My heart won't listen to my head

[FastForward]

I’m here for some support and advice. *deep breath* Here it goes: i am engaged to be married to a wonderful man. Last year i had an affair with my friend, a married man from work. It lasted for four months until May when left to start his own business and i can honestly say at the time it was purely physical. He said he wanted it to carry on but i thought he may well change his mind as his new business involved him working from home, and he did. When he left i felt like my arm had been ripped off but i knew well enough to know this was just withdrawal and addiction to the lust and chemistry we had and not really about him – he and i would never work long term, we’re not suited in that way.

 

He got in touch on IM and over the following months we spoke more and more and more, and i guess we then developed what I now know is an emotional affair.( He would never admit to this, he thinks we are just ‘good friends’). It wandered into sexual territory again on IM and when we met up with some friends last year, we were all over each other and ended up nearly getting caught in a compromising position. We had opposite reactions to this (I am not proud of what i am about to say): I realised i now had feelings for him, was in over my head, and I wanted to start things up again, he wanted to make sure this never happened again. I struggled with this for months, we kept in touch but he made sure he kept it firmly as ‘just friends’ and refused to come and see me for fear of what would happen. I felt, and still feel completely rejected. I have managed to compartmentalise it that much that i see it as him not wanting to be with me, rather than the reality of the situation which is that we are both spoken for. At the end of last year my frustration boiled over and we ended up having a row where we both admitted loving each other. I don’t know if these are real feelings at all, it all feels like such a fantasy world. Since then i have stayed off IM as it was too intense. Now i miss him like mad. Our contact has cut right down and there are days i feel like i’m ‘getting over’ it and days when I feel like somebody’s died. He still acts like we’re just friends and hasn’t mentioned me not being on IM or the fact we don’t talk anymore. I guess he knows why. He’s popped into my work a few times just ‘passing by’ (i know this isn’t always true), but he makes sure it’s not for more than five minutes and that we’re not left alone.

 

I know in my heart he must miss me...we used to speak every day, we've supported each other through so much the last year, we used to tell each other everything, all the time ...but it hurts so much that he never admits it or wants to talk about it...i know he worries that it’ll be encouraging me in some way. I understand this, and i know also that i shouldn’t care what he’s doing or thinking, I should focus on me and my relationship. I know this is the right thing, I do love my fiancée very much, he is ten times the man the MM is and doesn’t deserve what i’ve done.

 

I just feel a bit stuck. And i’m so tired of putting a brave face on things all the time and having to find time on my own to grieve and cry my heart out then act like nothing’s wrong. And I hate that i miss him so much and I can’t see him properly, and i’m jealous of other people who can. And i don’t know if what i feel is love or not. And i hate wondering whether he feels the same. And I’m sick of forcing myself not to think of him only to wake up crying in the night cos i’ve dreamt about him. And i hate that he makes it feel so one-sided when i want to believe it’s not.

 

I don’t want anything now but to get over him. I get married in four months. I feel i am coming out of the fog slowly but surely. I know i just have to keep going. But it’s just so hard and I don’t feel i can cope sometimes. That’s why i’m here. Just to share I guess. Thanks for reading.

[2sure]

You cannot possibly move forward with this marriage. All else aside, and I know you want support here and that you are confused...and that OK.

 

But someone else's entire LIFE is being laid out here, and you have not mentioned him at all.

[Fallen Angel]

Hi and welcome hun,

 

My only advice to you right now is get into IC RIGHT NOW!!! Counseling will help you to understand what emotional needs he was filling for you, and how to let him go. In learning what needs you had that he was meeting, and your fiance` was not, you will be able to vocalize your needs to your future husband and give him the oppourtunity to meet those needs.

 

If you are still feeling this way over your xMM I am concerned that you still plan on marrying in a few months. I do not think it is fair to your future husband to go into a marriage while still pining for someone else. Perhaps you should consider postponing the wedding until you can devote yourself wholely to your new husband. Anything less is unfair to both him and to yourself. You are almost certainly dooming your marriage to failure otherwise.

[skywriter]

You should reconsider getting married in four months. Think of how you might feel if your fiancee, had been through an A, emotionally and physically and married you four months later.

 

Your feelings are all over the place.

If you don't tell your fiancee about the A, at least postpone the wedding until you are over the OM. For yourself and your fiancee.

 

Maybe this was your way of finding out, how you truly feel about your future H.

[FastForward]

Thanks for your replies. It's awful that i haven't mentioned him, i really feel like I have compartmentalised it, I have only started to feel really guilty about it the last month or so. I know this is terrible, I am trying to be honest.

 

I have been with my finace 7 years and when the affair started i was feeling very neglected. I did tell him at the time, and i told him i needed more romance in my life and that i was seeking attention from other men to make me feel good (something i never used to do) and that i hated that. I guess this is the gap that MM filled. I'm not making excuses. I never even looked at another man before all this.

 

It's different now. Over the past year his attitude to work has changed and he's spent more time on 'us' and putting the romance back into our relationship. He must've noticed how distant i've been. I do love him very much. Him and MM are poles apart, he's my rock, MM is a fantasy that went wrong. I know i need IC, it just seems so alien to me, i don't talk about my feelings easily.

[jwi71]

Why haven't you blocked him on IM yet?

Why haven't you blocked his emails yet?

Why haven't you blocked his cell phone (and all other numbers) yet?

 

Answer: You don't want to. (you still seek him out)

 

And as long as you "don't want to"...you should tell your fiancee that the wedding cannot go forward. He will quite reasonably ask "why"?

 

Tell him the truth. Because building this M on a foundation of lies and deceit guarantees one thing...divorce (and all the trauma that comes with it).

 

Hopefully, you two can go to couples counseling and begin to repair this shattered union. Certainly get yourself to IC...its VERY alarming that you seek validation from other men. Happiness and security come from within and you haven't found yours yet. Given that..down the road when the M becomes "routine"...you will again seek validation (of yourself) in the bed of another. I know this because you have not only done it before - you have done NOTHING to address the problem in YOU to prevent it from happening again.

[bentnotbroken]

It is completely unfair and unethical to marry your fiance without him knowing all the facts. His future is HIS to choose what to do with.

[FastForward]

I haven't blocked him on IM, i no longer use it at all (and neither does he). Our contact is so minimal I haven't thought to block him and yes, I still "don't want to" and I know this is wrong.

 

 

I am trying to address the problem, that's why I'm here. I don't know why I suddenly started seeking validation as I was the sort to not give two figs about what anyone thought of me before. Something I know IC can help me with. I do not want to hurt my fiance, I feel this is my burden to bear and I know he would forgive me and I don't think i could live with that. I also know that what bentnotbroken has said is the truth and i need to think about that too.

[torranceshipman]

I want to say this without it sounding like a flame - you are being incredibly selfish and self-centred going through with this M. If you really do love your fiance then respect him too and stop making a fool out of him. This is his entire life on the line here - don't marry him when he is being made a fool of. You say he is 'your rock' and the MM was a 'fantasy'. Well you are still in fantasyland, and 'your rock' just sounds like 'the one at home who I need the security from so I'm not alone'. That is really awful.

 

Sorry if this sounds like a personal attack or something because I don't mean it to - we all make mistakes and we all have done something we were not proud of at some time or another. Just think about stopping the bad stuff now, by at least cutting all contact with MM and putting the idea of M on hold.

[FastForward]

I will take any flamings as i deserve them but thank you for understanding. I am so sad, confused and scared right now. I know the problem is within me and nothing to do with anyone else and that is what i need to get fixed. Yes, i am being completely selfish and living in fantasyland, all of those things i know. MM told me this himself when he woke up to the reality of what we were doing.

 

The affair started just as I got engaged and I think i have an issue about feeling like i am 'owned', though I do want to spend the rest of my life with my fiance...maybe i've never felt good enough for him. And now i'm certainly not.

 

Sorry that this sounds so messed up. I am trying to meet this head on and face up to what i have done. I have such a fantastic life and i need to appreciate it more instead of hitting the self destruct button and focusing on all the wrong things. I know am a good person and i have never done anything like this before. I have always treated people as i wanted to be treated and now I have gone and done the worst thing i could possibly do to the person i love the most. He does not deserve to be hurt. He does not deserve to be made a fool of either.

 

I don't know how I got here really, i used to be so happy.

[whichwayisup]

Therapy. It's the only thing right now that will help you get through this, and come clean to your fiancee as HE deserves to know the truth so HE can decide if he wants to still get married.

 

Find out why you're so broken and unhappy inside, enough to need the attention from other men. This isn't just about cheating, betraying your future husband, it's about YOU and how something is missing. NO man will make you happy - You need to be happy with yourself first. Without it involving another man. PERIOD.

 

Put the wedding on hold.

[Passion4Life]

You should reconsider getting married in four months. Think of how you might feel if your fiancee, had been through an A, emotionally and physically and married you four months later.

 

Your feelings are all over the place.

If you don't tell your fiancee about the A, at least postpone the wedding until you are over the OM. For yourself and your fiancee.

 

Maybe this was your way of finding out, how you truly feel about your future H.

 

It has already been going on for that long time on ur fiancee 's back so now before u start any meetings , calls or email with ur MM pls dump ur fiancee .

 

Good luck

[whichwayisup]

The affair started just as I got engaged and I think i have an issue about feeling like i am 'owned', though I do want to spend the rest of my life with my fiance...maybe i've never felt good enough for him. And now i'm certainly not.

 

It's more this than. You need attention from other guys to keep you happy. Getting married or not getting married isn't going to solve anything until you face the reasons WHY you need many men to meet your needs, to make you feel happy. Whatever insecurities you have, sort them out before you get married.

 

Or, maybe, you're just one NOT to be married. Living with, being in a relationship, but getting married could just make you feel trapped/owned as you said. Some just don't believe in marriage, that's fine, but BE honest with your fiancee. He needs to know what is going on inside your head, what you are feeling.. It's selfish and unfair to keep him in the dark. Sorry to say this, don't mean to be harsh, but the woman he loves and hopes to be his wife someday soon is NOT the woman who really exists. Hope this makes sense to you.

[FastForward]

Thank you whichwayisup and yes, this makes complete sense to me. Marriage is not important to me and never has been. I do feel pressured into it, not by my fiance, he just wants me (as he knows me which, as you say, is a lie right now) but by others and society generally (!). And i don't want him to think I don't love him enough to marry him, or for it to ever be a problem that we're not married.

 

I don't seek validation from many men, just MM. I feel like he wanted me and now he doesn't, but you're right when you say it's not really about him. We're not compatible long-term and I know that. I need to accept he is married and trying to do the right thing and I need to do that too, whatever it is. I am really am taking all of this on board, i am learning about myself all the time.

[whichwayisup]

MM doesn't want you because he is married already. Maybe he got sick of the rollercoaster ride and didn't want to cheat on his wife anymore. He has that right to change his mind, like it or not.

 

Leave him alone, don't contact him and IGNORE him if he tries to contact you.

 

I hope you consider therapy.

 

And, talk to your fiancee. The longer you wait, the harder it'll be.

[silverplanets]

Thank you whichwayisup and yes, this makes complete sense to me. Marriage is not important to me and never has been. I do feel pressured into it, not by my fiance, he just wants me (as he knows me which, as you say, is a lie right now) but by others and society generally (!). And i don't want him to think I don't love him enough to marry him, or for it to ever be a problem that we're not married.

 

I don't seek validation from many men, just MM. I feel like he wanted me and now he doesn't, but you're right when you say it's not really about him. We're not compatible long-term and I know that. I need to accept he is married and trying to do the right thing and I need to do that too, whatever it is. I am really am taking all of this on board, i am learning about myself all the time.

 

Hi FF,

 

Not going to comment on much as you seem to be aware of how you feel about it. Just a question though - have you ever been married before? If not then it is worth understanding that the pressures only increase once you are married ...

 

I think it must be a very difficult position right now - feelings for the MM, pressure to be married and a feeling that there's no time to allow yourself to really work out how YOU feel about it all.

 

The only advice I can give is if YOU think you need time to work out your feelings on it all then give youself that time ....

 

You may come to the conclusion that you want to be exactly where you are, but at least you will be sure of your descision.

[FastForward]

i know i am frustrating to try and give advice to as i am quite rational in my thinking yet not my behaviour! I should listen to my own advice too!

 

I have not been married before but my fiance has, and she cheated on him although they already had problems and he does not blame her actions for the end of their marriage. But this is also why i do not want to hurt him like this again.

 

I think i am just very emotionally immature and not ready to accept the responsibility of marriage...i have a very stressful job where i am very responsible so i think i try and seek balance in my non-work life. MM is like this too that's how we bonded. I guess I saw him as my boyfriend. I will go NC with him, he is all too aware that i am due to get married, he talks about it more than me, and any contact we have just seems to be hurting us both right now.

 

I wish i had more time. There's a lot too think about.

[silverplanets]

i know i am frustrating to try and give advice to as i am quite rational in my thinking yet not my behaviour! I should listen to my own advice too!

 

I have not been married before but my fiance has, and she cheated on him although they already had problems and he does not blame her actions for the end of their marriage. But this is also why i do not want to hurt him like this again.

 

I think i am just very emotionally immature and not ready to accept the responsibility of marriage...i have a very stressful job where i am very responsible so i think i try and seek balance in my non-work life. MM is like this too that's how we bonded. I guess I saw him as my boyfriend. I will go NC with him, he is all too aware that i am due to get married, he talks about it more than me, and any contact we have just seems to be hurting us both right now.

 

I wish i had more time. There's a lot too think about.

 

It sounds like you've thought it through and are aware of your own vunerable emotional state (and also of your boyfriends) and that indicates a good level of emotional maturity.

 

Is this time pressure actually immovable? If you want to postpone then why not???

[fooled once]

Why don't you take the first step towards repairing the relationship with your fiance and tell him what has been going on?