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I was definitely gaslighted by my H, but did the OW do it deliberately?


moaningmyrtle

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moaningmyrtle

During my H's affair I noticed that my comb, which was kept on a shelf in our bathroom was regularly in a pool of "slimy" water when I got home from work.

 

It only ever happened on the days that I worked (I worked part time) and showered or left for work before my H. I can remember saying something to my H about it and he said it must be something about the way he showered. But it didn't happen regularly and never happened on days when I didn't go into work. I complained regularly for a while but got nowhere, and eventually just used to mop it up without saying anything to him. He may have assumed it stopped, but it didn't until the A was over several years later. At one stage I even made a pool of water in the morning - but although it was still there later in the day it didn't have the same "slimy" quality to it.

 

Years later I realised that it was something to do with the A - in that it happened on days that the OW came to our home when I was at work. My H knew this all the time (hence the 'gaslighting') but what he seems not to know is why and how it happened.

 

I am wondering what it could have been (the mind boggles!) and if she could have done it deliberately?

 

She also used to leave hair things about the house but because we always had a heap of girls in the house (friends and kids etc) I never really caught on that they weren't theirs.

 

Are any OW willing to admit to doing anything like this to deliberately upset the BW?

Edited by moaningmyrtle
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bentnotbroken

For me the answer is an empathic yes!!!! I went to her and asked and she lied. Her actions after weren't designed to harass Mr. Messy, they were designed to harass me. So gas lighting yes.

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moaningmyrtle

Oh yes... and I'm fairly sure now that she used to rearrange and fiddle with my "things" on my dressing table. I can remember being really annoyed and shouting at my kids that they and their friends had to stay out of my bedroom. They looked bemused.

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I find this very creepy.

 

It is hard to imagine the woman who would do this or be empowered by doing this, but they are out there.

 

I had an afternoon at the beach where she invited herself to join us unexpectedly. I believe it was for the sole purpose of checking me out. There is a thread here somewhere on it.

 

It's just too weird, IMO.

 

Not only touching your man but then going out of her way to touch your personal stuff in your bedroom???? Yuck!

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During my H's affair I noticed that my comb, which was kept on a shelf in our bathroom was regularly in a pool of "slimy" water when I got home from work.

 

It only ever happened on the days that I worked (I worked part time) and showered or left for work before my H. I can remember saying something to my H about it and he said it must be something about the way he showered. But it didn't happen regularly and never happened on days when I didn't go into work. I complained regularly for a while but got nowhere, and eventually just used to mop it up without saying anything to him. He may have assumed it stopped, but it didn't until the A was over several years later. At one stage I even made a pool of water in the morning - but although it was still there later in the day it didn't have the same "slimy" quality to it.

 

Years later I realised that it was something to do with the A - in that it happened on days that the OW came to our home when I was at work. My H knew this all the time (hence the 'gaslighting') but what he seems not to know is why and how it happened.

 

I am wondering what it could have been (the mind boggles!) and if she could have done it deliberately?

 

She also used to leave hair things about the house but because we always had a heap of girls in the house (friends and kids etc) I never really caught on that they weren't theirs.

 

Are any OW willing to admit to doing anything like this to deliberately upset the BW?

 

First of all that is gross Moaning...God only knows....a "calling card"?

 

I have been on and off of LS, although during the time that I have been reading this forum I don't remember OW saying or doing anything such as this or even like this. I do remember maybe 2 BW's that posted about OW coming after them in various ways.

 

As far as my circumstances....even during and after the D I wanted nothing to do with "his" or "hers", meaning he has wanted me to go to his house (he got one of the houses) and even with it being "his" now, I still see it as his and hers...you know? Actually he got 2 of the three houses and they are all in a row....

 

I don't think it is appropriate for me to be there on both sides....mine and hers....

 

Moaning, possibly your situation is as weird as mine was...I am very sorry that you got hurt so bad Moaning...FTR All OW aren't like what you were possibly dealing with....IMO the ladies on this forum are quite straight up.

 

Like communicating in other posts/replies, I also have been the BW...I was never threatened by the OW, nor did my ex's gaslight. The problems existed within the confines of the M.

 

I can communicate to you from experience being on every end that gaslighting is a whole different ballgame. Once again that was a very cruel act from whoever....((((hugggssss))))))))

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Moaning, just out of curiosity have you blocked out or having "remembering" experiences? I blocked a lot out with the gaslighting thing because it was so weird.

 

It has really helped me to let it out as I remember it....I mean typing it, then seeing it in print.

 

I just really wish we could all just help each other...

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moaningmyrtle
Moaning, just out of curiosity have you blocked out or having "remembering" experiences? I blocked a lot out with the gaslighting thing because it was so weird.

 

It has really helped me to let it out as I remember it....I mean typing it, then seeing it in print.

 

I just really wish we could all just help each other...

 

I may have; because after the A was revealed I recalled some things, long forgotten, that suddenly had a different meaning. My H also confessed to a number of things which I'd completely forgotten (I think) but when he mentioned them and I thought about them I began to remember more about them.

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That is creepy to think that someone would mess with your things. I'm sure that was very hurtful and a huge invasion of your privacy. I've done some rotten things in my life, things I'm not proud of, but I wouldn't touch another woman's things. That's just me...:)

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During my H's affair I noticed that my comb, which was kept on a shelf in our bathroom was regularly in a pool of "slimy" water when I got home from work.

 

It only ever happened on the days that I worked (I worked part time) and showered or left for work before my H. I can remember saying something to my H about it and he said it must be something about the way he showered. But it didn't happen regularly and never happened on days when I didn't go into work. I complained regularly for a while but got nowhere, and eventually just used to mop it up without saying anything to him. He may have assumed it stopped, but it didn't until the A was over several years later. At one stage I even made a pool of water in the morning - but although it was still there later in the day it didn't have the same "slimy" quality to it.

 

Years later I realised that it was something to do with the A - in that it happened on days that the OW came to our home when I was at work. My H knew this all the time (hence the 'gaslighting') but what he seems not to know is why and how it happened.

 

I am wondering what it could have been (the mind boggles!) and if she could have done it deliberately?

 

She also used to leave hair things about the house but because we always had a heap of girls in the house (friends and kids etc) I never really caught on that they weren't theirs.

 

Are any OW willing to admit to doing anything like this to deliberately upset the BW?

 

It could be conditioner if she washed her hair...only know cos if I do my kids hair with conditioner I get the same 'slimy' pool of water after combing their hair out. Did you ever ask your ex H / H to explain and tell all that happened and answer these questions?

 

I accepted a while back that there were things I'd 'never know' about my ex and his emotional attachment to his female colleague, which ended in a ONS (apparently). I remember him buying me a tape for my b/day (it was a long time ago!) and then it disappearing - got chewed up apparently. Well then a while later (before I found out about them) she told me how much she liked this album (it was quite unknown), and he used to hum a song off it often over that summer.

 

It drove me nuts, and although I realised now it was 'gaslighting' of sorts, it wasn't intentionally done in order to make me feel like I was nuts, it was done to cover up their pseudo relationship. After I found out, I asked her direct for the tape back, and she was shaking when I spoke to her and pretended to not know what I meant. Anyhow, a few weeks later she said she 'found it' at work..haha.

 

Thing is *I* felt awful for making her feel like ****e...to the point her hands were shaking, and she couldn't go to work for days. It didn't feel good at all, so I don't think it was done on purpose by her, and I didn't want to punish her, more let her know that I knew, and step on her boundaries a little too.

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moaningmyrtle
It could be conditioner if she washed her hair...only know cos if I do my kids hair with conditioner I get the same 'slimy' pool of water after combing their hair out. Did you ever ask your ex H / H to explain and tell all that happened and answer these questions?

 

I accepted a while back that there were things I'd 'never know' about my ex and his emotional attachment to his female colleague, which ended in a ONS (apparently). I remember him buying me a tape for my b/day (it was a long time ago!) and then it disappearing - got chewed up apparently. Well then a while later (before I found out about them) she told me how much she liked this album (it was quite unknown), and he used to hum a song off it often over that summer.

 

It drove me nuts, and although I realised now it was 'gaslighting' of sorts, it wasn't intentionally done in order to make me feel like I was nuts, it was done to cover up their pseudo relationship. After I found out, I asked her direct for the tape back, and she was shaking when I spoke to her and pretended to not know what I meant. Anyhow, a few weeks later she said she 'found it' at work..haha.

 

Thing is *I* felt awful for making her feel like ****e...to the point her hands were shaking, and she couldn't go to work for days. It didn't feel good at all, so I don't think it was done on purpose by her, and I didn't want to punish her, more let her know that I knew, and step on her boundaries a little too.

 

I did ask my H at d-day and again after watching the Gaslight movie yesterday. He says he doesn't know, but is emphatic that she never washed her hair at our house.

 

Probably as you say it will remain one of the great unknowns.

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I did ask my H at d-day and again after watching the Gaslight movie yesterday. He says he doesn't know, but is emphatic that she never washed her hair at our house.

 

Probably as you say it will remain one of the great unknowns.

 

he knows - he's just unwilling to tell you the truth.

 

my bet is it's conditioner she used on her hair... that's the only thing that seems to make sense. was there ever hair left in or around the comb? did the hair match her hair color/texture?

 

are you still with your H after knowing that he's willing to participate in the lies to the point of making you feel mentally crazy?

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It was probably unintentional from showering. But, it might have also been a subtle way to get him busted. When xDM was still with his xW, sometimes I wore perfume knowing it would rub off on him and he'd have to explain it. It was borne of frustration with his inaction - but I'm not proud of it.

 

I was in her house, but I don't recall touching anything of hers, other than her shoes, because their dog was eating them and I stopped him. I did some cleaning there with xDM too because she wasn't much of a housekeeper (despite only working part-time), and I did have some curiosity about her - I looked at pictures on the walls and all that, but I never would have opened drawers or anything like that. Funny where my brain drew the line :rolleyes:

 

I did do one thing that could qualify as gaslighting his xW- I sent her a email spoofed to look like an email from marriagebuilders or something like that - she subscribed to a bunch of them. There was nothing untrue in it - it was aimed at trying to help her see that he had mentally checked-out of the marriage (he had by then moved out a month prior and was promising me he'd divorce, but I found out that he was asking her not to divorce him yet). I justified it to myself by trying to be more honest with her than he was - but in retrospect, it was probably me trying to shove him along because he was dragging his feet in ending things. Later that month, she filed for divorce. When I talked to her in December (well after the finalization of the divorce), I admitted to doing this and apologized. The whole relationship with him brought me to do things I would never otherwise do. I'm terribly ashamed of myself actually.

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During my H's affair I noticed that my comb, which was kept on a shelf in our bathroom was regularly in a pool of "slimy" water when I got home from work.

 

It only ever happened on the days that I worked (I worked part time) and showered or left for work before my H. I can remember saying something to my H about it and he said it must be something about the way he showered. But it didn't happen regularly and never happened on days when I didn't go into work. I complained regularly for a while but got nowhere, and eventually just used to mop it up without saying anything to him. He may have assumed it stopped, but it didn't until the A was over several years later. At one stage I even made a pool of water in the morning - but although it was still there later in the day it didn't have the same "slimy" quality to it.

 

Years later I realised that it was something to do with the A - in that it happened on days that the OW came to our home when I was at work. My H knew this all the time (hence the 'gaslighting') but what he seems not to know is why and how it happened.

 

I am wondering what it could have been (the mind boggles!) and if she could have done it deliberately?

 

She also used to leave hair things about the house but because we always had a heap of girls in the house (friends and kids etc) I never really caught on that they weren't theirs.

 

Are any OW willing to admit to doing anything like this to deliberately upset the BW?

 

 

Crikey I would never have done this. No no.

 

But I have funny things I would never have betrayed..

 

Like music

 

Like love.

 

My xMM played a song that was supposed to be important for his BS while we made love. Red Flag!

 

You know, I was so much in xMM mindset that it wouldn't have occured to me to leave clues for his BS.

 

No.

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moaningmyrtle
he knows - he's just unwilling to tell you the truth.

 

my bet is it's conditioner she used on her hair... that's the only thing that seems to make sense. was there ever hair left in or around the comb? did the hair match her hair color/texture?

 

are you still with your H after knowing that he's willing to participate in the lies to the point of making you feel mentally crazy?

 

I don't think he does know; but I could be wrong. After everything else he's admitted to I can't imagine that this could be anything worse. I don't remember about any hair around the comb. My d-day was more than 3 years after the physical part of the A ended and she hasn't been to my house since.

 

As to your last question: Yes we are trying to repair our marriage and so far with a lot of success.

 

About the gaslighting, I said in the other thread:

 

"My H (WS) and I watched it last night. He has always resisted any suggestion that he "gaslighted" me in any way.

 

After seeing the movie he could see how the term has persisted in use for so long. We had quite a discussion about it. I emphasised that I never felt that he deliberately set me up to appear deranged as in the movie. It was more that when some things happened that he realised were explicable by his A, he went to some lengths to convince me they were attributable to something else. Or he simply said he didn't know. He never tried to say something hadn't happened when it had.

 

He seemed really contrite and said he was sorry. All in all seeing the movie was a positive thing for us.

 

There was one particular thing that happened regularly, that I might start another thread about."

 

 

So really it never was to the same extent as in the movie - that would take a particularly abhorrent person in my view. Just the usual dishonesty that goes on in an A in our case - and that is bad.

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I think the most rotten thing was bringing this @#$@# into your home to screw her.

 

this is true - so it is ultimately the H to blame... he allowed her presence in your home... looks as if she showered in your personal space and he's still playing the cover up game - blocking the M from any form of repair or possible rebuilding of trust. this would never be enough for me to stay with him...

 

FULL disclosure is necessary. otherwise the relationship is still being built upon lies.

 

even if he tells - the fact that he brought her to your personal space is a totally disrespectful act and shows such disregard for your M - leaving me to believe that he has such deep rooted anger issues with you - even if shown in such a passive aggressive manner.

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I don't think he does know; but I could be wrong. After everything else he's admitted to I can't imagine that this could be anything worse. I don't remember about any hair around the comb. My d-day was more than 3 years after the physical part of the A ended and she hasn't been to my house since.

 

As to your last question: Yes we are trying to repair our marriage and so far with a lot of success.

 

About the gaslighting, I said in the other thread:

 

"My H (WS) and I watched it last night. He has always resisted any suggestion that he "gaslighted" me in any way.

 

After seeing the movie he could see how the term has persisted in use for so long. We had quite a discussion about it. I emphasised that I never felt that he deliberately set me up to appear deranged as in the movie. It was more that when some things happened that he realised were explicable by his A, he went to some lengths to convince me they were attributable to something else. Or he simply said he didn't know. He never tried to say something hadn't happened when it had.

 

He seemed really contrite and said he was sorry. All in all seeing the movie was a positive thing for us.

 

There was one particular thing that happened regularly, that I might start another thread about."

 

 

So really it never was to the same extent as in the movie - that would take a particularly abhorrent person in my view. Just the usual dishonesty that goes on in an A in our case - and that is bad.

 

 

for the record = half truths or omitting the truth for his benefit (to get out of trouble) is still exactly the same as a blatant lie. he's even willing to make you question your sanity by lying by omission. this is so selfish and self seeking on his part - i don't know how you begin to trust again if you feel he never fessed up to what he really does know or understand.

 

ask him SPECIFIC questions that only involve a yes or no answer...

 

did you have her in our bedroom?

did you have sex with her here?

did she go into my bathroom?

 

see if he's willing to even answer simply with yes or no. see if he's willing to at least TRY and be honest about what he DOES definitely know.

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No, Never did anything like that.

 

It is SICK that she used YOUR COMB for HER hair. That is just gross. WHO does that????

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this is true - so it is ultimately the H to blame... he allowed her presence in your home... looks as if she showered in your personal space and he's still playing the cover up game - blocking the M from any form of repair or possible rebuilding of trust. this would never be enough for me to stay with him...

 

FULL disclosure is necessary. otherwise the relationship is still being built upon lies.

 

even if he tells - the fact that he brought her to your personal space is a totally disrespectful act and shows such disregard for your M - leaving me to believe that he has such deep rooted anger issues with you - even if shown in such a passive aggressive manner.

 

This is such a true statement....the anger..wow, I'm still realising that this was the case even now. This happened to me 10 yrs ago BTW, and I still don't feel its resolved even though a reconciliation is on the cards with my ex H (love is in the air haha)....this brief affair may be the key to our future relationship I feel, and resolving it. Its never been totally resolved for me ie - I never really forgave him

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moaningmyrtle
for the record = half truths or omitting the truth for his benefit (to get out of trouble) is still exactly the same as a blatant lie. he's even willing to make you question your sanity by lying by omission. this is so selfish and self seeking on his part - i don't know how you begin to trust again if you feel he never fessed up to what he really does know or understand.

 

ask him SPECIFIC questions that only involve a yes or no answer...

 

did you have her in our bedroom?

did you have sex with her here?

did she go into my bathroom?

 

see if he's willing to even answer simply with yes or no. see if he's willing to at least TRY and be honest about what he DOES definitely know.

 

I already know the answers to all these questions and many others far more detailed and explicit. She also spent time alone in our bathroom and whatever she did was done then.

 

I think there are definitely degrees of gaslighting but maybe I'm using the word incorrectly. I regard ordinary lying and misdirection as gaslighting as well as the H deliberately making things happen to purposely drive someone crazy. The former happened but not the latter and believe me I would know.

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No, Never did anything like that.

 

It is SICK that she used YOUR COMB for HER hair. That is just gross. WHO does that????

 

a gal that is very mean spirited with tons of vindictiveness in mind. a gal that wants to also mark the territory of a superior's position.

 

think of it like a dog peeing where another dog just peed. it's a total power play.

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I did ask my H at d-day and again after watching the Gaslight movie yesterday. He says he doesn't know, but is emphatic that she never washed her hair at our house.

 

Probably as you say it will remain one of the great unknowns.

 

I was gonna ask what was on the comb, although didn't want to go there...hey, I forgot that you and your H stayed together after D-Day...Moaning I seriously doubt he's gonna be with someone else. I know you want to know stuff....but I think he cares about you or he would have been gone, you know?

 

Don't worry, if you are, he doesnot fit the complete meaning of gaslighting...sure he lied and did some stuff that was way uncool, although he's not gonna do it again :)

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I already know the answers to all these questions and many others far more detailed and explicit. She also spent time alone in our bathroom and whatever she did was done then.

 

I think there are definitely degrees of gaslighting but maybe I'm using the word incorrectly. I regard ordinary lying and misdirection as gaslighting as well as the H deliberately making things happen to purposely drive someone crazy. The former happened but not the latter and believe me I would know.

 

Well then just see it like : maybe she thought she had nits, and put conditioner in her hair and combed it out in your bathroom because she was too much of a skank to have such niceties as *combs* and *conditioner* in her own bathroom. I'm projecting here obviously, but hey, whatever works....;)

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I have deliberately done a few things that would arouse my MM’s W suspicions, but not on a regular or continuous basis. I’ve moved things around on her nightstand and used and moved things in her bathroom and intentionally left hair strands in the bed, bath and living rooms. I do regularly try to leave my scent on MM’s clothes. W has noticed more than once. Calling card?...maybe. I don’t feel bad about her smelling my perfume on his clothes, but I do feel bad about touching her things and such just so she would notice.

Moaningmrytle, I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I was (IDK maybe still am) the type of OW that relished in f*cking with the W by doing things like that. I've done it to other MM/attached I’ve dated. When I follow stories like yours that make his W seem like a “real” person to me, I truly am sorry for many of the things I’ve done. Why I felt like I had to further humiliate the BW by “showing” I was there, I really have no idea.

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