Sagittaria Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 I'm a 30 year old woman in a sexual relationship with a married man. We have a lot of history together - we were a couple for almost a year, and when that relationship finished, we carried on sleeping together on a casual "friends with benefits" basis. However, nearly three years ago, I made the decision to convert to Catholicism and told him our sexual relationship had to stop. It did - and essentially, on the rebound from that, he got married. He claims it "just happened" - as far as I can work out, his wife put a lot of pressure on him to make it happen. We carried on speaking on the phone as friends, with the odd bit of sexual flirtation, but my newfound Catholic guilt wouldn't let it go any further - however this is when he started to tell me he was still in love with me, something he'd never said when we were a couple, and is not the kind of man to say lightly. However, on my 30th birthday last December, we finally gave in to the explosive sexual chemistry between us and slept together. Which we have been doing ever since. He loves me, I love him, we have mind-blowing sex (sorry for TMI!) and it works. Of course, in the ideal world, he'd leave her and we'd be together properly, but I'm not completely naive and I'm not sitting around waiting for it to happen! My theory is this - if I'm fully aware of the situation, and I'm not pressuring him to leave her or fretting over it, what's the problem, right? I know where I stand - I get the fun parts of him and we have a great time together. He says he's not sleeping with her - I do believe him (I know people will probably tell me I'm being stupid there) but I appreciate she's his wife and occasionally they may have sex, but I know when he sleeps with her, he'll be thinking of me. I wasn't going to post this, except I've seen posts by other women in a similar position to me, and it was such a great relief to know that I'm not the only one out there! Oh - and about the Catholic thing? Well, before all this even kicked off I was starting to have a faith crisis anyway, so I'm not even sure I consider myself Catholic anymore anyway!! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 You didn't "find" yourself a mistress, you chose to be a mistress. Simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Malenfant Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 I'm a 30 year old woman in a sexual relationship with a married man. We have a lot of history together - we were a couple for almost a year, and when that relationship finished, we carried on sleeping together on a casual "friends with benefits" basis. However, nearly three years ago, I made the decision to convert to Catholicism and told him our sexual relationship had to stop. It did - and essentially, on the rebound from that, he got married. He claims it "just happened" - as far as I can work out, his wife put a lot of pressure on him to make it happen. We carried on speaking on the phone as friends, with the odd bit of sexual flirtation, but my newfound Catholic guilt wouldn't let it go any further - however this is when he started to tell me he was still in love with me, something he'd never said when we were a couple, and is not the kind of man to say lightly. However, on my 30th birthday last December, we finally gave in to the explosive sexual chemistry between us and slept together. Which we have been doing ever since. He loves me, I love him, we have mind-blowing sex (sorry for TMI!) and it works. Of course, in the ideal world, he'd leave her and we'd be together properly, but I'm not completely naive and I'm not sitting around waiting for it to happen! My theory is this - if I'm fully aware of the situation, and I'm not pressuring him to leave her or fretting over it, what's the problem, right? I know where I stand - I get the fun parts of him and we have a great time together. He says he's not sleeping with her - I do believe him (I know people will probably tell me I'm being stupid there) but I appreciate she's his wife and occasionally they may have sex, but I know when he sleeps with her, he'll be thinking of me. I wasn't going to post this, except I've seen posts by other women in a similar position to me, and it was such a great relief to know that I'm not the only one out there! Oh - and about the Catholic thing? Well, before all this even kicked off I was starting to have a faith crisis anyway, so I'm not even sure I consider myself Catholic anymore anyway!! Interesting that although you say you're happy to be the OW, that you just enjoy the good parts of him, but then you go on to explain that he and his wife rarely have sex, and when they do he's thinking about you, as if that is the only way you can handle the idea. if you need to convince yourself that when he sleeps with his wife he's thinking about you, then this is not a purely physical affair. the main problem lies not in whether or not you can handle this situation, but moreso that you have written nothing of how you feel in regard to his wife. like it or not, and justify it as you will, you are commiting adultery. I'm not religious, but i can see that ultimately it isnt morally correct to be enabling him to cheat on his wife. you seem to dismiss his wife in this, 'i appreciate she is his wife, they must have sex occasionally' but how much do you really know about their marriage, or her? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 Why did your prior relationship with him end? Is infidelity generally accepted in your culture, absent the religion part? Would you say, historically, that you compartmentalize sex and relationships? IOW, see sex and intimacy as separate paths? Can you imagine yourself every being married? How would that go for you? To summarize, you apparently have returned to your FWB-type arrangement with the complication that he is now married. What do you want here? Sounds like you have what you want so I'm a bit unclear as to the reason for posting... Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 I wasn't going to post this, except I've seen posts by other women in a similar position to me, and it was such a great relief to know that I'm not the only one out there! No, you're one of the VERY few who are HAPPY being the OW. Most here are MISERABLE being the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 My theory is this - if I'm fully aware of the situation, and I'm not pressuring him to leave her or fretting over it, what's the problem, right? I know where I stand - I get the fun parts of him and we have a great time together. But what is going to happen when your feelings grow deeper and deeper for this MM.. and he has no intentions of leving his wife? How are you going to feel? Also, are you aware of the fact that so many people could get hurt here? just some food for thought. Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 ------- My theory is this - if I'm fully aware of the situation, and I'm not pressuring him to leave her or fretting over it, what's the problem, right? I know where I stand - I get the fun parts of him and we have a great time together. He says he's not sleeping with her - I do believe him (I know people will probably tell me I'm being stupid there) but I appreciate she's his wife and occasionally they may have sex, but I know when he sleeps with her, he'll be thinking of me. ------------ I'm one of those happy OW who prefer to be the OW actually.. for now. .. but what I don't believe is when he said he's not having sex with his W.. that's a load of cr*p.. .. on the other hand.. I can believe that he's thinking about you when he has sex with her.. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 I can believe that he's thinking about you when he has sex with her.. Lizzie, you impelled my to think of this question: OP, did you end the relationship with the now MM or did he? I'm asking because the trend of action and commentary underscores a tone that the MM had feelings for the OP prior and she didn't want a relationship with him and was using him for sex, continuing into FWB and now into his M. If he indeed 'has feelings for her while having sex with his W', that about seals the deal. OP, have you been married? Any long-term committed relationships over a year? Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 But what is going to happen when your feelings grow deeper and deeper for this MM.. and he has no intentions of leving his wife? How are you going to feel? Also, are you aware of the fact that so many people could get hurt here? just some food for thought. Mea:) Exactly my thoughts We can't control our emotions no matter how hard we try. Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet memories Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 It did - and essentially, on the rebound from that, he got married. He claims it "just happened" - as far as I can work out, his wife put a lot of pressure on him to make it happen.. And you believe him? LOL. How old is he 16? However, on my 30th birthday last December, we finally gave in to the explosive sexual chemistry between us and slept together. Which we have been doing ever since. He loves me, I love him, we have mind-blowing sex (sorry for TMI!) and it works. By the sound of it ...its all about sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazyforhim Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 Exactly my thoughts We can't control our emotions no matter how hard we try. And once you fall, you'll more than likely fall hard. If he stays with his W and you continue the A, you life will be a living hell. The highs are wonderful, but the lows can be unbearable. Link to post Share on other sites
Green Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 He gets off on having to women in his life and uses it as an ego boost. You on the other hand are afraid of a real relationship and are having fun in this lie you have helped create. Both people involved in this kind of thing lose. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 (edited) I'm a 30 year old woman in a sexual relationship with a married man. We have a lot of history together - we were a couple for almost a year, and when that relationship finished, we carried on sleeping together on a casual "friends with benefits" basis. However, nearly three years ago, I made the decision to convert to Catholicism and told him our sexual relationship had to stop. It did - and essentially, on the rebound from that, he got married. He claims it "just happened" - as far as I can work out, his wife put a lot of pressure on him to make it happen. Why did you break up? Why did you agree to a FWB with him? Did you date other men or get into any relationships during the FWB? to Was he dating his wife during the time of his casual FWB with you? We carried on speaking on the phone as friends, with the odd bit of sexual flirtation, but my newfound Catholic guilt wouldn't let it go any further - however this is when he started to tell me he was still in love with me, something he'd never said when we were a couple, and is not the kind of man to say lightly. Is that why you broke up - he never said he was in love with you? Did you want him to be in love with you when you were dating? Is that why you agreed to a FWB - if you couldn't have his love, you would at least have him sexually? He loves me, I love him, we have mind-blowing sex (sorry for TMI!) and it works. Of course, in the ideal world, he'd leave her and we'd be together properly, but I'm not completely naive and I'm not sitting around waiting for it to happen! My theory is this - if I'm fully aware of the situation, and I'm not pressuring him to leave her or fretting over it, what's the problem, right? I know where I stand - I get the fun parts of him and we have a great time together. I don't know your situation, but it reads to me as if you're settling for what you can get from this guy. Like maybe he was "the one that got away" and now you've rationalized that "you get the fun parts of him" and that's enough, when really, you'd prefer that he divorce his wife and be with you. At some point, you won't be able to fool yourself anymore that an affair with him is enough for you. You've already had what sounds like half your adult life wrapped up in either a dating relationship, a FWB, or an affair with this man. How much more of your life are you willing to give up to someone you can't have? Edited January 31, 2010 by norajane Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 I'm a 30 year old woman in a sexual relationship with a married man. We have a lot of history together - we were a couple for almost a year, and when that relationship finished, we carried on sleeping together on a casual "friends with benefits" basis. However, nearly three years ago, I made the decision to convert to Catholicism and told him our sexual relationship had to stop. It did - and essentially, on the rebound from that, he got married. He claims it "just happened" - as far as I can work out, his wife put a lot of pressure on him to make it happen. We carried on speaking on the phone as friends, with the odd bit of sexual flirtation, but my newfound Catholic guilt wouldn't let it go any further - however this is when he started to tell me he was still in love with me, something he'd never said when we were a couple, and is not the kind of man to say lightly. However, on my 30th birthday last December, we finally gave in to the explosive sexual chemistry between us and slept together. Which we have been doing ever since. He loves me, I love him, we have mind-blowing sex (sorry for TMI!) and it works. Of course, in the ideal world, he'd leave her and we'd be together properly, but I'm not completely naive and I'm not sitting around waiting for it to happen! My theory is this - if I'm fully aware of the situation, and I'm not pressuring him to leave her or fretting over it, what's the problem, right? I know where I stand - I get the fun parts of him and we have a great time together. He says he's not sleeping with her - I do believe him (I know people will probably tell me I'm being stupid there) but I appreciate she's his wife and occasionally they may have sex, but I know when he sleeps with her, he'll be thinking of me. I wasn't going to post this, except I've seen posts by other women in a similar position to me, and it was such a great relief to know that I'm not the only one out there! Oh - and about the Catholic thing? Well, before all this even kicked off I was starting to have a faith crisis anyway, so I'm not even sure I consider myself Catholic anymore anyway!! the problem is his wife doesn't know and this affair does affect her. What if she gets an STD? Why doesn't she get to know of the affair and then she can make a decision on if she wants to be involved in this triangle. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 but I know when he sleeps with her, he'll be thinking of me. If this keeps you on the straight and narrow with him, all the power to you. Just know that you are NOT in his head and have no idea what he thinks or feels, or does when he sleeps with his wife. All this does is keep a 'hope' going, a fantasy that YOU are NUMBER ONE. Sorry, but if he truly wanted you all for himself, he would be honest, talk to his wife and divorce her. You may not be pressuring him to leave, or divorce her, but eventually you WILL want him to because what you have with him won't be enough..Sooner or later. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 I suppose if it works for you and you don't intend to be more than the OW then there isn't much to say really. If the W turns up pregnant, what do you intend to do? Will you stay with him? I don't know that he will leave. You showed him that you will accept him and sleep with him while he is married, so he has no real reason to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 after 3 years of an A i was still more than happy to just be the OW. I never wanted to be anything more. I knew the boundaries and it didnt bother me at all. Not one bit. I was thankful for the time that I had with him. I'm not sure I would want anything more like a serious relationship with him. my xmm was having sex with his wife the entire time. he did tell me with great detail that it was me he was thinking about during sex with her. true or not, its what he told me and i was ok with it. good luck to you. its a long hard road to be the ow. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 after 3 years of an A i was still more than happy to just be the OW. I never wanted to be anything more. I knew the boundaries and it didnt bother me at all. Not one bit. I was thankful for the time that I had with him. I'm not sure I would want anything more like a serious relationship with him. But you were married while having the affair, weren't you? I think that's a little different than a single woman in an affair. Your time and thoughts were just as divided as the MM's was, for good or bad, while a single OW is focused entirely on the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 i guess that youre right. but so often many women being married or single still have the ultimate goal of ending up with the MM. i never did, and so i was fortunate enough not to have the negative feelings during the A. it was only after it ended that i experienced the painful side of being the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 (edited) So MBEG, if you didn't want anything more ... and it was just an affair ... why are you so hurt over it ending? Did you think it wasn't going to end? Did you expect to just keep having sex with him until..... I am not being snarky or crappy, but I am obviously missing something. You are/were in love with him, which is more than just an affair, IMHO. You were/are willing to end your marriage to just be the OW? help me understand this... Edited February 3, 2010 by fooled once Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 To summarize, you apparently have returned to your FWB-type arrangement with the complication that he is now married. What do you want here? Sounds like you have what you want so I'm a bit unclear as to the reason for posting... This is what I want to know? Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Not to encourage the affair, but as a matter of fact -- I was not sleeping with my husband for the period in which I had an affair. In fact, we still aren't -- but that's another story. My point is, I don't think we can absolutely know whether he is telling the truth or not about not sleeping with his wife. It's possible he isn't having sex with his wife. To the OP: Will you be okay with the affair when a time comes where the two of you must let go of one another? Suppose your affair is found out? Is it worth it to you? The pain to his wife, the pain to your own heart, etc.? I'm not asking in judgment. I'm just wondering if you've thought it all out? I would find it very difficult not to be very emotionally attached. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I'm a 30 year old woman in a sexual relationship with a married man. We have a lot of history together - we were a couple for almost a year, and when that relationship finished, we carried on sleeping together on a casual "friends with benefits" basis. However, nearly three years ago, I made the decision to convert to Catholicism and told him our sexual relationship had to stop. It did - and essentially, on the rebound from that, he got married. He claims it "just happened" - as far as I can work out, his wife put a lot of pressure on him to make it happen. We carried on speaking on the phone as friends, with the odd bit of sexual flirtation, but my newfound Catholic guilt wouldn't let it go any further - however this is when he started to tell me he was still in love with me, something he'd never said when we were a couple, and is not the kind of man to say lightly. However, on my 30th birthday last December, we finally gave in to the explosive sexual chemistry between us and slept together. Which we have been doing ever since. He loves me, I love him, we have mind-blowing sex (sorry for TMI!) and it works. Of course, in the ideal world, he'd leave her and we'd be together properly, but I'm not completely naive and I'm not sitting around waiting for it to happen! My theory is this - if I'm fully aware of the situation, and I'm not pressuring him to leave her or fretting over it, what's the problem, right? I know where I stand - I get the fun parts of him and we have a great time together. He says he's not sleeping with her - I do believe him (I know people will probably tell me I'm being stupid there) but I appreciate she's his wife and occasionally they may have sex, but I know when he sleeps with her, he'll be thinking of me. I wasn't going to post this, except I've seen posts by other women in a similar position to me, and it was such a great relief to know that I'm not the only one out there! Oh - and about the Catholic thing? Well, before all this even kicked off I was starting to have a faith crisis anyway, so I'm not even sure I consider myself Catholic anymore anyway!! Welcome Sagittaria! I noticed that you brought up your faith a couple of times...it is very important to you and that is obvious...I was raised Catholic and am now non denominational....this is what I can communicate to you about your faith in God and the situation you are in...there will be conflict within you. Catholicism is about God....He is the center. I know I will receive a bunch of flack for what I am about to say, but since when has that stopped me...lol....anyway, I get myself into messes and God gets me out...you can go to God for anything at anytime. You know what, none of us are perfect....my thoughts are with you .... Hey may I ask why he did not M you...you said he was pressured by his W, do you think it was about sex? Link to post Share on other sites
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