xMM's W checking my myspace.....

[hopeless4u]

OK so I get that she googled me on DDay and wanted to see what I looked like but WTF!! Its been almost 6 wks, I've not pressured xMM in any way, yes I've taken his calls, talked to him at work but not once have I got upset in front of him, not once have I tried to sway his decision. I've supported him about trying to see if he has anything left with his M to work on in the best way I can.

I have good days and bad days, I have bad thoughts sometime, usually when I post on here......so tonight....a text from xMM's W....asking about my myspace posting??

I was venting and wrote....

If you truly love someone then how far would you go to keep them?

 

I was feeling quite sorry for myself at the time, had no idea she was reading it but she sent a text asking who was this question for, me or him??

 

 

She wanted me out of their life so why is she dragging me back into it??

[NoIDidn't]

She is checking out your MySpace, not driving by your house. Its ONLY been six weeks for her, but you've been knowing this thing was likely going to end in some way for months.

 

I say, ignore it. She's curious. And you really have nothing to lose or gain by complaining about it now.

[hopeless4u]

She is checking out your MySpace, not driving by your house. Its ONLY been six weeks for her, but you've been knowing this thing was likely going to end in some way for months.

 

I say, ignore it. She's curious. And you really have nothing to lose or gain by complaining about it now.

 

 

Its not her checking stuff out that I'm going on about it's the texting me about it.

So now I'm being careful what I put on my own myspace in case she reads it.

She wants me out of their life but when it suits her she can just come straight back into mine??

[PhoenixRise]

Its not her checking stuff out that I'm going on about it's the texting me about it.

So now I'm being careful what I put on my own myspace in case she reads it.

She wants me out of their life but when it suits her she can just come straight back into mine??

 

 

I say unless this continues just ignore it.

 

She is checking your myspace (you could change the setting to make it not public) because it has only been 6 weeks. She is checking because she suspects that you are NOT out of their life.

 

She texted you because what you wrote strengthened her suspicion that you are not out of their life. AND she is right. You are not out as you still have contact with MM.

 

If this gets to the point of harrassment then you should take whatever steps necessary to protect yourself and your peace of mind.

 

But she contacted you because her instincts are telling her the truth.

[NoIDidn't]

I say unless this continues just ignore it.

 

She is checking your myspace (you could change the setting to make it not public) because it has only been 6 weeks. She is checking because she suspects that you are NOT out of their life.

 

She texted you because what you wrote strengthened her suspicion that you are not out of their life. AND she is right. You are not out as you still have contact with MM.

 

If this gets to the point of harrassment then you should take whatever steps necessary to protect yourself and your peace of mind.

 

But she contacted you because her instincts are telling her the truth.

 

And she would be correct that hopeless is not entirely out of her life. There is still contact between her and xMM. The W is not stupid. She knows that her H is lying to her. She probably even suspects that it is he that initiates the contact.

 

She has decided to keep an eye on hopeless to see when one of them is going to slip up in their lies to her. HL4U, you did tell her that you would let her know if he contacted you. You haven't kept up your end of the bargain. I'm willing to bet that she would have taken it out on him and not on her, but you gave her your word and then went back on it. She has no reason to believe you - and her H is likely feeding that belief.

 

Tell her to stop texting you about your MySpace. Tell her about the breaks in NC. But then tell her you want no further contact with her, she really needs to deal with him.

 

What you are dealing with is annoying, but I doubt it will escalate.

[bittersweet memories]

OK so I get that she googled me on DDay and wanted to see what I looked like but WTF!! Its been almost 6 wks, I've not pressured xMM in any way, yes I've taken his calls, talked to him at work but not once have I got upset in front of him, not once have I tried to sway his decision. I've supported him about trying to see if he has anything left with his M to work on in the best way I can.

I have good days and bad days, I have bad thoughts sometime, usually when I post on here......so tonight....a text from xMM's W....asking about my myspace posting??

I was venting and wrote....

If you truly love someone then how far would you go to keep them?

 

I was feeling quite sorry for myself at the time, had no idea she was reading it but she sent a text asking who was this question for, me or him??

 

 

She wanted me out of their life so why is she dragging me back into it??

 

Oh please!! Its only been 6 weeks. If it was 1 year...than ok.

 

 

She's not dragging you back into their lifes because you haven't gone anywhere, you are still talking to her husband..

[hopeless4u]

I say unless this continues just ignore it.

 

She is checking your myspace (you could change the setting to make it not public) because it has only been 6 weeks. She is checking because she suspects that you are NOT out of their life.

 

She texted you because what you wrote strengthened her suspicion that you are not out of their life. AND she is right. You are not out as you still have contact with MM.

 

If this gets to the point of harrassment then you should take whatever steps necessary to protect yourself and your peace of mind.

 

But she contacted you because her instincts are telling her the truth.

 

 

My myspace is public because I also use it to promote my sons band so not much good to him if I make it private.

We work together and he has told her he is still in love with me so yes I'm sure she knows he has spoken to me.

Like I said, i'm doing the best I can do in a bad situation but the rest is up to them. I can only do so much.

[whichwayisup]

Then create another one, and make it private.

 

If this one is for promoting your son's band, then WHY are posting such personal thoughts for 'anyone and everyone' to read? If it's public, it's public and anyone can read it. sorry, I find it odd that you post about your MM on there and also promote your son's band. Does your son read your myspace?

 

Change your cell number, or block her.

 

You also say you take his calls, so there still is contact.

[hopeless4u]

And she would be correct that hopeless is not entirely out of her life. There is still contact between her and xMM. The W is not stupid. She knows that her H is lying to her. She probably even suspects that it is he that initiates the contact.

 

She has decided to keep an eye on hopeless to see when one of them is going to slip up in their lies to her. HL4U, you did tell her that you would let her know if he contacted you. You haven't kept up your end of the bargain. I'm willing to bet that she would have taken it out on him and not on her, but you gave her your word and then went back on it. She has no reason to believe you - and her H is likely feeding that belief.

 

Tell her to stop texting you about your MySpace. Tell her about the breaks in NC. But then tell her you want no further contact with her, she really needs to deal with him.

 

What you are dealing with is annoying, but I doubt it will escalate.

 

Yes I agree she is not stupid but SHE also decided to stay with her H.

I told her if he tried to resume the A then I would tell her, he hasn't.

Yes initially he told me things he shouldn't of about them in the 1st week and did lean on me a little but he hasn't been like that for a while.

There would be nothing to gain for anyone by me telling her we still speak, its only at work and its not really about 'the situation'.

 

I just needed some insight I guess, was quite shocked to get the text.

[whichwayisup]

Yesterday's thread says that HE told you - He told her that he is still inlove with you. And that he still isn't sure about his marriage.. which is giving you hope.

 

So, IF he truly DID tell her this, then she is reacting.

 

The A might be over, but you are still talking and having daily contact, at work, by phone or email and it's personal. wouldn't say EA, but feelings are STILL being fed, which is far from "over" and "out" of his life, their life, aka marriage.

 

Re-read what you wrote yesterday.

[hopeless4u]

Then create another one, and make it private.

 

If this one is for promoting your son's band, then WHY are posting such personal thoughts for 'anyone and everyone' to read? If it's public, it's public and anyone can read it. sorry, I find it odd that you post about your MM on there and also promote your son's band. Does your son read your myspace?

 

Change your cell number, or block her.

 

You also say you take his calls, so there still is contact.

 

 

I'm sorry but why should I create a new one?? Yes I promote my sons band but I also have friends on there. Its not just for his band and who knows if he reads it, it wasn't deep, just a post. It wasn't meant for anyone at the time, just how I was feeling.

[PhoenixRise]

My myspace is public because I also use it to promote my sons band so not much good to him if I make it private.

We work together and he has told her he is still in love with me so yes I'm sure she knows he has spoken to me.

Like I said, i'm doing the best I can do in a bad situation but the rest is up to them. I can only do so much.

 

 

Hopeless4u.

 

She suspects, I seriously doubt she knows.

 

Do you honestly think that MM tells her he is still in contact with you?

No. I would bet that if he says anything about you at all he is telling her that it is over with you and there is no contact.

 

After dday he told her it was over with you. AND you promised her you would tell her if he contacted you (an unwise promise).

 

At this point, you can't stay involved and still be surprised that the wife is questioning your involvement. If you are going to have a relationship/friendship/whatever with MM and he is not leaving the marriage, then his wife is going to object.

 

AND yes she should take up these issues with her H. Hopefully she is doing just that. But you inserted yourself when you made an unwise promise to her.

[hopeless4u]

Yesterday's thread says that HE told you - He told her that he is still inlove with you. And that he still isn't sure about his marriage.. which is giving you hope.

 

So, IF he truly DID tell her this, then she is reacting.

 

The A might be over, but you are still talking and having daily contact, at work, by phone or email and it's personal. wouldn't say EA, but feelings are STILL being fed, which is far from "over" and "out" of his life, their life, aka marriage.

 

Re-read what you wrote yesterday.

 

Yes I know what I wrote and I have always said I still have feelings for him and probably always will but he knows I have stepped back to let him sort his M out. What more can I do? Lie to him and say I don't love him anymore?

We don't have contact daily, just when he is in my office, sometimes everyday sometimes once or twice a week.

[NoIDidn't]

Yes I agree she is not stupid but SHE also decided to stay with her H.

I told her if he tried to resume the A then I would tell her, he hasn't.

Yes initially he told me things he shouldn't of about them in the 1st week and did lean on me a little but he hasn't been like that for a while.

There would be nothing to gain for anyone by me telling her we still speak, its only at work and its not really about 'the situation'.

 

I just needed some insight I guess, was quite shocked to get the text.

 

So you are blaming her for staying with her H when you both are making excuses to speak with one another? How is it her fault when you are a willing participant in these conversations?

 

You haven't really said what the text was in response to, so I assume (right or wrong) that there was something you posted on the MySpace page that she found fishy and asked you about it. Did you respond back? Did you tell her the truth to the question she asked? You would have been well within your rights to respond back and tell her to stop invading your life by checking your MySpace page. But it doesn't sound like you did that. So, why not? Afraid its going to start an argument you don't think you can win without saying things that will hurt her, or anger your "x"-MM.

 

And, don't worry about the "x" thing. This is a stage that *some* go through when recently ending an affair. Its not fair of you to expect her to bounce back from d-day so quickly. Six weeks is no time. How long did you grieve when your H left you for another woman? I bet it was far longer than six weeks. That's what she is up against. It matters not that he stayed. Same process. The man she knew is dead.

 

I'm not asking you to feel sorry for her. I'm saying that you need to consider what you would do in her shoes. Be honest about it. You haven't really elaborated on the aftermath of when your xH left you for an OW, but I'm sure what she is doing isn't foreign to you (if MySpace was available back then, you likely would have used it too). Technology changes, but the actions taken after being heartbroken don't change much.

[PhoenixRise]

I'm sorry but why should I create a new one?? Yes I promote my sons band but I also have friends on there. Its not just for his band and who knows if he reads it, it wasn't deep, just a post. It wasn't meant for anyone at the time, just how I was feeling.

 

 

Hopeless4u

 

If you post things about your feeling about MM on a public forum where your identity is known, a forum that you use to promote your child's band then you can't be surprised that you get a response from the w.

 

Post as much on your myspace as you want. Don't create another profile if don't want to. It is your right to make these choices. Just know that you might get a response that you don't like.

[hopeless4u]

Hopeless4u.

 

She suspects, I seriously doubt she knows.

 

Do you honestly think that MM tells her he is still in contact with you?

No. I would bet that if he says anything about you at all he is telling her that it is over with you and there is no contact.

 

After dday he told her it was over with you. AND you promised her you would tell her if he contacted you (an unwise promise).

 

At this point, you can't stay involved and still be surprised that the wife is questioning your involvement. If you are going to have a relationship/friendship/whatever with MM and he is not leaving the marriage, then his wife is going to object.

 

AND yes she should take up these issues with her H. Hopefully she is doing just that. But you inserted yourself when you made an unwise promise to her.

 

 

Yeah I get this and you are right when you say about the promise to tell her if he contacted me, I did say if he tried to resume the A and like I said earlier, he hasn't.

Its all very messy and very confusing, hopefully things will calm down.

[PhoenixRise]

Yeah I get this and you are right when you say about the promise to tell her if he contacted me, I did say if he tried to resume the A and like I said earlier, he hasn't.

Its all very messy and very confusing, hopefully things will calm down.

 

 

I think you are parsing words when you talk about your promise to tell her if he contacted you vs if he tried to resume the affair.

 

You don't think him telling you things that give you hope he will leave the M is crossing that line?

[hopeless4u]

So you are blaming her for staying with her H when you both are making excuses to speak with one another? How is it her fault when you are a willing participant in these conversations?

 

You haven't really said what the text was in response to, so I assume (right or wrong) that there was something you posted on the MySpace page that she found fishy and asked you about it. Did you respond back? Did you tell her the truth to the question she asked? You would have been well within your rights to respond back and tell her to stop invading your life by checking your MySpace page. But it doesn't sound like you did that. So, why not? Afraid its going to start an argument you don't think you can win without saying things that will hurt her, or anger your "x"-MM.

 

And, don't worry about the "x" thing. This is a stage that *some* go through when recently ending an affair. Its not fair of you to expect her to bounce back from d-day so quickly. Six weeks is no time. How long did you grieve when your H left you for another woman? I bet it was far longer than six weeks. That's what she is up against. It matters not that he stayed. Same process. The man she knew is dead.

 

I'm not asking you to feel sorry for her. I'm saying that you need to consider what you would do in her shoes. Be honest about it. You haven't really elaborated on the aftermath of when your xH left you for an OW, but I'm sure what she is doing isn't foreign to you (if MySpace was available back then, you likely would have used it too). Technology changes, but the actions taken after being heartbroken don't change much.

 

 

I'm not blaming anyone for anything.

I had no idea she was reading my myspace and just put a post up on Sunday in the 'how are you feeling' bit, saying 'if you truly love someone how far would you go to keep them' and no I haven't replied and I don't intend to.

It really wasn't aimed at anyone, just how I was feeling at the time. I had no idea it was going to turn into this.

I posted on LS to vent, this way no one gets shouted at and I can get it out of my system.

 

My xH did not leave me, I left him. He had a 3 week fling and I couldn't forgive him so I walked away because 'making do' is not how I wanted to live my life. We are still very good friends and I still think I did the right thing.

Again I want to say this is not about her checking my myspace its about her texting me about it.

[NoIDidn't]

I think you are parsing words when you talk about your promise to tell her if he contacted you vs if he tried to resume the affair.

 

You don't think him telling you things that give you hope he will leave the M is crossing that line?

 

I agree with the parsing of words bit. Its very obvious. She wanted notice if he broke NC, not necessarily of what was said, but HL4U has changed that (even from her own posting here, because we aren't making this up) to if he tried to start the affair.

 

HL4U, it comes across as very disingenuous (sp?). There was enough lying going on in the affair, recovery is not the time for lying to one's self.

 

She has every reason to be tracking you, and I think you know it.

 

The ending of your affair is so much like my H's. They worked together. I know they had to speak occasionally. But not to the extent that they did. She, too, told me AND him she would back off because she was trying to save her relationship with her boyfriend. She lied. She cornered him every chance she got. If he didn't break NC, she was more than willing to. Like you said here that you didn't contact him, I'm sure that you would have if the urge over-powered you enough.

 

He also told her that he "wasn't sure" the marriage. It was true. He told me too, but it was none of her business. He knew it and she knew it. But she held on to it for the hope he meant for it to be. And when he finally committed to the marriage (when I was sick and tired of his indecision), he cut her off and she turned on him as if it wasn't what he said he was going to do to begin with. Yeah, he used her to sort out his thoughts FOR ME, and that is why she hurt so much when he stopped speaking to her.

 

They were both so unprepared for what happened after d-day. Their feelings for their SOs (me and her boyfriend). Our anger and hurt or their deception. My H NEVER threw her under the bus. Ever. But he tell her that he was in a dangerous place. That he was needy and indecisive. It was her decision to make in trying to support him emotionally when he was so needy. She couldn't say that it was all his fault when he finally stopped speaking to her and she hurt over it.

 

This is what your "x" is doing to you. He is using YOU to sort out his feelings for HER. Is that what you want to be? If not, you will protect your heart during these crucial next three months and tell him to quit dragging you into his process over his marriage.

 

At some point you are going to have to protect yourself from him for a while. Or you are just going to make this harder for yourself. Believe me, when I say that I am not cheering for their marriage, I am hoping you will distance yourself enough to let your heart heal - no matter how their marriage turns out. This time is for YOU.

 

(((hl4u)))

[NoIDidn't]

BTW, is he still doing the creepy reading your posts here thing?

[Stung]

She wants me out of their life but when it suits her she can just come straight back into mine??

 

 

1.) You have never gotten out of their lives. You are still in regular contact with her husband.

 

2.) You cannot equate reading a MySpace post and sending a txt message with having sex with somebody's husband, which it sounds like you are trying to do. They are nowhere near on the same level.

[Snowflower]

 

 

They were both so unprepared for what happened after d-day. Their feelings for their SOs (me and her boyfriend). Our anger and hurt or their deception. My H NEVER threw her under the bus. Ever. But he tell her that he was in a dangerous place. That he was needy and indecisive. It was her decision to make in trying to support him emotionally when he was so needy. She couldn't say that it was all his fault when he finally stopped speaking to her and she hurt over it.

 

 

 

NID, I have never seen you post so much of your own story before. Honestly, I thought originally when I started reading here about a year ago that you were an xOW. Shows how wrong it is to assume about anyone here.

 

At any rate, your story sounds similar to mine and thanks for sharing.

 

I hope h4u finds it helpful, too. Guard your heart h4u, like NID posted above, MM who are truly confused about themselves/the affair will use you for emotional support/stability as they work through their own issues. I know you want to be a friend to him but for your own sake, please leave him to sort this out by himself.

[whichwayisup]

What more can I do? Lie to him and say I don't love him anymore?

 

You STOP having those types of conversations with him PERIOD! 1)He shouldn't be talking to you like that, it IS crossing the line and seeing as these types of conversations are happening at work, it's unprofessional. 2)You shouldn't be talking to him like that either. IF/when he does open that door, CLOSE it and just don't "go there" with him. Tell him you're busy and don't want to talk to him.

[hopeless4u]

I agree with the parsing of words bit. Its very obvious. She wanted notice if he broke NC, not necessarily of what was said, but HL4U has changed that (even from her own posting here, because we aren't making this up) to if he tried to start the affair.

 

HL4U, it comes across as very disingenuous (sp?). There was enough lying going on in the affair, recovery is not the time for lying to one's self.

 

She has every reason to be tracking you, and I think you know it.

 

The ending of your affair is so much like my H's. They worked together. I know they had to speak occasionally. But not to the extent that they did. She, too, told me AND him she would back off because she was trying to save her relationship with her boyfriend. She lied. She cornered him every chance she got. If he didn't break NC, she was more than willing to. Like you said here that you didn't contact him, I'm sure that you would have if the urge over-powered you enough.

 

He also told her that he "wasn't sure" the marriage. It was true. He told me too, but it was none of her business. He knew it and she knew it. But she held on to it for the hope he meant for it to be. And when he finally committed to the marriage (when I was sick and tired of his indecision), he cut her off and she turned on him as if it wasn't what he said he was going to do to begin with. Yeah, he used her to sort out his thoughts FOR ME, and that is why she hurt so much when he stopped speaking to her.

 

They were both so unprepared for what happened after d-day. Their feelings for their SOs (me and her boyfriend). Our anger and hurt or their deception. My H NEVER threw her under the bus. Ever. But he tell her that he was in a dangerous place. That he was needy and indecisive. It was her decision to make in trying to support him emotionally when he was so needy. She couldn't say that it was all his fault when he finally stopped speaking to her and she hurt over it.

 

This is what your "x" is doing to you. He is using YOU to sort out his feelings for HER. Is that what you want to be? If not, you will protect your heart during these crucial next three months and tell him to quit dragging you into his process over his marriage.

 

At some point you are going to have to protect yourself from him for a while. Or you are just going to make this harder for yourself. Believe me, when I say that I am not cheering for their marriage, I am hoping you will distance yourself enough to let your heart heal - no matter how their marriage turns out. This time is for YOU.

 

(((hl4u)))

 

 

When I posted here just after DDay about the (W&I) phonecall, my world was still spinning and I was a mess, most of my posts over Christmas and New Year were drink induced and angry.

 

I do feel for her and yes I can see where you are coming from with xMM and I even keeping LC isn't healthy.

 

I think I know in my heart he will stay and they will work things out and I know I have to let go and stop him from contacting me and I guess their holiday next week will be the start of that.

[jj33]

Hopeless so she read your myspace page - WHO CARES.

 

She is not "in your life" because she read the page any more than any one of us who post on your threads are in your life.

 

Its difficult adjusting to the end of an affair and hte fact that it didnt end the way you wanted it to.

 

But objectively his W has EVERY right to look at your myspace page today and for the rest of her life if she needs to in order to calm her mind.

 

You slept with her husband - that is a major violation of her life. She is on guard for future violations of her marriage vows - surely you can understand that if you love him the way you do that she has every reason to love him equally if not more.