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NC is ripping me apart!


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I joined this forum because I am desperate to find some sort of signifcant support with my situation. I've visited this site many times and for the most part, people on here are awesome and have loads of good advice.

 

Background info: I was involved with an older MM (20 years older) for 2 years and 5 months. We began as work friends but evolved into so much more. Over the course of the affair, we were always together or talking in one way or another. (I saw him 3-4 times a week and EVERY weekend and we talked every day, all throughout the day) In addition to emotionally supporting me, he helped me out financially and urged me to pursue my career dreams and goals.

 

Through this entire ordeal, he lived (and still lives) with his wife. The kids are grown, but they currently provide a home for their grandchildren (4yrs & 8yrs). They do NOT have custody of the grandkids. At first, I wasn't too serious about the relationship whereas he was constantly pushing for more contact. Over time, however, our emotions grew into love and I grew to want more from the relationship.

 

I broke up with him several times because I couldn't deal with being oon the sidelines. Every time I broke up with him, he would extend the olive branch of friendship and we would get back together. He would say to me: "No spouse would ever allow their SO to be away for such long periods of time.." meaning that the relationship between he and his wife was over and that they were together for purely financial reasons. His other excuses for not leaving his wife were that he refused to live below the quality of life he's living at now and yada, yada, yada.

 

Fast forward to Feb 7 (last Sunday): I broke up with him NC. He called me two days (Feb 9, Tue) later to "see how I was doing" and to ask about my daughter (who's grown to love him.) I told him I was taking things day by day but that I didn't want to talk to him so as to move on with my life. At this point, he said my actions prompted him to make some clear cut decisions in his life that he should have done before meeting me. We exchanged "take cares" and ended the conversation.

 

Presently: I have not called/text messaged him since the last time he called me on Tuesday and I feel absolutely miserable! My feelings are definitely akin to withdrawal as I am fine one minute, then crying the next. Seems after I vacated the emotional rollercoaster with him, I'm STILL on one within myself. Note: We are both members of a writing forum and even after NC, I visited his portfolio to see if he had written anything new that pertained to his feelings about our affair - nothing. Until today, he posted an account on finding peace and enjoying the ride of life. This crushed me because while I am in shambles, struggling to pick up the pieces of my shattered soul, he (seems) perfectly fine.

 

My family and friends know about the break-up and have known about everything since we both got together (he has even met my mom!) and they have been supportive as possible, but I don't feel that they can relate. Has anyone out there stuck with NC and came out better on the other side? Every time I have the urge to call/text him, it takes every ounce of strength to occupy my time. It doesn't help, that we've been snowed in for the last couple of days... either

 

Sorry for rambling on, I'm (literally) desperate for help. Thanks

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I'm sorry you're going through so much pain. I know relationships with MM can tear you into a million pieces. But where I used to be blind to certain things, I'm much more aware of the tactics these men use. The truth is, if he truly had your well-being at heart, he'd leave you alone because he knows that he isn't going to leave his marriage and he knows that being with him is holding you back.

 

My xMM used all the excuses in the world to maintain contact with me and I used to be so flattered by it all. I thought it meant something. The truth is, I now know that it was just a way to keep the door open so that we would resume our relationship again. All the words about valuing my friendship, how he understands why I ended it, how is my son doing, I'm a great mom...blah, blah, blah. I now see it as just a bunch of words. Maybe he did love me, maybe he does want to be my friend, but the bottom line is if he is going to stay in his marriage, he needs to leave me alone and he needs to be in his marriage. Recently he sent me a heart on facebook. All it said to me was, 'I want to know if I can con you into sleeping with me again.' He got no response from me. It only annoyed me. I no longer fall for all that and have decided that my contact with him will be very minimal. I wasn't able to do this for a long time but I don't want to be with someone who's married and who only wants me on the side.

 

That dumb comment that your xMM wrote on the writer's site was just a bunch of crap. Just understand that he knew you would see it, so what do you think he wanted you to think? He wanted you to think that he was feeling great about not being with you and that he appreciates his marriage. This "letting go" attitude usually has a way of drawing the person back to them and I'm sure that's exactly what he's hoping for. Please, I know this is hard, but please don't let yourself get sucked into these games and into this relationship. He wasn't kidding you about not wanting to leave his marriage. He has a huge comfort zone there and you are just icing on the cake of his life. But, honestly, he will live without that icing if he has to. I think once you understand that, you might be able to make peace with this. But it does take time.

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Thank you, Angel.

 

Everything you've said is right. I know with time, these feelings shall pass. I just hate the feeling that I have to protect myself from myself. I feel better though having touched base someone's who's actually experienced a similar situation as mine. My family tries to help but all their words just don't seem to cut it.

 

As you said, with time I'll grow to understand more - but I just wish I could rid myself of his phantom right now. So much for instant gratification.

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I know. It's like you just want to jump out of your own skin. It is a really hard process, there's no question. I'm so sorry you're going through it. I've never been a fan of NC but it does have it's values. You just have to do things your way - whatever that may be.

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Has anyone out there stuck with NC and came out better on the other side?

 

Yes, absolutely. You go through cycles of emotions, but eventually, you come out the other side and you feel so refreshed! :bunny:

 

There's a point when you start to feel relief, relief that you no longer have to worry about what he's doing, what he says, why he stays married, what's going on with his wife, blah blah...and you feel 1000 pounds lighter because you don't have that albatross hanging around your neck.

 

And then, later, you will look around and realize how exciting it is to have your future free and open - not mired in the mud of an affair.

 

Good luck. You can do it.:)

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Sullengirl. I have no experience with affairs.

 

Do yourself a favor and move on from this and learn from it. I know it hurts. Take care and God bless.

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Yes, absolutely. You go through cycles of emotions, but eventually, you come out the other side and you feel so refreshed! :bunny:

 

There's a point when you start to feel relief, relief that you no longer have to worry about what he's doing, what he says, why he stays married, what's going on with his wife, blah blah...and you feel 1000 pounds lighter because you don't have that albatross hanging around your neck.

 

And then, later, you will look around and realize how exciting it is to have your future free and open - not mired in the mud of an affair.

 

Good luck. You can do it.:)

 

Thank you so much for your encouragement. The pain becomes more bearable each day. I went to work today with a completely new outlook. I know that this was a misstep that I am learning from.:)

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Sullengirl. I have no experience with affairs.

 

Do yourself a favor and move on from this and learn from it. I know it hurts. Take care and God bless.

 

 

I think I'll take yours and everyone else's advice and move on from this. I'm not looking back and I'm just grateful to have a support system here.

 

Thanks for your response!

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Read this

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220970/

 

And I have to ask - why in the world would you introduce and have your child grow to love a man who is MARRIED? Sorry, but I am just amazed at the way so many invite these married men into their lives and get their children involved. :(

 

It is one thing if the guy is ACTIVELY seeking to end his marriage, but to have this man, who is married and goes home to his wife at the end of the day and has made NO MOVES to leave his wife....

 

And you aren't done with him. He will call again and you will talk to him. You are looking on line to see if he misses you like you miss him.

 

Where is this relationship going? Is he making moves to divorce? How long are you willing to be his mistress? Is he feeding you the standard lines about how bad his marriage is? How he can't decide? How he needs time?

 

:( Sorry, been reading too many stories - almost identical - of women getting involved with married men for years and then being hurt when nothing more comes out of it than being the mistress.

 

These men are LOVING this -- the attention of two women willing to do do whatever they want, telling them how great they are. I mean, why should he make any changes --- he has everything he wants.

 

And in the end, you (and/or the wife) are going to get hurt because of all the games he is playing.

 

If you want this to be over - the END IT. Stop reading his stuff, don't text him, don't call him.

 

MOURN the relationship and grieve it. But END it. OR continue to be the OW. YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE!

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Read this

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t220970/

 

And I have to ask - why in the world would you introduce and have your child grow to love a man who is MARRIED? Sorry, but I am just amazed at the way so many invite these married men into their lives and get their children involved. :(

 

It is one thing if the guy is ACTIVELY seeking to end his marriage, but to have this man, who is married and goes home to his wife at the end of the day and has made NO MOVES to leave his wife....

 

And you aren't done with him. He will call again and you will talk to him. You are looking on line to see if he misses you like you miss him.

 

Where is this relationship going? Is he making moves to divorce? How long are you willing to be his mistress? Is he feeding you the standard lines about how bad his marriage is? How he can't decide? How he needs time?

 

:( Sorry, been reading too many stories - almost identical - of women getting involved with married men for years and then being hurt when nothing more comes out of it than being the mistress.

 

These men are LOVING this -- the attention of two women willing to do do whatever they want, telling them how great they are. I mean, why should he make any changes --- he has everything he wants.

 

And in the end, you (and/or the wife) are going to get hurt because of all the games he is playing.

 

If you want this to be over - the END IT. Stop reading his stuff, don't text him, don't call him.

 

MOURN the relationship and grieve it. But END it. OR continue to be the OW. YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE!

 

 

I know that FooledOnce, which is why I ENDED IT (hence xMM). I think I understand the ramifications of an A, and the toll it has taken on my spirit. I have now been NC for a week and am still going strong. Don't get me wrong, I've failed on prior attempts at breaking things off with him, but I did not succeed because I did not exercise NC.

 

Yes, I looked online to see if he missed me (I am a human being with a time invested in him), but that still didn't prompt me to contact him.

 

Yes, it's true that:

 

1. for the past several days I've been fighting myself

2. I was close to texting/emailing him MANY times

3. I STILL miss him & his companionship

 

BUT!

 

I've RETAINED MY RESOLVE because:

 

1. I've come so far in such a small amount of time.

2. The difference between me today and me 7 days ago is that I recognize what a B***S*** situation I've put myself in.

3. I am not negating all of my progress for the same empty promise. (I now realize 100% that it is an empty one)

4. The ppl on this site have actually experienced similar situations, so I'm able to completely disclose all my trials w/out prejudice or misunderstanding and I feel stronger in that.

 

As far as my daughter is concerned, I introduced her to him thinking that this guy was going to take some serious steps toward divorce. His absence in her life will be discussed with her at length and I know she'll understand -- in time.

 

In a nutshell, a person changes his/her situation when he/she is ready. When I found myself on my knees, (feeling empty yet again), crying and begging God to show me the way, I realized I was done with this whole ordeal.

 

I AM NOT LOOKING BACK.

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Yes, absolutely. You go through cycles of emotions, but eventually, you come out the other side and you feel so refreshed! :bunny:

 

There's a point when you start to feel relief, relief that you no longer have to worry about what he's doing, what he says, why he stays married, what's going on with his wife, blah blah...and you feel 1000 pounds lighter because you don't have that albatross hanging around your neck.

 

And then, later, you will look around and realize how exciting it is to have your future free and open - not mired in the mud of an affair.

 

Good luck. You can do it.:)

 

Norajane is right, you just don't care anymore...actually you find you have more interest in dusting your furnature!

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Norajane is right, you just don't care anymore...actually you find you have more interest in dusting your furnature!

 

LOL!! I WILL be there pureinheart! Since I've returned to work, I feel a million times better, and not in the slightest worried about him. I'm delving into my studies and my self and I'm going to focus on these things...

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LOL!! I WILL be there pureinheart! Since I've returned to work, I feel a million times better, and not in the slightest worried about him. I'm delving into my studies and my self and I'm going to focus on these things...

 

 

Good Girl!!:)

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Can I ask....what has lead to this latest round of NC?

Was it him ending it?

Was it you ending it?

 

 

Let me start by saying I have tried to end this relationship b4 like 3 or 4 times w/ the whole "let's remain friends bit". He never tried to end the relationship with me. I would eventually wind up back with him because he would say, "now we'll never know what could've been." At these times he would also take the stance that we could "talk through" my insecurities with the relationship because he whole heartedly affirmed that he stayed with his wife for financial purposes only and I BELIEVED HIM. All in all, the friends quip was just a way to remain in my psyche.

 

Now even though I went back, I would always wind up in some sort of stupor (sometimes w/ reason, sometimes w/out reason) after pretending for a while that we weren't in an A and that we were actually in a healthy realtionship.

 

THIS TIME, I was talking to my parents (my mom met him, my dad did not) and OUT OF THE BLUE she said "your father doesn't want you with the MM because he's too old for you and your relationship is going no where. Your father (and I) would like to one day see you married and possibly with more kids." You know typical parent stuff except...

 

I haven't really been on any kind of terms with my dad AT ALL for various reasons and just recently have we began the process of patching up the past. Up until this circumstance in my life, he has NEVER commented on what I do, how I carry myself, how I raise my daughter, etc. When my mom told me what he said, I felt my dad sent the message that:

 

1. He genuinely cares for me.

2. He's a guy with more insight into these types of situations (my mom and dad have been married for 26 years and I know my dad has had A's in the past that they've dealt with and are still together) so he probably knows what he's talking about.

 

These two seemingly insignificant shifts in my relationship to my dad spurned a chain of events where I sort of "woke up" to the B*** S*** that was being fed to me by the MM. His words were a slap in the face.

 

I talked to my sister and I talked to my best friend, both of whom are no holds barre women but are not quick to meddle in my affairs (no pun intended) unless I ask for thier advice. Since my ears were open, they both talked to me about what they observed. My sister's stance was that he's a liar, why would you want someone like that? My friend' stance was that he was a liar, because no to ppl with grown kids stay together for grandchildren that they don't have custody for. Honestly, they were just glad that I had started to come around to clear thinking and have been there for me to talk about everything with me.

 

Another contributing factor was that MM was starting to seem immature to me in that in the last few weeks leading up to NC, he kept demanding my time while I was trying to do other things (i.e. I would be researching a topic on my cpu and he would get angry that I wasn't paying him attention.) Or he would say something like, " I want to watch the game by myself" in response to my offer to watch it with him... then become upset during a commercial or break that I wasn't there to watch the game with him! That type of S*** started to wear on me as well.

 

And I think the main reason I decided to go end it with him for good was that this time, when I hit rock bottom... I REALLY hit rock-bottom. I'm talking I was on my knees BEGGING God to get me out of this mess. I googled "how to end an affair" and started reading forums and articles on NC and the benefits of NC. I made my mind up to end this once and for all.

 

This time when I broke up with him he said the same things like, "[He] can't just break up what took 20+ years to establish according to your time line." He also said I was selfish because I was "ripping his heart out yet again." My response this time was, "well now that I'll be out of the picture, you'll have all the time in the world to dissolve your marriage how you want to." I countered that he was selfish because he was still having an A with me after 2+ years. I also took the moral stance with him and pressed it hard. (He's Catholic, I'm Christian) I told him that I didn't just want to be a person who speaks about spirituality/faith without action. He couldn't respond, so he saids take care and left.

 

Whew! I think reliving these events through this forum help me see how great of a decision I made. Sorry to be so long winded...

 

I guess you can say this latest round of NC was a couple of things

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