Davnnic Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I am a MW in an affair with a MM; I am currently separted from H...he doesn't want to to end the marriage-he doesn;t know about the A, or the OM. If I tell him, he will agree to end the marriage; if I don't, he will continue thinking there is a chance. I have been wanting to end the marriage for a a year or more, and I am ready to move on, but at the same time, I know he is taking the separation hard, and I don't want to hurt him more with the knowledge of the A. Also, if I do tell, what if he wants to tell the MM's spouse? Has anyone experienced that? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 So basically, you don't want to tell your H the truth because he will more than likely talk to MM's wife about you having an affair with her H, and chances are even higher that the A will end, you'll lose MM, and possibly your H too. Start by being honest now. Tell your H the truth because he deserves to know so he can decide with the right information, what he wants to do. This is your chance now to stop the lying, cheating and deceiving. If your H chose to give you another chance, would you want to give the marriag a chance? Would you be willing to let go of MM forever, never see/speak to him again? If no, then divorce your H now. Allow him to let go of you and grieve so he can move on, find a woman who will love only him. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Hey you want out, why not tell him, your afraid of the reprecussions. what if he finds out anyways you was never faithful. Then what? Why dont you tell him the truth? Good lord. Life is to short for a man to be tied down with an unfaithful wife who cannot be married. Who only listen to her feelings, who doesnt think before she acts. I'm sure he'll be much better off without being married to you. I mean what's the point? You really think this mm will leave his wife for you? Your deluding yourself. I'm sorry you had the choice to make the choice to have the affair, but it is your choice. not someone else's. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I am a MW in an affair with a MM; I am currently separted from H...he doesn't want to to end the marriage-he doesn;t know about the A, or the OM. If I tell him, he will agree to end the marriage; if I don't, he will continue thinking there is a chance. I have been wanting to end the marriage for a a year or more, and I am ready to move on, but at the same time, I know he is taking the separation hard, and I don't want to hurt him more with the knowledge of the A. Also, if I do tell, what if he wants to tell the MM's spouse? Has anyone experienced that? i have a very simple question... are you always this selfish and self centered? my goodness - you are purposely hurting so many people and you are only worried about what you will get out of this mess. do everyone a favor - be by yourself and find out how you can be happy on your own... then you may be able to GIVE to a relationship instead of just taking. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Davnnic Posted January 20, 2010 Author Share Posted January 20, 2010 First off, I have no expectations of MM leaving his wife-in fact I would prefer he didn't. I am leaving the marriage because I want to, not for some fantasy life with MM. I am more than ready to be alone...that is not the issue. I am not sure if H should know, needs to know, or deserves to know about the A...or would he be better off without the additional blow to his feelings? Yes, I take full responsibility for having the A...does that mean I have to divulge everything to H, and devestate him more? He may suspect something is going on, but hasn't really pushed the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I have to ask.. Do you and your H have children? Does the MM and his wife have children? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 First off, I have no expectations of MM leaving his wife-in fact I would prefer he didn't. I am leaving the marriage because I want to, not for some fantasy life with MM. I am more than ready to be alone...that is not the issue. I am not sure if H should know, needs to know, or deserves to know about the A...or would he be better off without the additional blow to his feelings? Yes, I take full responsibility for having the A...does that mean I have to divulge everything to H, and devestate him more? He may suspect something is going on, but hasn't really pushed the issue. yes, to tell him the truth allows him to understand that the end wasn't his fault but a character defect that you acted upon. it allows him some peace of mind that might help him to make better choices for his future. to keep the truth from him robs him of the information that will benefit him and his happiness for his future. Link to post Share on other sites
Jeff1962 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I am a MW in an affair with a MM; I am currently separted from H...he doesn't want to to end the marriage-he doesn;t know about the A, or the OM. If I tell him, he will agree to end the marriage; if I don't, he will continue thinking there is a chance. I have been wanting to end the marriage for a a year or more, and I am ready to move on, but at the same time, I know he is taking the separation hard, and I don't want to hurt him more with the knowledge of the A. Also, if I do tell, what if he wants to tell the MM's spouse? Has anyone experienced that? I don't agree with lying BUT, sometimes we have to. If you tell your H about this A, it will only make the wound deeper. This will also damage even further your relationship with H outside of your marriage if you have children. You already want a divorce and are ready to move on. So, in my opinion, let it be just that fact, that you want a divorce and are unhappy and want to move on. He does not want to end the marriage. You need to tell him what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I am a MW in an affair with a MM; I am currently separted from H...he doesn't want to to end the marriage-he doesn;t know about the A, or the OM. If I tell him, he will agree to end the marriage; if I don't, he will continue thinking there is a chance. If he can delay or obfuscate the D legally...then tell him so he agrees to a swift end. If not, then no reason to tell him. Simply tell him there is NO chance, the M is dead and move on. And be VERY clear on that...don't sugar-coat, don't "couch" it...simply end it with NO room for him to believe otherwise. Also, if I do tell, what if he wants to tell the MM's spouse? Has anyone experienced that? Happens all the time if your stbxh knows and can contact your MM's W good chance of him doing so. My opinion of course. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 OK, I just had a quick glance at your older thread from August/Sept. Maybe go back and re-read some of the replies on there. And I also read that both you and your MM have children, and that one of his should be about 6 months old now or so. Best thing you can do is tell your H the truth and suffer the consquences. You created this mess, by having the affair. You could have left your H a long time ago. What about your kids? How are they adjusting to you and their father separated? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I think he'd have a right to know, who knows what type of std's youve been infected with. What your doing is having an exit affair, very cowardly. Be a real woman , tell him the truth and bounce without disgracing yourself and your marriage. Why tarnish it with a big F-U? All these women out here sleeping around wondering why the aids rate is climbing? What happens if you get pregnant, you want your husband to raise the OM's kid? Wow how nice of you, to make the choice to ruin his life and have him on the hook for 18 yrs. nice. Do the right thing, tell him the truth and end it, either the affair or your marriage, He'll be better off without a selfish woman. and if you own up to the affair then you own up to it all and dont keep it a secret. Be for real for once in your life. OWN IT! Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 If you are divorcing and not leading him to believe that there is any chance of reconciliation then I don't see why you should tell. If you were staying in the marriage then I would feel differently. If you were leading him to believe that there may be a slight chance I would feel differently. You are divorcing, you will each have your own lives separate and apart from each other, you are not leaving for the other man. I don't see why you should add insult to injury in this case. Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet memories Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I am a MW in an affair with a MM; I am currently separted from H...he doesn't want to to end the marriage-he doesn;t know about the A, or the OM. If I tell him, he will agree to end the marriage; if I don't, he will continue thinking there is a chance. I have been wanting to end the marriage for a a year or more, and I am ready to move on, but at the same time, I know he is taking the separation hard, and I don't want to hurt him more with the knowledge of the A. Also, if I do tell, what if he wants to tell the MM's spouse? Has anyone experienced that? I say don't tell him...but get a divorce. You are seperated so need to tell him but set the poor guy free and let him heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 If you are already separated and you haven't told at this point, I see no reason for you to do so now. If you feel you must tell him something, tell him that you are seeing someone else, but the identity of that other person is really not his buisness, as you are now separated. If he was seeing someone else now, would you expect him to give you all the details? Really, even in the harshes states, no one can stop a divorce from happening. They can make it more difficult though, and I think that admitting that you had an affair will be very unhelpfull in your divorce. In fact, in some states (such as mine) the first thing a divorce lawyer will tell you is DO NOT ADMIT TO SEXUAL RELATIONS OUTSIDE OF YOUR MARRIAGE!! I swear it!! I went to several websites for divorce lawyers in my state, and that was on the home page of three of them!!! If you haven't done it yet, consult with an attourney. And be honest with them, they can help you figure out how much or how little to admit to. But at this point, you have kept it a secret this long, all telling him now will do is to cause him more pain. Link to post Share on other sites
scorpmale009 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 (edited) yes let him know, when you are so sure that you wanted to end your M anyways,whats stopping you from divorcing your H...1year enough of torture for him, let him live his life peacefully obviously you do not have any regret or guilt about your affair, so stop covering it up with oh it will hurt him,truth does not hurt him, all your lies are going to hurt him...why is he feeling there is a chance unless you give it to him here and there...let him tested for STDs(at least you could feel that ,you left him when he is physically sound ) D him ASAP(let him free) Edited January 20, 2010 by scorpmale009 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I don't agree with lying BUT, sometimes we have to. If you tell your H about this A, it will only make the wound deeper. This will also damage even further your relationship with H outside of your marriage if you have children. You already want a divorce and are ready to move on. So, in my opinion, let it be just that fact, that you want a divorce and are unhappy and want to move on. He does not want to end the marriage. You need to tell him what you want. Totally agree, somethings are better left unsaid....Jeff this was excellent Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 If you are already separated and you haven't told at this point, I see no reason for you to do so now. If you feel you must tell him something, tell him that you are seeing someone else, but the identity of that other person is really not his buisness, as you are now separated. If he was seeing someone else now, would you expect him to give you all the details? Really, even in the harshes states, no one can stop a divorce from happening. They can make it more difficult though, and I think that admitting that you had an affair will be very unhelpfull in your divorce. In fact, in some states (such as mine) the first thing a divorce lawyer will tell you is DO NOT ADMIT TO SEXUAL RELATIONS OUTSIDE OF YOUR MARRIAGE!! I swear it!! I went to several websites for divorce lawyers in my state, and that was on the home page of three of them!!! If you haven't done it yet, consult with an attourney. And be honest with them, they can help you figure out how much or how little to admit to. But at this point, you have kept it a secret this long, all telling him now will do is to cause him more pain. To add FA...even in "irreconcilable differences" states adminition of an A or it getting added in somehow can set the tone with the judge, as anything can. Like exMM, his exW lied on the expense declaration and that set the tone for the entire D....her attorney fired her the whole nine yards. "D", for the mostpart, you got good advice....hey I'm glad the guys are replying more! Please, we need your input.... Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 First off, I have no expectations of MM leaving his wife-in fact I would prefer he didn't. I am leaving the marriage because I want to, not for some fantasy life with MM. I am more than ready to be alone...that is not the issue. I am not sure if H should know, needs to know, or deserves to know about the A...or would he be better off without the additional blow to his feelings? Yes, I take full responsibility for having the A...does that mean I have to divulge everything to H, and devestate him more? He may suspect something is going on, but hasn't really pushed the issue. No, don't tell him. There is no reason to add insult to injury and hurt him further. Simply tell him you are not happy and it is your fault. Tell him you want a divorce for this reason and he deserves a marriage that is happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazyforhim Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Don't tell him at this point. You're out and ready to move on with your life. There also may be many legal implications if you're found out depending on the state you live in, including alienation of affection lawsuits. Let him know you're following through with the D and don't let him have any doubt in his mind that the chance of reconciling is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
crazycatlady Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 I sometimes thing that some of the BS around here like others to hurt as much of they do. NO do not tell him. It serves no purpose. The only reason I would consider telling is if you get yourself tested for stds and have something. But otherwise, no. Just end it with no possibility of recovery. Make sure he knows flat out its not happening. File for D yourself, don't want get it started. And end things with OMM too. If you really want to be alone, take some time to be alone. CCL Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Yes it serves a purpose. And that purpose is not to hurt him, but to let him know that he's better off without you, so he doesn't pine for you for months or years. Why does everyone think he doesn't deserve to know what's going on in his own life? It's his life too. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 Yes he has the right to know and he deserves to know. He should know and have the right to use that information to help him choose how to deal with your breakup. If you don't tell him it is for selfish reason only Link to post Share on other sites
WhereToGoFromHere Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 My vote is no. Don't tell him. If he's having a hard time with the separation, then that's enough. Don't add more to it. Just go for the D and be done. Its a hard situation to be in, but you're already separated. You admit that you've wanted a D for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 You say in another thread that you two work together.. It is possible that your co-workers are aware of the A, or at best, suspect something has happened between you and your MM. Your H would be better off hearing the truth from you, rather than the MM himself (he could confess to his wife and she or MM could tell your H), or someone from work. You say your H his suspicions anyway, all he needs is someone you work with, to confirm the truth for him. Also, you say you both have children. How old are your kids? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 And end things with OMM too. If you really want to be alone, take some time to be alone. do you have two OM? Link to post Share on other sites
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