crystal_lostheart Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 (edited) Hi Again, It's been almost a month since xMM and I broke up. I have been on a holiday (had a nice time with girlfriend's) and am trying to focus on positives..... It's hard and I am hurting... some days are just unbearable. I have spoken to him once (just before I left for holidays) and get this (I don't even know why he told me this).... He hasn't moved back home but his W did something really 'bad' behind his back according to him. You see when they were trying to get pregnant years ago, she was not falling pregnant. They decided to go down the path of IVF but it never eventuated because she eventually fell pregnant naturally. His sperm obviously still frozen just in case they had trouble again in the future. Apparently, behind his back before xmas when we were still together, she organized to have IVF. Apparently it didn't take and she did not fall pregnant. When he found out and confronted her about it she said 'it's not about you, it's about my only son having a brother or sister and that's why I did it.....Yes I know... sounds dodgy? Just ridiculous. Days of our Lives stuff hey???? He knew about this ages ago but only told me recently. Why? I don't know. Is he lying? Yeah probably. Did he go through the IVF with her but told me she did it behind his back.....Don't know? I don't really know the legal issues involved where I am with IVF (if you can actually do what she claimed to do). She probably is pregnant for all I know? But what I do know is I am trying to just ignore it all and get on with my life. I shouldn't have spoken to him I know. It stirred up feelings and really NC is the best thing for trying to move on... Just wanted to share what was happening.... A part from that rubbish, I am doing ok I guess - been hanging out with friends, start back at work next wk which I am really looking forward to as I love my job and oh..... I bought a gorgeous little puppy and she keeps me smiling everyday.... Life goes on... Edited January 23, 2010 by crystal_lostheart Link to post Share on other sites
jolenejolene Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 (((CL))) Glad you are staying busy and having a wonderful life (and a puppy!). This was undoubtedly so painful- not just having any old to break in the NC, but a certified drama bomb, wow. That is some intense information. I'm impressed that you managed to stay skeptical about the motives or the full truth of the story. As for the timing (his knowledge of what happened versus when he told you), maybe he really did just learn of it since you started NC. I would think that he would take steps to have his sperm sample removed to prevent this sort of thing. Someone is still paying for the storage and the IVF costs $$$. It may seem odd that the clinic would go ahead with a procedure without him present, but since his sample is in storage the permissions have likely already been obtained to go ahead at any time. It definitely isn't something that you should even have to think about! Do you believe it was truly manipulative on xMM's part, or is it possible that he was freaked out by the information and felt the need to share it? It really doesn't matter, he should just honor the NC as long as that is what you want, bottom line. You don't seem to have really let it bring you crashing down- keep staying strong!!! Big hugs to you! JJ Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 (((CL))) Glad you are staying busy and having a wonderful life (and a puppy!). This was undoubtedly so painful- not just having any old to break in the NC, but a certified drama bomb, wow. That is some intense information. I'm impressed that you managed to stay skeptical about the motives or the full truth of the story. As for the timing (his knowledge of what happened versus when he told you), maybe he really did just learn of it since you started NC. I would think that he would take steps to have his sperm sample removed to prevent this sort of thing. Someone is still paying for the storage and the IVF costs $$$. It may seem odd that the clinic would go ahead with a procedure without him present, but since his sample is in storage the permissions have likely already been obtained to go ahead at any time. It definitely isn't something that you should even have to think about! Do you believe it was truly manipulative on xMM's part, or is it possible that he was freaked out by the information and felt the need to share it? It really doesn't matter, he should just honor the NC as long as that is what you want, bottom line. You don't seem to have really let it bring you crashing down- keep staying strong!!! Big hugs to you! JJ I so agree with this post. You were incredibly wise (pissed off ;-)) to have been cautious about him. What a mess! I hope you are ok and enjoying your new puppy and that you maintain this freedom away from him. Things will get better and better for you, whereas for him... not so sure. But, that is not your problem. Keep on living and enjoying it! (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Crystal, My gut feeling on this is that he slept with her, or has been sleeping with her (plural) and wanted to lay the groundwork for a ready excuse if/when his W turned up pregnant. I am not sure the doctor needs his permission to IVF the W once the sperm is frozen. I have a neighbor who is pregnant with her husbands child though he's been dead for several years - obviously they couldn't get his permission. If there is any shred of truth to this story, he should direct the doctor to immediately destroy the frozen samples. But I guess he hasn't done that, has he? I was listening to a song by Norah Jones this morning - "Man of the hour" and it reminds me of this situation - she's asked to choose between two men, ditches them both and gets a nice dog who won't lie to her or make her cry. Check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZBFd0qV5gA Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Oh My.. perhaps I have found my new calling in life, I can become a writer for the soap operas and pull all of my plots off of the OW/OM and infidelity threads on LS! !! I am glad to hear you are doing well.. keep moving forward, do not let his drama suck you back in... what kind of puppy did you get? (I am really missing my sweet Khan.. *his daddy's name was Genghis ~ what other name could i have chosen? * he was a min-pin and my now ex-H kept him when I left, he refused to allow me to take him.. my sweet baby died less than six months after I left. I have to keep telling myself that it was because he was 11 years old, and that is pretty old for a small dog that had so many health issues, but my heart breaks thinking that he died because he missed me and the children so much.... :(:() I have been considering getting another dog, but i don't think i could handle having another miniature pinscher... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2010 Share Posted January 23, 2010 Yes, FA is right. And what he is doing by telling all this stuff IS DRAMA and a way to keep you sucked in and interested in what's going on in HIS life. Notice how once again it's about HIM?? WHO CARES what he is doing or what his wife did. Chances are, it's a LIE and it's his way of drumming up your sympathies so he can be the 'victim' and you'll feel sorry for him. Enjoy life with your friends, focus on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted January 24, 2010 Author Share Posted January 24, 2010 (((CL))) Glad you are staying busy and having a wonderful life (and a puppy!). This was undoubtedly so painful- not just having any old to break in the NC, but a certified drama bomb, wow. That is some intense information. I'm impressed that you managed to stay skeptical about the motives or the full truth of the story. As for the timing (his knowledge of what happened versus when he told you), maybe he really did just learn of it since you started NC. I would think that he would take steps to have his sperm sample removed to prevent this sort of thing. Someone is still paying for the storage and the IVF costs $$$. It may seem odd that the clinic would go ahead with a procedure without him present, but since his sample is in storage the permissions have likely already been obtained to go ahead at any time. It definitely isn't something that you should even have to think about! Do you believe it was truly manipulative on xMM's part, or is it possible that he was freaked out by the information and felt the need to share it? It really doesn't matter, he should just honor the NC as long as that is what you want, bottom line. You don't seem to have really let it bring you crashing down- keep staying strong!!! Big hugs to you! JJ I really don't know? But the funny thing is when we were together a few months ago (just before we broke up) he brought up IVF all of a sudden?? Told me how he and his W nearly went down that years ago. He also told me he wished that his first son was not conceived naturally because he thought that IVF would have caused him more of a detachment (i.e made this whole situation easier).... It was just deranged what he was going on about. Now that I look back at it, I think in a weird way he was trying to justify to me 'oh well if she falls pregnant via IVF it won't matter to me.' It was like he was preparing me for the news to come.... I'm sorry, I'm just digesting it all today and to be honest, it hasn't been a good day.... I think he knew she was going to do it..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted January 24, 2010 Author Share Posted January 24, 2010 Crystal, My gut feeling on this is that he slept with her, or has been sleeping with her (plural) and wanted to lay the groundwork for a ready excuse if/when his W turned up pregnant. I am not sure the doctor needs his permission to IVF the W once the sperm is frozen. I have a neighbor who is pregnant with her husbands child though he's been dead for several years - obviously they couldn't get his permission. If there is any shred of truth to this story, he should direct the doctor to immediately destroy the frozen samples. But I guess he hasn't done that, has he? I was listening to a song by Norah Jones this morning - "Man of the hour" and it reminds me of this situation - she's asked to choose between two men, ditches them both and gets a nice dog who won't lie to her or make her cry. Check it out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZBFd0qV5gA I think there is truth to this.... Today I am just so upset about it all. I truly believed that when he told me he wanted a better life with me... to make his life work... I put so much into it believing him. But in my case it's so true - what he did to her, he just did to me....I just don't know what to believe anymore... such a mess... I'm out of it but I'm hurting badly Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted January 24, 2010 Author Share Posted January 24, 2010 Oh My.. perhaps I have found my new calling in life, I can become a writer for the soap operas and pull all of my plots off of the OW/OM and infidelity threads on LS! !! I am glad to hear you are doing well.. keep moving forward, do not let his drama suck you back in... what kind of puppy did you get? (I am really missing my sweet Khan.. *his daddy's name was Genghis ~ what other name could i have chosen? * he was a min-pin and my now ex-H kept him when I left, he refused to allow me to take him.. my sweet baby died less than six months after I left. I have to keep telling myself that it was because he was 11 years old, and that is pretty old for a small dog that had so many health issues, but my heart breaks thinking that he died because he missed me and the children so much.... :(:() I have been considering getting another dog, but i don't think i could handle having another miniature pinscher... She's a little toy poodle. Absolutely gorgeous. You should get another one. They make you smile even when you feel like your heart is sinking. She needs my loyalty, friendship and support... like a mother figure... so it keeps me very busy and I just adore her. At least I can count on her LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted January 24, 2010 Author Share Posted January 24, 2010 Yes, FA is right. And what he is doing by telling all this stuff IS DRAMA and a way to keep you sucked in and interested in what's going on in HIS life. Notice how once again it's about HIM?? WHO CARES what he is doing or what his wife did. Chances are, it's a LIE and it's his way of drumming up your sympathies so he can be the 'victim' and you'll feel sorry for him. Enjoy life with your friends, focus on you. He is notorious for this.... he wanted sympathy from me and all he got was NOTHING.... I was too smart this time because I knew there was way more to this story and as I just said in my previous reply, some things seem to add up now. But I am hurting quite badly today.... just feel so so low... it's horrible Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 Crystal, My gut feeling on this is that he slept with her, or has been sleeping with her (plural) and wanted to lay the groundwork for a ready excuse if/when his W turned up pregnant. This is exactly what I think, too. I'm sorry he has hurt you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 24, 2010 Share Posted January 24, 2010 I really don't know? But the funny thing is when we were together a few months ago (just before we broke up) he brought up IVF all of a sudden?? Told me how he and his W nearly went down that years ago. He also told me he wished that his first son was not conceived naturally because he thought that IVF would have caused him more of a detachment (i.e made this whole situation easier).... It was just deranged what he was going on about. Now that I look back at it, I think in a weird way he was trying to justify to me 'oh well if she falls pregnant via IVF it won't matter to me.' It was like he was preparing me for the news to come.... I'm sorry, I'm just digesting it all today and to be honest, it hasn't been a good day.... I think he knew she was going to do it..... I second laying the groundwork. I have a dear friend who had a son naturally, but also went the IVF route to try to conceive again. Her and her H had to be there for her to be implanted -- he had to sign permission slips (per say) that it was okay. There was a very popular divorce situation here in the states a few years ago about a woman wanting the frozen sperm in a divorce case. If it was so easy to just go and be implanted, she would have done it. Shots are required, and all kinds of other medical steps needed prior to implantation of the sperm. I totally think he was lying his ass off to you just in case the wife got pregnant. At this point, I don't even believe they aren't back together. Find the blessing in all this -- the fact that you are OUT of all this drama is heaven sent! Enjoy your freedom and your puppy!! P.S. -- FA - I am a lover of Black Labs -- have had 2 in my life. I would LOVE another one but I do NOT want the responsibility. I like being able to go and do what I please, when I please. I also love not having to walk a dog in the rain/cold/snow nor having to pick up poop Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 Man, this sucks. I'm so sorry, crystal. (((crystal))) Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted January 25, 2010 Share Posted January 25, 2010 I have a dear friend who had a son naturally, but also went the IVF route to try to conceive again. Her and her H had to be there for her to be implanted -- he had to sign permission slips (per say) that it was okay. There was a very popular divorce situation here in the states a few years ago about a woman wanting the frozen sperm in a divorce case. If it was so easy to just go and be implanted, she would have done it. Shots are required, and all kinds of other medical steps needed prior to implantation of the sperm. I totally think he was lying his ass off to you just in case the wife got pregnant. If this is true with all the IVF cases, then he's just plain lying to you. And, now, you're faced with knowing that he's not the person you thought he was. So sad. I'm really sorry, Crystal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted January 26, 2010 Author Share Posted January 26, 2010 I'm devastated.... because apparently she did it around the time him and I were still together and he had been out of home for almost a year. It really is horrible and I can't even believe that the two of them would act so irresponsibly when they aren't even together. I am gutted that he would do this and lie to my face about it, because it's more than a lie.... I don't even know what to call it? And yes I know if he could lie to her why wouldn't he lie to me. It still hurts when he told me he wanted a better life for us. He didn't even think it was a big deal that she 'supposedly' did this behind his back... he actually said to me 'well it wouldn't have made a difference to our relationship - it just would have been a small hurdle for us to overcome'. And he said his W did it out of desperation for another child for their only son. I just said 'yeah that's right, so when I was separated from my H, if I had of gotten pregnant through IVF with his, it wouldn't have made a difference to our R either hey. Just a small hurdle?' I can't even believe he said these things. What a loser... So back to NC.... Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Crystal, How are you doing these days? It's been awhile since I've seen a post from you....hope you're ok. Link to post Share on other sites
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