Observation about Married OWs

[threebyfate]

Maybe one you OWs can answer this question. Why do many married OWs refer to themselves as OWs? Why not refer to yourself as a wayward spouse, like most men do?

[wheelwright]

It depends on your focus.

 

If I am thinking about my H, then I am a fWS. If I am thinking about my xMOM, then I am xMOW.

 

If you notice more of the latter, it might just mean that's more often the focus of the post. I guess the focus before DDay and attempts to reconcile will pretty much always be the AP. Unless the AP is thinking about going back to the M.

[ladydesigner]

I am a MOW/WS. The reason why I keep referrring to myself as the MOW is because my XOM had a long-term girlfriend, which made me the OW but I am married too. It is quite confusing:laugh:

[whichwayisup]

Why not just say a MW who is seeing a MM. OW/OM represents someone who is single.

[Confused4Now]

I was a MM seeing a MW and then got a divorce..I guess I'm a OM now and she still is a MW.

[moaningmyrtle]

Maybe one you OWs can answer this question. Why do many married OWs refer to themselves as OWs? Why not refer to yourself as a wayward spouse, like most men do?

 

I'm not, never have been and never will (knowingly) be an OW.

 

From the perspective of a BW though, they are all OW to me whether married or not. Like you I wonder why so many would give themselves a label that is really relevant only to the married man they are having the A with or his wife.

 

In fairness, maybe it's the name of this forum that influences them; and some people hold more than one position in the triangle (often 2 or more intersecting triangles it seems).

[Holding-On]

There could be many answers for that.

 

In my case I am married.

I am also not monogamous (although they usually do, marriage and monogamy do not have to go together)

So my husband knew everything at the time it was happening and as it was happening and was not cheated on.

 

The MM I was hoping to have a serious sexual relationship with prolonged telling his wife while upping the emotional fuel/sexual tension. In relation to his closed, monogamous marriage, I was the OW. I was never a WS.

 

but I am still, and was, married.

 

Hope that helps.

[Ms. Red]

I refer to my husbands girlfriend as "his married woman". I have never called her the OW. To call her that implies that I care, which I don't.

 

I do care that she moved out of her marital home leaving her children behind so that she could have a relationship with my husband. That disgusting behavior is something I have not been able to put a name on that can be stated here.

[OWoman]

Maybe one you OWs can answer this question. Why do many married OWs refer to themselves as OWs? Why not refer to yourself as a wayward spouse, like most men do?

 

I can imagine many different answers to this.

 

* In choosing to define themselves, they've chosen as their "primary" R the one that is most vivid to them at the moment - the MM, rather than the H. Hence, relative to the MM, they are the OW.

 

* If they are posting a concern about the M, they're more likely to identify as a WS; but if they are posting about the A, they are more likely to identify as an OW.

 

* There is a question of agency. A WS is an active party who can act to wreck - or save - the M by whether or not they choose to end the A and try to reconcile the M. The OW, OTOH, is seen as a more constrained being, waiting passively while her MM decides what action he's going to take on his M. So, in defining themselves as WS they'd be putting the onus on themselves to take the "right" action to resolve their impasse; but by defining themselves as OW they are putting the onus for action on the MM, and rendering themselves passive, denying their agency and positioning themselves as somehow not the big evil one with all the power.

 

Those are just guesses. I've not been a WS so I might be completely wrong.

[NoIDidn't]

Of course, to the BW, it really doesn't matter what her marital status is, because she will be referred to as the Other "whatever-they-wish-to-call-her-here" anyway.

 

Regardless though, it seems that MW like single OW are both waiting on the MM, which takes away whatever "agency" they might be said to have. They are taking a passive position, not one of power.

[Brokenlady]

I think there's a variety of reasons, but the easiest is that one is likely to get more sympathy as an OW (passive cheater) than as a WS (active cheater). Further, I think that their M's are in such bad shape that their angst is really much more over the MM than their H's - so for the purposes of their post they are more in the OW role.

 

And lastly it's a shorter way to explain a situation, "MOW" as opposed to "MW" or "WS" indicates that the man in question is also M, not a single OM.

 

(As an aside, during my conversation with the xW, we talked jovially about the names we used for each other. I was most commonly called "b*tchface and wh*re" and when I was particularly upset I'd refer to her a "psychob*tch". It was kind of amusing. Was this man really worth getting down into the gutter for? No!)

Edited February 19, 2010 by Brokenlady

[OWoman]

(As an aside, during my conversation with the xW, we talked jovially about the names we used for each other. I was most commonly called "b*tchface and wh*re"

 

You joked with a woman who called you that?!? I'd have introduced her to legislation on crimen injuria...

[Brokenlady]

You joked with a woman who called you that?!? I'd have introduced her to legislation on crimen injuria...

 

During that conversation we discovered a common bond - a common problem - xDM. Before then she had done much worse to me; and the names she called me she used when referring to me in talking with her kids and xDM. In the end though, it's just sticks and stones. Whatever helps her heal, I guess. I don't have to hear it, so I don't really care.

[anne1707]

I think there's a variety of reasons, but the easiest is that one is likely to get more sympathy as an OW (passive cheater) than as a WS (active cheater).

 

I think this is the case in some circumstances - almost as if the affair happened to them thus reducing their responsibility. I have seen this happen where the MM is accused of doing all kinds of things to their wife after Dday whilst the OW/WS is totally disregarding that they have done exacty the same to their husband.

 

I also think some women may prefer to decsribe themselves as an OW as it maybe romanticises and glamorises their situation.

[lkjh]

Same reason why they post in the OW/OM forum instead of infidelity......because they are more focused on the MM then their family

[anne1707]

Same reason why they post in the OW/OM forum instead of infidelity......because they are more focused on the MM then their family

 

 

Especially if after Dday - it shows whether the MOW wants to prioritise and save the affair over the marriage.

[moaningmyrtle]

You joked with a woman who called you that?!? I'd have introduced her to legislation on crimen injuria...

 

OWoman - is there really legislation (criminal legislation what's more?) that deals with 2 women calling each other names in a private conversation (I'm assuming no other threats and no public spat). I'd be really interested to know which statute that is and which jurisdiction? Please.

[threebyfate]

Thanks for your input, everyone. I just couldn't figure out why the difference in terminology, since it's all the same thing.

[anne1707]

How about hearing the OP's opinion?

[White Flower]

Maybe one you OWs can answer this question. Why do many married OWs refer to themselves as OWs? Why not refer to yourself as a wayward spouse, like most men do?

It's a fair question. I did post in the beginning that I was the MOW but I felt uncomfortable with that title because my M was basically over even though H was still in the house (in a separate room) and I noticed so many other MOWs not using the title either, perhaps for similar reasons. Or maybe LKJH is correct to a degree, many MOWs are more focused on their MM than their kids and family (even if just during the posting), I don't know.

 

But OW seems for the most part to be the best title because the dilemma is the R with a MM. In his eyes, we are just OW. He doesn't care if we're M or not; just that we're his.