My update...not doing well at all

[I Miss the Kiss]

Hi everyone,

 

Fooled Once asked for an update (thank you, FO). Well, its almost too sad to even talk about, but tuesday afternoon I started to feel so sad, alone, and miserable that I was having very dark thoughts. I called my STBXH and he thankfully came over to talk to me. He ended up taking me (with my permission) to what amounts to an inpatient psych unit. I stayed there 3 nights. I have been put on antidepressants and diagnosed with major depression (go figure). I cannot sleep, eat, or otherwise.

 

I thought I was feeling better, but today, which is day #2 of being home, I am crying and miserable again, although not necessarily having unsafe thoughts. I did not tell xMM where I was, nor has he asked. But guess how sick I am? As soon as I got home from the hospital, I sent him a voicemail. It was short and sweet, did not spell out where I had been but did say that I had been away for a few days and that those days were hell.

 

I tried to treat my inpatient time as "detox" from him bc I couldn't have a cell phone or computer. We could use the phone, but there was not way I was calling him directly, which is the only strength I have left.

 

I thought I was better, but today I am not. I know it will come in waves and I will be okay eventually, but as much of an a$$hat as he is, I am still in love with him. I won't be someday, I know that. But right now I am, and it is the most gut-wrenching pain I have ever experienced.

 

As for my voice mail, a few hours later I did get a text reply. He said something like, "I had to decide, xxxx. I had to pick one and I picked my kids..."

 

I replied, "You broke my heart..."

 

He replied, "My heart is broken too. Two women, I had to choose. Why would you even want to contact me? I sh*t on you..."

 

And then it hit me: He is still fishing for acceptance and validation. Wanting to hear why I would contact him, which would boost his ego. So all I said was, "I don't know..."

 

He replied, "Short of a TRAGEDY, we can't be together."

 

UGH he is still using that tragedy line.

 

So I am on the verge of another emotional breakdown (never got over the first one, hospital didn't do a thing to help me).

 

I am functioning. Went to daughter's gymnastics meet today and had fun, very proud of her. But inside I am dying slowly. Tonight I stood in my kitchen, alone, and cried for 30 minutes straight. Standing there, didn't move. How sad is that....

 

TO ANYONE READING THIS WHO HAS NOT YET HAD AN AFFAIR BUT IS THINKING ABOUT IT, DO NOT DO IT. JUST DON'T.

 

I have to get better. Please be kind. I am beyond broken tonight...

[jj33]

Oh IMTK we are all thinking of you. As horrendous as it feels it will get better in time. Be patient with yourself. Cry as much as you need to. Get it all out.

 

Doing the things you need to do, being with your kids, being as strong as you can for your kids will be helpful. Living your life day to day one day at a time.

 

Its horrible to lose someone you love. But he is no longer a part of your life.

 

HOW DARE HE ask for validation. You already gave him your heart and he stomped on it. He doesnt get any more from you. NOTHING.

 

YOU need you. Your kids need you. You dont have anything more to give to a man who has made it clear he has nothing to give back.

 

You will have bad days and worse days but day by day you will heal even if you cant feel it outwardly. And in a week or two you will feel less depressed. It takes time for the meds to really work and for your system to get used to them.

 

Be kind to yourself. You have been through alot.

 

Take good care.

 

Big hugs

 

jj

[White Flower]

So I am on the verge of another emotional breakdown (never got over the first one, hospital didn't do a thing to help me).

 

I have to get better. Please be kind. I am beyond broken tonight...

I Miss the Kiss,

 

I wish so much for this to go away for you. I know in time you WILL get over him. Be strong for your kids and remind yourself of how selfish this man was. Allow the anger to come out instead of turning it in (which becomes depression) because THAT will help you to focus on putting him out of your mind for good.

 

I know he is in a heroic profession, but inside he is the biggest coward on earth. 'Short of a tragedy' just makes me sick. Here he saves lives (in the rare event there is even an emergency) yet he wishes death on his W as the only way to you. You don't want a man like this in your life sweetie. You are too good for that.

 

That is what he preyed on. Be angry at that. He saw your goodness and used it against you. I wish I could repeat that line out loud so that you could hear it. Be angry with him, not sad about losing him.

 

Thank God for your H who took you in and got you help. The meds will take a while to kick in so please be patient. The crying is good. Dr. John Gray (of Venus and Mars fame) says the more you feel the more you heal. Feel it, cry it out, scream, kick, and throw things. Get it all out. One day you will find that there are no more tears for this man.

 

((((((((IMTK)))))))))

[Angel1111]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly and letting it affect you in this way. I think his response said it all - that he knows that what he did to you was horrible and he's stunned that you would even talk to him right now. I don't think his comment was necessarily about validation, just a truth. I'm sure he was genuinely surprised that you'd still talk to him after what he did.

 

I think he's a complete ass, if you want my opinion. He didn't just make up his mind out of the blue to be with his wife and kids. He knew that when he met you at the hotel, and he's known it all along. You did know that he was capable of this kind of thing - I just hope you will learn from this in the sense that when someone behaves badly toward you, don't keep putting yourself in that position to be hurt again. I'm not lecturing you, it's just that sometimes it does help for us to look at how we played into the situation so that we don't feel completely victimized.

 

This is why we women should be very protective of ourselves and very cautious about who we invite into our lives and hearts. I'm speaking from experience and I know how this stuff can hurt. But you have got to pull yourself together and start being there for your kid(s). There really is life after this guy and I hope that one day you don't look back with regret about how you damaged your kid(s) by making them feel unloved over a guy who doesn't even deserve your attention. Get better.

[JoyDevine]

. But inside I am dying slowly.

 

You have kids? You CAN'T let this kill you.

Just give the antidepressants time to work and hang on. I've had my heart broken and I thought I was going to die. The only thing that helped was time and distance. (no contact whatsover with the man)

 

I just read an old dating book called Getting To I Do.

This part was interesting. The author was talking about obsession:

 

To be obsessed with an unavailable man is to be permanently "safe" from receiving an available man's love. It is the "Ghostly Lover" who keeps us mesmerized with the fantasy of perfection at the cost of reality. If you are in the midst of such an obsession and want to end it, you must not taste, touch, smell, see, or hear him for at least two years....

this was written before internet so I'd add text and email to that .

 

As for the last part of your post - I was considering an affair and stories like yours helped steer me clear, so Thank You.

[OpenBook]

IMTK you are in excruciating pain because you believe that so he goes, there goes your personal happiness with him, forever and ever - am I right? Well, I have been where you are, and I am here to testify that THIS IS AN ILLUSION, a falsehood, a deception of the cruelest and trickiest kind. It is simply not so. I'm with JJ though - you need to "get it all out" right now, release your emotions. The understanding will come in time. And it WILL get better. Trust me on this.

[Angel1111]

I just read an old dating book called Getting To I Do.

 

That book is EXCELLENT!

[pureinheart]

IMTK you are in excruciating pain because you believe that so he goes, there goes your personal happiness with him, forever and ever - am I right? Well, I have been where you are, and I am here to testify that THIS IS AN ILLUSION, a falsehood, a deception of the cruelest and trickiest kind. It is simply not so. I'm with JJ though - you need to "get it all out" right now, release your emotions. The understanding will come in time. And it WILL get better. Trust me on this.

 

Very good reply...doesn't get much better than all of the above.

 

Want to add, it could be much like a "death", greive it as such as your life shall continue...as lonely and hurt as you feel right now, a new strength will arise in you.

 

When this strength begins to show the first signs, then arise and shine, for your light has come....GBU

[Angel1111]

You are SO lucky your stbxh isn't me...had my xWW required this inpatient care over her lover, I would have that in front of the judge so fast your head would spin.

 

I agree with this - she's risking losing custody of her children. That's not to say that her husband isn't already considering this.

 

IMTK, if you're not careful, you're going to end up creating bigger problems in your life than you can imagine. Please learn to pull yourself together when you need to be there for your kids. As parents, we don't have the option to fall apart. Your xMM crushed you twice now - you will so regret it if you let this drag you down further.

[whichwayisup]

Don't waste your sadness 24/7 on this jerk-off! Openbook is right. It's an illusion. What you're hanging onto is the fantasy that was created. You know who he is, you know what the reality is now.

 

It's OK to feel awful and cry, but you have to pick yourself up and continue on. For your kids sake.

 

Ask for help. Rely on good friends, family and your STBX-H to help out. You are lucky he's been supportive and understanding. Not that many stbx's would be.

 

Keep telling yourself that it's a GOOD THING that xMM is out of your life. He made his choice, whether you agree with it or not, it's a done deal. No more contact = No more new hurts. Remember that!

 

Hugs and take care of you.

[Brokenlady]

I agree with this - she's risking losing custody of her children. That's not to say that her husband isn't already considering this.

 

IMTK, if you're not careful, you're going to end up creating bigger problems in your life than you can imagine. Please learn to pull yourself together when you need to be there for your kids. As parents, we don't have the option to fall apart. Your xMM crushed you twice now - you will so regret it if you let this drag you down further.

 

 

IMTK,

Let me first say that I can totally sympathize with you. There were many many times that I thought a 72-hour vacation from life would be delightful. What always held me back was the knowledge that my xH would use it against me for custody leverage. Although we get along great, I am quite sure it is not in anyone's best interest to "trust" him to not do that. (In truth, I trust almost no one, I've found it's safer to be wary).

 

I'm curious as to why you called your stbxH rather than a friend...are you considering going back to your M or is it that your friendships suffered because of the affair?

 

I hope you are doing better today. For your own protection though, I think Angel makes a great point, be careful how much you tell your stbxH. IC's can be helpful, hopefully you have one.

[jennie-jennie]

(((((IMTK))))))

 

I know that pain. It is awful.

 

My daughter came in to me while I was laying in bed depressed during NC and asked, do I have to suffer now because you are hurting, Mom? And I answered, yes.

[White Flower]

(((((IMTK))))))

 

I know that pain. It is awful.

 

My daughter came in to me while I was laying in bed depressed during NC and asked, do I have to suffer now because you are hurting, Mom? And I answered, yes.

My kids suffer too they just don't know why. Usually because I'm distand and just not ready to concentrate on their problem the second they walk in the room. But I overcome it and try to focus in the following seconds.

 

FWIW, we would have these problems in ANY kind of R, not just EMAs.

[jj33]

IMTK how are you today? I hope today was a better day.

 

Heartbreak is devastating enough when you are not dealing with a major depression. But to be battling a depression so serious that you had to be hospitalized, well all I can say is that you dont know how strong you are.

 

You are VERY strong. Lots of us have cried and fallen apart for a few days from the heartbreak alone. So give yourself a lot of credit.

 

Can your children stay with your STBXH for a few days while you find your bearings? Or is it better having them with you?

 

Take good care

 

jj

[White Flower]

How are you doing today IMTK?

 

We need to change your acronym to make you laugh. Hmmm.....

 

I made those kites?

 

No?

 

In my too kit? No?

 

I'll mauled that kid? Not quite?

 

I mated that kitty?

 

Come on LSers, help me make her laugh.

[fooled once]

How are you doing today IMTK?

 

We need to change your acronym to make you laugh. Hmmm.....

 

I made those kites?

 

No?

 

In my too kit? No?

 

I'll mauled that kid? Not quite?

 

I mated that kitty?

 

Come on LSers, help me make her laugh.

IMTK -- I might take kickboxing?

 

Hmmm.....

 

I miss Tom Kat?

 

I'm too kool?

 

 

Honey -- let us know how you are!!!!

[White Flower]

IMTK -- I might take kickboxing?

 

Hmmm.....

 

I miss Tom Kat?

 

I'm too kool?

 

 

Honey -- let us know how you are!!!!

I love that! You are too kook IMTK!

[Angel1111]

My daughter came in to me while I was laying in bed depressed during NC and asked, do I have to suffer now because you are hurting, Mom? And I answered, yes.

 

When I was with my verbally abusive ex, it was very, very hard to leave. I remember thinking how hard it was and being amazed by that. But the one thing that I could never get past was this vision of my son as an adult asking me, "Mom, why did you stay with someone who was so mean to me, and who made our home life so horrible? Why did you do that? I'm still traumatized by this person and he ruined my childhood. Why? Why didn't you leave him?" And I knew that no matter what I said, there would be no good answer to this question. My only answer would've been, "Because I was too weak and I didn't love you enough to protect you."

 

This is not an answer I was willing to give my son. This was not an excuse I was willing to live with. It's the same with all of you out there who are hurting so much but have children who need you. What answer will you give your child one day? What would you say to them if they were able to articulate their pain, or when they're able to articulate their pain? Would you feel that your answer was good enough? Will you ever forgive yourself for, in effect, abandoning your children because you couldn't pull yourself together emotionally, because you didn't have the strength to be a the grown-up for them - all because of some a-hole who in 5 yrs, you'll look back at and wonder what you ever saw in him?

 

Please don't find yourself looking back with this kind of deep, irreconcilable regret because of the way you treat your children when you're going through emotional pain. I always told myself that when my son was in bed, or off somewhere else, then I could indulge in crying. But when I was with him, I found a way to pull myself together. I have a great son who's now 19 and he respects me for my decisions, he stands up for himself when people treat him unfairly, and I'd like to believe that had I taught him differently, or if I had made different decisions, he may not be that way. I don't worry about him coming to me in anger or grief asking me why I let such a horrible man into our lives, why I wasn't a better parent. The best part is, I get to watch him start his glorious life in college as happy as I had ever hoped he would be. That's my reward. That's my peace of mind.

 

The years go by in a blink, my friends, and I'll tell you now that your children may be all you have at the end of the day, and they are a pure treasure - even more so as you get older. Please do not mar your relationship with them. No one - and I mean NO ONE - is worth it to cause you to do damage to that.

[alg24]

I am so beyond sorry for the pain you are feeling

 

Big hugs!!

 

My exMM and I had a roller-coaster of a "relationship" to say the least. In the past when we had broken up I would not eat, cry for days, I told him more than once I wanted to die, the pain was so intense. My A lasted just about 2yrs and he was my first "love". (I am now 21 and he is 38)

 

As of now I have been in about over a week of NC with my exMM. The worst part is we live in this tiny seasonal town and our jobs are less than 1/2 mile apart! Yes it really does hurt, it hurts SO much. BUT you don't deserve this. You are so much better than this. Cry if you must, talk to friends that you can trust, write in a diary. Do NOT text, do NOT call-- it will only hurt you more. The "good" memories are NOT reality. Write a list of the NEGATIVE things about exMM.

 

I thought I had something special with my MM. I changed him, he found true love with me, and thats why he did what he did with me (the A). Sorry, but that was NOT the case.

 

You do NOT want this man. Be happy he is out of your life. Grieve if you must but let yourself heal. Trust me I understand the pain. You deserve so much better. Contacting him will only hurt yourself more. Let the wounds properly heal.

 

Remember you are special. You have a heart and that is why you feel so much pain. You are a good person. Move forward.

 

BIG BIG BIG Hugs!

[fooled once]

When I was with my verbally abusive ex, it was very, very hard to leave. I remember thinking how hard it was and being amazed by that. But the one thing that I could never get past was this vision of my son as an adult asking me, "Mom, why did you stay with someone who was so mean to me, and who made our home life so horrible? Why did you do that? I'm still traumatized by this person and he ruined my childhood. Why? Why didn't you leave him?" And I knew that no matter what I said, there would be no good answer to this question. My only answer would've been, "Because I was too weak and I didn't love you enough to protect you."

 

This is not an answer I was willing to give my son. This was not an excuse I was willing to live with. It's the same with all of you out there who are hurting so much but have children who need you. What answer will you give your child one day? What would you say to them if they were able to articulate their pain, or when they're able to articulate their pain? Would you feel that your answer was good enough? Will you ever forgive yourself for, in effect, abandoning your children because you couldn't pull yourself together emotionally, because you didn't have the strength to be a the grown-up for them - all because of some a-hole who in 5 yrs, you'll look back at and wonder what you ever saw in him?

 

Please don't find yourself looking back with this kind of deep, irreconcilable regret because of the way you treat your children when you're going through emotional pain. I always told myself that when my son was in bed, or off somewhere else, then I could indulge in crying. But when I was with him, I found a way to pull myself together. I have a great son who's now 19 and he respects me for my decisions, he stands up for himself when people treat him unfairly, and I'd like to believe that had I taught him differently, or if I had made different decisions, he may not be that way. I don't worry about him coming to me in anger or grief asking me why I let such a horrible man into our lives, why I wasn't a better parent. The best part is, I get to watch him start his glorious life in college as happy as I had ever hoped he would be. That's my reward. That's my peace of mind.

 

The years go by in a blink, my friends, and I'll tell you now that your children may be all you have at the end of the day, and they are a pure treasure - even more so as you get older. Please do not mar your relationship with them. No one - and I mean NO ONE - is worth it to cause you to do damage to that.

 

What an awesome post!

 

I wholeheartedly agree -- the years go so fast... my son is about to turn 21 and I can't believe the years have gone by so quickly....I remember him vividly at 10 years old and it seems like yesterday.

 

During my 'sad' time while in my A, and all I wanted to do was crawl in bed, I actually made a game of "camping" with my son -- we would bring food into my room, turn on cartoons or a movie and eat in bed. This allowed me to be sad, curl up in a ball, but also make it fun for him. I much preferred to be alone so I could just bawl my eyes out, but I thank GOD that He gave me a child so that I HAD TO parent -- I couldn't completely fall apart every day. He still needed to be fed, tended to, homework done, shower taken care of etc. In times of sadness, the greatest gift is a child to help you get outside of yourself.

 

I am very thankful that my son doesn't seem to have any memory of this 'sad' time. He also has no idea the MM was married, thank goodness. I can't image having to explain to him why mommy was seeing him.

 

Excellent post and congrats on your son turning into a fine young man!

[Ms. Red]

 

So I am on the verge of another emotional breakdown (never got over the first one, hospital didn't do a thing to help me).

 

I am functioning. Went to daughter's gymnastics meet today and had fun, very proud of her. But inside I am dying slowly. Tonight I stood in my kitchen, alone, and cried for 30 minutes straight. Standing there, didn't move. How sad is that....

 

TO ANYONE READING THIS WHO HAS NOT YET HAD AN AFFAIR BUT IS THINKING ABOUT IT, DO NOT DO IT. JUST DON'T.

 

I have to get better. Please be kind. I am beyond broken tonight...

 

Hugs to you! Just keep pulling from that inner strength that you know you have. You pulled from it and made it to your daughter's meet. When you feel yourself slipping into the negative, picture your daughter's face and the feeling you had when you were feeling so proud of her. Refuse to give the negative thoughts time to surface to the point of having dark thoughts.

 

You can do this and make it through the pain. Many OW have done this and it has made them stronger in the end. I made it through my hell and I hope I was able to keep it from my son like you did for your daughter. I've only told my story once on here in the middle of someone else's thread. I had to keep my pain to myself and hide it from my family and friends. I only had one friend to confide in and he was thousands of miles away.

 

You can do this! Stay strong! I wish you only the best. =^-^=

[jennie-jennie]

When I was with my verbally abusive ex, it was very, very hard to leave. I remember thinking how hard it was and being amazed by that. But the one thing that I could never get past was this vision of my son as an adult asking me, "Mom, why did you stay with someone who was so mean to me, and who made our home life so horrible? Why did you do that? I'm still traumatized by this person and he ruined my childhood. Why? Why didn't you leave him?" And I knew that no matter what I said, there would be no good answer to this question. My only answer would've been, "Because I was too weak and I didn't love you enough to protect you."

 

This is not an answer I was willing to give my son. This was not an excuse I was willing to live with. It's the same with all of you out there who are hurting so much but have children who need you. What answer will you give your child one day? What would you say to them if they were able to articulate their pain, or when they're able to articulate their pain? Would you feel that your answer was good enough? Will you ever forgive yourself for, in effect, abandoning your children because you couldn't pull yourself together emotionally, because you didn't have the strength to be a the grown-up for them - all because of some a-hole who in 5 yrs, you'll look back at and wonder what you ever saw in him?

 

Please don't find yourself looking back with this kind of deep, irreconcilable regret because of the way you treat your children when you're going through emotional pain. I always told myself that when my son was in bed, or off somewhere else, then I could indulge in crying. But when I was with him, I found a way to pull myself together. I have a great son who's now 19 and he respects me for my decisions, he stands up for himself when people treat him unfairly, and I'd like to believe that had I taught him differently, or if I had made different decisions, he may not be that way. I don't worry about him coming to me in anger or grief asking me why I let such a horrible man into our lives, why I wasn't a better parent. The best part is, I get to watch him start his glorious life in college as happy as I had ever hoped he would be. That's my reward. That's my peace of mind.

 

The years go by in a blink, my friends, and I'll tell you now that your children may be all you have at the end of the day, and they are a pure treasure - even more so as you get older. Please do not mar your relationship with them. No one - and I mean NO ONE - is worth it to cause you to do damage to that.

 

Please refrain from quoting me when you know nothing about my relationship with my children. What you state in your post does not apply to me. I have a very close relationship to all my children, and they love me and appreciate me as a mom. Just because I let them see that I too am human, does not mean I am hurting them. On the contrary.

[Angel1111]

Please refrain from quoting me when you know nothing about my relationship with my children. What you state in your post does not apply to me. I have a very close relationship to all my children, and they love me and appreciate me as a mom. Just because I let them see that I too am human, does not mean I am hurting them. On the contrary.

 

Sorry, if I made a mistake. It just pains me to hear all the stories about how women are ignoring their children because of their own emotions. I'm glad to hear that you're close to your children.

[jennie-jennie]

Sorry, if I made a mistake. It just pains me to hear all the stories about how women are ignoring their children because of their own emotions. I'm glad to hear that you're close to your children.

 

There are different ways of looking at the world. I for one would never put up a happy face in front of my children and hide my emotions. Not if I was really hurting which is what we are talking about here.

 

I have lived alone with my children for many years, there is noone else who can do the job if I don't, so I always pull myself together and do it even when I feel bad. I have never either ignored nor abandoned my children. For you to imply such a thing is outrageous.

 

Also my oldest daughter is 25, so I do not need a speech about the years passing by.

[jennie-jennie]

What Ellin said above is true, a good mother seeks help in times of need. There is no reason for us to believe that IMTK is not making sure her kids are well taken care of, either by her or someone else.