Things were getting so much better then I took a million steps backwards...

[alg24]

Hi-

Looking at my previous posts I was in a bad relationship with now exMM. Fooled Onced please please PLEASE be kind. I have beaten myself up to death over what I have done, I am not looking for sympathy, I feel like an idiot. I am back on the NC wagon and there to stay. I did not sleep all night, cried most of the night... It hasn't been this bad before.

 

 

Yesterday night I was really upset and texted him. I asked to see him... Really upset blah blah blah. Reading this while I am typing I am so disgusted with myself and feel like the biggest idiot. I am not into drama, creating problems, but look what I am doing. I don't want this horrible man back in my life, but the pain is so deep.

 

I have been having a horrific herpes outbreak this week. I am so itchy... It hurts when I sleep. I think its the skyrocketed stress I am under... But feeling like this for some reason makes me yearn him.. Really screwed up if you ask me..

 

But I sent those text messages. He told me he was not stupid... Just stop it.. I said we are done and I know that, but please... He said its done for him... I wrote a couple other things.... He told me loves his family and W 2. (they are getting divorced. he does not live at home. BUT I would never want to get in between a family) Anyway, he wrote back the name of the guy I was with before him and told me if I want sex go with him, and not him. Then I told him I was sorry I even bothered him, etc. and he does not understand its not sex I am looking for etc. and he wrote the same thing back but a little different.

 

I hate myself I hate myself... WHYYYYY

 

Things were going AMAZING before I/ME responded to his text message the other day. Why did he have to come out of the wood work and bother me. I was doing SO great. It my fault.

 

Please please please be kind FO

 

I really do want to get better.

I won't text or call again-- ( I know I have said that before) but really I won't

 

I almost did not post, but then I thought I should.

 

I don't want him back but the hurt...

 

What did I do?

 

I am so pathetic?

 

Ughh.. I was so happy a week ago and now I am back to being depressed and a mess.

[Hazyhead]

I think one of the biggest obstacles you face, alg, is your own opinion of yourself. Don't think of yourself as pathetic and weak as that gives you the excuse you need to contact him, 'I couldn't help it... etc.' He is not good for you and you know it. Alg, you know this. What is good for you? You also know the answer to this. Think of how proud you'll be of yourself when you manage full and lasting NC, and he starts to fade from your mind. You can do it - stop wallowing and start living.

[BB07]

Hi-

 

I hate myself I hate myself... WHYYYYY

 

Things were going AMAZING before I/ME responded to his text message the other day. Why did he have to come out of the wood work and bother me. I was doing SO great. It my fault.

 

Please please please be kind FO

 

I really do want to get better.

I won't text or call again-- ( I know I have said that before) but really I won't

 

I almost did not post, but then I thought I should.

 

I don't want him back but the hurt...

 

What did I do?

 

I am so pathetic?

 

Ughh.. I was so happy a week ago and now I am back to being depressed and a mess.

 

What did you do......you screwed up hon, you are human, it happens.

 

So you've already acknowledged it, so quit beating yourself up and DON'T do it again, OK?

 

Sweetie, you've got to realize that you are riding a trainwreck of your own design. You are the only one who can get off at the next stop. You've got to for your health and your sanity. You are the one who is the engineer of this ride, you just got to realize it and take control to prevent the next wreck.

 

Please get busy and stop obsessing about this no good piece of ****. The longer you do this the harder it's going to be to break the pattern. Your mind and your heart can be fixed, but you are the one who has to do this. No one else can fix it for you.......you have the power. Now start again and hugs to you.

[I Miss the Kiss]

alg, I'm so sorry you re hurting so much. if you know my story at all, you know I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I still do. I am in NC still but it is KILLING ME. The one and only thing that stops me is knowing I will hurt even more if I did contact him.

 

But I can't count how many times I caved in and sent that text or email. You are human, you weakened. Its okay... it really is. Each time you will realize a little bit more how much it hurts and how you really don't need this drama.

 

All I can say is always, ALWAYS remember the painful things when you feel tempted. He doesn't deserve as much as a blink of the eye from you. You deserve to be happy with someone who can give you the unconditional love we all need. You ARE WORTH IT. Please try to stay NC with him now... {{{hugs}}}

 

IMTK

[BlueeyedJonesy]

ALG, you have to understand that everyone has moments like this in life where they think.."what am I doing..why can't I stop?" in the long run the only person you are hurting is yourself. I'm sorry your hurting. Are you in IC? this is crucial for you right now.

[dannie19]

Since discovering Love Shack in December I have spent hours here, mouching about looking for advice and taking comfort from finding others in the same boat, really had my eyes opened to patterns of adultury (I had been believing his tall stories!) and I've wanted to write to people posting on here but don't really think I'm very good at giving advice, just repeating other peoples' words! Only I really wanted to try and write to you because your post has made me so sad. I just want to say if you have got through a whole week you must realise today is only a setback. I myself started to go no contact just on Sunday, my story posted here (Hitting rock bottom and ashamed of myself) I haven't contacted him (only to turn down his invite, well demand that I meet him for a drink tomorrow!) but to be honest I don't know what I've done since Sunday, I've started a lot of things and when I've been tempted to contact him I've left my phone at home and gone for a walk, I look a bit bonkers walking about the park without a dog in the rain but heigh ho, it also has helped to physically tire me so I can sleep. I think I've mostly been on the inetrnet and one of the best bits of advice I found was to write a list of all things I liked about him at first such as he was kind and thoughtful (qualities which have now vanished) and then realise that these qualities were qualitles in me he was mirroring to attract me, so I must have some good qualities! I don't know if this will help you and I can't say I'll keep up no conatct (especailly since I am back at work with him next week) but just want you to know I beleive you will get through this because reading between the lines of what you write a strong and determined individual with a lot of personal resources and common sense comes across. Big hug!

[whichwayisup]

As I just wrote to BEG - One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

 

You aren't stupid, you're not pathetic, you're not anything negative that you think you are.. You've made some choices that aren't helping you, choices that are only doing more damage to yourself.. BUT, the good thing is, you've hit pretty much your rock bottom, and there's nowhere to go, but UP.

 

This last contact with your exMM has just shown you (again) that any contact only messes you up, makes you feel worse. Next time, IF you get the urge, POST on LS. Just pretend your thread IS your exMM and vent away.

 

Stay strong, you can do this!

[alg24]

Thank you everyone...

 

You guys have been a huge support. I am so sorry for the pain everyone on this board is facing. Its the worse... You guys understand how bad it hurts... Its not easy...

 

I was just doing so well... Then this... I talked to my close friend/second mom this morning... The text exMM sent two days ago-- why did you speak so bad about me? You lost a friend.. blah blah-- she totally saw coming... I 100% did not see it coming... She explained to me that he gets off on the drama, pain I am feeling and hurt. He is a sick twisted man. Yes, he wanted to get "the last word" in, but he wants to hurt me. It was done for about 3 weeks, he had not heard from me in what two weeks but saw me around town/ignoring him and he started with me. She explained to me that I cannot view him and a healthy person and the only way I will be free of this is by completely ignoring him. If he calls or text I cannot good or bad respond. I view things truly as okay, he said leave me alone I did. Then three weeks later he texts me saying I lost a friend... BUT I am in the wrong because I totally freaked and sent him messages to days later...

 

I was on such a great track then this... She said also, she hates saying this but she fears that this will not be the last I hear from him... If that is true, and I am not even worry about it, I think thats very screwed up. He told me last night its done for him and if I wanted sex go be with --. (He was always throwing -- in my face when we would fight. Major jealousy. The other day when I randomly ran into him riding I was on -- horse) He is a 38 year old man... I am 21 years old... Why can't he... Its just so messed up.

 

I remember I told him a long time ago that I have never loved/cared about another man before. This is really hard for me... I don't view us as together forever but when this is over its going to hurt really bad... I tried to keep things going until season was over in this small town... Thinking that ending it when he left would be easier. It needed to end badly though for it truly to be done. I know that...

 

The next couple days I am NOT going to the barn during the day. Today I am taking a complete break from my barn,.. I have someone else riding my horse. I need to drop a couple things off but will do it later on in the evening. Tomorrow and thursday as well. I just don't want to see exMM and want to avoid running into him at all costs.

 

I keep playing with FO said... I really don't want to run into him or get a rise out of him... But my actions and words are doing another. This just hurts so bad everyone. Last night was the first time I really cried all night.

 

I know 100% this was not love. Perhaps MAYBE at one point this man cared. Looked what he did to his life in the last 2 years... But I did "love" him. I did care a lot about him. I gave him my whole heart- body and soul. It does not matter what he felt, but what I felt-- at the end it felt like I got body slammed...

 

I was so focused on him... Now I feel still after 1 month like a lost puppy. Figuring my life out, working, getting school done correspondence. My best friend/roommate is with me for another 4 weeks so thats a good thing. When she leaves I will be alone but my grandparents who I am very close live 40 minutes away. Perhaps I will go stay there... They are here until mid April.. Then I am figuring everything else out.

 

Call the shrink and left a voicemail-- its not a miracle cure but he does help-- put things into perspective.

 

Also, another thing my second mom said to me today is I will NEVER get closure from exMM. He will NEVER be diplomatic, kind, or nice. If he was a good person he would have NOT texted me two days ago- two days in a row. Oh, and texting her a couple weeks prior for me to leave him alone? He is 38 and I am 21- he should no better.

 

Anyway, thank you everyone for reading. And your support. It really does help. I just need to get back on track again =) I got a couple self- help books to read as well. My roommate/best friend is pretty amazing too.

[whichwayisup]

Last night was the first time I really cried all night.

 

Maybe because you know that was the 'final' straw.

 

You're 21 years old and have your whole life ahead of you.

 

OK, big pain in the butt, but try to find a different stable for your horse.

 

Your second mom is right. ExMM will not give you closure, that has to come within yourself. Acceptance and letting go.. It only matters what YOU think, feel and believe. Remember that!

[dannie19]

You're only 21! See, that shows you are insightful beyond your years and will come out of this on top and will find a relationship where you both give and receive, don't let this man steal your youth and make you bitter (sorry hope that doesn't sound patronising!). The fact that he is now being so cruel and cold makes me wonder if he has some sociopath tendacies? I found the following websites helpful:

 

http://www.abuserecovery.yolasite.com/

 

http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html

 

especially the 13 questions to 'diagnose' sociopathic behaviour on the second link.

 

They also helped me to be angry him and reaslie it pointless trying to have a 'grown up' problem solving dialogue with him. Of course your MM may just be a cruel man being defensive but whatever he isn't worth wasting another minute of your youth on.

[alg24]

Thank you everyone...

 

I just again feel so stupid. He wrote last night I am crazy, never. (But he didn't spell crazy correctly)

 

I dont think I cried all night because it was the final straw. I knew in the pit of my stomach after the first week of NC it was truly done. After the first week If it was not 100% done for me it was very very much done for him. I just knew... I wasn't expecting any closure. In the past when we attempted closure it ended up him expecting we could be friends, then continuing seeing each other...

 

So the rejection yesterday made me feel stupid and foolish (once I was thinking clearly made me think of a post FO said... Not be a stalker etc.) There were so many bad things with us... I always took him back... Perhaps trying to fill a need in my life.. Trying to prove myself, seeing the "good" in him and wanted to fix/love him. But as I said I know this time it was done really after the first week of NC. It should have been done a long time ago... But last week I did not have a morsel of thought, hope, expecting that we would ever be together again. None

 

When he texted me friday... "Why do you speak so bad about me." It made me cry.. It hurt... Why when he is so much older (he should know better) does he feel the need to seek out and hurt me further. When we had contact saturday I was actually fine. I was not expecting or hoping to see him. I was disgusted with myself for ever being with him. But Sunday I started obsessing, Monday (yesterday) I just took a million steps backwards.

 

Its just so sick that he even contacted me friday... I must stop thinking about that. I don't think he had a fight with his W and decided to take it out on me... I do know that her friend was suppose to come down the 12th (the night he texted me.) Perhaps, which was suppose to happen, he was forced out of the house because the guest room was not open anymore. Then he texted me... But when he wants to freak out or take something out on me he just goes after me... He doesn't send 1 text message one day then a couple more the next day... He usually just explodes. But that does not matter.

[alg24]

Thank you dannie19. I will look at those links..

 

I do realize what you said about my youth...

 

If this all did not happen I would have continued down this toxic road with this guy for much longer- wasting my youth on him. He is 38 years old-- he has lived his life, and destroyed his family life/his own... He does not care about my own, or wasting my youth. If this did not all blow up I would have most likely gotten into a fight with him and continued the cycle. What does he have to loose? Together not together. Wasting my twenties and just causing myself more damage, pain and more issues.

 

The W (and we are not in contact anymore) said to me that he has really put some major baggage in my life... This ''relationship" really hurt me and I am so young... We are both better off without him and need to move forward. She is trying to keep things calm/not trying to start problems because of the children. But cutting him out of her life as best as she can, dealing with him very limitedly has already freed herself/made her so much happier. What she does with him is not my business. I don't think about it that much anymore.. But look at the kindness she has shown me.. I apologized many times, and she knew how guilty I felt. But she saw the lies, the abuse, and pain I had been dealing with. We both dealt with, but I think she finally came to terms with that she was over it (15 years-- I feel awful.. She was so amazing/nice. Did not deserve this)

[scorpmale003]

WTF...you are just 21...

concentrate on studies(if you are in it)....enjoy the college life..which you can't get back ,even if you pay million dollars....this fkd up love will come and go but time you wasted never would...live life king size

Edited February 16, 2010 by scorpmale003

[pureinheart]

It's all just really hard....like a drug...one day at a time. Possibly use the 12 step program and keep starting over if you have to....as long as you keep trying you are still doing good...take the pressure off of yourself.

 

Possibly too much focus is put on NC in your case...it's so easy for me to say, "forget him and move on", as it is a process and actually you are doing good....these things take time, no easy answers.

 

You know, once I took the focus off of NC, white knuckling, things got easier....I am in no means saying not to keep NC, it's just when you take the pressure off of it it is easier...treat this as a drug....you are weaning off the drug...and it is working.

 

Please don't beat yourself up....k...

[pureinheart]

WTF...you are just 21...

concentrate on studies(if you are in it)....enjoy the college life..which you can't get back ,even if you pay million dollars....this fkd up love will come and go but time you wasted never would...live life king size

 

Scorp....this is really good...you are gaining compassion and understanding .....and oh how right you are.....

[pureinheart]

WTF...you are just 21...

concentrate on studies(if you are in it)....enjoy the college life..which you can't get back ,even if you pay million dollars....this fkd up love will come and go but time you wasted never would...live life king size

 

Scorp, I gotta say that I have really enjoyed your replies...you have never meant malice, even thought it may have seemed like it....I think you are way cool...I don't know what it is but you really have a good heart.

 

I don't mean to mess with you ...k...and I know you don't take anything personal....

 

Fooled I know I made you mad at me for messing with Scorp...but I really do like him....OMG look at what he says here....so few words, with an abundance of meaning !~

[Sullen_Gyrl]

Alg,

 

I totally sympathize with YOU! I'm so sorry that you are going through this back and forth, but admittedly -- it comes with the territory. I broke up w/ xMM 4 or 5 times before I decided enough was enough. As of today, I have benn no contact for 1 week! It may seem like a short amount of time to some, but it means the world to me.

 

NC will rip you apart -- if YOU let it and if you continue to focus on HIM.

 

Take a deep breath, lean hard on your support system (LS, your friends, etc) and start thinking about what YOU WANT FOR YOURSELF and what YOUR GOALS are.

 

Trust me, I went through the "stalker mode" the first couple of days (checking to see if he had posted any new info on his site) but after talking to the amazing ppl at LS I realized that it was all apart of the process of release.

 

You can do it Alg, we're all rooting for you here!

 

P.S. Whenever I feel ready to text/email him, I busy myself with my favorite hobbies (writing, reading, etc.) Whenever you get the urge, immediately do something else.

[fooled once]

Oh Alg..... :( :( :(

 

I can't really reply because I am so sad for you (and a bit angry).

 

I have heard so many times "I won't text him/I won't call him/I won't contact him" that I don't believe it.

 

You can't believe it when you say it.

 

The only thing we have in this world is our word. I was just saying this to DS last night -- our word is who we are.

 

So if you can't say "I won't call him/I won't text him/I won't try to see him" -- then don't say it.

 

Say what you mean, mean what you say.

 

I am so sad that for some reason, you keep throwing yourself at this loser. I am so sad that you think so little of yourself that you keep thinking HE is the answer for you. Therapy isn't going to help unless you MEAN what you say and say what you mean.

 

If you aren't willing to help yourself, then no one else can help you. You keep making excuses for what you do...

 

So -- because you asked me to be gentle, I won't reply any further.

 

:( :( :(

[alg24]

I know FO.. I am soooo beyond angry and disappointed in myself. For the past two weeks I have been doing great, feeling wonderful, and moving in a positive direction. Friday/Saturday really really hurt me. But I/ME was the one who allowed that...

 

I did NOT go to the barn today until later. I am making sure I do not see him/run into him. I just realize that I cannot see him. Its the worse thing in the world for me. Tomorrow (wednesday) and thursday I will not go until nighttime to check on my horse.. The girl will ride him for me and take care of him.. My horse is horse showing friday afternoon and saturday first thing AM with the girl. Soooo, the reality is I will prob. see exMM Friday AM (I need to ride my horse in the morning and make sure he is prepped/ready. Thats extremely beyond important) But after that I will make sure I limit going to the barn where I might run into him on the roads, etc.

 

I am really angry with myself. I did exactly what you warned me against. I did exactly what he wanted me to do.

 

This morning/ afternoon was really tough for me. I feel much better though... Have a really busy day tomorrow..

 

 

How are you FO?

[alg24]

And its so true. What we say and our word is all we have...

 

Ughh

 

Good night everyone and stay strong =)

[pureinheart]

Since discovering Love Shack in December I have spent hours here, mouching about looking for advice and taking comfort from finding others in the same boat, really had my eyes opened to patterns of adultury (I had been believing his tall stories!) and I've wanted to write to people posting on here but don't really think I'm very good at giving advice, just repeating other peoples' words! Only I really wanted to try and write to you because your post has made me so sad. I just want to say if you have got through a whole week you must realise today is only a setback. I myself started to go no contact just on Sunday, my story posted here (Hitting rock bottom and ashamed of myself) I haven't contacted him (only to turn down his invite, well demand that I meet him for a drink tomorrow!) but to be honest I don't know what I've done since Sunday, I've started a lot of things and when I've been tempted to contact him I've left my phone at home and gone for a walk, I look a bit bonkers walking about the park without a dog in the rain but heigh ho, it also has helped to physically tire me so I can sleep. I think I've mostly been on the inetrnet and one of the best bits of advice I found was to write a list of all things I liked about him at first such as he was kind and thoughtful (qualities which have now vanished) and then realise that these qualities were qualitles in me he was mirroring to attract me, so I must have some good qualities! I don't know if this will help you and I can't say I'll keep up no conatct (especailly since I am back at work with him next week) but just want you to know I beleive you will get through this because reading between the lines of what you write a strong and determined individual with a lot of personal resources and common sense comes across. Big hug!

 

Hey, you are human, therefore that qualifies you to give advice!!!!! Repetition is good too, it reinforces...or just say I agree....join in D....k...

[whichwayisup]

When you wake up tomorrow, call your cell phone company and get your number changed. Don't think about it - JUST DO IT. I strongly believe once you do that, a HUGE weight will lift off your shoulders.

[alg24]

When you wake up tomorrow, call your cell phone company and get your number changed. Don't think about it - JUST DO IT. I strongly believe once you do that, a HUGE weight will lift off your shoulders.

 

 

I was thinking about that again... I posted on another thread that its very difficult for me to change my cell phone number because my dad controls the account. He has been worrying a great deal, and is under a mass amount of stress with work-- me being in FL and him living up north in another state already causes him great concern and stress. I have been very quiet lately and if I turn around this week and ask for him to change my number it would be a huge red flag for them. Its not that I am lying to my parents or being sneaky (which I have already) I just don't want them worrying and thinking something awful is happening again.

 

I feel, and perhaps I am being really stupid, that changing my cell phone number might make me feel a lot better BUT its about me NOT texting/calling him. I don't feel like he is going to call/text me-- its about me NOT calling/texting him... Yes, a couple weeks went by and he texted me two days in a row and I responded--- but he questioned why I had spoken so bad about him, told me I lost a friend (okay, yea buddy. NOT), and good-bye forever. Then I/ME texted him a day later freaking out. He responded by saying ''Its done for him. Good luck" (and a couple other text messages.) As long as I don't bother him I don't think he will text/call me. Perhaps I am wrong. Fooled once this is not me questioning if he will call/text again-- I don't care. I need to focus on NEVER calling/texting him again.

[whichwayisup]

I doubt it's going to stress him out that much. Just say that you've been getting alot of wrong numbers and it's starting to bug you..Alot.

 

It isn't just about controlling yourself, texting him back - It's to prevent HIM from contacting you. Taking control back. Every..single..time he texting you, you read what he says, reguardless if you're tempted to text him back or not, what you read HAS a huge affect on you and not in a good way. It would be better for you never to see a word from him again.

 

Yes, you're wrong. He will find a way to try text you again at some point..And if you don't change your cell number, it's going to be really hard on you NOT to reply. What if a month goes by, you feel wonderful..He texts.. Something that he knows will make you 'feel'..

[fooled once]

I was thinking about that again... I posted on another thread that its very difficult for me to change my cell phone number because my dad controls the account. He has been worrying a great deal, and is under a mass amount of stress with work-- me being in FL and him living up north in another state already causes him great concern and stress. I have been very quiet lately and if I turn around this week and ask for him to change my number it would be a huge red flag for them. Its not that I am lying to my parents or being sneaky (which I have already) I just don't want them worrying and thinking something awful is happening again.

 

I feel, and perhaps I am being really stupid, that changing my cell phone number might make me feel a lot better BUT its about me NOT texting/calling him. I don't feel like he is going to call/text me-- its about me NOT calling/texting him... Yes, a couple weeks went by and he texted me two days in a row and I responded--- but he questioned why I had spoken so bad about him, told me I lost a friend (okay, yea buddy. NOT), and good-bye forever. Then I/ME texted him a day later freaking out. He responded by saying ''Its done for him. Good luck" (and a couple other text messages.) As long as I don't bother him I don't think he will text/call me. Perhaps I am wrong. Fooled once this is not me questioning if he will call/text again-- I don't care. I need to focus on NEVER calling/texting him again.

 

DING DING DING -- see the bolded.

 

It doesn't matter IF he text or calls, it is up to Alg to NOT respond, to NOT be the one to start contacting him!!!

 

I doubt it's going to stress him out that much. Just say that you've been getting alot of wrong numbers and it's starting to bug you..Alot.

 

I disagree - parents have a sixth sense. Dad is going to know something is up with his little girl. And dad doesn't need to worry. Alg has to show that SHE can control herself. As a parent, I would worry if my DS all of a sudden wanted his number changed. I mean, I don't answer my phone if I don't recognize the number. Alg IS responding, Alg IS initiating. It falls ON HER to NOT do this.

 

She has to learn - as we all have had to - self control. She has to learn this in love, in job, in everything.

 

Alg - I AM PROUD of you I am PROUD of you for altering YOU and your horse schedule.

 

Baby steps my dear friend...baby steps. KEEP IT UP.

 

Don't give me this "I won't contact him" crap if you don't mean it, okay? Like I said, let me know if you want my email and I will happily give it to you so you can reach out to me instead of him!

 

And yes, he will contact you again -- don't be naive and think he won't. He will - could be in a day, a week or a month. But he will. PREPARE yourself to NOT react to it (by responding).

 

(((((HUGS)))))))