Well meaning friends

[polksaladannie]

Can I get an amen from any of you out there who have well meaning friends. You know, the ones who constantly point out that you "could do better than a married man" or that you "deserve better".

 

As a 30something divorced mother, the pickings seem to be pretty slim. Most men in my age group are a)married or b)looking for younger women with whom they can start a family. I have tried POF and Match and the men that have approached me are not even close to what I want. And, sorry, I don't feel the need to lower my standards just because I have "baggage and should be happy for whatever I can get".

 

So to my well meaning-and all happily married friends-I say (with love) STFU and let me enjoy my happiness with a MM..unless you know of a nice, smart, good looking(to me) guy who wants to take a chance on an attractive, hardworking single mother:)

[greengoddess]

and you don't think being with someone who goes home to his wife and family every night, a man who hides you from the world, is not lowering your standards?

[polksaladannie]

and you don't think being with someone who goes home to his wife and family every night, a man who hides you from the world, is not lowering your standards?

 

I hear what you are saying but it is either him or no one. Sure, I could "get" a guy..an unattractive, uneducated guy whose idea of a good time is having a Budweiser while watching Nascar(no offense to people who like this sort of thing; it's NMS)....but would it be a guy I actually wanted?

 

I'm not happy that an attractive, intelligent and hardworking guy who wants me happens to be married. But what is the alternative?

[bentnotbroken]

Can I get an amen from any of you out there who have well meaning friends. You know, the ones who constantly point out that you "could do better than a married man" or that you "deserve better".

 

As a 30something divorced mother, the pickings seem to be pretty slim. Most men in my age group are a)married or b)looking for younger women with whom they can start a family. I have tried POF and Match and the men that have approached me are not even close to what I want. And, sorry, I don't feel the need to lower my standards just because I have "baggage and should be happy for whatever I can get".

 

So to my well meaning-and all happily married friends-I say (with love) STFU and let me enjoy my happiness with a MM..unless you know of a nice, smart, good looking(to me) guy who wants to take a chance on an attractive, hardworking single mother:)

 

 

So what I gather from your post and the bolded statementis that being with a MM is your first choice. I mean that is what you truly want. And I guess you did not lower your standard to be with someone else's spouse, it was always within your standard to do so. Am I reading this correctly.

[polksaladannie]

So what I gather from your post and the bolded statementis that being with a MM is your first choice. I mean that is what you truly want. And I guess you did not lower your standard to be with someone else's spouse, it was always within your standard to do so. Am I reading this correctly.

 

Well it's my first choice to be with an intelligent, hardworking, handsome guy. That is what my MM is. Yes, I don't feel good about him being married. Would I rather have him be single and totally available to me? Of course.

[bentnotbroken]

Well it's my first choice to be with an intelligent, hardworking, handsome guy. That is what my MM is. Yes, I don't feel good about him being married. Would I rather have him be single and totally available to me? Of course.

 

 

Intelligent, hardworking and handsome but not integrity, respect, dignity, honorable and honest. When you are teaching your children what to look for in a spouse, will you only tell them about the ones you listed or will you tell them the importance of having a standard toward others and one's self in life?

[polksaladannie]

Intelligent, hardworking and handsome but not integrity, respect, dignity, honorable and honest. When you are teaching your children what to look for in a spouse, will you only tell them about the ones you listed or will you tell them the importance of having a standard toward others and one's self in life?

 

Hopefully my girls will not settle in marriage(as I did) only to find themselves alone and divorced with very little prospects for a good man.

 

I know plenty of married men who do not cheat who are not honorable, do not have dignity, are dishonest,etc.

 

My MM came to me. He pursued me. Hard. Had he been happy in his marriage, he would not have done that.

 

Again, I would love it if a great guy popped down from the heavens but I don't see it happening. Does this mean I should be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life?

[norajane]

Does this mean I should be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life?

 

How about being alone for a while and becoming happy with who you are? Why do you need a man to be happy with your life, to the point you would accept a MM as better than nothing? Nothing is better than a lying cheater.

 

If you're happy with your life on your own, you won't need to settle for a relationship with someone who goes home to his wife and family every night. You can wait for a quality man and a quality relationship.

[polksaladannie]

How about being alone for a while and becoming happy with who you are? Why do you need a man to be happy with your life, to the point you would accept a MM as better than nothing? Nothing is better than a lying cheater.

 

If you're happy with your life on your own, you won't need to settle for a relationship with someone who goes home to his wife and family every night. You can wait for a quality man and a quality relationship.

 

I can appreciate what you are saying but how long is enough? I had been alone for nearly four years when MM came along. Should I have been alone for five, ten, maybe fifteen years? Am I being punished? Is that my acceptable "sentence"?

 

I do have a good life but being with this guy-MM or not-enhances it.

[bentnotbroken]

Hopefully my girls will not settle in marriage(as I did) only to find themselves alone and divorced with very little prospects for a good man.

 

I know plenty of married men who do not cheat who are not honorable, do not have dignity, are dishonest,etc.

 

My MM came to me. He pursued me. Hard. Had he been happy in his marriage, he would not have done that.

 

Again, I would love it if a great guy popped down from the heavens but I don't see it happening. Does this mean I should be alone and unhappy for the rest of my life?

 

 

I agree with you. There is no implication that being married is the same as being honorable. But it is certainly clear that a MM who lies when asked directly a question is even less honorable and a coward with limited coping skills to boot.

 

No one said you should be alone, but to say a MM is better than no man says more about you than it does him.

[You'reasian]

How about being alone for a while and becoming happy with who you are? Why do you need a man to be happy with your life, to the point you would accept a MM as better than nothing? Nothing is better than a lying cheater.

 

If you're happy with your life on your own, you won't need to settle for a relationship with someone who goes home to his wife and family every night. You can wait for a quality man and a quality relationship.

 

Spot on, norajane.

 

Your actions are bad dating karma.

[bentnotbroken]

I can appreciate what you are saying but how long is enough? I had been alone for nearly four years when MM came along. Should I have been alone for five, ten, maybe fifteen years? Am I being punished? Is that my acceptable "sentence"?

 

I do have a good life but being with this guy-MM or not-enhances it.

 

 

As long as you aren't comfortable enough in your own skin to be alone for however long that is, you won't ever have what you deserve. You will have what you settle for. No matter how he treats you, you don't want to be alone and will deal. If you move on you will be on the look out for the next thing, because you don't want to be alone.

 

You make it sound like you sat on the side lines of your life and watched it pass you by because you weren't with a man. You should have been living, learning and growing during that time. I guess I will never understand the concept of not wanting to be alone. Alone does not mean lonely or bored or not living. It means unattached and free to do the things I enjoy without consideration for someone else's plans or opinions. If someone finds me...great. If not, I still will have a hell of a time living my life to the fullest.

[polksaladannie]

I agree with you. There is no implication that being married is the same as being honorable. But it is certainly clear that a MM who lies when asked directly a question is even less honorable and a coward with limited coping skills to boot.

 

No one said you should be alone, but to say a MM is better than no man says more about you than it does him.

 

Honestly if I were younger and did not have baggage, I would not be with a MM. But when you get older and you have baggage, you get humble. The pool of guys who are interested shrinks. In the old days, I could go to the club with my girlfriends and plenty of guys would want me. Now, not so much.

 

Again, I like my life but it is hard to be alone for years. Everyone needs love.

 

I don't feel badly about my situation because my MM will never leave her. I don't like that but I have accepted it. What else can I do?

[polksaladannie]

As long as you aren't comfortable enough in your own skin to be alone for however long that is, you won't ever have what you deserve. You will have what you settle for. No matter how he treats you, you don't want to be alone and will deal. If you move on you will be on the look out for the next thing, because you don't want to be alone.

 

= QUOTE]

 

I disagree with the fact that I don't want to be alone...ever. It's one thing to be alone for awhile...but for years? Come on, let's be honest..how many of you would want to go unloved for years?

[polksaladannie]

You make it sound like you sat on the side lines of your life and watched it pass you by because you weren't with a man. You should have been living, learning and growing during that time. I guess I will never understand the concept of not wanting to be alone. Alone does not mean lonely or bored or not living. It means unattached and free to do the things I enjoy without consideration for someone else's plans or opinions. If someone finds me...great. If not, I still will have a hell of a time living my life to the fullest.

 

Did you miss the part when I said that I was alone/dateless for 4 years before MM came to me???

[bentnotbroken]

Honestly if I were younger and did not have baggage, I would not be with a MM. But when you get older and you have baggage, you get humble. The pool of guys who are interested shrinks. In the old days, I could go to the club with my girlfriends and plenty of guys would want me. Now, not so much.

 

Again, I like my life but it is hard to be alone for years. Everyone needs love.

 

I don't feel badly about my situation because my MM will never leave her. I don't like that but I have accepted it. What else can I do?

 

WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO? Well let's just say, the way you view yourself is the way others view you too. All you listed were some dumb azz superficial reasons for being with a MM. You are older...so what. Many of us are and we get better with age. Yes, I am older, I have baggage(of the magnitude you couldn't imagine) and who doesn't have a past. You have chidlren, so do I. You are how you feel. Beauty comes from the inside out. This post explains the nasty things you said about his W. You don't esteem yourself and putting her down makes you feel better. "I am not as hot as I used to be, but at least I am hotter than his fat stupid wife" This is not a good way to look at others and certainly not a good way to see yourself.

 

There are men and women here not just in their 40's, but 50's who don't feel like they can't hold there own with any age group with any baggage.

[polksaladannie]

WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO? Well let's just say, the way you view yourself is the way others view you too. All you listed were some dumb azz superficial reasons for being with a MM. You are older...so what. Many of us are and we get better with age. Yes, I am older, I have baggage(of the magnitude you couldn't imagine) and who doesn't have a past. You have chidlren, so do I. You are how you feel. Beauty comes from the inside out. This post explains the nasty things you said about his W. You don't esteem yourself and putting her down makes you feel better. "I am not as hot as I used to be, but at least I am hotter than his fat stupid wife" This is not a good way to look at others and certainly not a good way to see yourself.

 

There are men and women here not just in their 40's, but 50's who don't feel like they can't hold there own with any age group with any baggage.

 

Excuse me, I did not say anything nasty about his W. I shared some honest observations. And for the record, I did not imply that I was prettier or better than her. The bolded part of your quote are your words, not mine.

 

I am a nice person who happens to be in a relationship with a MM. We are not all b*tches who wait up in the morning with an unrelentless desire to crush someone's soul.

 

Again, I wrote the OP because I was tired of the pat answers I get from friends when it comes to the situation I am in, answers that come from happily married people who do not know the pain of being lonely and unloved.

[Hazyhead]

Yes, I don't feel good about him being married. Would I rather have him be single and totally available to me? Of course.

 

I think that in time the fact that he is married will eat at you more and more. I get the thrill, completely, I also get that you, at this point, wouldn't look 6 months/1year down the line and think, 'Will I still feel as excited by it if he is still going home to his wife?'

 

Honestly if I were younger and did not have baggage, I would not be with a MM. But when you get older and you have baggage, you get humble. The pool of guys who are interested shrinks. In the old days, I could go to the club with my girlfriends and plenty of guys would want me. Now, not so much.

 

Again, I like my life but it is hard to be alone for years. Everyone needs love.

 

I don't feel badly about my situation because my MM will never leave her. I don't like that but I have accepted it. What else can I do?

 

Everyone does need love. But they do not need to give more than they get. Trust me, this leads to hurt. And actually, if he does love you it makes the situation even harder because you become even more reluctant to walk away when the pain intensifies.

 

I'm sorry to sound like I'm bashing, but I agree with the other posters here, you really need to be careful.

 

Good luck.

[willowfields]

All I want to know is, what is wrong with drinking beer and watching nascar. Don't base too much of a relationship on looks. Beauty fades.

[polksaladannie]

All I want to know is, what is wrong with drinking beer and watching nascar. Don't base too much of a relationship on looks. Beauty fades.

 

LOL...I know the Nascar has a lot of followers..as does beer..obviously! But there is a stereotype of who tends to follow that sort of thing(where I am from at least) and it is usually uneducated and unmotivated.

 

And, yes, I agree that beauty fades. But there needs to be an attraction. Should I settle for unattractive if that's all I can get?

[bentnotbroken]

Excuse me, I did not say anything nasty about his W. I shared some honest observations. And for the record, I did not imply that I was prettier or better than her. The bolded part of your quote are your words, not mine.

 

I am a nice person who happens to be in a relationship with a MM. We are not all b*tches who wait up in the morning with an unrelentless desire to crush someone's soul.

 

Again, I wrote the OP because I was tired of the pat answers I get from friends when it comes to the situation I am in, answers that come from happily married people who do not know the pain of being lonely and unloved.

 

 

Yes, the bolded parts are my interpretation of what I read from your post. And yes, you did speak negatively of her in the other thread. Go back and read your words. I never said you weren't a nice person, I didn't call anyone a b!tch and never called anyone a b!tch on this board. I didn't even think to characterize you this way. Is this how you see yourself deep inside? That isn't goo. And you don't "just happen" to be involved with a MM you chose that because you don't want to be alone. Unloved should never be a word anyone uses, because you should love yourself enough to never feel unloved.

[Hazyhead]

LOL...I know the Nascar has a lot of followers..as does beer..obviously! But there is a stereotype of who tends to follow that sort of thing(where I am from at least) and it is usually uneducated and unmotivated.

 

And, yes, I agree that beauty fades. But there needs to be an attraction. Should I settle for unattractive if that's all I can get?

 

I appreciate that you feel it's better than being alone, but you close yourself off to someone who is all that the MM is (and more - potentially loyal, etc.) if you give your heart and time to him. Do not think that that is all you can get.

 

Like attracts like.

 

BTW, there are a lot of stereotypes that don't do anybody any favours. Nascar maybe one (British so wouldn't know) but there's one other in particular that being in this situation makes me aware of stereotyping people.

[polksaladannie]

. Unloved should never be a word anyone uses, because you should love yourself enough to never feel unloved.

 

And God bless us everyone, right?

[polksaladannie]

I appreciate that you feel it's better than being alone, but you close yourself off to someone who is all that the MM is (and more - potentially loyal, etc.) if you give your heart and time to him. Do not think that that is all you can get.

 

Like attracts like.

 

.

 

Well, again, if you know where all of these wonderful men are, men who could love a single mother with a lot to offer, please do let me know where they are:)

[norajane]

All those well-meaning friends love you (you are not unloved!). And they want to see you with someone worthy of you. They're not seeing that with this guy, so they speak up in case you yourself don't believe you deserve better than this.

 

If you want them to stop, tell them you appreciate that they love you and it means a lot to you, but your loneliness isn't allowing you to step back from MM and be on your own until someone better comes along. Ask them to help you find someone, and if they can't ask them to stop bringing it up because their comments make you more sad than anything else.

 

They'll take that to heart better than yelling at them to STFU, and will understand you better. They want to be kind, but they don't know your fears and frustrations.

Edited January 17, 2010 by norajane