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crystal_lostheart

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crystal_lostheart

Hi all.

 

My story basically goes as is.... got involved with MM, went through hell, MM left his W, went through more hell. He wouldn't get a D or tell her about me. A year after he left his W, she is now pregnant to him..... 2 years down the track and for what? And what's worse is he lied about how she got pregnant, saying she did IVF behind his back..... Yeah.... he slept with her.

 

Please those of you don't judge saying 'if he would cheat on her, why wouldn't he do it to you?' I know all this but what I didn't accept is that this man was a completely selfish, hateful, cowardly, jealous piece of work- in other words - a complete narcissist.

 

Could your MM or MW be one too?

 

What I'm saying is, these types of people are very good at abusing, manipulating and lying. Most women who get involved with MM have lower self esteem issues to begin with. What chance do you have at the grip of such people?

 

If it doesn't seem, feel, smell, taste or sound right, then it isn't. Don't doubt yourself!!

 

I am in heavy therapy now and my therapist deals with narcissistic partners. She has told me my xMM is a full 10/10 for NPD. I knew the signs, I knew the symptoms, however the abuse was that bad I just couldn't see straight.

 

These men don't know the truth from a lie. They really believe their own lies. And even after I found out his W was pregnant (he kept blaming her saying she did IVF behind his back - typical behavior to blame others), he still blamed me for not 'sticking' by him to help 'him' get through this.... Yes I am serious when I say this....I am completely drained emotionally, physically and spiritually and am still in disbelief that humans like him exist and function the way they do. He sucked the life out of me. But he is not my problem anymore, thank goodness.

 

If you suspect something is really not right with your MM, something that goes much deeper than them just being selfish and weak.... Do some homework like I did. You will see that you are not to blame for him being 'born-brought up' that way. But you are to blame if you know of this behavior and you keep staying and making excuses. Don't make the mistake I did. You cannot help him. He does not recognize what love is. You are a 'supply' to him to keep him going. You MUST help yourself and stay away from him. It's a horrible realization and it's one of disbelief, hurt and anger.

 

The more threads I read on here, the more I see women being 'abused' by men and these poor women have no idea what they are dealing with. Just like me, I ignored the idea until he completely 'tested' me by getting his W pregnant and seeing if I would still stick by his side still. This is typical behavior of men with NPD, always trying to feed more off you. My God, I feel sick typing this....

 

I'm not saying all MM are Narcissists but the possibility I believe is much higher in these situations. I don't wish this pain upon anyone. As my therapists said to me 'I have treated heroin addicts and also women who have come out of Narcissistic relationships. The pain I can tell you from what I've seen, is far worse than being addicted to heroin. Withdrawing from these types of relationships is a terrifying and dangerous experience if not dealt with properly'.

 

Please just think about your life. Think hard for YOU not him. Don't stay addicted to the pain.

 

It has been almost a month since I have seen xMM. Every day is hard. But I am starting to see him differently.... from a distance in my mind... he is not well, not stable and you know what? Neither am I at the moment. But I want to get better.... I really want to be a happy, strong, loving woman one day. He can't and never will be happy.... I accept that now and that's the first step to moving on without him....

 

All the best....:)

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Crystal,

I'm glad you posted, I was wondering what was going on with you. I'm sorry to hear that all the bleak predictions in your last thread came true. Are you still talking to him? I really hope you find peace soon.

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Good God! I'm sorry to hear you're still in pain over this but glad that you are on the road to recovery. I know it'll be a long one but your life will be so much richer for him not being your problem.

 

Take care Crystal

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bentnotbroken

If you suspect something is not right with your MM

This statement is a contradiction on so many levels. MM is the first, calling him yours and why shouldn't you be suspicious of a man lying and cheating on his wife? Nothing about the situation was right in the first place.

 

That aside while I do know there are NPD's out there, Mr. Messy diagnosed, I think that term is over used. If your therapist hasn't met with him she can only go on what you tell her. I am not saying he isn't NPD, but it seems to be a huge stretch to say he got his wife pregnant as a way to test you. Most NPD don't feel a person is important enough in there lives to go to that extreme. Are you looking for a reason to explain why you chose to be involved with him by saying he manipulated and controlled you? :confused:

 

While I am completely aware of lengths that it takes to pull away from a NPD person, it is possible. It takes some self reflection, some personal accountability and some acknowledgement of our own destructive choices to get better. You will get better in time and hard work.

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crystal_lostheart
This statement is a contradiction on so many levels. MM is the first, calling him yours and why shouldn't you be suspicious of a man lying and cheating on his wife? Nothing about the situation was right in the first place.

 

That aside while I do know there are NPD's out there, Mr. Messy diagnosed, I think that term is over used. If your therapist hasn't met with him she can only go on what you tell her. I am not saying he isn't NPD, but it seems to be a huge stretch to say he got his wife pregnant as a way to test you. Most NPD don't feel a person is important enough in there lives to go to that extreme. Are you looking for a reason to explain why you chose to be involved with him by saying he manipulated and controlled you? :confused:

 

While I am completely aware of lengths that it takes to pull away from a NPD person, it is possible. It takes some self reflection, some personal accountability and some acknowledgement of our own destructive choices to get better. You will get better in time and hard work.

 

In my post, I said I was aware of this (the cheating aspect) and not to again judge the situation from that point of view.

 

No I am not looking for a reason.... I've lived through this, his behavior terribly wrong, he is completely N and I don't believe for a second I am throwing the term around 'loosely' with him.... so please don't try and make this horrible abuse seem less than what it is...or that I am making excuses because I'm certainly not. And what I have 'told' my therapist, who deals specifically with these types of R, is all the things that have just happened...

no if's, no but's....

 

Yes it is hard work, as you should know.... and I am completely willing to get better...

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crystal_lostheart
Crystal,

I'm glad you posted, I was wondering what was going on with you. I'm sorry to hear that all the bleak predictions in your last thread came true. Are you still talking to him? I really hope you find peace soon.

 

Hi BL,

 

Hope you're good.

 

No I do not talk to him anymore... cut him off completely... he was chasing me for a while, then I changed my number, told him to stay away, etc.... and haven't heard from him since..

 

Looking forward to finding peace... ;)

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Hi all.

 

My story basically goes as is.... got involved with MM, went through hell, MM left his W, went through more hell. He wouldn't get a D or tell her about me. A year after he left his W, she is now pregnant to him..... 2 years down the track and for what? And what's worse is he lied about how she got pregnant, saying she did IVF behind his back..... Yeah.... he slept with her.

 

Please those of you don't judge saying 'if he would cheat on her, why wouldn't he do it to you?' I know all this but what I didn't accept is that this man was a completely selfish, hateful, cowardly, jealous piece of work- in other words - a complete narcissist.

 

:)

 

Of course he's a liar, but you were aware of that as well as he being married so take responsibiltiy for your actions. Now these are the consequences, you live and learn.

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Of course he's a liar, but you were aware of that as well as he being married so take responsibiltiy for your actions. Now these are the consequences, you live and learn.

 

Crystal has posted numerous other thread where she's more than happy to take responsibility for her decisions. Your trite comments are a bit mean spirited when she's hurting, don't you think?

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Hi all.

 

My story basically goes as is.... got involved with MM, went through hell, MM left his W, went through more hell. He wouldn't get a D or tell her about me. A year after he left his W, she is now pregnant to him..... 2 years down the track and for what? And what's worse is he lied about how she got pregnant, saying she did IVF behind his back..... Yeah.... he slept with her.

 

Please those of you don't judge saying 'if he would cheat on her, why wouldn't he do it to you?' I know all this but what I didn't accept is that this man was a completely selfish, hateful, cowardly, jealous piece of work- in other words - a complete narcissist.

 

Could your MM or MW be one too?

 

What I'm saying is, these types of people are very good at abusing, manipulating and lying. Most women who get involved with MM have lower self esteem issues to begin with. What chance do you have at the grip of such people?

 

If it doesn't seem, feel, smell, taste or sound right, then it isn't. Don't doubt yourself!!

 

I am in heavy therapy now and my therapist deals with narcissistic partners. She has told me my xMM is a full 10/10 for NPD. I knew the signs, I knew the symptoms, however the abuse was that bad I just couldn't see straight.

 

These men don't know the truth from a lie. They really believe their own lies. And even after I found out his W was pregnant (he kept blaming her saying she did IVF behind his back - typical behavior to blame others), he still blamed me for not 'sticking' by him to help 'him' get through this.... Yes I am serious when I say this....I am completely drained emotionally, physically and spiritually and am still in disbelief that humans like him exist and function the way they do. He sucked the life out of me. But he is not my problem anymore, thank goodness.

 

If you suspect something is really not right with your MM, something that goes much deeper than them just being selfish and weak.... Do some homework like I did. You will see that you are not to blame for him being 'born-brought up' that way. But you are to blame if you know of this behavior and you keep staying and making excuses. Don't make the mistake I did. You cannot help him. He does not recognize what love is. You are a 'supply' to him to keep him going. You MUST help yourself and stay away from him. It's a horrible realization and it's one of disbelief, hurt and anger.

 

The more threads I read on here, the more I see women being 'abused' by men and these poor women have no idea what they are dealing with. Just like me, I ignored the idea until he completely 'tested' me by getting his W pregnant and seeing if I would still stick by his side still. This is typical behavior of men with NPD, always trying to feed more off you. My God, I feel sick typing this....

 

I'm not saying all MM are Narcissists but the possibility I believe is much higher in these situations. I don't wish this pain upon anyone. As my therapists said to me 'I have treated heroin addicts and also women who have come out of Narcissistic relationships. The pain I can tell you from what I've seen, is far worse than being addicted to heroin. Withdrawing from these types of relationships is a terrifying and dangerous experience if not dealt with properly'.

 

Please just think about your life. Think hard for YOU not him. Don't stay addicted to the pain.

 

It has been almost a month since I have seen xMM. Every day is hard. But I am starting to see him differently.... from a distance in my mind... he is not well, not stable and you know what? Neither am I at the moment. But I want to get better.... I really want to be a happy, strong, loving woman one day. He can't and never will be happy.... I accept that now and that's the first step to moving on without him....

 

All the best....:)

 

This is how I was able to break free, NC...it took many of them, although each time it gave me the time to think...to see things the way they really are.

 

Whether the R is good or bad NC will be the dividing line that separates. NC is a blessing in disquise.

 

In R like what you are describing, and the one I just came out of, the abuse is so prevelant that it is difficult to see ones way "in it"...once out of it the way is clear.

 

(((((((((hugggsss)))))))

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Crystal has posted numerous other thread where she's more than happy to take responsibility for her decisions. Your trite comments are a bit mean spirited when she's hurting, don't you think?

 

I am not trying to be mean spirited, actually I do feel for some OW as well as BS.

She just seems to be putting the blame on his manipulation, his lieing which is silly. She knew what she was getting into, she knew he was married and a liar so these are the consequences. Why dwell on him, take care of you.

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In my post, I said I was aware of this (the cheating aspect) and not to again judge the situation from that point of view.

 

No I am not looking for a reason.... I've lived through this, his behavior terribly wrong, he is completely N and I don't believe for a second I am throwing the term around 'loosely' with him.... so please don't try and make this horrible abuse seem less than what it is...or that I am making excuses because I'm certainly not. And what I have 'told' my therapist, who deals specifically with these types of R, is all the things that have just happened...

no if's, no but's....

 

Yes it is hard work, as you should know.... and I am completely willing to get better...

 

It's interesting how WE are the ones that end up in therapy...that says it all right there...hell I've got a team of therapists...lol...and thank God for that!

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Crystal has posted numerous other thread where she's more than happy to take responsibility for her decisions. Your trite comments are a bit mean spirited when she's hurting, don't you think?

 

I think this thread isn't so much about owning choices but facing the consequences of such. It really does sound like CL is accepting the ownership but refusing the consequences. There is, if you look, a subtle trend of "his" fault - the victim card so to speak.

 

I can surmise this by saying had "her MM" left to be with her...she would NOT be posting this but rather "how she defied the odds". However, because she did not "win"...she doesn't like dealing with the result - ie being "not chosen".

 

And is left facing the consequences of her A. Consequences she doesn't like.

 

Accepting the A and her part but simply NOT liking the outcome.

 

I, like BNB, have a hard time seeing the abuse.

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I think this thread isn't so much about owning choices but facing the consequences of such. It really does sound like CL is accepting the ownership but refusing the consequences. There is, if you look, a subtle trend of "his" fault - the victim card so to speak.

 

I can surmise this by saying had "her MM" left to be with her...she would NOT be posting this but rather "how she defied the odds". However, because she did not "win"...she doesn't like dealing with the result - ie being "not chosen".

 

And is left facing the consequences of her A. Consequences she doesn't like.

 

Accepting the A and her part but simply NOT liking the outcome.

 

I, like BNB, have a hard time seeing the abuse.

 

Good post... but

 

While I agree that the trend seems to be that when a relationship falls apart people want to point fingers at the other party rather than see their own culpability and accept the consequences as they come, I think it is a defense mechanism to help them on the path of healing. By seeing herself as victim and him as abuser, she can let him go more easily because now he is a "bad guy" rather than the "great guy" she fell in love with. Ya know? So let her have it, if it helps.. :o

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crystal_lostheart

I actually accept full responsibility for my actions in getting involved in the A.... if you read my thread properly, you will see that I said I am 'unwell' too. Not just because of him but because of myself...my past threads also state this as well.

 

I know how wrong I was... I am not denying that, but the very fact is this man was also abusive, physically and emotionally. I don't know how I got so caught up in it and yes I get angry at myself that I did put myself in this position.

 

All I was trying to say in my post was what happened and to help OW see that they need to take care of themselves first.

 

But I guess attacking an OW for some of you is just that easy.

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crystal_lostheart
I am not trying to be mean spirited, actually I do feel for some OW as well as BS.

She just seems to be putting the blame on his manipulation, his lieing which is silly. She knew what she was getting into, she knew he was married and a liar so these are the consequences. Why dwell on him, take care of you.

 

Like you lived in my shoes for 2 years?? It amazes me how easily some people can judge a situation and are quick to reply. Like I said, I know I was wrong and I am certainly taking responsibility for that.

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crystal_lostheart
I think this thread isn't so much about owning choices but facing the consequences of such. It really does sound like CL is accepting the ownership but refusing the consequences. There is, if you look, a subtle trend of "his" fault - the victim card so to speak.

 

I can surmise this by saying had "her MM" left to be with her...she would NOT be posting this but rather "how she defied the odds". However, because she did not "win"...she doesn't like dealing with the result - ie being "not chosen".

 

And is left facing the consequences of her A. Consequences she doesn't like.

 

Accepting the A and her part but simply NOT liking the outcome.

 

I, like BNB, have a hard time seeing the abuse.

 

Well I can tell you your post is completely wrong about me and the situation. I never wanted to 'win' as you so kindly put it. It was never a game to me. It's so easy for people to judge OW harshly. Some people make mistakes you know, big ones. I'm not denying that I am part of the mistake because I certainly was.

 

And just for the record BNB posted on one of my threads over a year ago after I spoke about his abuse towards me and she stated 'get away from this monster'. I'm not asking you to see the abuse, but I SAW and FELT it and couldn't understand why I couldn't pull away from it.

 

A lot of women in abusive R find it hard to leave. Obviously I was one of them. Especially women with low self esteem. How hard would it be for them to leave? That's all I was trying to say....

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crystal_lostheart
Crystal has posted numerous other thread where she's more than happy to take responsibility for her decisions. Your trite comments are a bit mean spirited when she's hurting, don't you think?

 

Thanks BL. I thought it stated on this site...'support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner'.

 

I guess the part of me trying to move on, get better, try and improve and respect myself from this situation is completely overlooked. Some people have nothing better to do than to dig the heels in when someone's already down.... Nice.

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moaningmyrtle
Like you lived in my shoes for 2 years?? It amazes me how easily some people can judge a situation and are quick to reply. Like I said, I know I was wrong and I am certainly taking responsibility for that.

 

 

I see this thread is all about how you have been done wrong by him and various posters implying you have only yourself to blame. I happen to agree that you have been done wrong by him, as has his wife.

 

Crystal sorry that I don't know this already - but have you in fact acknowledged that the man's wife was a victim of your actions?

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While I am not very comfortable with your therapist labeling/diagnosing someone she has never even met, I can understand why she is doing it: to help you and make you not want to ever go back to him.

 

I am honestly shocked that he was sleeping with her and lying to you about her using IVF behind his back. O.M.G! What a liar! Talk about having your lies thought out.

 

Be glad you are out of that R. I also echo what Pure said. I think its so sad that everyone ends up in therapy after/during infidelity.

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crystal_lostheart
I see this thread is all about how you have been done wrong by him and various posters implying you have only yourself to blame. I happen to agree that you have been done wrong by him, as has his wife.

 

Crystal sorry that I don't know this already - but have you in fact acknowledged that the man's wife was a victim of your actions?

 

Yes definitely... and that was one of the major reasons I tried to leave him before... I honestly couldn't believe I had gotten into such a mess... and she was and still is obviously in terrible pain too... It was like I was looking in the mirror at someone I didn't know anymore.. I had completely lost myself in this man... a very bad mistake on my behalf

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but the very fact is this man was also abusive, physically and emotionally. I don't know how I got so caught up in it and yes I get angry at myself that I did put myself in this position.

 

All I was trying to say in my post was what happened and to help OW see that they need to take care of themselves first.

 

But I guess attacking an OW for some of you is just that easy.

 

 

CLH when you say physically abusive are you saying he would beat you?

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crystal_lostheart
While I am not very comfortable with your therapist labeling/diagnosing someone she has never even met, I can understand why she is doing it: to help you and make you not want to ever go back to him.

 

I am honestly shocked that he was sleeping with her and lying to you about her using IVF behind his back. O.M.G! What a liar! Talk about having your lies thought out.

 

Be glad you are out of that R. I also echo what Pure said. I think its so sad that everyone ends up in therapy after/during infidelity.

 

Thanks NID. You know what, a part of me wasn't shocked this happened. The relationship with him was like jumping one hurdle after another. So this was just another hurdle he wanted me to 'jump' with him. He actually asked me to stay with him and 'help him through it'!! I always felt I had to 'prove' myself to him. And how silly I was to allow myself to fall into the trap each time. I just believed him. Completely gullible. Finally I woke up and said goodbye for good. In a lot of pain but just trying to move on hour by hour...

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crystal_lostheart
CLH when you say physically abusive are you saying he would beat you?

 

He did slap me a number of times. A few times, he grabbed me around the neck when we fought to try shut me up. I never mentioned it to anyone. I used to feel 'guilty' afterwards and I don't know why?? He used to think this behavior was acceptable because he was a 'man' and sometimes he said that he was just 'fooling around' - like trying to be defensive about his behavior. I remember once I was tickling him and out of no where, he just slapped me hard across the face... I was confused? I know that sounds weird but when I yelled at him about it, he said 'you can't even take a joke and I don't appreciate you tickling me there' and he didn't talk to me for hours afterwards.

 

I am ashamed to say, I used to make excuses for him and never told people about it. Twice he slapped me in front of another person just 'joking' around. I felt humiliated but still defended him. I remember the look on their faces... not knowing what to think.

 

He has hit his W too, also pushed her down a flight of stairs once in a rage of jealousy. The poor woman and I know I added to her pain.

 

I can't believe I let myself sink so low.... I can't even explain why?

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Wow Crystal. Now I am even doubly glad that you are away from this man. He is unashamedly abusive and just an all around awful person. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. What a terribly painful lesson, please take care of you, you will be happier than ever away from this man.

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