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Is OP Behavior Dependent On BS Behavior?


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I really have no idea of what forum this thread is more appropriate for, so forgive me if it seems out of place here in OW/OM.

 

In MBEG's thread about lying to the AP, I agreed with another poster that said the OP was basically lying to themselves in the A so it was inevitable that they would lie to the AP.

 

As usually happens here, another poster put that the BS does it too, when that really had nothing to do with what the OP was asking, or the post that I agreed with.

 

My question is, do OPs really base all their decisions in the affair on what the betrayed is or isn't doing? It just seems like every time someone says something admittedly unflattering about the position of the OP, an OP has to compare that with the plight of the betrayed.

 

I hope we can be civil with this discussion. I just didn't want to tj another thread today.

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GreenEyedLady

I based my own decisions on what I needed and wanted out of my relationship. I was unaware of the betrayed for a significant amount of time so that was not a factor. When that came to light, my decisions were still based on what I needed and wanted and did not factor the betrayed in at all. I hate to say it like that, but that is the honest truth.

 

I think that the comparison between the OP and the BS occurs because both are faced with behaviors that are less than desired. So one can argue: I'm the one he comes home to, as opposed to: Well, you got my seconds or you're sharing him just as much as I am.

 

I would think it's like a defense mechanism. When a person loves someone, they justify the behavior to make it seem like they're MORE on top, when in actuality neither is getting a better deal, both positions suck.

 

Furthermore, one would have to have inside information on the BS in the first place. I didn't want to know about her or spend any of our time discussing her or what she was/was not doing. I was concerned with our R. The focus was on us, not them.

 

I do not believe that lying is inevitable. It is a choice that a person makes. It is a choice that takes other people's choices away and places that person at a definite disadvantage. Now of course when a MP begins an A, it is inevitable that they are lying to at least one people, if only by omission. As MP we shouldn't need to ask our spouse if he/she's cheated on us today.

 

I don't understand why OP's insist that their MP does not lie to them. The fact is you really don't know. You trust what they tell you, but when a man (or woman) is actively cheating they have one goal in mind: to keep the status quo. And they will say what they need to say to make that a reality.

 

GEL

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bentnotbroken
I based my own decisions on what I needed and wanted out of my relationship. I was unaware of the betrayed for a significant amount of time so that was not a factor. When that came to light, my decisions were still based on what I needed and wanted and did not factor the betrayed in at all. I hate to say it like that, but that is the honest truth.

 

I think that the comparison between the OP and the BS occurs because both are faced with behaviors that are less than desired. So one can argue: I'm the one he comes home to, as opposed to: Well, you got my seconds or you're sharing him just as much as I am.

 

I would think it's like a defense mechanism. When a person loves someone, they justify the behavior to make it seem like they're MORE on top, when in actuality neither is getting a better deal, both positions suck.

 

Furthermore, one would have to have inside information on the BS in the first place. I didn't want to know about her or spend any of our time discussing her or what she was/was not doing. I was concerned with our R. The focus was on us, not them.

 

I do not believe that lying is inevitable. It is a choice that a person makes. It is a choice that takes other people's choices away and places that person at a definite disadvantage. Now of course when a MP begins an A, it is inevitable that they are lying to at least one people, if only by omission. As MP we shouldn't need to ask our spouse if he/she's cheated on us today.

 

I don't understand why OP's insist that their MP does not lie to them. The fact is you really don't know. You trust what they tell you, but when a man (or woman) is actively cheating they have one goal in mind: to keep the status quo. And they will say what they need to say to make that a reality.

 

GEL

 

 

I agree that when one isn't ready to face what is in front of them, we all need a way to defend our view. It is human nature. Whether we are talking love entanglements, jobs, family or politics. Our views are usually solidified pretty early on. It is hard for some of us to give up those views, especially in the name of love.

 

Of course AP are lied to. The relationship as you say is built on keeping the status quo. I read something recently that the person we lie to the most is ourselves. Probably the most damage we do are the lies we tell ourselves. As long as we lie to ourselves we never have to face what is in front of us. We never give ourselves the opportunity to deal with what whatever the issue. I can only speak for myself but fear was one of the reasons I didn't want to look at the lies I was about to tell myself. I didn't lie to my kids, there was no reason to lie to myself either.

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jennie-jennie

The BS in my case is as far as I understand a nice and good woman. I don't know her however, and she is not the one I am having a relationship with, so she is of little importance in my life. I am sorry though that the relationship I am having is hurting her.

 

On the other hand, the BS on LS are people who I have daily contact with. So any comment of the kind mentioned in the OP from me is to be seen in that light, as a response to the BS here on LS. Could this be true of other OW as well?

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For me, the A was completely based on the W and if she cared whether her H was having an A. If she cared, then I wanted to be with him. If she didn’t, then I wasn’t interested, but my A wasn’t a “normal” A. I don’t think most OPs base their decisions around the BS. I think most feel like GEL stated: “I didn't want to know about her or spend any of our time discussing her or what she was/was not doing. I was concerned with our R. The focus was on us, not them.” Personally, I wanted to know about the W and what she was/wasn’t doing. On my part, she was the glue that held the A together. Now, I still want to know about the W, but for different reasons. I use the info to try to gauge how he feels about me and where I am in the hierarchy compared to his W. She has become less and less the inspiration of me wanting to be with him.

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Interesting thread, NID.....

 

I know he lied to me, and on many levels, he lied to himself on almost a daily basis in projecting his internal misery onto all of us, making us miserable and then using that excuse to run to her.

 

Wow, my head hurts.

 

In the aftermath of DDay, all his lying to her too became apparent and disclosed.

 

I think he thought his feelings were true, and they probably were for him at that point in time, but his perceptions of his reality was way off the mark.

 

I wasn't evil, she wasn't perfect, and his misery was mostly of his own making.

 

Avoiding his own conflict? Most definitely.

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I based my own decisions on what I needed and wanted out of my relationship. I was unaware of the betrayed for a significant amount of time so that was not a factor. When that came to light, my decisions were still based on what I needed and wanted and did not factor the betrayed in at all. I hate to say it like that, but that is the honest truth.

 

I think that the comparison between the OP and the BS occurs because both are faced with behaviors that are less than desired. So one can argue: I'm the one he comes home to, as opposed to: Well, you got my seconds or you're sharing him just as much as I am.

 

I would think it's like a defense mechanism. When a person loves someone, they justify the behavior to make it seem like they're MORE on top, when in actuality neither is getting a better deal, both positions suck.

 

Furthermore, one would have to have inside information on the BS in the first place. I didn't want to know about her or spend any of our time discussing her or what she was/was not doing. I was concerned with our R. The focus was on us, not them.

 

I do not believe that lying is inevitable. It is a choice that a person makes. It is a choice that takes other people's choices away and places that person at a definite disadvantage. Now of course when a MP begins an A, it is inevitable that they are lying to at least one people, if only by omission. As MP we shouldn't need to ask our spouse if he/she's cheated on us today.

 

I don't understand why OP's insist that their MP does not lie to them. The fact is you really don't know. You trust what they tell you, but when a man (or woman) is actively cheating they have one goal in mind: to keep the status quo. And they will say what they need to say to make that a reality.

 

GEL

 

Hey, thanks for the response. I agree with a lot of what you have said. I didn't want to thread jack the lying thread with the question about basing one's own reactions on another party, so I brought it here.

 

I accept that lying is involved in affairs. Period. Whether known or not. But my main question was about the fact that another poster brought up the BS in a thread about whether the OP ever lied to the AP. And because it was started by a MW, she AND her MM were "APs" and "OPs" at the same time.

 

I agree that the OPs are dealing with less than desirable behaviors, but they know about some of them up front if they know they are dealing with an A.

 

It happens a lot here when a poster that has been identified as a non-OP posts something that is not flattering, but not insulting, about an OP's actions, they say, "well, the BS does it too". Its a very defensive stance, to me. And I can't imagine it makes anyone feel more secure to compare their position to that of the other party in the triangle.

 

Thanks again.

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The BS in my case is as far as I understand a nice and good woman. I don't know her however, and she is not the one I am having a relationship with, so she is of little importance in my life. I am sorry though that the relationship I am having is hurting her.

 

On the other hand, the BS on LS are people who I have daily contact with. So any comment of the kind mentioned in the OP from me is to be seen in that light, as a response to the BS here on LS. Could this be true of other OW as well?

 

Thanks Jennie-Jennie. I can appreciate what you are saying about the BS in your situation, but its usually said in a general matter. And its general on both sides. A non-OP poster puts forth that an OP is lying to themselves, and it almost always inevitably follows as a retort that the BS is doing the same as if that somehow justifies it.

 

Just doesn't seem to be a healthy way of relating to me.

 

I agree with GEL that to do that kind of comparison one has to be hearing about the BS, and I can't imagine ever wanting to do that. I'm a little too selfish and self-concerned to care about the OP in this type of equation. I never wanted to hear about what the GF/fiance was doing. I didn't care if she found my gifts, that weren't ever big things to begin with. I didn't care to hear about how she liked sex, what she did or didn't do because it wasn't going to change what I did or didn't do.

 

I don't think anyone on LS is intending these generalizations to be personal. I just find it an odd way to justify a behavior.

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For me, the A was completely based on the W and if she cared whether her H was having an A. If she cared, then I wanted to be with him. If she didn’t, then I wasn’t interested, but my A wasn’t a “normal” A. I don’t think most OPs base their decisions around the BS. I think most feel like GEL stated: “I didn't want to know about her or spend any of our time discussing her or what she was/was not doing. I was concerned with our R. The focus was on us, not them.” Personally, I wanted to know about the W and what she was/wasn’t doing. On my part, she was the glue that held the A together. Now, I still want to know about the W, but for different reasons. I use the info to try to gauge how he feels about me and where I am in the hierarchy compared to his W. She has become less and less the inspiration of me wanting to be with him.

 

Skylarblue

 

I always appreciate your posts and their scathing honesty, even when it might paint you in a bad light. I was very much like you in that I lost interest in a guy if no one else wanted him. Shamefully true. If a girl crossed me, I went after her SO with a vengeance. I never had one turn me down. They were just too flattered to know they were being used in a competition between me and their GFs.

 

I don't remember why or how I out grew this. I just know that I did. And its probably why I didn't want to hear anything about the other side of the triangle and know it won't change my actions, if I were in the situation. Truth be told, I probably realized one day that I really wanted a particular guy and realized I had to get him on my own merits not on the info I gleaned and manipulated out of the guy. I think I based what I felt we had on what we had, not on what it compared to.

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Back during my affair, I knew very little about the BS. I knew what the main issue was that caused the first separation and in my mind and his, I'm sure that gave us some kind of justification for what we were doing even though we both felt that it was inherently wrong. When he went back to the marriage after the separation, I would tell myself that I didn't have to feel as bad about it because he went back with no intention to stay and he would soon leave, but now I see that was Bull ****e thinking on both of our parts. I now think that knowing so little about her, made me feel less guilty, and that it made his relationship with her less real.

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jennie-jennie
Thanks Jennie-Jennie. I can appreciate what you are saying about the BS in your situation, but its usually said in a general matter. And its general on both sides. A non-OP poster puts forth that an OP is lying to themselves, and it almost always inevitably follows as a retort that the BS is doing the same as if that somehow justifies it.

 

Just doesn't seem to be a healthy way of relating to me.

 

I agree with GEL that to do that kind of comparison one has to be hearing about the BS, and I can't imagine ever wanting to do that. I'm a little too selfish and self-concerned to care about the OP in this type of equation. I never wanted to hear about what the GF/fiance was doing. I didn't care if she found my gifts, that weren't ever big things to begin with. I didn't care to hear about how she liked sex, what she did or didn't do because it wasn't going to change what I did or didn't do.

 

I don't think anyone on LS is intending these generalizations to be personal. I just find it an odd way to justify a behavior.

 

It is not to justify a behavior, it is part of the rhetoric between OW and BS on LS, in my opinion.

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You know NID, I don't know (also am not sure if I am interpreting your question correctly, as you are very right about the filter thing).

 

Could my decision have been slighted as exDM communicated for a couple of years...we worked together 2 separate times in this 2 years...so he had managed to be saying the same thing...appearing consistant about the M basically being over.

 

Was my decision slighted as I lived 10 min away from the Pentagon and indirectly was involved in 9/11, also at the same time my H was UA from the USMC, leaving me stuck in VA.

 

Was I traumatized to the degree that I was not able to see him as M per sey...I didnot see him as M in the sense of a true functional M (like I know or knew what one was). I saw his M as something he needed to get away from, that together they were toxic.

 

Now as far as what I have heard from exDM, they seem to be doing better than when they were M....she is happy...although I do not know if she is still toxic or not...I know he is....

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silverplanets
Interesting thread, NID.....

 

I wasn't evil, she wasn't perfect, and his misery was mostly of his own making.

 

 

Amen to that !! :):):)

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My question is, do OPs really base all their decisions in the affair on what the betrayed is or isn't doing? It just seems like every time someone says something admittedly unflattering about the position of the OP, an OP has to compare that with the plight of the betrayed.

 

I hope we can be civil with this discussion. I just didn't want to tj another thread today.

 

I guess my first question is why does anyone even need to make statements that are competitive in that way in general? Yes its not unusual for an OP to say I know he loves me because or the BS is so awful that of course he loves me more (that is their truth)

 

And I would assume that someone who has been the BS may take umbrage at that. Or sometimes the plain facts stated by the OP are such that they are clearly biased or totally kidding themselves.

 

I never based ANY decisions on what his W was doing (well other than that I try to avoid contact when I see her if its not blatantly rude not to speak to her and this is years after the fact).

 

I never understood why some OP get fixated on the BS. In most of these cases the OP wants the WS to leave. In those cases the resolution is ulimately about whether the WS wants to leave and has the guts to take a stand and act on it.

 

Im not sure that my answer is responsive. Im not sure I understood your questoin but I think the whole notion of an OP fixating on the BS and saying I am in a better position is just so much justification in many cases.

 

The only one who is in a better position is the cake eater. Once a OP wants someone to leave and hes not leaving, neither woman is in an enviable position.

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jennie-jennie
I guess my first question is why does anyone even need to make statements that are competitive in that way in general?

 

JJ, you hit the nail on the head. :bunny::bunny::bunny:

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I based my own decisions on what I needed and wanted out of my relationship. I was unaware of the betrayed for a significant amount of time so that was not a factor. When that came to light, my decisions were still based on what I needed and wanted and did not factor the betrayed in at all. I hate to say it like that, but that is the honest truth.

 

I think that the comparison between the OP and the BS occurs because both are faced with behaviors that are less than desired. So one can argue: I'm the one he comes home to, as opposed to: Well, you got my seconds or you're sharing him just as much as I am.

 

I would think it's like a defense mechanism. When a person loves someone, they justify the behavior to make it seem like they're MORE on top, when in actuality neither is getting a better deal, both positions suck.

 

Furthermore, one would have to have inside information on the BS in the first place. I didn't want to know about her or spend any of our time discussing her or what she was/was not doing. I was concerned with our R. The focus was on us, not them.

 

I do not believe that lying is inevitable. It is a choice that a person makes. It is a choice that takes other people's choices away and places that person at a definite disadvantage. Now of course when a MP begins an A, it is inevitable that they are lying to at least one people, if only by omission. As MP we shouldn't need to ask our spouse if he/she's cheated on us today.

 

I don't understand why OP's insist that their MP does not lie to them. The fact is you really don't know. You trust what they tell you, but when a man (or woman) is actively cheating they have one goal in mind: to keep the status quo. And they will say what they need to say to make that a reality.

 

GEL

 

GEL, excellent post! I agree with all of it, especially the bolded parts!

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I really have no idea of what forum this thread is more appropriate for, so forgive me if it seems out of place here in OW/OM.

 

In MBEG's thread about lying to the AP, I agreed with another poster that said the OP was basically lying to themselves in the A so it was inevitable that they would lie to the AP.

 

As usually happens here, another poster put that the BS does it too, when that really had nothing to do with what the OP was asking, or the post that I agreed with.

 

My question is, do OPs really base all their decisions in the affair on what the betrayed is or isn't doing? It just seems like every time someone says something admittedly unflattering about the position of the OP, an OP has to compare that with the plight of the betrayed.

 

I hope we can be civil with this discussion. I just didn't want to tj another thread today.

The question seems really vague to me so I'm not sure how to answer it.

 

I only know what my needs are and how to obtain them so I don't believe the BS factors in to that at all. So if you are asking if she 'is doing xyz' in the kitchen or in the bedroom it really doesn't matter to me. I know who I am, what I want, and how to get it.

 

Unless you are merely asking if we make plans based on the plans the BS has? If I know she'll be busy for 8 hours on a Tuesday, then yes, I'll plan to take the day off and spend it with MM. Is that what you mean?

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My question is' date=' do OPs really base all their decisions in the affair on what the betrayed is or isn't doing? [/quote']

 

OTOH, I agree with GEL that our R was about us and not about them, so in that sense she - and what she did or didn't do - was completely irrelevant. He didn't discuss her at all, and I didn't ask (If I was into a menage a trois it would be me and two guys, not me and some other woman squabbling over a guy! :p ) She was a kind of background factor in his demographics, that's all (his nationality, hair colour, eye colour, marital status, parenthood status, height, weight, etc).

 

OTOH, she was very material to the R, in that - without her existence - the R would not have happened at all.

 

From my side - had he not been (supposedly happily) M, I wouldn't have ticked him on the "possible" list and would not have checked him out any further, chemistry or not.

 

From his side - had he been M to anyone else, he would probably have been genuinely happy, have not had cavernous unmet - and unacknowledged - needs deep inside himself that allowed him to respond to some random woman hitting on him in a foreign country.

 

So in that sense, who she was and that she was created the conditions to make the A a possibility at its outset.

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It is not to justify a behavior, it is part of the rhetoric between OW and BS on LS, in my opinion.

 

As in, "Why are you picking on me, when the guys on your team are doing the same only worse"...?

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Hey, thanks for the response. I agree with a lot of what you have said. I didn't want to thread jack the lying thread with the question about basing one's own reactions on another party, so I brought it here.

 

I accept that lying is involved in affairs. Period. Whether known or not. But my main question was about the fact that another poster brought up the BS in a thread about whether the OP ever lied to the AP. And because it was started by a MW, she AND her MM were "APs" and "OPs" at the same time.

 

I agree that the OPs are dealing with less than desirable behaviors, but they know about some of them up front if they know they are dealing with an A.

 

It happens a lot here when a poster that has been identified as a non-OP posts something that is not flattering, but not insulting, about an OP's actions, they say, "well, the BS does it too". Its a very defensive stance, to me. And I can't imagine it makes anyone feel more secure to compare their position to that of the other party in the triangle.

 

Thanks again.

 

I actually brought the BS into the other thread to illustrate that the lies OW tell themselves are sometimes similar to the lies BS tell themselves. I wasn't saying 'nah nah they do it too'...I was comparing the similarities and types of lying in the affairs. I am sorry if this didn't sit well with you...you've noted it felt defensive and last night when I saw this thread I felt the same thing about it!

 

So...I'm going to apologize for the misunderstanding and now respond!

 

When the A started I was acutely aware of the BS...I had been one in my twenties and I'd seen my mother live through As with my father. I kept telling MM that he shouldn't go outside the marriage and it was a mistake and he should find other ways of fixing things. There were long discussions and explanations of how they had worked on trying to fix it and none of it had worked. She was a lovely woman, good wife and mother, but hated sex and he was tired of begging and rejection...period. So I had a very high awareness of her.

 

Once my feelings developed and our R grew I was much like GEL...I had no concern for her. He had none and she was his responsibility. I wanted to spend my time with him talking about us and our respective kids and planning more time together. She was never an issue in my mind.

 

In November we had a DDay and I thought that was it. In a week he was back in touch...we started seeing each other again, phone calls and emails kept going strong as ever. Then in January another DDay came along and she took him back again...I thought it was done and a few weeks later he was back. The reason I mention DDays is because my thoughts to her have changed yet again. The first DDay I thought...fair enough...he always said he'd go back and she took him back so he did. I hoped (grudgingly) it was a short sharp shock and they would fix what's broken. Then he contacted me a week later and by mid December we met again and it was going almost as strong as it had been before. Another DDay in January and she took him back again. He was in touch a few weeks later and is now trying to figure out how we can meet...I don't think of her at all now.

 

He's never had an A before me and there are 2 DDays in 3 months. I can understand her holding on the first time and seeing if it could work out, but the second? Never. I'm very much neutral to her now...at the beginning of the A I kept thinking of how he was hurting her and now I look at it like why would she put herself in that situation again?

 

I'd agreed to let go the first time so they could repair things if he really wanted to...it doesn't appear that he does. I wish he would be honest with her, but that's his choice.

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He's never had an A before me and there are 2 DDays in 3 months. I can understand her holding on the first time and seeing if it could work out, but the second? Never. I'm very much neutral to her now...at the beginning of the A I kept thinking of how he was hurting her and now I look at it like why would she put herself in that situation again?

 

 

So, since the BS has not thrown him out permanently, who cares what she is feeling/thinking now? In other words, since she has taken him back once more, she must have no self-respect?

 

But no one knows what is actually going through the BS's mind at this point. Sure, she has appeared to have taken him back but I don't think that it is all moonlight and roses for her/them now. She has her WS back and all is good? Not even remotely likely.

 

I think you wrote that they had been married for 30 years. It's never easy, in any circumstance, to dissolve a 30 year marriage. Perhaps she is trying to figure out what to do next. Maybe she is considering the impact on her children. Maybe she is trying to see if there is a snowball's chance in h*ll that her marriage could be saved.

 

It's a complicated process to end a long-term marriage and if the MM/WH had always been faithful for all those years, perhaps the BS is trying to figure out if it is salvageable. She likely still loves her husband and those feelings don't die quickly, despite the betrayal.

 

There is this expectation sometimes that once an infidelity has occurred that the BS (who was very likely blindsided by the whole thing) will know exactly what to do with the marriage immediately, i.e. divorce. That the BS will immediately stop loving the WS and that will be the end.

 

Sometimes it takes awhile for the BS to figure it out...and not just a couple of months.

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So, since the BS has not thrown him out permanently, who cares what she is feeling/thinking now? In other words, since she has taken him back once more, she must have no self-respect?

 

But no one knows what is actually going through the BS's mind at this point. Sure, she has appeared to have taken him back but I don't think that it is all moonlight and roses for her/them now. She has her WS back and all is good? Not even remotely likely.

 

I think you wrote that they had been married for 30 years. It's never easy, in any circumstance, to dissolve a 30 year marriage. Perhaps she is trying to figure out what to do next. Maybe she is considering the impact on her children. Maybe she is trying to see if there is a snowball's chance in h*ll that her marriage could be saved.

 

It's a complicated process to end a long-term marriage and if the MM/WH had always been faithful for all those years, perhaps the BS is trying to figure out if it is salvageable. She likely still loves her husband and those feelings don't die quickly, despite the betrayal.

 

There is this expectation sometimes that once an infidelity has occurred that the BS (who was very likely blindsided by the whole thing) will know exactly what to do with the marriage immediately, i.e. divorce. That the BS will immediately stop loving the WS and that will be the end.

 

Sometimes it takes awhile for the BS to figure it out...and not just a couple of months.

 

No not at all...she's holding onto the same man I'm holding onto. My thoughts about her actually changed more because she is as aware of what the depth of my relationship with her H was as I am of hers with him. He obviously hasn't chosen to tell her he's contacting me now and again that's his situation with her...my feelings changed because she read emails where he professed he loved me...where he spoke of their relationship as being 'easy and comfortable'...he said he loved her, but there wasn't the passion we had. She read months worth of emails and moved forward. I'm not saying it's easy on her at all...not even close. I'm saying I can barely understand the first acceptance and can not understand the second. I have no real thoughts of her now...I really don't know why, but I don't.

 

The secrets were out the first time...it was emphasized the second time...I don't understand it because I wouldn't have put up with it the first time. I can only think of her in terms of my own life and experiences...I woldn't have done what she has.

Edited by MizFit
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No not at all...she's holding onto the same man I'm holding onto. My thoughts about her actually changed more because she is as aware of what the depth of my relationship with her H was as I am of hers with him. He obviously hasn't chosen to tell her he's contacting me now and again that's his situation with her...my feelings changed because she read emails where he professed he loved me...where he spoke of their relationship as being 'easy and comfortable'...he said he loved her, but there wasn't the passion we had. She read months worth of emails and moved forward. I'm not saying it's easy on her at all...not even close. I'm saying I can barely understand the first acceptance and can not understand the second. I have no real thoughts of her now...I really don't know why, but I don't.

 

The secrets were out the first time...it was emphasized the second time...I don't understand it because I wouldn't have put up with it the first time. I can only think of her in terms of my own life and experiences...I woldn't have done what she has.

 

 

Just to let you know I tried to edit this to note she was aware of the depth my relationship with him was. There were a few other bits as well, but none of them took!

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bentnotbroken
No not at all...she's holding onto the same man I'm holding onto. My thoughts about her actually changed more because she is as aware of what the depth of my relationship with her H was as I am of hers with him. He obviously hasn't chosen to tell her he's contacting me now and again that's his situation with her...my feelings changed because she read emails where he professed he loved me...where he spoke of their relationship as being 'easy and comfortable'...he said he loved her, but there wasn't the passion we had. She read months worth of emails and moved forward. I'm not saying it's easy on her at all...not even close. I'm saying I can barely understand the first acceptance and can not understand the second. I have no real thoughts of her now...I really don't know why, but I don't.

 

The secrets were out the first time...it was emphasized the second time...I don't understand it because I wouldn't have put up with it the first time. I can only think of her in terms of my own life and experiences...I woldn't have done what she has.

 

 

:eek::eek:You are doing exactly what she is doing. You are putting up with the same waste of skin. She is with a liar, a cheater and cake eater. So are you. You too aren't that different in this situation.

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:eek::eek:You are doing exactly what she is doing. You are putting up with the same waste of skin. She is with a liar, a cheater and cake eater. So are you. You too aren't that different in this situation.

 

With all due respect you don't know the inner workings of the A, as I don't know the inner workings of the M. I can have perceptions and thoughts, but I don't know her realities and why she's doing what she's doing...same as you don't know mine.

 

You're welcome to your opinion and I respect your stance, but there's enough here to keep me waiting. I'm not really putting up with anything...I'm dating other people and he's not a priority for me. I'm living my life just as he's doing...if I were sitting home dwelling on things then I'd agree I'm wasting my time.

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