I don't get it

[Jeff1962]

So many on here are involved with other married people. I don't get it.

 

You are ok with being used for sex and coming in second best? You agree to this arrangement? You actually trust someone who is cheating on their spouse to tell you the truth?

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I only come in second to my family.

[Holding-On]

Many people would prefer to be the secondary date for someone for whom they feel deeply than the primary partner of someone who does nothing for them emotionally.

 

Many people have a primary partner already and are looking for a secondary.

 

Many people want a FWB while they look for a solid relationship.

 

Some people don't think in secondary and primary terms.

 

Just a few possibilities.

[willowfields]

you enjoy the time the two of you have together, and try not to think of the A as in terms of second best ect. Just enjoy it for what it is. at one point i was able to do that until i moved out of my home, that's when things changed for me. the pain of an affair started to become too much, and i knew i would start asking for unrealistic expectations.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

in my case the good was so amazing that i was willing to come in second. i never felt second during the affair. he always did a great job at making me believe i was first in his heart. it was only after dday that i found out the truth...

[Heather1]

wasn't looking....but now that I'm on this end of things I'd say I'm insane. Who knows why anything happens? I mean really? Raise your hand if you're perfect! This has always been one of life's ancient mysteries.....

[jnd2009]

You may not agree with what I have to say but.....

 

Yes, I am ok with it. We both know we have SO's at home. It is just a little something 'fun' on the side. No reason as to why though, haven't figured that out myself. I however do not trust him 100% (with everything he says that is). I know I can't fully trust him, because if he's lying to his own wife to see me, who's to say he's not lying about anything to me? The thing is, I'm not with him to build a relationship. I'm not with him to take him from his wife. I want him to be with her before me. His life with her must come first, and mine with my bf is the same.

[pureinheart]

So many on here are involved with other married people. I don't get it.

 

You are ok with being used for sex and coming in second best? You agree to this arrangement? You actually trust someone who is cheating on their spouse to tell you the truth?

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I only come in second to my family.

 

Hey Jeff, not quite understanding either....did your W cheat on you? Is this about not understanding why people cheat or have A's?

[OWoman]

So many on here are involved with other married people. I don't get it.

 

You are ok with being used for sex and coming in second best? You agree to this arrangement? You actually trust someone who is cheating on their spouse to tell you the truth?

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I only come in second to my family.

 

What's not to get about being FIRST? I've never been second to anyone! I had everything exactly how I wanted it, both during the A and once I decided I wanted "more".

 

Before you ASSUME that someone in an A is coming second, you should apprise yourself of the facts.

 

The person whose calls are always taken, no matter where the MM is or what he's doing, and whose bidding is always done, and to whom he always goes immediately when summoned - that person is certainly not "second". I've had that in ALL of my As, it was one of the preconditions, and it was something each of those MMs agreed to quite willingly. If being given exactly what you want, when you want it, in a R is your idea of coming "second", I'd love to know what you think of as coming "first"...

[skywriter]

Jeff,

It's good that you don't get it. Hopefully, you'll never get it.

 

Years back, my closest friend in the world, had an A. I didn't get it either. Then another close friend had an A. The two experienced their own versions of disappointment etc. in their A's. Because both women desired different things from their AP's.

 

Either way, it just wasn't good. At that time in my life, I never thought there would be a snowballed chance in hell of me experiencing being involved with a MM.

 

Don't have to tell you the obvious. Now I find myself in a place that most say they "never will".

 

If I could go back in time and redo what I've done, I would. People have to make their own mistakes, and it's hard to stand back and accept, when you see people you love choose to do something, that you know can lead to pain and disappointment.

Edited January 18, 2010 by skywriter

[Fallen Angel]

So many on here are involved with other married people. I don't get it.

 

You are ok with being used for sex and coming in second best? You agree to this arrangement? You actually trust someone who is cheating on their spouse to tell you the truth?

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I only come in second to my family.

 

I am not being used for sex. If he was in it for sex he wouldn't be with me, he is in it for love. And I am far from second best, he risks everything he worked for his whole life, for time with me, how is that making me second best? Like OWoman, he always answers my calls, he comes to me when I want/need him. I am well loved. And yes, I trust him to tell me the truth. he has no reason to lie to me.

[reboot]

What's not to get about being FIRST? I've never been second to anyone! I had everything exactly how I wanted it, both during the A and once I decided I wanted "more".

 

Before you ASSUME that someone in an A is coming second, you should apprise yourself of the facts.

 

The person whose calls are always taken, no matter where the MM is or what he's doing, and whose bidding is always done, and to whom he always goes immediately when summoned - that person is certainly not "second". I've had that in ALL of my As, it was one of the preconditions, and it was something each of those MMs agreed to quite willingly. If being given exactly what you want, when you want it, in a R is your idea of coming "second", I'd love to know what you think of as coming "first"...

 

OW, surely you'll admit you're the exception and not the rule?

[atlnay]

So many on here are involved with other married people. I don't get it.

 

You are ok with being used for sex and coming in second best? You agree to this arrangement? You actually trust someone who is cheating on their spouse to tell you the truth?

 

I'm sorry, I don't understand. I only come in second to my family.

 

OW here. Second by choice. Meh.

 

Didn't start out that way, it's what it evolved into. When the scales were out of balance, meaning I was putting him 1st & making him a high priority is when I tipped the scales back so he has the same priority to me that I have to him. Which works for me now.

 

We were coworkers so we had a connection long before the sex part kicked in, so am I am being used? I s'pose but so is he.

 

I don't trust him to tell me the truth so I don't ask questions that'll get me a lie in return.

 

Don't get me wrong I like him a lot & I know he likes me so we actually do have a good time together, but it is what it is and I can't help you get it, not that I think you truly want to

[skywriter]

Didn't start out that way, it's what it evolved into. When the scales were out of balance, meaning I was putting him 1st & making him a high priority is when I tipped the scales back so he has the same priority to me that I have to him. Which works for me now.

 

I love your attitude, atlnay. Don't give more than you can afford to lose.

 

That's a very sound way of thinking. Also, for myself, (no judging others here), I have found it best for me ,to get out of this ,A. Not to mention, not really into hiding, helping someone hide, and not being able to be normal.

Edited January 18, 2010 by skywriter

[Jeff1962]

Hey Jeff, not quite understanding either....did your W cheat on you? Is this about not understanding why people cheat or have A's?

 

As far as I know my wife has been faithful. I would like to think that she has respect enough for me to not cheat.

 

I've never been in an A so maybe I don't understand.

 

I just hypothetically feel that in an A, you know that the other person is with someone else. That other person comes first because they don't want to destroy their marriage. You are someone they come to, to get needs met, be it sexual or emotional. I'm not judging. Screw who you want, I could care less. This is the internet.

 

I just don't get it though. How you can go home to this other person, back to this lie that you are living? I don't like to share. If I knew that my wife gave to another man what she should only give to me, I would feel like a piece of sh**. You just don't do this to someone that you love.

[Heather1]

if only life were as simple as that. In my situation, we crossed a line & didn't even know it WAY before the PA. Once your in, it's REALLY hard to get out of!!

 

Talk to your wife. I've avoided situations like this for 17 yrs before anything happened. Let each other know about your crushes (without letting the OP know!) & talk together about how much contact (if any) you want to have with that person before it gets out of control...and it does so quickly. If you want to avoid this stuff, I think this is the best way to safeguard.

 

Unfortunately for me, I had several crisis's in a row & OM was there for my fall. It was his window more than anything else.

[OWoman]

OW, surely you'll admit you're the exception and not the rule?

 

Only because more OWs don't demand to be first. If you're willing to settle for less, you'll get less. If you believe you're worth more, and insist on that as your bottom line from the outset, that's what you'll get.

[reboot]

Only because more OWs don't demand to be first. If you're willing to settle for less, you'll get less. If you believe you're worth more, and insist on that as your bottom line from the outset, that's what you'll get.

 

Oh, I don't know if I believe that. I think a lot of OW if they demand more, will get nothing. Lots of married people that are cheating have no intention of leaving their marriage. Especially MM.

 

I'm sure what you're saying is right in some cases. I won't even try to speculate on what the percentages might be.

[Crazyforhim]

Like many others, I was one of those people who never thought they'd find themselves in this situation either. There have been many opportunities in my M where I could have crossed the line and didn't. Then I met my MM, the emotional connection between us was unbelievable strong and I fell in love.

 

Ithink it's just one of those things you don't understand until you've been on the other side. There are people on this board that have A's with MM and are happy with the situation like it is. There are others, me being in this group, that love their MM and would like to have a life with him one day. Being away from him is hard, but I'd rather have him in my life some than not at all.

[doushenka]

I don't like to share.

 

Well, that's you.

 

Some of us share because it's in our natures. This is non-monogamy. Of the non-monogamous, a subset insist on honesty -- the ethical non-monogamists, you might say. No lies; everyone knows who's doing who. Some people express this by swinging. Some express this by having multiple committed and above-board relationships. Most are somewhere in between.

 

So while your morality says "I don't like to share, and neither should my wife", mine says "I like to share, and I hope my partner(s) do(es) too". I won't put up with deception in my relationships, any more than you would. I merely acknowledge that it's possible to have more than one partner without lying to any of them.

[skywriter]

Interesting that you mentioned you didn't understand and that you didn't like to share.

 

I've asked the MM this question. "How would you feel if your W, did to you what you've done to her? He had a very disturbing expression on his face and said, "No", "I wouldn't like it at all and I don't think I'd ever forgive her."

 

So, with that answer I translated that, he could seperate his feelings, use me, have no respect for me, because I was involved with a MM. On the other hand, his W, was just that, "his". The mother of his children and the one he'd go home to at night.

[reboot]

So while your morality says "I don't like to share, and neither should my wife", mine says "I like to share, and I hope my partner(s) do(es) too". I won't put up with deception in my relationships, any more than you would. I merely acknowledge that it's possible to have more than one partner without lying to any of them.

 

That's perfectly acceptable, so long as your partner understands and agrees. Most of the stories you read here are by people who neither understood nor agreed.

[Jeff1962]

Well, that's you.

 

Some of us share because it's in our natures. This is non-monogamy. Of the non-monogamous, a subset insist on honesty -- the ethical non-monogamists, you might say. No lies; everyone knows who's doing who. Some people express this by swinging. Some express this by having multiple committed and above-board relationships. Most are somewhere in between.

 

So while your morality says "I don't like to share, and neither should my wife", mine says "I like to share, and I hope my partner(s) do(es) too". I won't put up with deception in my relationships, any more than you would. I merely acknowledge that it's possible to have more than one partner without lying to any of them.

 

Like I said, do as you wish. You are not me. I do not expect you to hold the same expectations as I do.

[reboot]

True, but yet you have to allow for the possibility that there are OW/OM's out there who have no issues with their chosen path so they have no reason to find some place like LS and ask for help/advice or don't feel the need to tell their story.

 

It not fair to say that almost everyone in the world has problems within their relationships because of what you read here. It's the nature of the kind of forum that this is, in that you are going to see alot more unhappy people than happy.

 

If you actually read the post you quoted from me, I never said most of the people in the world, I said most of the posts you read here.

[reboot]

OK......you are right, you did say that.

 

Do I eat crow or what?

 

Want ketchup?

[Jeff1962]

It's OK that you don't get it, but yet your statement is full of assumptions and yes you tend to read about a lot of unhappiness with present situations here, else they most likely wouldn't be here......right?

 

So what are you doing on LS? You have some other kind of issue going on in your family? Inquiring minds are just curious since you are HERE.

 

Guess I just needed to know that I was not alone. That my marriage was not the only imperfect one. Was looking for thoughts of others.