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space invaders


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[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica][sIZE=2][COLOR=black]Sadly, I have been having an affair for the past eight months. It's with a girl from work. I am single but she lives with her boyfriend. At first it was simple flirting and then increasingly we would spend time together having lunch, or drinks after work. Always in secret, of course.

 

We kissed after a couple of weeks and it was soon after then I asked her about what was going on. She was about to go on a three week holiday with her boyfriend and I wanted to know where I stood. She admitted liking me and said she was not happy at home. That night she gave me a lift home and we held hands in the car. It felt intimate.

 

On her return from holiday, things cooled and, as a result, I backed off. After about three weeks she texted me, saying I seemed busy and she was too shy to come over and chat. We agreed to meet for lunch, and then the illicit meetings started again. We went out drinking, often until the early hours, and we kissed on more than one occasion.

 

Then late one night we got into a taxi, and instead of dropping her off at her flat I took her home and she stayed the night but we only fooled around. Her boyfriend was away. The same happened the very next weekend and again we fooled around and this time it was more intimate. Once again her boyfriend was out of town.

 

Again things cooled a little, but we would text each other in the office each day. But things started up again but instead of just going out for drinks she would come back to mine and eventually a sexual relationship started up for a number of weeks.

 

I was falling in love with her and often our time at my house would be spent just hugging on the sofa. It felt loving on both sides and she often told me how much she liked me and fancied me, unprompted by me. The chemistry was and is very, very strong.

 

As my feelings deepened I became more and more concerned that I may get hurt so after one night out we sat in her car and chatted for about 2 hours in which I told her that I had strong feelings for her and she again admitted feelings for me. I said she needed to decide what she wanted and she agreed.

 

She asked for space because everything was too close and cramping her, making it hard for her to think. I agreed to give her space.

 

That was two weeks ago. She has maintained the texting, but only in office hours and not at the weekend. I am respecting these barriers. We used to text all the time and speak on the phone at weekends etc...

 

The questions is; how much space should I give and how long for, and what do I do if she does not contact me? I kind of expect some answers after her period of contemplation. And do you think she is seriously questioning her relationship or trying to back away from me?

 

This getting close, drifting apart, getting closer and drifting apart has happened throughout our affair, with it always ending up with us closer than before.

 

I really like her and want a relationship, although I know that would be tough.

 

Some further backgound. I am 38 and she is 28. She has told me she is a commitment-phoebe. Sometimes she does seem emotionally immature, but other times the age gap is invisible. She has also told me she has never been single in her adult life. She told me she has never cheated on boyfriends before, and actually I DO believe her regarding this. Very early on in our relationship she described herself as a 'serial monogamist'.

 

Help!! Please!![/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT][/FONT]

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Vince, this is a hard situation because she has decided about needing space, not you. The difference is that if she comes back to you saying that she will choose but it can't be just yet, you will most likely continue the affair under the idea that some of her is not as bad as none of her. However, the longer it goes on like this - on and off, the more you are likely to get hurt. Decide under what context you want to be with her and stick to it. If you want a full relationship, don't settle for anything less.

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Red flags are flapping all over the place.

 

She has a boyfriend, goes on holidays with him, even though things are 'not good' with them.. Uhh, don't believe that! She is doing the push/pull thing with you - Tells you she's a committment Phobe, yet when you back off, she comes looking for you. It's an ego trip for her (not malciously, but selfishly) and to be desired by someone other than your spouse/partner can feel good. She's caught up in that, yet has NO intention of ending her relationship with her boyfriend.

 

All the meanwhile you're letting yoruself get more attached, fall deeper for her. Why? She is using you (again, not malciously, but selfishly) and she's using her boyfriend (comfortable) and you're settling to be second fiddle.

 

If you are OK with being the OM then accept your role, and know that you won't come first alot of the time, that you'll see her on HER time frame, and her terms - Not yours. You won't be able to meet her family, friends, etc, yet if you introduce her to your friends and family - As what? The girlfriend who still has a boyfriend, yet she's seeing you too?

 

You're 38, she's 28. She's not ready to settle down with one person and she's immature, you said it. Plus that committment phobia thing IS a problem - Hense her cheating on her boyfriend. Look what she's capable of doing right now WITH you. Imagine you being her bf and her cheating on you? How would you feel?

 

I hope you think things through, try to detach, take a step back, talk to your friends that you dearly trust and keep posting here, as well as read up on threads in this section and in the infidelity section.

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torranceshipman

She is telling you the truth about being a commitment phobe and serial monogamist - massive red flags. And she hasn't left her boyfriend...and the chemistry between you two is extremely strong. All signs point to 'fling', from her point of view....sorry. She isn't worth the heartache.

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Why is this thread called space invaders? I love that game, but this is sick. Don't you feel guilty for knowingly dating a woman who is committed to another man and goes on holidays with him.

 

I mean why would you want a girl who cheats on people like this. If she does ever break up, which I doubt then she will just end up cheating on you in some way. I hope you are not proud of the position you have put urself in, go date some available girl.

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Why is this thread called space invaders?

 

Because the OP chose that title?

 

I love that game, but this is sick. Don't you feel guilty for knowingly dating a woman who is committed to another man and goes on holidays with him.

 

I mean why would you want a girl who cheats on people like this. If she does ever break up, which I doubt then she will just end up cheating on you in some way. I hope you are not proud of the position you have put urself in, go date some available girl.

 

Clearly, she was available enough or nothing would have happened.

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'Green' I'm here for advice and help, not for some projection-fueled vitriol. Don't you think I am aware of the situation? After all, I am on this forum asking for guidance. Thank you to everyone else for your insight and help. Food for thought.

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