He's leaving her... what now?!?!

[Sabrina2009]

Wow, I'm in a place I never thought I'd be. I began a relationship with a MM a few months ago. He was well on his way to splitting with STBXW before we met - they were both openly seeing other people. We both meant to keep things casual, but we have fallen hard for each other. I knew I was falling for him, but made it a point to keep things light and not create any expectations.

 

But last week, he initiated a "relationship discussion," much to my surprise. He says he loves me, and is ready to move out and start the divorce process so he can pursue an exclusive relationship wtih me. While I'm the more cautious one in our relationship, I'm really happy about this, because I think we might have a really great future together. I know it's uncertain, and definitely a rocky road for the next little while, but I'm willing to give it a shot (I think!).

 

But in a matter of days, we have gone from openly dating (STBXW was fine with him seeing me a few times a week when thought it was just casual sex) to having to be very discreet. Now that she knows he wants out for good, she is becoming erratic. One minute she tells him to move out and on with his life, but the next she says she won't agree to a divorce and he "had better" stop seeing me. We know she has seen a lawyer though, and he is afraid she is trying to goad him into doing something that will put him in a bad position for the divorce and custody agreements, and is afraid to move out of the house until they have a formal separation agreement in place.

 

I'm trying to be patient while this sorts out, but I'm finding it difficult. I have no reason to think he is lying, but I can't help being afraid that he something will happen, and I don't want to be stuck in a long waiting game, like many of the posters on this site.

 

And I'm finding it hard to have to be secretive all of the sudden (don't call him, wait for him to call me on the "batphone," new email address, etc.) -- just when my usually cautious, reserved self is wanting to dance around like a giddy teenager because I'm so happy that he loves me.

 

I'm curious if anyone else here has been in a similar situation, and how things worked out, or how you handled it.

[whichwayisup]

Do yourself a HUGE favour...Back off, completely. Don't be in his life at all. Something feels wrong here and he may do a 180 on you. Shield your heart!

 

Focus on you, friends, family.. This guy right now has no control over this, his wife does, and the last place you need to be is in the middle of this. Leave him alone. It'll be hard and it'll hurt, but let him do this ALL ALONE. This way he will (if he does divorce) have the time and space to heal, grieve his marriage and then when the timing is better he will be in a better place to date you openly.

 

I don't know if he is lying to you, exaggerating, omitting truths, but again, something isn't feeling right to your situation.

[Sabrina2009]

I thought I should add a few more details, because our situation is admittedly odd. STBXW is also dating other people, however her "relationships" are casual sex encounters with men she meets on the internet. She was fine with it when that was what she thought hubby was doing. We even met face-to-face once. She also blogs about all this this openly, and what she writes cooberates everything MM has told me, although I don't think she is aware that I know about the blog.

[xpaperxcutx]

From what I've read from the OW/OM threads, most stbx's are never soon-to-be.

 

He could always change his mind.

[whichwayisup]

So he changed the rules. They have an open marriage, so to speak, casual sex is OK..BUT, he got feelings for you and wants out the marriage.. Yet she still loves him. Yeah this situation could go really toxic and quickly, which is why I was telling you to back off and leave him (them) alone. And, don't read her blog, it'll just make you wonder more..

[2sunny]

I thought I should add a few more details, because our situation is admittedly odd. STBXW is also dating other people, however her "relationships" are casual sex encounters with men she meets on the internet. She was fine with it when that was what she thought hubby was doing. We even met face-to-face once. She also blogs about all this this openly, and what she writes cooberates everything MM has told me, although I don't think she is aware that I know about the blog.

 

well she seems to be the one driving the bus - so it appears that he goes along with her commands. since he does things this way - it's best to get out until the divorce is final. less complicated that way... otherwise you are bound to be caught up in the back and forth that will happen between now and then... if it ever actually happens.

 

ps. if he really wanted it to be over - he wouldn't be bending to her demands at this stage of the game. he would just say to his STBXW "this is the way it is, live with it." looks like he's not being honest about the situation.

[Confused4Now]

ps. if he really wanted it to be over - he wouldn't be bending to her demands at this stage of the game. he would just say to his STBXW "this is the way it is, live with it." looks like he's not being honest about the situation.

 

If this isn't the freakin truth...read this over and over again till it sinks in....period dot!!!

[Brokenlady]

Since she won't agree to divorce, has he seen a lawyer? What ACTIONS is he making to getting divorced? It sounds like none.

 

He is right that moving out can affect his standing in a custody proceeding, but I think it's pretty minimal since men usually don't get primary custody anyway. And it's all speculation until he sees his own lawyer.

 

If he's truly serious, then he'll get moving with that "separtion agreement" and get out. I'd tell him you need to back away so you don't complicate matters for him until that's done (and that you will get resentful for him hiding you in the meantime, so you'd rather not be a secret mistress). Afterall, you never signed up to have a hidden affair, and it isn't fair for him to renogeotiate the terms now. When the lgeal stuff is in motion and he has moved out, you can resume if you both still want to.

[Brokenlady]

ps. if he really wanted it to be over - he wouldn't be bending to her demands at this stage of the game. he would just say to his STBXW "this is the way it is, live with it." looks like he's not being honest about the situation.

 

And I want to second that thought. My xDM got divorced and moved out and all that, but never really set firm boundaries. Him bending to her demands is a big red flag. You can expect that when he has to choose between hurting one of your feelings, it will be you. And let me tell you, that is NOT a fun place to be.

[1Angel]

What he is telling you sounds like bs. Perhaps he wants to move in with you only after a few months into the relationship with you because he's up to his eyeballs in alimony and/or child support payments.

Guard your heart right now. Your story doesn't sound like things are going to work out.

Stay out until you see the final divorce decree.

[awkward]

If you decide to ride this out with him, just be careful. Guard your heart. My advice is to have him contact you after he is divorced.

[Sabrina2009]

...for reminding me to stay a little (or a lot) skeptical. Only time will tell if he is truly serious about both ending his marriage and being with me. I think he is, and I think the STBXW wants out as well, but she is playing tough to get a better settlement (she is a stay-at-home-mom right now, but is applying to a medical assistant training program and wants him to pay for it, and to stay in the house with him paying for a while). I'm willing to lay low and give him a few weeks to iron everything out, but he has to show me that he is moving forward, or I'm going to have to end it. I've just got to find my line between a reasonable degree of patience and being stupid. Hopefully I can stay strong and make the tough decisions if I need to.

[xpaperxcutx]

He has kids?

 

The percentages of him caving in to staying with the ex just increased.

[1Angel]

His wife is a SAHM? His cheating self is definitely going to get taken to the cleaners financially. Staying while they work this out. Your chances of being taken for a ride by this guy just increased exponentially. Watch out.

[2sure]

Lots of couples have open marriages regarding casual sex encounters. So, although unusual I am not surprised her blogs have so far confirmed this is the case and verify what MM has told you. An open marriage , when the spouses are openly having casual sex with random people - is not necessarily a marriage on that is ending.

 

Also not surprising is that this open marriage arrangement has led to MM and yourself having feelings for each other. Now, all of the sudden his wife feels THIS has crossed the line. And as far as their own arrangement/marriage goes it has. MM has told you as much and verified this by now wanting your relationship with him to be hidden.

 

And you arent comfortable with that. Because now its different. Now you are participating in a lie and / or betraying someone .

 

My question to you would be probably similar to what you are asking yourself. In his wife's blogs - has she said that they are divorcing or separating? Or only that there is a problem (if even this)? If she was a STBX, surly this is something she would mention in a blog she has so far been so open and honest on.

 

If she has not, then something here is WAY wrong and odds are it is this:

She told him she no longer felt comfortable with his seeing you specifically. He told her he would stop. She told him if he did continue, it would be a deal breaker. He doesnt want a divorce. So now you are hidden.

 

If he getting a divorce you would KNOW. If you arent sure, he ISNT.

The thing to make double sure of is that he didnt get caught, she is trying to get him out, he is trying to stay...but will end up on your doorstep as a last resort.

[Brokenlady]

2sure made some excellent points.

 

Sabrina, you asked about the line between "reasonable patience and stupidity" - it isn't a line you need to find. You did not sign up for a hidden affair and now he's changing the terms. If you acquiesce to be hidden, even temporarily, you can rest assured that he will keep pushing his timeline back further and further. You haven't been with him very long, and so I suggest stepping away while he sorts out his stuff out.

 

If he's truly looking to get out soon, he will do so. The fact that he wants to hide you now isn't a good sign for a man claiming to be on the brink of seperation, and shows that he wants to keep the status quo of both women despite what each of you want. And if you both let him, he'll keep it that way for as long as possible.

[Fallen Angel]

I guess i am just not as fatalistic in my view of this situation as most of the people who have responded to you so far. (It might be wise to know people's stories, before accepting their advice as being valid for you, as some people on these boards have an agenda of their own, one of convincing all OW/OM that their APs are worthless liars, and should be dumped immediately! Knowing the reason for them being here often brings clarity about why they say what they say...)

 

I don't think things are as bad as people are making it out to be. I happen to know that in some states, mine for one, if a man or woman leaves the maritial home prior to a separation agreement, he/she can be forfieting their equity in the home. Also, they can be considered as 'abandoning' their children. In situations like this, staying until the legalities are ironed out is a wise move.

 

It is also wise to keep the peace in the home. If things get too heated, and an argument errupts, it can be held against him in the divorce. It is best to proceed calmly in a divorce, rather than let emotions overflow and bitterness to set in.

 

I can also understand his concern about having his relationship with you in the open right now. Again, in my state, adultery is not only used against someone in court during divorce, but it is still considered a crime, punishable by jail time. Any relationship outside of the marriage even after physical separation, is considered adultery, unless and until a legal separation divorce document allows both parties to 'live as though unmarried'.. meaning they can have relationships with other people with the courts blessing.

 

I would suggest that he print out a hard copy of her blog, in which she openly admits to her own infidelities, and the 'openness' of thier marriage. Adultery can not be used against someone if it is determined that the sex outside the marriage is 'condoned and accepted' by the spouse.

 

I would not get too worried about thing going upside down for you right now, I would suggest though, that if you have concerns, you speak with him about them, and ask to see what steps he is taking towards his divorce. (For example, is he working with a lawyer yet? Is he looking for housing?)

 

If you love him, and you believe he loves you, and he is making progress, why would you abandon him now? Makes no sense to me.

[Sabrina2009]

FallenAngel, it sounds like you and I might live in the same state! Right now, he wants to get an alimony and visitation agreement that doesn't totally screw him (as much as possible, since she doesn't work), and if he moves out before that's settled, he could really be in trouble. That's why I'm willing to lay low for a little while, and see if she will sign an agreement.

 

On her blog, she talks openly about not being in love with him anymore, and bad-mouths him a lot. I think she wants it to be over too, but she is freaking out because she is suddenly realizing how much her standard of living will change. She is trying to get into a training program (whieh he will have to pay for) but should allow her to be fairly self-sufficient within a year or so. If they can negotiate that crap, I'm hopeful at this point that there is a chance for us.

[2sure]

I dont know. It just seems odd that after all of the openness, and after everything coming to light....AND that they have decided to divorce because they were no longer in love to begin with....

 

It just seems odd that now your relationship is being hidden. It just doesnt ring true that at this point she is being lied to. Even if it is to keep in her semi good graces so he doesnt get financially screwed, its manipulation.

 

If I were you, I would stay on the alert and be surprised by nothing.

[jwi71]

You're being lied to that's for certain.

 

When you met the W...you were introduced as what? I'm guessing platonic friend.

 

How certain are you the W actually WRITES the blog...I've seen some MM do CRAZY shyte here. I wouldn't place that in the realm of impossibility.

 

And his LIE about not wanting to pay for her medical training is just that... a lie. IF he stays M to her he pays because she is a SAHM and HE is her income. If they D same story...so he's paying regardless. And forget punitive alimony/awards here...according to him and this "blog"...she's been sleeping around as well. It will be "normal" alimony...nothing punitive.

 

He's worried she might "bury him" because of you? Excuse me, didn't your MM claim that she openly has sex with others? That she blogged about it? Judges aren't stupid...they won't be fazed by your existence given her behavior. Especially, since I promise your MM says she started it. So...uh...why all the sudden secrecy and worry?

 

He's lying. About all of it.

From day one.

 

How can you explain the new phone and email? What's his reason given what I say above? Does it make sense to you in my light? Hell no. Cause he's LYING.

 

He got BUSTED pure and simple. Hence the new phone and email. Hence the new secrecy. He's in full all out save his a$$ mode.

 

Good luck...I have this feeling you are looking for shadows in the fog with your eyes closed...

[1Angel]

Think about jwi71's questions.

[Sabrina2009]

You're being lied to that's for certain.

 

When you met the W...you were introduced as what? I'm guessing platonic friend.

 

How certain are you the W actually WRITES the blog...I've seen some MM do CRAZY shyte here. I wouldn't place that in the realm of impossibility.

 

And his LIE about not wanting to pay for her medical training is just that... a lie. IF he stays M to her he pays because she is a SAHM and HE is her income. If they D same story...so he's paying regardless. ...

 

You're definitely right to tell me to be careful, but a few more clarifications...

 

When i was introduced to her right after Thanksgiving, it was as someone he was dating (albeit casually at the time). That is also when she mentioned her blog, in a funny story about some comments that she had gotten. I was curious enough to check it out after, and have been reading it ever since. That night, she wrote about meeting me and referred to me as his girlfriend. She actually joked "she's everything he loves in a woman... positively perfect for him... Would it be wrong of me to hope he moves in with her?" Not that he's moving in with me yet, but...

 

So none of that has been a lie. I just don't think she thought he would really leave, and now she is (rightfully, I admit) worrying about her standard of living (and I think jealous that he has found someone else). Also, he's not against paying for her school, he just wants to get everything in writing before he moves out... what he will be paying for, how they will eventually split the house (he is willing to pay the mortgage and let her live there while she is in school, if once she finishes she will let him buy out her equity). And more importantly, shared custody and generous visitation with their daughter. We are lying low because she is pissed that he has already found someone new, and somewhat errativ by nature... and if they can't settle things amicably now, there will be a messy legal fight and lots of lawyers' fees that he will end up getting stuck with. Since both parties have been seeing other people, neither has grounds for a "fault" divorce, but a no-fault one takes a year in our state, and could involve tons of legal fees if they have to fight in court over every little thing.

 

I understand this, but it's just hard to deal with in the short term. We both wish he could just walk out the door today, but we would pay for it in the long run. He would, and I would too if this works out, as I hope to eventually have a positive relationship with his daughter (age 5 now), which would be harder if her mother is bitter and spiteful.

[whichwayisup]

The real problem here seems, each of them were allowed to do 'whatever' but not "leave for someone else." Whatever the original agreement is/was between them and having an open marriage CHANGED because of HIM. No wonder she's upset and pissed off. He changed the rules.

 

I suggest you completely stay out of this, stop reading her blog too. Let them sort this out, talk to lawyers and deal with it in their own way without your input. I dont' mean that meanly, but you get no say on financial issues, how much he pays her in alimony.

 

As of now, everything is up in the air. This is between them now, so shield your heart. Things could change and not in the way you want.

[fooled once]

...for reminding me to stay a little (or a lot) skeptical. Only time will tell if he is truly serious about both ending his marriage and being with me. I think he is, and I think the STBXW wants out as well, but she is playing tough to get a better settlement (she is a stay-at-home-mom right now, but is applying to a medical assistant training program and wants him to pay for it, and to stay in the house with him paying for a while). I'm willing to lay low and give him a few weeks to iron everything out, but he has to show me that he is moving forward, or I'm going to have to end it. I've just got to find my line between a reasonable degree of patience and being stupid. Hopefully I can stay strong and make the tough decisions if I need to.

 

And can you live with if a judge orders this?

 

Could be the case as they agreed she would be a SAHM and I know someone whose exH will be paying $2000 c/s each month, plus all the mortgage, plus her car payment and car insurance for the next 2.5 years.

 

And remember, this is "HIS" divorce/separation - not yours or "ours". This is his situation to deal with. You will save yourself a lot of headaches if you can keep that clarity. If he gets a lawyer, that is 'his' lawyer. Decisions made between him, her and the judge is their decisions.

 

IF you want to have a relationship with him outside of his marriage, let him end his marriage and deal with all that first.

[whichwayisup]

I'm willing to lay low and give him a few weeks to iron everything out, but he has to show me that he is moving forward, or I'm going to have to end it.

 

It's gonna take more than afew weeks to 'iron this out, and everything else'. End it now and tell him to call you when the divorce is final. If you push him into a timeline which suits YOU, he will shun this and feel pressured by you. NOONE likes ultimatums, so if you plan on saying this to him, be prepared to lose him.