. Again. :) I am a bit low today, but that's because, as I've just said in BB's thread, I bid him farewell and best wishes. I didn't get pulled back in because I don't have the strength to go through that and he doesn't have the strength to help me. His life is in tatters and he needs to fix it without having me around. Likewise, I need to live for myself again, which I'd started doing and now need to get back to.

 

Thanks for the hugs! I'll get there.

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I feel for you Hazy. I am in a very similar situation (I vented in another thread and still waiting on some words of wisdom:).

 

My xMM also has that 'dark' thing happening with his communication. I can tell when his life is happier cause I saw/heard from him less. I ended it today and its breaking my bloody heart. I vascillate between 'fXX him once and for all' to 'omg what have I done'. He definately couldnt have loved me though- despite al the wonderful things he has said and done over the past year. Today he wouldnt even meet or call to say goodbye. It was all via text until I basically begged to call him. God Im ashamed of myself. How am I going to get through this.

 

I know that feeling GS, that you think you've blown it when really you were just sticking up for yourself. I'll post in your thread on that more, but it's natural, I think, when you care for someone. Don't feel ashamed, hon, chalk it up to a learning experience and move forward. Shame will pull you down. I'll go post in yours...

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