Did you lie to your AP?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Ok so most are in agreement when we're talking about affairs that "if he'll lie to her then he'll lie to you." One poster (sorry i forgot who) said that she had been on both sides (the cheater and the OW) and that theres just no way to go about an A without lying to both people.

 

So we all seem to conclude that a MM is lying to both his OW and hiw W. But what about the OW/OM are they lying to their MM/MW as well?

 

I'm not sure on this, but from the top of my head I cannot recall lying to him or hiding the truth from him in anyway. The feelings I had for him I told him truthfully. He was always upfront about his love and feelings for her, their sex life etc. I dont think he lied about any of that...just how much I meant to him as evidenced by his actions after Dday.

 

So what about everyone else...did you lie to your AP?

[Brokenlady]

No. There were inconsequential things that I kept private, but I dont recall lying. But then, I wasn't trying to keep two men. I know I got lied to alot. It's funny because the unspoken rule was that the lies were reserved for his xW. Me, he was supposed to tell the truth to. HAAAAAAAA!

 

In a way, he was much more honest with me when he lived with his xW. Once he moved out, he got scared about losing me (because then he became less sure whether or not his xW would be the fallback girl anymore), and so the lies got out of control.

[norajane]

I think APs might lie.

 

No, really, it's ok that you have to xxx and can't make it for our night together. I have a lot of things I need to do anyway.

 

Sure, I understand you have to go on vacation with your family.

 

Yes, I believe I'm the most important woman in your life.

 

Yes, I understand you're doing everything you can even though our affair has been going on for x years and not only are you still married, you haven't even told your wife that you're unhappy.

 

No, I don't mind keeping our relationship hidden. It's more special that it's our little secret - just you and me.

 

Yes, I'm happy.

[White Flower]

Ok so most are in agreement when we're talking about affairs that "if he'll lie to her then he'll lie to you." One poster (sorry i forgot who) said that she had been on both sides (the cheater and the OW) and that theres just no way to go about an A without lying to both people.

 

So we all seem to conclude that a MM is lying to both his OW and hiw W. But what about the OW/OM are they lying to their MM/MW as well?

 

I'm not sure on this, but from the top of my head I cannot recall lying to him or hiding the truth from him in anyway. The feelings I had for him I told him truthfully. He was always upfront about his love and feelings for her, their sex life etc. I dont think he lied about any of that...just how much I meant to him as evidenced by his actions after Dday.

 

So what about everyone else...did you lie to your AP?

Nope. I even told him about meeting, dating, and kissing other men. He needed to know in order to make decisions.

[jennie-jennie]

No, neither I nor my MM lie to each other. We have a very deep and open relationship. That is part of the draw we have for each other. We have both told each other things we have kept secret throughout our entire lives before.

 

My MM has also expressed the need to have someone to be completely honest with since he is dishonest with his wife.

 

The many times MM has told me things that hurt me severely when I asked him uncomfortable questions makes me sure he would rather be truthful than dishonest with me.

[White Flower]

No, neither I nor my MM lie to each other. We have a very deep and open relationship. That is part of the draw we have for each other. We have both told each other things we have kept secret throughout our entire lives before.

 

My MM has also expressed the need to have someone to be completely honest with since he is dishonest with his wife.

 

The many times MM has told me things that hurt me severely when I asked him uncomfortable questions makes me sure he would rather be truthful than dishonest with me.

We are very similar in this regard. MM says he has never been open with anyone the way he has with me before. I have asked him questions that I knew would provide hurtful answers. I have made it a safe place for him to tell the truth.

 

One has to be able to accept and handle truths that can be very scary and disconcerting. Otherwise, we just alienate those we love.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

wow nora. what a different perspective. so no, i did not lie to xmm about my H or my feelings for my marriage or my intentions with him. but...

 

i did tell him i understood when my feelings were hurt and didnt share the pain with him. i did put on a brave face at times when i was in pain because i "knew" my place as the OW and felt i couldnt really tell him that the situation hurt me so. so i guess i lied about those things.

[Fallen Angel]

Nope. I even told him about meeting, dating, and kissing other men. He needed to know in order to make decisions.

 

Me too. The one time I did kiss someone else. I have also told him about the ex-boyfriend who recently found me on another website, and now talks to me online everyday.

 

I don't lie to him, not about what I am doing, who I am doing it with, etc etc. I see no need to lie, if I have to lie to him, then I should not be in a relationship with him. Just as I expect him to always be honest with me, I am always honest with him.

 

I do not take it as a given that all MMs lie to their OW. That may have been your experience, but so far it has not been mine. *shrug*

[Brokenlady]

He was always upfront about his love and feelings for her, their sex life etc. I dont think he lied about any of that...just how much I meant to him as evidenced by his actions after Dday.

 

MBEG,

Help me understand here, are you saying he lied to you when he said he loved you, or are you upset that he lied to his wife when he said you meant nothing to him? If I read you correctly, it's the latter that you are getting at.

[wheelwright]

I didn't lie to xMOM either.

 

Not about sex, feelings, what I did in my life or anything at all.

 

I felt that if there was one thing I should keep honest it should be that R. After all, I gave up everything at that time to commit to it.

 

But i found he lied to me about a relatively mundane thing, even though we'd agreed to truth.

 

Towards the end though, I did lie a little. Because I let him believe I thought the A might just be escapism when he was trying to recommit to his W.

 

But if he hadn't done the getting back with the wife thing, I would never have lied to him, nor needed to.

 

We are all capable of lying to stop another's hurt, and we all know the truth is the best way. That's why As are bad.

[GreenEyedLady]

So we all seem to conclude that a MM is lying to both his OW and hiw W. But what about the OW/OM are they lying to their MM/MW as well?

 

So what about everyone else...did you lie to your AP?

 

I was single (officially divorced when I met him). I had no need to lie to him.

 

Wish he had felt the same way, but we probably wouldn't be where we are today and I LOVE where we are today.

 

Maybe things do actually happen for a reason.

 

GEL

[Got it]

No I did not lie to him while I was still married or while in the EMA. I did not disclose ever detail of the time period I was dating others when we were broken up after the drama of a dday. I do not feel, since we were not together, that it is any of his business. I didn't sleep with anyone else so there is nothing to tell. I dated, they were interesting, I decided that it wasn't for me, I stopped, sMM and I ended up getting back together.

[MizFit]

No I didn't lie about anything...on the second DDay it became clear to his W that he was lying to her, but not a bit to me.

 

As with Jennie and a few others I knew where he stood from day 1 and accepted it. He was true to that as well...he also warned me when I asked a question-make sure you want the answer. I've been very hurt by some of his answers and he could easily have lied to me...I never lied to him and I firmly believe he never lied to me.

[MizzBlue72]

This is a hard one for me.

The MM only lied to me once. I asked him if he loved me, and he said he was fond of me, but didn't love me. That was hard to hear. He told me I would find someone else that would not be him.

 

I lied to him after that. I started seeing a guy, and didn't tell him. I started exploring things and going out a lot and didn't tell him. He says that hurt him, and I know it did. I am really sorry that I did lie to him and hurt him. I was really hurt when he didn't reciprocate the love I felt for him.

 

He wonders how I could not see between the lines when he said that to me. I was lost. He know says he loves me. He is in the middle of a divorce, so we are still not out in the open.

 

Bottom line - I lied to the MM. I LOVE him, and it is weird - I just can not type MY MM, because I don't own him. I see that more now than I have before.

[pureinheart]

I was single (officially divorced when I met him). I had no need to lie to him.

 

Wish he had felt the same way, but we probably wouldn't be where we are today and I LOVE where we are today.

 

Maybe things do actually happen for a reason.

 

GEL

 

LOL...true confessions...yep I lied to pyro to purposefully mess with his head...I knew I was being abused...although I am not your "typical" victim so-to-speak....I am very onery...there were times that me and my daughter would mess with her ex and pyro...one day we were in Walmart with both of these fools blowing up our phones. It was actually quite funny...we would purposefully not answer our phones, a lot.

 

GEL, seriously concerning your situation, and this is with all due respect to his exW...ok, I used to lie to my mom concerning my whereabouts. I wanted to party and she didnot approve of "my" form of partying (drinking was ok, but not drugs, I liked drugs at that time). This is how I see your H, as he was/is not malicious, he just didn't know what to do.

[pureinheart]

I love this MB!

 

This one deserves a double AMEN!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe

[OWoman]

I didn't lie to him, nor he to me.

 

He may have lied to his xW or he may not - I know she chose not to believe him when he told her the truth. They didn't talk that much so probably he simply said nothing, as was their practice.

[NoIDidn't]

I think APs might lie.

 

No, really, it's ok that you have to xxx and can't make it for our night together. I have a lot of things I need to do anyway.

 

Sure, I understand you have to go on vacation with your family.

 

Yes, I believe I'm the most important woman in your life.

 

Yes, I understand you're doing everything you can even though our affair has been going on for x years and not only are you still married, you haven't even told your wife that you're unhappy.

 

No, I don't mind keeping our relationship hidden. It's more special that it's our little secret - just you and me.

 

Yes, I'm happy.

 

You took the words right out of my mouth!

 

It is a relationship based on denial of several facts, including the truth about expectations, hopes, and fears. Of course, the OPs lie to the AP.

[OWoman]

I think APs might lie.

 

No, really, it's ok that you have to xxx and can't make it for our night together. I have a lot of things I need to do anyway.

 

Sure, I understand you have to go on vacation with your family.

 

Yes, I believe I'm the most important woman in your life.

 

Yes, I understand you're doing everything you can even though our affair has been going on for x years and not only are you still married, you haven't even told your wife that you're unhappy.

 

No, I don't mind keeping our relationship hidden. It's more special that it's our little secret - just you and me.

 

Yes, I'm happy.

 

Some OWs are happy. Some OWs could - and possibly do - make those statements honestly and openly, not lying, because perhaps that is how they feel. It all depends on what they want and what the basis of the A is.

 

If an A is grounded in unstated and blurred expectations - possibly shifting over time - then yes, probably a fair amount of dishonesty is involved from both sides, whether consciously or not. If the agreement was for a string-free good time, and one party has broken the pact and gotten attached, then most likely they're not going to 'fess up and say - things have changed, I want more... Rather, they're more likely to angle for it through subterfuge since they daren't admit even to themselves that they've broken the deal.

 

(And it's not only OWs that get more attached than they'd agreed to - though there have been some recent examples here of some who have - but also MMs....)

[MizFit]

And from the BS...

 

It's ok honey...I know you have to fly to _____ for that trip next week...

 

Don't worry about it...I'll get little Johnny to his baseball game and the team outing after...

 

Yes dear...I'm sure those long brunette hairs are from the woman at the other table from the restaurant last night...

 

We're on vacation love...can't you please not take those calls or respond to those emails...

 

It's ok darling...the courses can't be helped...I know you don't really want to spend that much time away from me...

 

 

My opinion is that for every BS who lies like this there is an OW who does as well. For every BS who has accepted a tradeoff and is fully aware of the A there is an OW who has done the same. One set lies to the BS and themselves on a regular basis...the other set has an acceptance of the situation.

 

Of course there is probably a set that sits between the two.

[NoIDidn't]

And from the BS...

 

It's ok honey...I know you have to fly to _____ for that trip next week...

 

Don't worry about it...I'll get little Johnny to his baseball game and the team outing after...

 

Yes dear...I'm sure those long brunette hairs are from the woman at the other table from the restaurant last night...

 

We're on vacation love...can't you please not take those calls or respond to those emails...

 

It's ok darling...the courses can't be helped...I know you don't really want to spend that much time away from me...

 

 

My opinion is that for every BS who lies like this there is an OW who does as well. For every BS who has accepted a tradeoff and is fully aware of the A there is an OW who has done the same. One set lies to the BS and themselves on a regular basis...the other set has an acceptance of the situation.

 

Of course there is probably a set that sits between the two.

 

I guess it couldn't be resisted. Bringing the BS into a thread that was clearly not about them instead of dealing with the question at hand.

[MizFit]

I guess it couldn't be resisted. Bringing the BS into a thread that was clearly not about them instead of dealing with the question at hand.

 

 

If you care to look at post number 13 on this thread you'll see my initial response to the thread topic.

 

I thought that I might respond to someone else in a unique way and note the similarities between some OW and some BS...guess that's against the rules as well. One of these days I may learn to be more contrite and to stop thinking as well.

[skylarblue]

I don’t recall lying to my MM about anything significant or vice versa. I might tell him “he’s right” when he’s complaining about his W when I’m really thinking “no, you’re being a pr*ck”, and he lied about his age when we first met, but nothing bigger than that. I’m pretty open anyway so it wasn’t a conscious thought, and I think he just feels there’s no reason to lie to me. I know when they argue, sleep together, when she’s on high alert, his/her/family schedules, etc. If I’m going out and think he might call, I call and let him know what I’m doing and when I’m coming home. I think since we didn’t feel obligated to one another (making promises, being in-love, etc) we didn’t feel the need to have to lie to each other. He definitely lies to his W, and I lied to my (then) bf when questioned about the A.

[Sullen_Gyrl]

Ok so most are in agreement when we're talking about affairs that "if he'll lie to her then he'll lie to you." One poster (sorry i forgot who) said that she had been on both sides (the cheater and the OW) and that theres just no way to go about an A without lying to both people.

 

So we all seem to conclude that a MM is lying to both his OW and hiw W. But what about the OW/OM are they lying to their MM/MW as well?

 

I'm not sure on this, but from the top of my head I cannot recall lying to him or hiding the truth from him in anyway. The feelings I had for him I told him truthfully. He was always upfront about his love and feelings for her, their sex life etc. I dont think he lied about any of that...just how much I meant to him as evidenced by his actions after Dday.

 

So what about everyone else...did you lie to your AP?

 

For my particular case,

 

I think xMM lied to me as well as his W. Whenever he said, "I love you" I couldn't quite believe him because of the pain he knew I was experiencing as a result of our A. Of course, he affirmed to no end that I was the only person he was able to share everything with, and that was liberating to him.

 

But to answer your question: I did lie to him. I went on a couple of dates with other guys and I didn't tell him. In my sordid thinking, I actually thought he would think I was betraying him, ha! In addition, I lied through omission a couple of times. He would ask me if I was okay with "us" (when he knew I wasn't and I knew I wasn't) and I would assure him that I was.

[silverplanets]

Short answer - yes.