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Never been a BS, but I would venture to guess no betrayed spouse is made aware that this OW was "the love of his life". I mean, do you think he is going to tell his wife this and then ask for another chance?

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I don't understand why someone who stay with one person when another is the love of their life and has an out or is already out. I can see staying under certain circumstances such as the A isn't know, kids, finances, etc, but if the spouse has kicked out the cheater, why would they want to go back if the other person is that person?

 

And while I know my H cares for his AP, loves her, he also loves me. If I were to find out that he did not love me, and only loved her, I would let him go. I wouldn't keep him away from who made him happy though damn what a mess that would be.

 

CCL

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I tried to stay because we had 2 kids - but then I realized it was just too stressful for me.

 

I think sometimes the people having the affair think they have really strong feelings - probably due to the forbidden nature of their relationship, and later realize they were mistaken.

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Fear can cause a MP to stay, even if he's found the love of his life. Fear of losing everything he's built, fear of losing his comfort zone, and fear of losing respect within his family and community.

 

It is a paradox because love conquers fear. If his kids could see the love he feels for his OW, surely they would be happy for him. Just one example.

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GreenEyedLady

I think that alot of BS's just want their H's to stop doing what they're doing and come back to them.

 

I don't think they really think that their H is in love with someone else. They think he's in the fog, or they're in the fog and not ready to see the reality of what their spouse has done and why.

 

And who would the BS believe? The person that vowed to love them til death do you part who from their belief has gone completely nuts, an AP who has an agenda or their experience and history?

 

It's sad on all accounts and hard to put the pieces back together regardless if the M stays intact or the MP and the AP stay together. It takes love, patience, understanding and forgiveness. It is really forging a new beginning either way.

 

GEL

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bentnotbroken

WF, I can honestly say if that had been the case with either of my parents, I don't think I would be all that thrilled. Of course it is conjecture on my part, but respect means a lot to me. Not sure I could respect my parent, love yes, respect or even care.....not so sure??????????????

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WF, I can honestly say if that had been the case with either of my parents, I don't think I would be all that thrilled. Of course it is conjecture on my part, but respect means a lot to me. Not sure I could respect my parent, love yes, respect or even care.....not so sure??????????????

Well I said neither respect nor love, I said happy. I DID go through this with my parents and in the end I was happy for them.

 

I never mentioned my mom's A, did I? It didn't last long but if it had, I'm sure I'd have eventually been happy for her as well.

 

I don't want to force my parents to stay together for MY respect or for MY sake. I truly want to see them HAPPY.

 

But we can agree to disagree.:)

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bentnotbroken
Well I said neither respect nor love, I said happy. I DID go through this with my parents and in the end I was happy for them.

 

I never mentioned my mom's A, did I? It didn't last long but if it had, I'm sure I'd have eventually been happy for her as well.

 

I don't want to force my parents to stay together for MY respect or for MY sake. I truly want to see them HAPPY.

 

But we can agree to disagree.:)

 

 

WF, I wasn't disagreeing with you. I honestly was stating what I thought I would do. I meant I'm not sure I could be happy for them if I didn't respect or love them if they showed me something opposite of what they taught me. KWIM? It would be like they were strangers to me, neither happy or sad.

 

I didn't know your mom had an A, maybe I did. I get every one's stories confused. Sometimes I have to go back and read to get my facts straight. Didn't mean to offend.

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Not all AP's are the love of the WS's life.

 

I don't think there are many BS who would stay with a spouse who is saying an AP is the love of their life.

 

I think for most BS it just does not compute that a WS would reconcile and at the same time make it known to the BS that the AP is the love of his/her life.

 

If the affair is now out in the open and the BS knows and is aware the AP is the love of WS's life then why bother with a faux reconciliation?

 

I can not imagine that a WS telling a BS the AP is the love of his/her life would not Also be asking for a divorce.

 

On the other hand, WW maybe you and I just have different definitions of the word "reconcile" To me reconciling a marriage involves FAR more than just not divorcing. IMO it is impossible to reconcile if the WS thinks the AP is the love of his/her life. There may not be a divorce, but there also is no reconciliation.

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After being with me for 28 years...married 26...my XW went through a mid-life crisis. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, she reconnected with her high school boyfriend...with him initiating the contact. She asked me if it was okay to respond...and since I had never had reason to be jealous of her...saw no problem with it.

 

He was the first love of her life...I was the second. I had never met him but, since we communicated so well...and on such a deep level...I knew of him from the beginning of our relationship. His name would come up over the years as we had no secrets...both of us freely sharing our shared and individual life experiences with our children as well...but there had been no contact until a fateful January earlier this century.

 

Within 7 months...she had fallen back in love with him and was gravely torn by loving us both. They were each other's "firsts"...and his place in her heart was always willing to take him back should the right circumstances arise. He lived 700 miles away...but she made many trips back and forth...busting up his marriage in the process.

 

She wanted time...I tried to give space...but by the time August came around...I'd finely had all I could stand. Never a doormat during these 7 months...but the time had come. The parting was somewhat amicable...definitely emotional on both parts...and I could feel the anguish pouring from her as she drove off. She knew...under no uncertain terms...that there would be no coming back...and parts of her deeply regret it to this day. She moved into his house that August.

 

She is still with him...and they seem to get along fine. We have LC...mainly regarding kids (grown) or health issues. I've met him...and under different conditions...could see him being friendship worthy.

 

She has been lucky enough to have 2 "loves of her life"...while I've had just one.

 

While my story doesn't really fit what the OP was asking...ws compelled to type this.

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Chrome Barracuda

Nope I dont have patiencefor the bullchit!

 

Reguardless love of their livesor not, I would want her to leave. Especially f she treated me like crap, there's only so much a man can take.

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Not here.

 

After our d-day I gave her the opportunity to return and attempt to salvage things.

And then, at some point, she decided to go back to her OM (within 6-8 weeks I figure). And got REAL sneaky about it (enlisted her friend at work to cover for her).

However, someone with a conscience informed me. And later that day I got my proof that she was indeed back talking to him.

I told her it was not fair that she denied herself and her OM a real chance at love...she moved out two weeks later and was served that same week.

 

That's it in a nutshell.

 

And if you're wondering if she is still dating her OM...dunno...she (my xW) has instructed my daughter to NEVER speak about what happens at her place to ANYONE...her play therapist included. Sigh, the dealings with bitter WW...who knew?

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BlueeyedJonesy

My H and I were talking about this exact topic the other day. I would NOT be able to stay with my H if he were in love with someone else..I am a thinker and sometimes I over thnk situations and people. It would drive me insane thinking he was dreaming of someone else...I will not sacrafice my sanity and our hapiness to "keep it all together" I would be goooooone!

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moaningmyrtle
Are there any BSs who reconcile who know their H/W met the love of their life in the AP?

 

My H almost certainly told the OW she was the love of his life and he told me that at the time it felt like a special love.

 

Come d-day he said it was in the past and he no longer felt that way about her - he desperately wanted to stay with me - he said he then knew that I was the love of his life, the one he would love forever and wanted to grow old with. It's a matter of rebuilding faith and trust as to whether I will ever believe him 100%.

 

It certainly feels like he's telling the truth (now) and because she was single and needed him at d-day it looked as though there was an ideal opportunity to break it off with me and be with her. I thinks that's what she wanted.

 

I read an e-mail he sent to her at the height of their affair in which he told her that he loved his wife (me) and that with good fortune he would always be with me, but that he also loved her hoped to be with her always but if/when I found out their A would have to end. Probably he's a true cake-eater!

 

He now tells me he has no love for her although remembers her with fondness. If he told me he still loved her I'm not sure what I would do but I guess we would be finished.

 

Why would the OW have stayed with him knowing that it was his wife he loved and intended to stay with?? Perhaps the answer is the same.

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Are there any BSs who reconcile who know their H/W met the love of their life in the AP?

 

If there are emotions involved in the A, almost all MPs think or feel they have met the love of their lives.

 

This isn't really a realistic thing to ask, IMO. Any WS that actually tells the betrayed that they have found the "love of their lives" and doesn't ask for a divorce, obviously hasn't found the it.

 

There is a lot of projection and transference going on in affairs. Maybe the person that actually feels like they have found the love of their lives isn't the MP at all, but the OP, and then wondering why that "love" hasn't left their spouse for them yet?

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WF, I wasn't disagreeing with you. I honestly was stating what I thought I would do. I meant I'm not sure I could be happy for them if I didn't respect or love them if they showed me something opposite of what they taught me. KWIM? It would be like they were strangers to me, neither happy or sad.

 

I didn't know your mom had an A, maybe I did. I get every one's stories confused. Sometimes I have to go back and read to get my facts straight. Didn't mean to offend.

I didn't think you were disagreeing with me. I think we just had a different focus. For me it was happiness for my parents while for you it was a matter of respect. We all have different needs. For me it is witnessing happiness and for you it is witnessing respect (in marriages).

 

I believe we all come here to imrove. We improve in different ways in different lifetimes. Our experiences cannot be the same yet we can love, be happy, and respect each other in similar ways. In that regard IKWUM (I know what you mean:cool:)

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Not here.

 

After our d-day I gave her the opportunity to return and attempt to salvage things.

And then, at some point, she decided to go back to her OM (within 6-8 weeks I figure). And got REAL sneaky about it (enlisted her friend at work to cover for her).

However, someone with a conscience informed me. And later that day I got my proof that she was indeed back talking to him.

I told her it was not fair that she denied herself and her OM a real chance at love...she moved out two weeks later and was served that same week.

 

That's it in a nutshell.

 

And if you're wondering if she is still dating her OM...dunno...she (my xW) has instructed my daughter to NEVER speak about what happens at her place to ANYONE...her play therapist included. Sigh, the dealings with bitter WW...who knew?

 

 

Wow...JW....I am so sorry for what you went through...I was wondering why you post as much as you do on this particular forum...you are very well worded BTW....I think you want to see change and are not a jerk about it...

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Not all AP's are the love of the WS's life.

 

I don't think there are many BS who would stay with a spouse who is saying an AP is the love of their life.

 

If the affair is now out in the open and the BS knows and is aware the AP is the love of WS's life then why bother with a faux reconciliation?

 

I can not imagine that a WS telling a BS the AP is the love of his/her life would not Also be asking for a divorce.

 

On the other hand, WW maybe you and I just have different definitions of the word "reconcile" To me reconciling a marriage involves FAR more than just not divorcing. IMO it is impossible to reconcile if the WS thinks the AP is the love of his/her life. There may not be a divorce, but there also is no reconciliation.

 

I would agree with this, and it's a reflection of many stories here on LS, that either the OP and/or the WS are deluded when they think they have found the love of their life. I like the way you put it.

 

Because there are so many reconciliations.

 

I wonder about the twighlights and what happens to them - the ones who neither truly reconcile nor D.

 

Guess this would be a poor option for everyone.

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After being with me for 28 years...married 26...my XW went through a mid-life crisis. Thanks to the wonders of the internet, she reconnected with her high school boyfriend...with him initiating the contact. She asked me if it was okay to respond...and since I had never had reason to be jealous of her...saw no problem with it.

 

He was the first love of her life...I was the second. I had never met him but, since we communicated so well...and on such a deep level...I knew of him from the beginning of our relationship. His name would come up over the years as we had no secrets...both of us freely sharing our shared and individual life experiences with our children as well...but there had been no contact until a fateful January earlier this century.

 

Within 7 months...she had fallen back in love with him and was gravely torn by loving us both. They were each other's "firsts"...and his place in her heart was always willing to take him back should the right circumstances arise. He lived 700 miles away...but she made many trips back and forth...busting up his marriage in the process.

 

She wanted time...I tried to give space...but by the time August came around...I'd finely had all I could stand. Never a doormat during these 7 months...but the time had come. The parting was somewhat amicable...definitely emotional on both parts...and I could feel the anguish pouring from her as she drove off. She knew...under no uncertain terms...that there would be no coming back...and parts of her deeply regret it to this day. She moved into his house that August.

 

She is still with him...and they seem to get along fine. We have LC...mainly regarding kids (grown) or health issues. I've met him...and under different conditions...could see him being friendship worthy.

 

She has been lucky enough to have 2 "loves of her life"...while I've had just one.

 

While my story doesn't really fit what the OP was asking...ws compelled to type this.

 

I found your story moving. Thanks for posting. It sounds like you have maintained integrity and compassion through this.

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then why bother leave your H and run after love of your life....which might work for you....you do not have the right to waste anybody's time....

 

you would have left your H anyways if your mm was ready....

 

"Guess this would be a poor option for everyone"

 

no, poor option for your H....

Edited by scorpmale003
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I think for most BS it just does not compute that a WS would reconcile and at the same time make it known to the BS that the AP is the love of his/her life.

 

If the affair is now out in the open and the BS knows and is aware the AP is the love of WS's life then why bother with a faux reconciliation?

 

I can not imagine that a WS telling a BS the AP is the love of his/her life would not Also be asking for a divorce.

 

I have an example in mind of this - Gov and Jenny Sanford. He said that the OW was the love of his life and that he would "try" to fall back in love with his W - yet Jenny wanted to reconcile anyway. And despite believing his "soulmate" was in Argentina, he did not ask for a divorce.

 

People's actions aren't always logical, in fact I think it's pretty rare that they are logical.

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I have an example in mind of this - Gov and Jenny Sanford. He said that the OW was the love of his life and that he would "try" to fall back in love with his W - yet Jenny wanted to reconcile anyway. And despite believing his "soulmate" was in Argentina, he did not ask for a divorce.

 

People's actions aren't always logical, in fact I think it's pretty rare that they are logical.

 

But Jenny Sanford has since filed for divorce. Just because a BS initially decides one thing, reconciliation in the Sanford situation, doesn't mean that there won't be a change of heart later on.

 

It looks like Jenny Sanford was typical of many BS whose WS truly falls for their AP--the BS ends up leaving the marriage.

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I have an example in mind of this - Gov and Jenny Sanford. He said that the OW was the love of his life and that he would "try" to fall back in love with his W - yet Jenny wanted to reconcile anyway. And despite believing his "soulmate" was in Argentina, he did not ask for a divorce.

 

People's actions aren't always logical, in fact I think it's pretty rare that they are logical.

 

 

I don't know if Jenny wanted to reconcile or not. I know her H did make the statements you mentioned. They are now divorcing (she filed) and Jenny has written a book about their marriage and life together.

 

 

IMO there is something seriously wrong with a person who would announce the the press corps that he was off visiting his soulmate in Argentina and then in the next breath say he wants to stay married to his wife.

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Going back years to when my H had a brief affair. On Dday, I asked him whether the OW was the "love of his life" and his answer was "yes". This hurt me beyond words yet I still believed that he and I had something worth fighting for. After an evening from hell, he agreed to try (and he told the OW the next day I guess - they worked together).

 

Anyway we successfully reconciled - over time, when the "fog" cleared, he realised that he was just so confused, screwed up etc that he said yes to my question when that was not how he really felt. Now I know some may question that turnaround and I did for a long time but I don't now. In fact a key thing about our recovery from then was that he was amazed by how strong I was when he told me about his A and that he could not let a woman like that go

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