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Red flags...


mybrowneyedgirl

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mybrowneyedgirl

want some opinions here. and no, im not looking for comments about me being obsessed with xmm. i just read a thread about alienation of affection and someone having to prove that the marriage was wonderful before the A.

 

at first i thought "oh my gosh, she could SOOOO get me on this." and then i thought about how he had some "close calls" a few years back that the wife knew about.

 

he claims his M was perfect before the A, no problems etc. but, we've also discussed these close calls to him having an A with two other women. not just emotional stuff, i think there might have been a kiss or two and some definite uncouth situations.

 

so were these "situations" red flags that something was wrong with either him or his M and that our A was finally just the one he gave in to. or should i be squirming in my seat about the possibility of alientation of affection? (dont think she'd ever try that....just popped into my mind from that previous post)

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mybrowneyedgirl

just looked it up...no alienation of affection in my state, but still curious about the question.

 

thanks for those opinions butterfly! no, i certainly didnt seduce him. or chase him or try to take things further. it was quite the opposite.

 

im just wondering if his close calls were a red flag that he was on the path to have an A. whatever the reason he had this A....was it there for a while and he just didnt act on it until me...or were those other girls just meaningless situations.

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want some opinions here. and no, im not looking for comments about me being obsessed with xmm. i just read a thread about alienation of affection and someone having to prove that the marriage was wonderful before the A.

 

at first i thought "oh my gosh, she could SOOOO get me on this." and then i thought about how he had some "close calls" a few years back that the wife knew about.

 

he claims his M was perfect before the A, no problems etc. but, we've also discussed these close calls to him having an A with two other women. not just emotional stuff, i think there might have been a kiss or two and some definite uncouth situations.

 

so were these "situations" red flags that something was wrong with either him or his M and that our A was finally just the one he gave in to. or should i be squirming in my seat about the possibility of alientation of affection? (dont think she'd ever try that....just popped into my mind from that previous post)

 

Despite what that article I linked to said, alienation of affection doesn't often even get into the courtroom. Most lawyers know that it is hard to prove and so don't advise their clients to do it. When they do proceed and win, they are often later overturned by the higher courts, as the awards tend to be very high when a jury wants to make an example out of an OW.

 

But, there aren't many states which still have alienation/criminal conversation laws. My state is one of the few that does, and it even still occasionally has a criminal case for adultery tried here, where the affair partners both face actual jail time. *did I really move to this state?? what was I thinking??*

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I said this a few months ago on this same topic. A W can't file such a brief AND stay married.

 

If they are staying married, you have nothing to worry about if you are in such a state.

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I say if you live in an 'alienation of affection' state get the h*ll out! I just wouldn't live there and I certainly wouldn't get a D there.

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In my thinking, if she has willingly had sex with him since the discovery of the Affair, she gives up any rights to "alienation of affection". Just my thinking.

 

But also remember MBEG, there are plenty of people who have posted in the Infidelity section who were completely blinded-sided by the affair ~ who thought they HAD a good marriage (I wouldn't say perfect because NO relationship IMHO is perfect). But those people can tell you they saw NO red flags.

 

The issues are within the cheater. I don't care if he/she supposedly had this horrible marriage -- they had other options besides cheating. I don't want to hear "but he/she didn't want to be without the kids" or "he/she didn't want to lose their money" or all the other excuses for not leaving.

 

If you are unhappy/miserable in a marriage, you make changes or get out. You don't cheat. As an extreme example, if you have a problem with a person, you don't take a gun and shoot them.

 

I realize people all have different morals, but to me, the person who turns to cheating has a character flaw. They either refuse to accept 50% culpability in marital issues, they refuse to seek help to fix marital issues, they instead turn to cheating as the 'answer'.

 

It isn't fair to the other person ~ it isn't fair to lead them on (if it is anything more than just sex). I think most people who get involved with a married person do so for more than just sex. They get attached and then more than likely, they get hurt.

 

If a person gets involved with a married person, they are choosing to accept less than they deserve (if they are wanting more than just sex). They are setting the standard for what they will accept.

 

But back to your thoughts --- red flag can be apparent or they may not be. Each individual situation is just that -- individual. No two situations are exactly alike. Some may see red flag but another may not see those same things as red flags.

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just looked it up...no alienation of affection in my state, but still curious about the question.

 

thanks for those opinions butterfly! no, i certainly didnt seduce him. or chase him or try to take things further. it was quite the opposite.

 

im just wondering if his close calls were a red flag that he was on the path to have an A. whatever the reason he had this A....was it there for a while and he just didnt act on it until me...or were those other girls just meaningless situations.

 

I'd say his hot pursuit of you was the first big red flag, then the other previous "close calls" (yeah right ;)). He is all about "alienation of affection" - toward you, toward his W, toward the previous OW's, toward the next poor female he sets his sights on. The guy's a rat, plain and simple, and you're wasting your precious time and energy even thinking about him.

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