Why does it seem like only men are happy cheating and staying married?

[southernpie]

Hi, I'm new here and don't know if this is the right forum to be discussing this in. (I posted on Marriage/Infidelity and this forum, I guess that's allowed?) I've been reading on the Marriage and Other Woman/Man forums and it just seems to me like most of the powerful, married people who are cheating are men. From reading it seems like the man is happy having his cake and eating it too and the women in the situation are the unhappy ones.

 

By that I mean that it often seems like the other woman is attached emotionally to the married man and wants her and the married man to ride off into the sunset and eventually begin a new, committed relationship, while the wife, if she is aware of the infidelity, is hoping that her husband will stop cheating or is kicking him out for cheating. Are there no women who want to have their cake and eat it too? The stable family life and the fun sex on the side? Is this situation mostly peculiar to men? Most of the posts I've seen from women who cheat end up with them staying with their husband or leaving to be with the other man... very rarely does it seem like they stay in both worlds like the men who cheat seem to do, from these posts. I'm just trying to figure out why this is so. It seems to me that if this is the status quo then we women have a few choices, if we could all act collectively of course:

 

1. Stop helping men cheat

2. Stop putting up with our men who cheat

3. If we can't beat him, join him... maybe there's something to this "fling on the side" thing?! Why does it seem that only mean seem to benefit from this?!?!

 

Maybe I'm not making sense but these are the thoughts that are running through my head as I read these forums. I'm interested in hearing from anyone who has any thoughts on this matter. I'm not a judgmental person and am more interested in the human experience so I won't be nasty.

[MizzBella]

There probably are women who enjoy having a husband and a lover on the side, but I think in general men and women cheat for different reasons.

 

Many men cheat for sex, adventure, thrill, etc. My ex-H cheated because I had just had 2 babies and he wasn't getting the sex he wanted from me. But I know he was generally satisfied with our life and friendship.

 

Women cheat to get their emotional needs are met.

 

After having a H who cheated, I can't imagine why any woman would put herself in the position of being the OW. Obviously, the man must lie to get what he wants from the OW... but if OW can muster enough strength to think rationally, she will realize that she is a distant second to his family (at best), that if he cheats on his current wife he will likely do it to her (if their relationship ever gets that far), and that he is a liar (he is lying to his wife, right?).

[crazycatlady]

I disagree that women cheat mainly for emotional reasons. I have read several studies saying that women cheaters are better at keeping their emotions seperate then men are, so are actually less likely to be caught. At least for mostly the physical affairs. Sure there are some who are in emotional affairs and emotional reasons are why they cheated, but I think its probably about equal between why men and women cheat, emotional, physical etc.

 

CCL

[JoyDevine]

Because men are naturally polygamous.

In some cultures, men are allowed to have several wives.

[southernpie]

There probably are women who enjoy having a husband and a lover on the side, but I think in general men and women cheat for different reasons.

 

Many men cheat for sex, adventure, thrill, etc. My ex-H cheated because I had just had 2 babies and he wasn't getting the sex he wanted from me. But I know he was generally satisfied with our life and friendship.

 

Women cheat to get their emotional needs are met.

 

After having a H who cheated, I can't imagine why any woman would put herself in the position of being the OW. Obviously, the man must lie to get what he wants from the OW... but if OW can muster enough strength to think rationally, she will realize that she is a distant second to his family (at best), that if he cheats on his current wife he will likely do it to her (if their relationship ever gets that far), and that he is a liar (he is lying to his wife, right?).

 

This is an explanation that makes sense to me. I'm sure there are women who just want their physical/sexual needs met but it sure seems a lot less common than men. I'm sorry to hear about your experience. Thank you for sharing.

[southernpie]

I disagree that women cheat mainly for emotional reasons. I have read several studies saying that women cheaters are better at keeping their emotions seperate then men are, so are actually less likely to be caught. At least for mostly the physical affairs. Sure there are some who are in emotional affairs and emotional reasons are why they cheated, but I think its probably about equal between why men and women cheat, emotional, physical etc.

 

CCL

 

About women being 'better' at cheating and less likely to get caught. Well I think that might be because it seems to me that women notice things more, we are more observant of other people's behaviors and emotions than MOST men are. Of course there are exceptions. But I would think that a guy tends to live in the here and now and think things are fine, or not want to think about what might be wrong in the relationship and how to fix it, whereas women are USUALLY more analytical and concerned about the well-being of the relationship. (I'm not trying to say that either way is bad, or set in stone. Just some observations, which I could be wrong on.)

 

I would like to read these studies, they sound really interesting. I can see how a woman would want more frequent/more fulfilling sex, just like men. I can also see how men would want their emotional needs met and it always boggles my mind when an older, not-too-attractive but very intelligent and career-driven man marries a younger, attractive, but shallow woman... what do they have in common?! What do they talk about? I always wonder these things but strangely I cannot imagine the older, intelligent man cheating on his pretty wife to get his emotional/intellectual needs met. It makes me wonder if some men really do just view women as sex objects and they get their emotional/intellectual needs met elsewhere, like at work or with their guy friends (on a different level than in a fulfilling emtional relationship of course). And if it's the reverse situation of the young pretty girl and their wife gets fat or ugly or stops having enough sex with them, they will get their sexual/physical needs met elsewhere. That depresses me and I hope it's not true.

 

These are just some thoughts/concerns I've been having about gender differences and I hope I haven't offended anyone because I don't mean to, I'm just thinking out loud. Reading these forums makes me feel hopeless about the state of relationships. Can I ever find a lifelong partner where we both fulfill each other's emotional and sexual needs and stay faithful?? Can a mind find me both intellectually stimulating and super sexy?? It seems like that answer might be a no! These are just the things I'm trying to figure out.

[southernpie]

Because men are naturally polygamous.

In some cultures, men are allowed to have several wives.

 

I often think that humans, not just men, are naturally polygamous. Yet there are benefits to settling down with one mate and some people naturally gravitate to wanting this more than others. I think women in particular feel pressure to have the wife/mother role but I don't know how 'natural' it is for every woman and I think there are definitely men for whom monogamy feels more 'natural' than polygamy would. This may be because of their upbringing or religion or what have you but I do know some men who seem 'naturally' monogamous and family-oriented while others do not.

 

For instance I have a brother who has always wanted to get married and have a large family, and now he is doing just that. Whereas one of my sisters is a happy single and will probably be all her life, or at least until she meets the right man. I think I am more like her than my brother- I 'naturally' feel polygamous, not monogamous, but if I found the right man, I see many benefits to agreeing to spend my entire life devoted just to him. And if he were the right man for me, he would feel the same. (Perhaps these men are rare.)

 

As far as polygamous cultures go. I think men in some other cultures are allowed to have several wives, not necessarily because they're the only ones who feel polygamous, but because of sexism, or patriarchy, or what have you. (And also I guess as a practical matter it is easier to keep track of whose children are whose if only the man is officially allowed to procreate with more than one woman. Ha ha.)