Emotional Cheating

[angry]

I believe my husband is having an emotional affair with a woman he works with. I have a lot of signs and have confronted him about it. He says "we're just friends." I don't buy this excuse but don't know how to go about finding out the real answers. Can anyone suggest anything that I can do to confirm my suspicions?

[carhill]

Hi and welcome to LS.

 

Type "emotional affair" (with quotes) into the LS search engine and you'll find a myriad of threads detailing surveillance and other methodologies of coping with your suspicions.

 

Also, as a potential betrayed spouse, this thread likely belongs in the 'infidelity' forum, and you might get better responses there....

 

If you're emotionally engaged in the M, it's unlikely a particular woman is 'just a friend', or even an emotional confidant. She's probably a lover, as in physical affair. Invite his friend over for dinner.

[Fallen Angel]

What are the "signs" you are seeing?

[angie2443]

I believe my husband is having an emotional affair with a woman he works with. I have a lot of signs and have confronted him about it. He says "we're just friends." I don't buy this excuse but don't know how to go about finding out the real answers. Can anyone suggest anything that I can do to confirm my suspicions?

 

This probable belongs in the infidelity section. Anyways, trust your gut. This is the most important sign you'll get. Don't trust what your H our his friend say unless it fits with what your gut tells you about the situation.

[angry]

He works out of town, so there's no way I can know exactly what's going on. However, I found a picture of her on his phone, there have been several emails between them, using im to talk with her, had dinners out together while he is out of town. He's even emailed her when he was in the hospital a day after his heart attack. She came to visit him twice. I was there once and she was very cold towards me. I wasn't there the last time she visited, so who knows what happened then. He admitted he crossed the line of "friendship" to "a close friendship". Is this enough to help you see if I'm right about this?

[angry]

I'll try going into the forum you mentioned. If you think it's more of a "real" affair, how do I go about finding out for myself?

[carhill]

I was there once and she was very cold towards me.

 

There's your answer. Call a lawyer today

[freestyle]

Her coldness to you is a huge red flag. It's incredibly inappropriate.

 

So are your H's actions.

 

There's a great book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, that I would highly recommend reading. It can give you a lot of insight regarding the dynamics of friendships that cross the line.

[angry]

If I call a lawyer today, would good would it do when all he's going to do is have me get evidence. I have no evidence...everything I've mentioned has been erased from his phone and he now locks his phone and computer so I can't get on it. Therefore, I don't seem to have a case.

[Meaplus3]

Well, I guess I'll start by asking you what makes you believe that he's having an ea?

 

Mea:)

[carhill]

Therefore, I don't seem to have a case.

Ask the lawyer if you live in an 'at-fault' jurisdiction and, if yes, would the costs of pursuing an at-fault divorce be worth the value of your marital estate distribution. Then, if yes, the lawyer can flesh out scenarios to gather proper legal evidence for such an action. If no (no 'fault), it doesn't matter, legally, whether he's having an affair or not. The consultation, in most jurisdictions, is free. Knowledge is power.

 

Oh, also, if you have children, that will have bearing on receiving proper legal advice.....

 

I've had an EA and I know the signs. He's beyond an EA, IMO.

 

Do you want to end this inappropriate relationship and recover your M? Read those search results here on LS for some great ideas

Edited February 3, 2010 by carhill

[angie2443]

OP, what do you want?

 

Do you want to give your relationship a chance?

 

Do you want to divorce if he is "cheating" (whatever your definition is)?

 

Are there children involved?

 

Before you decide what to do, you have to decide what you want.

[angry]

Carhill, I've had the same feeling that it's gone past the point of an EA. I am so angry and hurt that I really don't know if I want to pursue mending this. He knows how I feel. I have told him to stop this friendship and he said I couldn't tell him who to be friends with. He's frankly chosen being "friends" with her over our marriage because I told him "it's her friendship or the marriage." He said he's not giving up his friendship. I've asked him to be honest and just tell me so I can move on, but he denies, denies, denies. And even if he said he would, with technology the way it is, I would never really know the truth. So at this point, I'm trying to figure out what I want. We do have children, ages 24 and 20 and that's what's holding me back....the hurt and destruction they will endure. They think we have the perfect marriage and we have far from that. Been married 30 years, and it's become mundane and rountine for him. Also health problems cause trouble as well. I guess I'll talk to a lawyer and see what my options are and also see a counselor by myself and see if I can find some direction for me. I'm at this point really confused as to what to do. But thanks for the help!

[jwi71]

If I call a lawyer today, would good would it do when all he's going to do is have me get evidence. I have no evidence...everything I've mentioned has been erased from his phone and he now locks his phone and computer so I can't get on it. Therefore, I don't seem to have a case.

 

There's your proof.

 

A man with NOTHING to hide does NOT do this. My email and phone are wide open to my GF.

The OW's actions also strongly suggest something is not right.

 

OK. The easiest solution is to simply file "no fault".

Failing that, its perfectly ok to have a consult with a lawyer and ask him/her what to do...you suspect an A but don't know how to get proof...great first step...

 

However, I have a sense you are looking for proof to file for "fault".

 

Easy enough to get the proof.

 

1) Hire a PI. Use a credit card to pay. In fact, open a CC in your name only and use it to hire the PI. Don't worry, your stbxh will foot half the bill in the divorce. Yes, its expensive...but a decent PI will get you your proof in relatively short order.

 

2) Hire a computer geek. Unless your stbxh is a expert himself, most PCs are NOT that secure...a geek can get in no problem. Simply call and say you forgot the password. They CAN do it. Once you have access...install a keylogger. Google it. In fact, a PI from 1) above can prolly help you get in and install keylogger himself.

 

3) Call your cell phone provider and request "detailed billing". Then request they mail or email you the last few phone bills. Look for frequently called numbers you don't recognize. DON'T call it yet...don't want to tip your hand that you are onto the WS (wayward spouse). Hand those numbes to the PI from 1) above and they can give you all kinds of GREAT info on that person. I told ya PIs are great. Failing that...google "reverse number search" on the web....

 

4) TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.

 

5) Call your CC's and get the latest bills from them. Review them for purchases that don't seem right. Say nothing to your H...just gather evidence.

 

6) Review your bank statements. Ask your bank for records going back for as long as you wish...they can typicaly provide them. look at the paychecks he deposits...does the amount ever change (a siphon to a secret bank account maybe)? Are there payments to CC's you don't recognize (or know about)? Any payments look odd to you? Again, just gather your evidence.

 

Wait until you find enough. Ask your H to explain them. Each one. In detail. If he gets defensive...uh huh, you know why.

 

Now once you do this...he will go underground. He will hide it FAR better than now. So before you confront him have the PROOF because he WILL lie about it and then be "Mr. Perfect Hubby". Its a rouse.

 

The question will, in time, be this...once you have your proof (and you will)...what will you do?

[angie2443]

Yes, talk to a lawyer. I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand your concerns regarding your children, but, I think it does them way more harm than good for you to stay in a relationship in which your bieng treated so poorly.

[angie2443]

There's your proof.

 

A man with NOTHING to hide does NOT do this. My email and phone are wide open to my GF.

The OW's actions also strongly suggest something is not right.

 

OK. The easiest solution is to simply file "no fault".

Failing that, its perfectly ok to have a consult with a lawyer and ask him/her what to do...you suspect an A but don't know how to get proof...great first step...

 

However, I have a sense you are looking for proof to file for "fault".

 

Easy enough to get the proof.

 

1) Hire a PI. Use a credit card to pay. In fact, open a CC in your name only and use it to hire the PI. Don't worry, your stbxh will foot half the bill in the divorce. Yes, its expensive...but a decent PI will get you your proof in relatively short order.

 

2) Hire a computer geek. Unless your stbxh is a expert himself, most PCs are NOT that secure...a geek can get in no problem. Simply call and say you forgot the password. They CAN do it. Once you have access...install a keylogger. Google it. In fact, a PI from 1) above can prolly help you get in and install keylogger himself.

 

3) Call your cell phone provider and request "detailed billing". Then request they mail or email you the last few phone bills. Look for frequently called numbers you don't recognize. DON'T call it yet...don't want to tip your hand that you are onto the WS (wayward spouse). Hand those numbes to the PI from 1) above and they can give you all kinds of GREAT info on that person. I told ya PIs are great. Failing that...google "reverse number search" on the web....

 

4) TRUST YOUR INSTINCT.

 

5) Call your CC's and get the latest bills from them. Review them for purchases that don't seem right. Say nothing to your H...just gather evidence.

 

6) Review your bank statements. Ask your bank for records going back for as long as you wish...they can typicaly provide them. look at the paychecks he deposits...does the amount ever change (a siphon to a secret bank account maybe)? Are there payments to CC's you don't recognize (or know about)? Any payments look odd to you? Again, just gather your evidence.

 

Wait until you find enough. Ask your H to explain them. Each one. In detail. If he gets defensive...uh huh, you know why.

 

Now once you do this...he will go underground. He will hide it FAR better than now. So before you confront him have the PROOF because he WILL lie about it and then be "Mr. Perfect Hubby". Its a rouse.

 

The question will, in time, be this...once you have your proof (and you will)...what will you do?

 

There are a lot of good suggestions here. Also, surround yourself with people who care for you and can be a good support system. Your going to need them.

[freestyle]

Do you happen to know if the OW is M or in an R?

 

If so, outing her involvement with your H to her SO may be helpful.

 

Gather concrete evidence first.

[Meaplus3]

Gather concrete evidence first.

 

Exactly. And I'll add there is not much you or any laywer can do with out this.

 

Mea:)

[carhill]

Since most anecdotes on LS point to having one's ducks in a row (including the gathering of 'evidence') prior to any significant confrontation, I'd recommend consulting with a lawyer first, to apprise oneself of the proper and legal methods of collecting and cataloging such evidence, along with the right kinds of evidence to gather. Each circumstance and jurisdiction is different. There is a 30 year marriage and attendant partnership/assets/incomes/etc to consider. Get advice, think it through and then act. The husband is already aware of the wife's knowledge of the 'friend' and her displeasure with the 'friendship'. That's not insignificant, in light of his subsequent actions and words.

[Brokenlady]

If I call a lawyer today, would good would it do when all he's going to do is have me get evidence. I have no evidence...everything I've mentioned has been erased from his phone and he now locks his phone and computer so I can't get on it. Therefore, I don't seem to have a case.

 

There's your signs he's having an affair, right there.

[whichwayisup]

He admitted he crossed the line of "friendship" to "a close friendship".

 

Then there IS something going on. Also, he emailed her from the hospital, she came by TWICE to see him, once while you were there, she wasn't nice to you and treated you cooly. Another thing, IF she was a platonic friend and NOTHING was going on between them, YOU would be part of the friendship too. You would be included at times and also get to know her. Fact is, he's hidden the 'friendship' from you, excluded you and now doesn't want to end the friendship with her. ALL signs something is going on there.

 

Find out if she is married, if so, let her spouse that you think something is going on. Or her boyfriend, if she is seeing someone.

 

In the meantime, I say, kick him out of the house. He doesn't seem the harm this so called 'friendship' has, on you, the marriage and as a family unit. Only way he might wake up out of his affairyland fog is to make him UNDERSTAND and suffer some consquences. He wants her in his life? HE can move out and see/talk to her all he wants, but NOT while he's with you, married to you, living with you. Yes, it's harsh, but I would do it just to show him that HE doesn't call the shots.

 

Drop by the office one day too. See how she reacts, how others react. Chances are, other co-workers probably know or have noticed how close they are. Make the OW feel uncomfortable.

 

Anyway, sorry you're hurting, hope he wakes up before he loses you.

[angry]

I can't kick him out because he had open heart surgery and is recuperating from that. The added stress of making him leaves scares me that it might aggravate his condition. He's not working right now and we're together 24/7. It's usually silence all day long. So I'm stuck right now until he is able to deal with this.

[temple]

Yes, talk to a lawyer. I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand your concerns regarding your children, but, I think it does them way more harm than good for you to stay in a relationship in which your bieng treated so poorly.

 

I agree with this - not to mention your children are now adults and more than capable of dealing with something like this. I am so sorry that you are obviously so hurt and suffering from this. I think that perhaps the best thing to do right now is to stay calm, think about your plan of action in this time period it takes him to recover, and then decide which way to go.