Jump to content

Questions for OWs whose MM left their Ws


Recommended Posts

These questions are for OWs like GEL and Owoman... I want to know what, in your opinion, was different with your Rs and MM that resulted in them leaving their Ws? I understand that these cases are exceptions not the rule but I am intrigued. Also:

1. How long did the As last before MM "picked" you?

2. How long did it take before MM told you he was leaving his M?

3. Did he ever waiver on his decision? Did you ever doubt that he would never leave?

4. When you were in the A, did he ever talk about his M or about W?

5. Do you think you really played a part in the disolution of the M, meaning do you think MM & W would still be married today if you had not come along?

 

Thanks!

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
These questions are for OWs like GEL and Owoman... I want to know what, in your opinion, was different with your Rs and MM that resulted in them leaving their Ws? I understand that these cases are exceptions not the rule but I am intrigued. Also:

1. How long did the As last before MM "picked" you?

2. How long did it take before MM told you he was leaving his M?

3. Did he ever waiver on his decision? Did you ever doubt that he would never leave?

4. When you were in the A, did he ever talk about his M or about W?

5. Do you think you really played a part in the disolution of the M, meaning do you think MM & W would still be married today if you had not come along?

 

Thanks!

 

I think our R was different because he was actually telling the truth about the state of his M.

 

He wasn't in love with or loved his W and hadn't for a long while before me. He also didn't have a shared, long history with her and he was unhappy enough that he wasn't afraid of starting over or losing everything. His parents both passed when he was much younger, so there was no familial pressure either.

 

He first said that he was leaving after I broke up with him right after our 2 year anniversary. I told him to go and work it out with her. He didn't, kept texting and emailing me. I always responded nonchalantly and happy (even though I was soooo sad). I didn't go back to the R until he texted me that he had told her and gave himself the January leave date.

 

I thought he was gaslighting me about leaving that September and confronted him. He said he couldn't leave at the beginning of the year, and I broke up with him, again. He knew the writing was on the wall, and he made his plan and followed through. They separated by February and were officially divorced in October. He never wavered or did the back and forth. I wouldn't have allowed it. I'd have left and found someone else. He knew that.

 

We didn't talk about her or their M. This led me to believe the BS's on LS that she was beautiful and smart and they had a great M. I thought he would never leave because that's what I heard all the time on this forum. I think it made me somewhat difficult and unreasonable. I threw him a hoop to jump through, thinking he wouldn't. He did every time, and proved me wrong.

 

I don't think I played a role in the disintegration of the M. It was already gone. However, I do think that if I had left and ignored his calls etc, he wouldn't have left. He'd have found someone else to have an A with because he wasn't happy and the M was dead.

 

We loved each other and couldn't bear the thought of living without each other. I think that is the bottom line.

 

GEL

Link to post
Share on other sites
These questions are for OWs like GEL and Owoman... I want to know what, in your opinion, was different with your Rs and MM that resulted in them leaving their Ws? I understand that these cases are exceptions not the rule but I am intrigued. Also:

1. How long did the As last before MM "picked" you?

2. How long did it take before MM told you he was leaving his M?

3. Did he ever waiver on his decision? Did you ever doubt that he would never leave?

4. When you were in the A, did he ever talk about his M or about W?

5. Do you think you really played a part in the disolution of the M, meaning do you think MM & W would still be married today if you had not come along?

 

Thanks!

 

 

 

  1. I don't think he picked me, I think he decided he was done with the marriage. Did he think of me and have hopes that I'd be with him, yes but I wasn't the primary reason he left.
  2. Our affair lasted 1 and 1/2 years, he left the marriage around 3 years later.
  3. When he and I first started dating he was separated, then he went back to the marriage. He stayed for around 3 years. Now, It's been 2 years on this separation. He would have had his divorce by now but they have been unable to agree on property division.
  4. He said very little about the marriage or her and I asked very few questions. In hindsight it seems strange on both of our parts.
  5. He says that the marriage would not have made it. I don't think the marriage would have made it either although I do wonder if he would have stayed in it longer if he hadn't thought that there was the possibility of something better with me. There were lots of strikes against it from the get go.

Link to post
Share on other sites
These questions are for OWs like GEL and Owoman... I want to know what, in your opinion, was different with your Rs and MM that resulted in them leaving their Ws? I understand that these cases are exceptions not the rule but I am intrigued.

 

I think I answered that - as best I could - in the other thread that was re-titled "few MMs leave their Ws..." or something like that.

 

Also:

1. How long did the As last before MM "picked" you?

 

I didn't feel that he "picked me"; more, it was that the A reached a point where we BOTH decided we wanted to be together full-time. Before that, the ground rules had stated quite clearly that it was to be deep and meaningless, just some hot passion wonderful sex, but nothing beyond that. I was not prepared to give up my freedom and my life, and did not want him to give up his M - until suddenly we found that, actually, we both DID. How far into the R that was I can't exactly recall... perhaps 2 years in?

 

2. How long did it take before MM told you he was leaving his M?

 

Once we had decided we wanted to be together, we spent a good while looking into various options to consider how that might work. We lived in different countries at that stage, and we both had kids at school, and careers centred on our locations at the time. We explored several scenarios and tested them out, and once we had something that looked feasible, we put it into operation. He had previously told his W that he wanted out, but had been vague on timelines - plus it had been really hard for him to speak to her as she just went hysterical each time and refused to discuss anything rationally. But, probably at the end of that third year, we were both ready to act on the plan.

 

3. Did he ever waiver on his decision? Did you ever doubt that he would never leave?

 

No. Once we'd decided, it was just a matter of getting all our ducks in a row on both sides. That took a while - longer for me than for him - but he followed through once we'd decided. He told his W he was leaving, that there was someone else, and left. Six months later I was able to join him, and did.

 

4. When you were in the A, did he ever talk about his M or about W?

 

No. What I learned about his M or his W came from others.

 

5. Do you think you really played a part in the disolution of the M, meaning do you think MM & W would still be married today if you had not come along?

 

Yes, I think they would still be together. I don't think he realised how unhappy he was - or even THAT he was unhappy - until he was exposed to a "normal" R, with me. He would simply have become more and more depressed, but it's unlikely he would have left.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think I answered that - as best I could - in the other thread that was re-titled "few MMs leave their Ws..." or something like that.

 

It's this post,

 

here

Link to post
Share on other sites
These questions are for OWs like GEL and Owoman... I want to know what, in your opinion, was different with your Rs and MM that resulted in them leaving their Ws? I understand that these cases are exceptions not the rule but I am intrigued. Also:

1. How long did the As last before MM "picked" you?

2. How long did it take before MM told you he was leaving his M?

3. Did he ever waiver on his decision? Did you ever doubt that he would never leave?

4. When you were in the A, did he ever talk about his M or about W?

5. Do you think you really played a part in the disolution of the M, meaning do you think MM & W would still be married today if you had not come along?

 

Thanks!

 

I think what was different was he was truly unhappy with his M, and he truly wanted to be with me. However, his lack of planning and insecurity, guilt, etc led to significant problems neither of us fully anticipated.

 

1) and 2) He picked me after about 2 years, told me he was going to leave. But it took another year or so for him to actually do it, which was really hard on me.

 

3) I had many doubts he was going to leave. He left once for less than a week and went right back. So I had many doubts he'd leave for good. He wasn't preparing and was sometimes acting like he was scheduled for execution rather than freedom to be happy. After he moved out, he never really "left". To this day, no change of address form, no change of beneficiary on life insurance, and he still has stuff at her house despite the divorce being long final. I prepared a super-soft place for him to land, but he just would not let that door close.

 

4) More than frequently. Everyday I heard some new tale of her abusiveness, insanity, histrionics. He had tremendous resentment for her. He said he doesn't think he was ever depply "in love" with her. He marriedher because she seemd to have good qualities and he was ready to settle down. He ignored a lot of red flags along the way and then they had kids. He felt very duty-bound to honor his commitment to the marriage, no matter how unhappy he was. I think he enjoyed thinking of himself as a martyr because it restored his sense of being a good person afterall.

 

5) I'd love to say no, but I'd be lying. I told him I wanted more from our relationship and that if he wanted to be with me he needed to get divorced. He did not file, but it was his behaviors that pushed her to file. Having spoken to her, I am 100% positive she regrets this. She thought it would push him to "realize" what he was losing and come back. The problem is he did realize, and wanted to be divorced- he just didn't want to bear responsibility for doing it. Yes I think they'd still be married, but not happliy. If she hadn't filed, I have every confidence it would have been years -if ever -before he did. Assuming I was not in the picture anymore and he hadn't moved out, I am certain they'd still be married and he'd be living life in quiet desperation. But, knowing how unhappy he was, it was merely a matter of time for something else brought to them to crisis again - perhaps his contemplation of another affair.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think our R was different because he was actually telling the truth about the state of his M.

 

He wasn't in love with or loved his W and hadn't for a long while before me. He also didn't have a shared, long history with her and he was unhappy enough that he wasn't afraid of starting over or losing everything. His parents both passed when he was much younger, so there was no familial pressure either.

 

He first said that he was leaving after I broke up with him right after our 2 year anniversary. I told him to go and work it out with her. He didn't, kept texting and emailing me. I always responded nonchalantly and happy (even though I was soooo sad). I didn't go back to the R until he texted me that he had told her and gave himself the January leave date.

 

I thought he was gaslighting me about leaving that September and confronted him. He said he couldn't leave at the beginning of the year, and I broke up with him, again. He knew the writing was on the wall, and he made his plan and followed through. They separated by February and were officially divorced in October. He never wavered or did the back and forth. I wouldn't have allowed it. I'd have left and found someone else. He knew that.

 

We didn't talk about her or their M. This led me to believe the BS's on LS that she was beautiful and smart and they had a great M. I thought he would never leave because that's what I heard all the time on this forum. I think it made me somewhat difficult and unreasonable. I threw him a hoop to jump through, thinking he wouldn't. He did every time, and proved me wrong.

 

I don't think I played a role in the disintegration of the M. It was already gone. However, I do think that if I had left and ignored his calls etc, he wouldn't have left. He'd have found someone else to have an A with because he wasn't happy and the M was dead.

 

We loved each other and couldn't bear the thought of living without each other. I think that is the bottom line.

 

GEL

 

 

Awesome... thanks GEL! I don't think that an OW can play a part in the disintegration of a M either. Clearly there is a problem with a M if one of the parties is cheating. Was your relationship a PA from the start?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's this post,

 

here

 

Thanks OWoman, BrokenLady & BB07. I can see many similarities in your stories. Unfortunately there is no recipe for success in this equation but I have noticed that a MM will only treat an OW badly if she lets him! If you believe in yourself and the fact that you do not deserve to be treated as number 2 then maybe MM will see it that way as well.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
Was your relationship a PA from the start?

 

I thought we were dating since he told me he was divorced. We got physical about a month after we met.

 

What can I say, I do have a strong libido. :o

 

GEL

Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't think that an OW can play a part in the disintegration of a M either.

 

But sometimes it requires exposure to a better / healthy / normal R for them to realise quite how far gone it is. IME many MMs consider their Ms to be "happy" until shown otherwise - at which point, they can't go back to their blinkered vision of idyllic domesticity. They start wanting the "more" that they've seen is possible, and out there....

Link to post
Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle

I find some OW on these forums to be so incredibly cruel towards the wife of the man with whom they are having, or have had an affair with. It's probably fortunate that the wife cannot read what is said about her behind her back by a woman who has participated in her betrayal.

 

In some cases the BW might truly be an awful person and the MM might well have become "used" to thinking that the relationship is normal. Such a MM might have difficulty recognizing that something that appears "better" or more normal is not so very different. He is merely exchanging one abusive relationship with a damaged woman, for another.

 

I suppose it's a bit like abused children who know no different and so don't recognise they are being abused. Unfortunately such children can go on to be abused by others.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I find some OW on these forums to be so incredibly cruel towards the wife of the man with whom they are having, or have had an affair with. It's probably fortunate that the wife cannot read what is said about her behind her back by a woman who has participated in her betrayal.

 

In some cases the BW might truly be an awful person and the MM might well have become "used" to thinking that the relationship is normal. Such a MM might have difficulty recognizing that something that appears "better" or more normal is not so very different. He is merely exchanging one abusive relationship with a damaged woman, for another.

 

I suppose it's a bit like abused children who know no different and so don't recognise they are being abused. Unfortunately such children can go on to be abused by others.

 

 

I'm not into doing that, wasn't then and I'm not now. :)

 

I also know that I'll never know exactly what went on in their marriage or her viewpoint on what she thinks the issues were. If it were possible, heck I'd even like to ask her, but it's not going to happen in this lifetime. :eek: Anyway, all I know about it, is the little bit he has told me and what I perceive it to be but it's possible that my perception is all wrong, although I don't think so.

 

I'm sorry that you were hurt and betrayed moaningmyrtle. It doesn't help anything and it won't help you, but during the course of an affair most of us do not fully realize the damage that we are doing to others or ourselves.

Link to post
Share on other sites
In some cases the BW might truly be an awful person and the MM might well have become "used" to thinking that the relationship is normal. Such a MM might have difficulty recognizing that something that appears "better" or more normal is not so very different. He is merely exchanging one abusive relationship with a damaged woman, for another.

 

This is true - a normal, healthy R can come as a real shock to an abused spouse and show up the M to be abusive. But, similarly, an abused spouse who has developed unhealthy patterns of relating can carry those over into a new R, or can fall into an abusive R because that is how they have been conditioned to act over time, and what they've come to accept as "love".

 

Which is why vigilance is required in the new R, and IC for the abused spouse - so that they can be aware of the dynamic, can recognise triggers and can spot any unhealthy dynamics which might develop.

 

My H was in an abusive 1st M, but luckily has done a great deal of work in IC and so doesn't put up with any nonsense from his xW anymore. We are both very vigilant in our M, and both have sufficient levels of self-awareness to monitor ourselves and our dynamic to prevent anything untoward developing between us.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I find some OW on these forums to be so incredibly cruel towards the wife of the man with whom they are having, or have had an affair with. It's probably fortunate that the wife cannot read what is said about her behind her back by a woman who has participated in her betrayal.

 

In some cases the BW might truly be an awful person and the MM might well have become "used" to thinking that the relationship is normal. Such a MM might have difficulty recognizing that something that appears "better" or more normal is not so very different. He is merely exchanging one abusive relationship with a damaged woman, for another.

 

I suppose it's a bit like abused children who know no different and so don't recognise they are being abused. Unfortunately such children can go on to be abused by others.

 

Those abused children sometimes grow up to abuse others. Sometimes they refuse to assert themselves. Sometimes they recover and enter healthy relationships with others.

Link to post
Share on other sites
It's probably fortunate that the wife cannot read what is said about her behind her back by a woman who has participated in her betrayal.

 

If my H's xW is anything to go by, they'd lack the self-awareness to recognise themselves in the description, even if it had their name on it... So your worries are in vain. This space can be used for what it was designed for - to support the OW - without fear of their needing to censor themselves out of fear of their BWs reading it :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
This is true - a normal, healthy R can come as a real shock to an abused spouse and show up the M to be abusive. But, similarly, an abused spouse who has developed unhealthy patterns of relating can carry those over into a new R, or can fall into an abusive R because that is how they have been conditioned to act over time, and what they've come to accept as "love".

 

Which is why vigilance is required in the new R, and IC for the abused spouse - so that they can be aware of the dynamic, can recognise triggers and can spot any unhealthy dynamics which might develop.

 

My H was in an abusive 1st M, but luckily has done a great deal of work in IC and so doesn't put up with any nonsense from his xW anymore. We are both very vigilant in our M, and both have sufficient levels of self-awareness to monitor ourselves and our dynamic to prevent anything untoward developing between us.

 

I think I'm reading you correctly: My last R was abusive, I had learned not to be abusive prior and was quite grounded in that area after much councelling. I knew what the truth about me was, just was wide open where others were concerned, the tactics and such. ...influence...his influence was not good, and I became not good for survival.

 

When your H met you, you were not abusive so therefore he followed suit, got help ect....

 

This is how I feel about myself, like I had regressed into old behavior (very childish I might add), extremely unbecoming for a lady and adult. Now that I am not exposed to him, my thinking has become better.

Edited by pureinheart
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thanks OWoman, BrokenLady & BB07. I can see many similarities in your stories. Unfortunately there is no recipe for success in this equation but I have noticed that a MM will only treat an OW badly if she lets him! If you believe in yourself and the fact that you do not deserve to be treated as number 2 then maybe MM will see it that way as well.

 

Priddy much that sums it up..lol...

 

In all fairness to the MM (I realise mine is a weird case and am looking at the situation objectively), they are very divided. When I able to see the real person (MM) (which did not happen at all after he S and was going through D), I saw a confused man, who didnot know what the hell to think or do.

 

I couldn't handle his constant guilt (which seemed to be more focused on me, meaning he felt bad for me), I couldn't handle my constant guilt (which I felt bad for me too...lol) and wanted more for my life.

 

I felt like the dirty little secret...I didn't know how to behave as this was a new one for me, as I had always been on the other side of the fence. I didn't talk to anyone because of the work sitch...then when I went to another co and started saying little things that had happened I realised the abuse was coming from all sides....I was able to then confide with one of my supervisors, who was able to explain how wrong his behavior was towards me...I mean on a deep level...so I took my stand and pissed off his entire family.

 

It was very weird...in some ways I felt I was the glue keeping his M together...weird, I know, but I think I'm right....like OWoman said in another thread...she stormed into his life...same with me...

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...