XMM want to bring you down?

[me003]

Have you notice that after fighting like hell to do NC, XMM wants you even more, but when he had you he didn't appreciate you?

 

Or that when you have broken up and don't call him he initiates contact and gives you just enough time to ALMOST forget him?

 

Or when he sees or feels that he is really loosing you tries to sabotage that by giving you the guilt trip with those sad words that will make the coldest heart melt?

 

XMM is now hearing that its over. I have said the same words 10 times and on the 10th time he hears it loud and clear. does it really take that long to hear the same words "I deserve better and you are not giving it to me. Until you are single do not contact me about anything personal."

[Hazyhead]

Have you notice that after fighting like hell to do NC, XMM wants you even more, but when he had you he didn't appreciate you?

 

Or that when you have broken up and don't call him he initiates contact and gives you just enough time to ALMOST forget him?

 

Or when he sees or feels that he is really loosing you tries to sabotage that by giving you the guilt trip with those sad words that will make the coldest heart melt?

 

XMM is now hearing that its over. I have said the same words 10 times and on the 10th time he hears it loud and clear. does it really take that long to hear the same words "I deserve better and you are not giving it to me. Until you are single do not contact me about anything personal."

 

God, the pain from this exact form of behaviour is crippling me right now. I had made some progress and was maintaining NC. But I might as well have not bothered.

 

I want someone to reach into my head and take him out of it so that when he contacts me I can say, 'Who?' Anybody know of a surgeon who can perform that?

 

I hope that you're ok. You've done good and I hope I can do the same

[whichwayisup]

Emotional blackmail and guilt trip does not equal a man in love if he does this to his OW. All this means is, his ego is hurting because YOU took back the power and aren't falling for his selfish ways, sheeyot on a stick. He's reacting to the NC because he's addicted to the drama and intensity of it all. If he truly cared and loved, respected you, he WOULD respect the NC and understand the need for it.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I am living this today, as a matter of fact. NC from xMM since I called him last Thursday. Today now he's emailing all day long. For example, "I'm afraid that we were as real as I thought we were..."

 

That means... "I was right. We belong together... I knew that, but I was too scared to make it happen. Now I am miserable, but you've moved on from me because I broke your heart. What an a$$clown I am!"

 

LOL I can read his mind..

[pureinheart]

Emotional blackmail and guilt trip does not equal a man in love if he does this to his OW. All this means is, his ego is hurting because YOU took back the power and aren't falling for his selfish ways, sheeyot on a stick. He's reacting to the NC because he's addicted to the drama and intensity of it all. If he truly cared and loved, respected you, he WOULD respect the NC and understand the need for it.

 

WWIU, I have always respected your opinion/advice/answers to dilemmas....

 

I think also there is some "traumatic bonding" going on too...this is a technique used to keep the victim in the "bondage"....it is a very effective technique....I see it much on these boards...

 

What it is is "a back and forth" of treating a person good, then horrible, this increases and continues...what this does is cause the victim to desire the good treatment, hoping it will happen again....I lent my book out that described it to a tee.

 

You also brought up the Narcissistic tendancies in these situations.

 

I would like your take on the traumatic bonding thing....I know it is mainly used on kidnap victims, although I am seeing it in the severe situations....when I read the book that touched on TB it really hit home.

 

What is your take on this concerning people using this technique, after researching it, do you see it....my therapist did bigtime.

[Fallen Angel]

God, the pain from this exact form of behaviour is crippling me right now. I had made some progress and was maintaining NC. But I might as well have not bothered.

 

I want someone to reach into my head and take him out of it so that when he contacts me I can say, 'Who?' Anybody know of a surgeon who can perform that?

 

I hope that you're ok. You've done good and I hope I can do the same

 

I think it is call a lobotomy, but since it tended to take people and turn them into zombies, they have pretty much quit doing it. Thank God, otherwise some of my friends may offer me up for one.. if they thought it would make me forget My MM.

 

 

I am living this today, as a matter of fact. NC from xMM since I called him last Thursday. Today now he's emailing all day long. For example, "I'm afraid that we were as real as I thought we were..."

 

That means... "I was right. We belong together... I knew that, but I was too scared to make it happen. Now I am miserable, but you've moved on from me because I broke your heart. What an a$$clown I am!"

 

LOL I can read his mind..

 

LMAO.. using that word to describe them just feels good sometimes, huh?

 

 

me003,

When you go NC against the desires of the MM, he keeps contacting you because he doesn't want to lose you. Just like if he said to you that he wanted to go NC, you most likely would continue to try to make contact with him. It is what people do, try to hold on to what they want. It doesn't mean that he will make any changes, it just means he liked things the way they were and he wants to keep it that way.

 

If you really want NC, then you have to be strong about enforcing it. Block his phone number from being able to call you. Block his email from being able to email you, block him at every turn, and let him know in no uncertain terms, that if he continues to make contact, it will be considered harrassment, and that you will go to his wife if he continues to harrass you.

 

I would just make sure that NC is really what you want before you do it though, if you are using it to heal, then you have to be firm. If you are trying however, to use Nc as a way to make him miss you (manipulating him into making a decision, then you will never make it stick anyway, and so it is pointless.

 

Good luck to you. May you be strong enough to do whatever your heart tells you that you must do.

[pureinheart]

Have you notice that after fighting like hell to do NC, XMM wants you even more, but when he had you he didn't appreciate you?

 

Or that when you have broken up and don't call him he initiates contact and gives you just enough time to ALMOST forget him?

 

Or when he sees or feels that he is really loosing you tries to sabotage that by giving you the guilt trip with those sad words that will make the coldest heart melt?

 

XMM is now hearing that its over. I have said the same words 10 times and on the 10th time he hears it loud and clear. does it really take that long to hear the same words "I deserve better and you are not giving it to me. Until you are single do not contact me about anything personal."

 

Me 003,

 

Here's how it goes and has gone ....and this I might add has gone on since he separated AND D'ed his W.

 

He is I believe a commitment phobic and Narcissist.

 

First of all ater she filed for D he asked me to be with him, in his mind the R was over so he felt it was (appropiate) to ask me. We were doing fine and then with the holidays approaching he changed greatly...it's like we were going further and further apart.

 

Then after the holidays he started taking a cocktail of pills, which included anti-depressants, vicodin, some and God knows what else.

 

He became extrememly abusive and after awhile I couldn't take it.

 

Sorry to say, and yes I am embarrassed to say it but this went on for months....the abuse, the fighting, it was discusting. All of my co workers hated him and saw it and hoped that I would get away from him as it was getting physical, meaning he was driving his motorcycle like a mad man and I got hurt a couple of times and he did not care, except for the fact that I might sue him.

 

In 2009 was nothing but fighting and NC and breaking it.

 

This last NC Is the first time I stuck to it as long as I did, I want to add that I do not put up with abuse any longer.

 

He blew up my phone for days, and like I stated in Hazy's thread he called out the big guns...he can't live without me, he wants to M me, he has a ring for me...yada, yada, yada...oh and even went to my daughters house....I really thought he was for real this time and got sucked back in....then asked him last night , hey what about all of the promises?

 

His answers were laced with throwing it back on me, completely dodging all direct questions....I may not know how to word things a lot, although I'm priddy real and priddy direct. Anyway, the just of it was him saying that I do not love him, and it is my fault that the relationship has not progressed.

 

Maybe I am wrong, but I see this as a cop out.

 

I am frustrated and am in need of a big miracle. I am leaving out many details in this reply/post....the fact is, is I cannot change anyone, although I can change me and I need to change.

 

My reply/post is my own situation and by no means are they meant to degrade the men who are for real or the OW in R with a MM who is in a weird situation.

 

I believe my exMM is a major exception, and I think some of the other ladies who have posted are in similar situations as mine.

 

All of the MM do not have the type of baggage that some of us are dealing with....and I might add this baggage is by no means from the W either...it is deep rooted baggage that occurred way early on in life.

 

This happens in single R also, I had a BF that actually did not know what he wanted...I'd get a call about every 3 mo with him wanting to start things up again...he would as usual stop calling...you know I let it go WTF you know? Then he really did get serious and called me and I had lost interest....I know he was serious too, it might have been good because he had a really good R with God, he was not a cheater, he was respectful, we did not fight ever, and he was hot (he looked exactly like Don Johnson)....but I had lost interest you know?

 

I have got to change me....ok done rambling

[pureinheart]

I think it is call a lobotomy, but since it tended to take people and turn them into zombies, they have pretty much quit doing it. Thank God, otherwise some of my friends may offer me up for one.. if they thought it would make me forget My MM.

 

 

I need one of those....hey do you guys know of anyone who does them on the side, I don't have that much money....Hey I do dental work on Thursdays! Maybe we could make a trade?

[pureinheart]

God, the pain from this exact form of behaviour is crippling me right now. I had made some progress and was maintaining NC. But I might as well have not bothered.

 

I want someone to reach into my head and take him out of it so that when he contacts me I can say, 'Who?' Anybody know of a surgeon who can perform that?

 

I hope that you're ok. You've done good and I hope I can do the same

 

Hazy...

 

It's a start...you showed yourself that it is possible...

[White Flower]

I am living this today, as a matter of fact. NC from xMM since I called him last Thursday. Today now he's emailing all day long. For example, "I'm afraid that we were as real as I thought we were..."

 

That means... "I was right. We belong together... I knew that, but I was too scared to make it happen. Now I am miserable, but you've moved on from me because I broke your heart. What an a$$clown I am!"

 

LOL I can read his mind..

 

So you've heard from him. Me too. Our stories couldn't be any more closer. Are you not enchanted? I'm not. Last time we had a D-day there were no broken promises so we picked up right where we left off. This time there were promises and I'm soooo disenchanted! Not exited to see him and I may not if ever.

[pureinheart]

i am living this today, as a matter of fact. Nc from xmm since i called him last thursday. Today now he's emailing all day long. For example, "i'm afraid that we were as real as i thought we were..."

 

that means... "i was right. We belong together... I knew that, but i was too scared to make it happen. Now i am miserable, but you've moved on from me because i broke your heart. What an a$$clown i am!"

 

lol i can read his mind..

 

lol................

[pureinheart]

So you've heard from him. Me too. Our stories couldn't be any more closer. Are you not enchanted? I'm not. Last time we had a D-day there were no broken promises so we picked up right where we left off. This time there were promises and I'm soooo disenchanted! Not exited to see him and I may not if ever.

 

WF....after awhile you just loose interest.....you ladies are much more intelligent than my daughter and me....I can't tell you how many times I've gone back....it is pathetic....and it's not like I don't have other options!

 

Oh my daughter was on the other side of this coin, he cheated on her, she finally started seeing other people, but I know she is all about him...WTF you know????!!!!!

[I Miss the Kiss]

So you've heard from him. Me too. Our stories couldn't be any more closer. Are you not enchanted? I'm not. Last time we had a D-day there were no broken promises so we picked up right where we left off. This time there were promises and I'm soooo disenchanted! Not exited to see him and I may not if ever.

 

I've heard from him, the a-hole. Early this morning... he had barely gotten to work for his FF shift and he was on his work computer with the "what have I done?" b*llsh*t. I almost started laughing... but not quite He HATES when I go missing and don't respond. I actually hope he calls me from work tonight. I have some choice words for him. LOL The good part is, if he doesn't call, I DON'T CARE. Either way, I'm good

 

He actually said in one of the emails "So what are you doing tonight? You aren't going out to any bars, are you?" IDIOT

 

The funny thing is, he emailed from work and the email automatically added his "signature" line, which includes his cell phone... so he inadvertnently gave me his new cell #!!! (remember he changed it when he went missing on Jan 1st and decided he wasn't going to tell me he had changed the plan to BE WITH ME the very next week?)

 

So I did email back and politely point out that I have his new cell # now because it was in his email. LOL Let him shake in his boots that I might call at a "bad time". LOL I LOVE IT!

[pureinheart]

I've heard from him, the a-hole. Early this morning... he had barely gotten to work for his FF shift and he was on his work computer with the "what have I done?" b*llsh*t. I almost started laughing... but not quite He HATES when I go missing and don't respond. I actually hope he calls me from work tonight. I have some choice words for him. LOL The good part is, if he doesn't call, I DON'T CARE. Either way, I'm good

 

He actually said in one of the emails "So what are you doing tonight? You aren't going out to any bars, are you?" IDIOT

 

The funny thing is, he emailed from work and the email automatically added his "signature" line, which includes his cell phone... so he inadvertnently gave me his new cell #!!! (remember he changed it when he went missing on Jan 1st and decided he wasn't going to tell me he had changed the plan to BE WITH ME the very next week?)

 

So I did email back and politely point out that I have his new cell # now because it was in his email. LOL Let him shake in his boots that I might call at a "bad time". LOL I LOVE IT!

 

It almost sounds like he pee'd on you or something, marking "his" territory...yet it also sounds like he sees you as an enemy too????

[Hazyhead]

I think it is call a lobotomy, but since it tended to take people and turn them into zombies, they have pretty much quit doing it. Thank God, otherwise some of my friends may offer me up for one.. if they thought it would make me forget My MM.

 

Lol! I'd go for being a zombie right now, I really would. Do you reckon they can reverse them afterwards so that I can come to my senses and be, like, 'What was I thinking?'

 

 

Hazy...

 

It's a start...you showed yourself that it is possible...

 

Thanks Pure. It's hard to see that right now because I just feel angry at myself for letting him pull me back. But I suppose if I did it once I can do it again.

 

As can you!

 

So you've heard from him. Me too. Our stories couldn't be any more closer. Are you not enchanted? I'm not. Last time we had a D-day there were no broken promises so we picked up right where we left off. This time there were promises and I'm soooo disenchanted! Not exited to see him and I may not if ever.

 

This is how I want to feel. Much respect!

 

I've heard from him, the a-hole. Early this morning... he had barely gotten to work for his FF shift and he was on his work computer with the "what have I done?" b*llsh*t. I almost started laughing... but not quite He HATES when I go missing and don't respond. I actually hope he calls me from work tonight. I have some choice words for him. LOL The good part is, if he doesn't call, I DON'T CARE. Either way, I'm good

 

He actually said in one of the emails "So what are you doing tonight? You aren't going out to any bars, are you?" IDIOT

 

The funny thing is, he emailed from work and the email automatically added his "signature" line, which includes his cell phone... so he inadvertnently gave me his new cell #!!! (remember he changed it when he went missing on Jan 1st and decided he wasn't going to tell me he had changed the plan to BE WITH ME the very next week?)

 

So I did email back and politely point out that I have his new cell # now because it was in his email. LOL Let him shake in his boots that I might call at a "bad time". LOL I LOVE IT!

 

I feel that you've done a really good job to keep walking away but I fear he'll pull you back because, like I did, you are humouring him to a certain extent (which I can understand - he hurt you so badly) by responding. The situation will alwyas bring drama to you whilst you let it.

 

Now I need to follow my own advice! Keep moving forward IMTK