Married man has feelings for me!!!!

[Patient]

hey guys,

 

I was glad to see this forum as I really need some advice. I met this guy about a month ago..he was everything I ever wanted in a man...smart, funny, attractive, respectful and just a all around good guy...until he told me he was married.I never caught on to it because he always took me out and we talked on the phone everyday all day... At that point we had been talking about a month or so and it broke my heart so bad I cried. he kept apologizing for not telling me and we talked for almost 5 hours about the situation.He doesnt talk about his marriage situation all he says is that hes not happy with his living situation and that people change.He says he told me because he didnt want me to get too attached and didnt wanna lie or hurt me anymore but he also says he wants to keep it going with me because he likes me and likes alot about me. During my hurting period I told him to leave me alone and that we couldnt continue...he called and txtd me the next day after that so I know he has feelings.. He wants us to sleep together,hang out occassionally, and talk to eachother on a regular basis and basically be support systems for eachother..as that was what we were doing before I found this out..he never tried to sleep with me we havent slept together yet and he was always so patient and never pressured me to do it.. I dont know what to do because I have so many emotions towards him and I feel for him and vice versa..what should I do?? I dont wanna let him go...

[whichwayisup]

LET HIM GO. For a month or so he led you to believe he wasn't married. Then boom! He tells you he IS married.

 

DO not pursue this. If you do, you will get more hurt than you are now.

 

It's been less than 2 months, so you can and should get over him quickly... Find a single guy who is available to love you, spend time with you.. Not some selfish a-hole MM who wants to bang you, keep you as the OW and then go home to his wife.

 

Let him go.

 

Read threads in this section. Read threads in the infidelity section.. this way you see all sides of what will happen if you CHOOSE (and it IS an active choice to now knowingly get involved with a married man, since you know the truth of his status) to have an affair with him.

 

Also, ask yourself this.. "Why am I lowering my standards, letting my feelings rule and take over when I know this guy is married? Why would I involve myself in a love triangle? Why would I intentionally help this guy cheat and betray his wife? Why am I so weak that I am still considering going for it, even though I know this guy is a liar, and selfish?"

 

You don't have to answer by posting your answers..just think about what YOU are doing and WHY.

[Brokenlady]

hey guys,

 

I was glad to see this forum as I really need some advice. I met this guy about a month ago..

 

RUN! If I could go back and talk to myself when I was only a month in, I would give myself that advice. Spend some time reading here - the path you are considering is most likely only going to end in heartbreak for you.

 

What he's telling you right now is classic MM handbook stuff: "I'm so unhappy at home, but I can't leave because of the kids/money/wife is fragile/other lame excuse".

 

Do you realize what he's asking you to do? He wants you to be his side dish, and I will guarantee you he's still having sex with his W (read threads in the infidelity forum if you doubt it). How little respect must he have for you to ask you to be a secret he will never publicly acknowledge, a sexual supplement he'll disown and talk trash on the second his W finds out? If you agree to this now, you're basically telling him it's ok to treat you like that. And I'm willing to bet that in a few months, you won't like it one bit.

 

Don't do this to yourself. If he likes you taht much and his marriage is truly that miserable, you can be together when they split. Until then, stay very very far away from this.

[skywriter]

Hi Patient,

 

You've only known this guy a month.

 

I say, if you continue to be patient and don't rush to get physical with this guy, you'll learn what motivates this MM to be so friendly with you.

 

Don't be so quick to give in, don't let him think you're gullible to everything he portrays himself to be, "the everything you've ever wanted in a guy".

If he is, then he's evereything and he comes with a W. So much for your "dream guy", eh?

 

Please slow down, once you're involved physically, the roller coaster ride begins, heartache and disappointments in him, and yourself comes next.

 

Save yourself all that. Tell him, when and if he becomes single and available to look you up.

 

Oh and I've heard, "Hell hath no furry, like a woman scorned".

 

The W, may be dangerous! Yikes!

[Jeff1962]

This man should not have lied to you in the first place. I understand him being lonely but he led you on with deciet. The choice is yours to make. If you stay with him you will get exactly what is headed your way, grief. If you leave him then you will get exactly what you deserve, to be respected.

 

Good luck to you.

[BB07]

Ditto on what everyone else said.....please don't do this. Don't fool yourself into thinking he is different or special, he is NOT. Don't forget that he started out with you by lying to you about a very important part in his life.

 

Run, don't walk away.

[2sure]

He set you up. This is EXACTLY how it is often done.

If he were not setting you up he would have told you right away he is married.

Period.

[quankanne]

honey, there are so many red flags in your post that all instincts should be screaming at you to RUN!!!!

 

* "he says he didn't want me to get too attached … but he also says he wants to keep it going with me because he likes me" ahhh – he's baiting the hook by showing false remorse ...

 

• "During my hurting period I told him to leave me alone and that we couldn't continue ... he called and texted me the next day after that so I know he has feelings" sure he has feelings – he just doesn't respect YOUR needs

 

• "He wants us to sleep together,hang out occasionally, and talk to each other on a regular basis and basically be support systems for each other." and the truth comes out: He just wants you on the sidelines as a random lay, to be used at his whim.

 

he has no intention to leave his wife – if that were the case, he'd already started the process AND not bother playing games with you because he's still legally and morally obligated to the woman he's married to.

 

this guy is a cake-eater, and will tell you anything to get into your pants. And silly you ... you actually believe this man is worthy of your time when he's not been honest with you, he's got no respect for you and basically wants to make you his secret whore.

 

you deserve much better than what that fool can give you, kiddo. MUCH better ...

[wheelwright]

He set you up. This is EXACTLY how it is often done.

If he were not setting you up he would have told you right away he is married.

Period.

 

 

I totally second this.

 

Keep away from this man. It will get worse and worse for you. You really like him now. Imagine how bad you will feel if you fall in love with him and he still stays with his W - clearly what he is planning to do.

 

Walk away now while you can. In one piece. With peace of mind.

 

If you know your feelings for him will always be romantic, then it will have to be NC. If it is lighter and you can be friends, then see him occasionally, and make sure his W knows of the friendship. If secret, it's still an A.

 

Read all those stories of heartbreak on this forum.

 

He is either nasty (set you up option) or he is very lost (I have felt lost like this myself, and thought an A was the solution - it wasn't). Either way he's not your dream man.

 

Imagine what he might be thinking. He thinks it's harmless because you both benefit. He's lulled himself into thinking along these lines. But will you really benefit? Ask him what he thinks you will get out of it. Ask yourself.

 

If you like him, imagine how he will feel if he one day has to face his W and family with the A. He will feel awful.

 

Imagine your poor heart if he one day throws you under the bus.

 

Keep looking for the right guy - the unmarried one.

[moaningmyrtle]

I'm a BW so any advice I give you might be discounted.

 

I do notice though that most if not all who've posted so far are OW - they are or have been in your shoes and clearly they don't like it. Some I think may even be in the position where the MM eventually left his wife - still they obviously can't recommend it.

 

There are some OW though (Jennie springs to mind) who might give you a different perspective. My interpretation is that there are some OW who are reasonably content to remain as such - forever a secret, living in hope that one day the guy might leave his wife. As I understand, it can go on for years.

 

My H's long term affair started in early 2002, went strongly for 3.5 years and then was on and off (mainly off) until late 2008 when I found out (at which point she was then unceremoniously/callously dumped by Mr Nice Guy - my H). Is this the sort of thing you are after? If so go for it.

 

Why am I still with him you may well ask? It's because, to use your words:

 

"he was everything I ever wanted in a man...smart, funny, attractive, respectful and just a all around good guy...and he is married - to me"

 

I am being blunt because I think this is what you need right now.

Edited February 18, 2010 by moaningmyrtle

[willowfields]

my take on this is a bit different then other peoples. if you can keep the relationship light and fun, go for it, if you can't, then be sure to keep yourself guarded. as far as promises and expectations, don't make any.

[bentnotbroken]

my take on this is a bit different then other peoples. if you can keep the relationship light and fun, go for it, if you can't, then be sure to keep yourself guarded. as far as promises and expectations, don't make any.

 

 

HMMM light and fun while becoming part of the chaos that lying creates. Nice.

[bittersweet memories]

my take on this is a bit different then other peoples. if you can keep the relationship light and fun, go for it, if you can't, then be sure to keep yourself guarded. as far as promises and expectations, don't make any.

 

 

Light and fun huh? Willowfields, is this possible from your personnal experience?

[willowfields]

it depends on how you look at it. for over 2 years i managed to keep my affair light and fun. we enjoyed each other. now things are very different, but even now i have no regrets and love him dearly. life right now has taken a turn on him which is going to create a new and different beginning for him. i have plans to be there for him every step of the way. 6 months ago i could not keep my affair light, so i took the step to only have one man in my life. it depends on where your head and heart is at on how you handle an affair. my choice was to be with one man only.

[BB07]

Willowfields said light and fun uh! Most people aren't capable of keeping it on that level and you know that right?

 

Most of the time the heart is stronger than the mind, once certain lines are crossed. Then there is no going back, so my opinion is why chance it? Get out while it's easier and lots less painful.

[fooled once]

PLEASE listen to almost everyone on here -- do NOT continue this charade.

 

You are already having feelings and he is MARRIED. He isn't leaving.

 

Unless you are happy with being the mistress, the OW, the 'secret' - go ahead. But seeing as you dont' seem to be able to do that - STOP it now.

 

Sleeping with him will only intensify your feelings and hurt you even more when he dumps you.

 

If he is so unhappy, he can get this thing called a DIVORCE. But since he isn't unhappy enough to do that -- then what good is continuining?

 

Why put your life on hold for a man committed to someone else? Sure others do it, but look at them - they aren't that happy. They don't have someone to spend the holidays with them, to come home to each night, to have to themselves.

 

They 'share' this man. This man has a wife, possibly a family. He goes home to his wife. He sleeps with his wife. He plans daily things with his wife. He plans the future with his wife. Their home is filled with memories and items from the life they share. He is using you for amusement and an ego boost.

[Mino]

Did I read that right " during your hurting period" and this is a one month A? Geee girl, You dont know what pain is, stick around a year or two... you wont know what hit you. and you will need another couple years to get your self back? really want to invest those years and your heart? Go for it !!

[Mino]

Hey I got an idea, tell him you want to talk to his wife, and if she gives her blessings then you will continue to see him, then watch him stutter !!lol:laugh:

[bentnotbroken]

Hey I got an idea, tell him you want to talk to his wife, and if she gives her blessings then you will continue to see him, then watch him stutter !!lol:laugh:

 

 

Stutter my behind. What him crap a brick. :lmao:

[Mino]

Stutter my behind. What him crap a brick. :lmao:

:lmao::lmao:Aww Bent, I just love your humor!!

[Tashcw]

Hi Patient,

 

I'd like to add another viewpoint on here. I started out as you were, I was in a miserable relationship myself and my self esteem was very, very low. MM convinced me that we were helping each other as we were both giving each other confidence. I split with my fiance after 4 months, naively hoping that MM would follow. He didn't for another 8 months, and that was only because his W found out.

 

Those 8 months were horrible. The worst of my life until then. Unless you are extremely independent, you will get more and more sucked in. I started hating weekends, knowing that he was with his wife and children and I couldn't contact him. I assumed that he was thinking of me constantly, and was miserable, but have since learned that men have a greater ability to bury their heads in the sand and block things out. So whilst I was miserably sat at home, he was out shopping for furniture, taking her out to dinner, going on holidays etc.

 

So, then what I hoped would happen, happened. She found out, he left, we started a proper, normal relationship. Arranged holidays, he met my family, I met his friends etc etc. But it is HARD. SO hard. Still that feeling of second best, having to be understanding because he doesn't want to hurt his xW anymore than he has done etc, meeting friends who have known them as a couple for so long, hearing stories about them as a couple, basically living in a shadow of a life he's already created.

 

And now he's asked for a separation as he's not sure what he wants, after 20 months of us starting together. I am absolutely heartbroken and utterly exhausted. The happy parts of being with him have been completely outweighed by the constant battle to keep the relationship alive. My biggest mistake was believing that he was behind it too and we could make it together. I should have known he was never 100% on my side.

 

Anyway, after all this warbling, my theory is, even if he does eventually leave her, unless he is 100% behind YOU in the beginning, willing to leave his W immediately as he can't believe he's found you, the love of his life, it will NOT get better. There will be constant struggle and heartache. If he really wants to be with you and is unhappy in his marriage, give him a deadline and say you will wait until then with open arms, but at a distance so he can properly close his old relationship and be ready to move on.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, and it is SO hard to do (I am currently in NC and feel like my world is caving in), but if I can prevent anyone getting into the situation I'm in, I will.

 

Take care and look after yourself. You deserve better, you really do!!

 

xxxxx

[califnan]

Hi Patient,

 

I'd like to add another viewpoint on here. I started out as you were, I was in a miserable relationship myself and my self esteem was very, very low. MM convinced me that we were helping each other as we were both giving each other confidence. I split with my fiance after 4 months, naively hoping that MM would follow. He didn't for another 8 months, and that was only because his W found out.

 

Those 8 months were horrible. The worst of my life until then. Unless you are extremely independent, you will get more and more sucked in. I started hating weekends, knowing that he was with his wife and children and I couldn't contact him. I assumed that he was thinking of me constantly, and was miserable, but have since learned that men have a greater ability to bury their heads in the sand and block things out. So whilst I was miserably sat at home, he was out shopping for furniture, taking her out to dinner, going on holidays etc.

 

So, then what I hoped would happen, happened. She found out, he left, we started a proper, normal relationship. Arranged holidays, he met my family, I met his friends etc etc. But it is HARD. SO hard. Still that feeling of second best, having to be understanding because he doesn't want to hurt his xW anymore than he has done etc, meeting friends who have known them as a couple for so long, hearing stories about them as a couple, basically living in a shadow of a life he's already created.

 

And now he's asked for a separation as he's not sure what he wants, after 20 months of us starting together. I am absolutely heartbroken and utterly exhausted. The happy parts of being with him have been completely outweighed by the constant battle to keep the relationship alive. My biggest mistake was believing that he was behind it too and we could make it together. I should have known he was never 100% on my side.

 

Anyway, after all this warbling, my theory is, even if he does eventually leave her, unless he is 100% behind YOU in the beginning, willing to leave his W immediately as he can't believe he's found you, the love of his life, it will NOT get better. There will be constant struggle and heartache. If he really wants to be with you and is unhappy in his marriage, give him a deadline and say you will wait until then with open arms, but at a distance so he can properly close his old relationship and be ready to move on.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, and it is SO hard to do (I am currently in NC and feel like my world is caving in), but if I can prevent anyone getting into the situation I'm in, I will.

 

Take care and look after yourself. You deserve better, you really do!!

 

xxxxx

 

 

Tashcw .. Thank you for sharing your testimony.. When we go through things and share, our ministry can be a great light for others ..

 

It is as I have thought .. the part that others do not talk about: the Other side - or after the divorce..

 

When a marriage has been broken .. or When a woman has fallen in love with a mm.. there may always be doubts. A mm can completely divorce and walk away - but the new woman may continue to feel second-best (or compared) .. All women Deserve better .. take care Tashcw ..

[BB07]

Hi Patient,

 

I'd like to add another viewpoint on here. I started out as you were, I was in a miserable relationship myself and my self esteem was very, very low. MM convinced me that we were helping each other as we were both giving each other confidence. I split with my fiance after 4 months, naively hoping that MM would follow. He didn't for another 8 months, and that was only because his W found out.

 

Those 8 months were horrible. The worst of my life until then. Unless you are extremely independent, you will get more and more sucked in. I started hating weekends, knowing that he was with his wife and children and I couldn't contact him. I assumed that he was thinking of me constantly, and was miserable, but have since learned that men have a greater ability to bury their heads in the sand and block things out. So whilst I was miserably sat at home, he was out shopping for furniture, taking her out to dinner, going on holidays etc.

 

So, then what I hoped would happen, happened. She found out, he left, we started a proper, normal relationship. Arranged holidays, he met my family, I met his friends etc etc. But it is HARD. SO hard. Still that feeling of second best, having to be understanding because he doesn't want to hurt his xW anymore than he has done etc, meeting friends who have known them as a couple for so long, hearing stories about them as a couple, basically living in a shadow of a life he's already created.

 

And now he's asked for a separation as he's not sure what he wants, after 20 months of us starting together. I am absolutely heartbroken and utterly exhausted. The happy parts of being with him have been completely outweighed by the constant battle to keep the relationship alive. My biggest mistake was believing that he was behind it too and we could make it together. I should have known he was never 100% on my side.

 

Anyway, after all this warbling, my theory is, even if he does eventually leave her, unless he is 100% behind YOU in the beginning, willing to leave his W immediately as he can't believe he's found you, the love of his life, it will NOT get better. There will be constant struggle and heartache. If he really wants to be with you and is unhappy in his marriage, give him a deadline and say you will wait until then with open arms, but at a distance so he can properly close his old relationship and be ready to move on.

 

I know this is not what you want to hear, and it is SO hard to do (I am currently in NC and feel like my world is caving in), but if I can prevent anyone getting into the situation I'm in, I will.

 

Take care and look after yourself. You deserve better, you really do!!

 

xxxxx

 

 

I can certainly relate to some of what you said in your post. You painted a very realistic picture of what it's like if you happen to end up with the MM and sometimes it ain't a pretty picture. I think sometimes people are blinded in that they don't see the realities and difficulties of being with the former MM, they only see the wine and roses scenario.

 

Although my situation is somewhat different than yours, I struggle with several insecurities because of the way our relationship started. After two years of separation, there is still no divorce as they have been unable to agree on alimony/property division and so we haven't been able to be a completely public couple and also for the time being it's a long distance relationship. So there are several difficulties and strikes against us just from the current situation, not even taking into account our previous affair. It's very hard and it's not that I'm wishing time away but I look forward to a year or two down the road when things are a lot more settled and calmer and we can concentrate more on us. I hope that five years down the road I can look back on this time and say it was all worth it. I feel that I will be able to, but only time will tell.

[White Flower]

hey guys,

 

I was glad to see this forum as I really need some advice. I met this guy about a month ago..he was everything I ever wanted in a man...smart, funny, attractive, respectful and just a all around good guy...until he told me he was married.I never caught on to it because he always took me out and we talked on the phone everyday all day... At that point we had been talking about a month or so and it broke my heart so bad I cried. he kept apologizing for not telling me and we talked for almost 5 hours about the situation.He doesnt talk about his marriage situation all he says is that hes not happy with his living situation and that people change.He says he told me because he didnt want me to get too attached and didnt wanna lie or hurt me anymore but he also says he wants to keep it going with me because he likes me and likes alot about me. During my hurting period I told him to leave me alone and that we couldnt continue...he called and txtd me the next day after that so I know he has feelings.. He wants us to sleep together,hang out occassionally, and talk to eachother on a regular basis and basically be support systems for eachother..as that was what we were doing before I found this out..he never tried to sleep with me we havent slept together yet and he was always so patient and never pressured me to do it.. I dont know what to do because I have so many emotions towards him and I feel for him and vice versa..what should I do?? I dont wanna let him go...

Oh yes he did pursue you to do it!!! The whole thing is his pursuing of you. What he wants is a friend with bennies my dear, and he says he wants to have a mutual support system but guess what? He's a man, and a married one at that. He doesn't even want to support his W let alone you.

 

He's laying this out all so carefully so that you can't ever throw it in his face that you didn't know he was M and that he wouldn't ever be available to be supportive to you. He even waited to tell you after the hook--after he knew you were stuck on him that he was M. And knowing a woman's heart, he knows you'll be the support he needs.

 

Don't let him fool you any longer.

[OWoman]

It is as I have thought .. the part that others do not talk about: the Other side - or after the divorce..

 

OTC - there are several of us who have posted on life with the MM after he leaves the M. Some are happy stories, some less happy - but they're here for people who look.

 

When a marriage has been broken .. or When a woman has fallen in love with a mm.. there may always be doubts. A mm can completely divorce and walk away - but the new woman may continue to feel second-best (or compared) .. All women Deserve better .. take care Tashcw ..

 

There have been a few OWs who've had "TOW Dipper" MMs of late - MMs who leave the M (or get kicked out) and go to the OW... only to oscillate and return to the BW later (or never to make the break completely). I would guess that Tash's is probably pretty common of this type - the MM who didn't make the choice himself. The choice was made for him - by his BW dumping him - so he landed up with the default choice, and lingering doubts...

 

OTOH, MMs who DO make the choice - who actively leave the BW, out of their own choice, resisting attempts to be lured back in by begging and pleading - are far better able to sustain the break. Usually, they leave for OWs who have not been "second best" at any time during the A - OWs who have demanded to be treated well and with respect, and have gotten that. These MMs know what they want and they go for it - they make the choice, they do not accept a choice being made for them. Having chosen, they then work to make that choice the right one, to make the R work, to make sure that the world knows that that R is at least as valid as the M was, and that the OW is their woman of choice. It's a very different scenario.