Choose!!!!!

[Hazyhead]

I got sucked back in. I walked away after he tried to work on his marriage and twice he came to me and said he needed me and it was me he wanted to be with, blah, blah, blah, and I managed to say 'No more affair for me, thanks!' But, here I am again. I succumbed and wanted to believe him. I met with him and he told me he was telling his wife that evening. Just the meeting was enough, I was hooked again. I wanted him to do it.

 

So, he didn't. He couldn't 'at that time', but he would. Argh! I know I've been here before and I know you guys must be fed up with me saying that I know I need to walk away.

 

I just feel like he's telling me that he's chosen, but if that were the case he wouldn't still be there, regardless of whatever his reason is. It's tearing me apart because I want to be strong, but I'm weak to him. I was reading all the split-self affair on the other forum and that's him. Completely. So, there's the reason, or part of the reason, but so what? He still carries on and would even if he were to sit down, read that information, and say 'Yep, that's how I feel'.

 

I'm at a loss now. I tried to do NC, I really did, but here I am again and I feel I have less strength than the last time. I'm venting because it helps me to focus on me rather than what he's feeling, which seems to be such a big issue the rest of the time. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling second. I'm just tired and I feel like that's sapping the energy I need to tell him to stop.

[hopeless4u]

I got sucked back in. I walked away after he tried to work on his marriage and twice he came to me and said he needed me and it was me he wanted to be with, blah, blah, blah, and I managed to say 'No more affair for me, thanks!' But, here I am again. I succumbed and wanted to believe him. I met with him and he told me he was telling his wife that evening. Just the meeting was enough, I was hooked again. I wanted him to do it.

 

So, he didn't. He couldn't 'at that time', but he would. Argh! I know I've been here before and I know you guys must be fed up with me saying that I know I need to walk away.

 

I just feel like he's telling me that he's chosen, but if that were the case he wouldn't still be there, regardless of whatever his reason is. It's tearing me apart because I want to be strong, but I'm weak to him. I was reading all the split-self affair on the other forum and that's him. Completely. So, there's the reason, or part of the reason, but so what? He still carries on and would even if he were to sit down, read that information, and say 'Yep, that's how I feel'.

 

I'm at a loss now. I tried to do NC, I really did, but here I am again and I feel I have less strength than the last time. I'm venting because it helps me to focus on me rather than what he's feeling, which seems to be such a big issue the rest of the time. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling second. I'm just tired and I feel like that's sapping the energy I need to tell him to stop.

 

 

Hey HH, I feel your confusion. ((hugs))

 

I am still in LC with my xMM and yes he 'talks' all the time about HIS confusion, how he still doesn't know if he can reconnect with his W.

 

The one thing we have both said is that we will never go back to the A and he knows that D is the only way he can be with me, nothing less.

 

I actually find talking to him helps because when he says things that would of previously given me hope, I now see it as 'blah, blah, blah'.

 

I won't lie to you, yes at the moment I would want him back if he D his W and I am still hopelessly in love with him but I am moving forward because, like I said to xMM he has forced me to. I didn't have a choice, he did and he chose his W and thats just the way it is.

 

Don't go back there HH, not in an A. If its meant to be then HE will choose but not if he still has you like before.

[Hazyhead]

Hey HH, I feel your confusion. ((hugs))

 

I am still in LC with my xMM and yes he 'talks' all the time about HIS confusion, how he still doesn't know if he can reconnect with his W.

 

The one thing we have both said is that we will never go back to the A and he knows that D is the only way he can be with me, nothing less.

 

I actually find talking to him helps because when he says things that would of previously given me hope, I now see it as 'blah, blah, blah'.

 

I won't lie to you, yes at the moment I would want him back if he D his W and I am still hopelessly in love with him but I am moving forward because, like I said to xMM he has forced me to. I didn't have a choice, he did and he chose his W and thats just the way it is.

 

Don't go back there HH, not in an A. If its meant to be then HE will choose but not if he still has you like before.

 

Thanks H4U. As ever. I don't want to be back in the affair because in the last few months it hurt, on a daily basis. I feel like you - I love him and that's why I'm back listening to him again. And yes, if he chose, I won't lie, I would want him, even though I know those relationships don't always work.

 

It's so hard to say don't contact me until you are single. I honestly don't know how you manage LC, I think that would screw me up even more because I'd overanalyse every word, wanting to find hidden clues that it was ending with his wife.

 

But you're right - at this point in time he's chosen his wife, because that'e where he is, and that's just the way it is.

 

I just wish I could walk away.

[hopeless4u]

Thanks H4U. As ever. I don't want to be back in the affair because in the last few months it hurt, on a daily basis. I feel like you - I love him and that's why I'm back listening to him again. And yes, if he chose, I won't lie, I would want him, even though I know those relationships don't always work.

 

It's so hard to say don't contact me until you are single. I honestly don't know how you manage LC, I think that would screw me up even more because I'd overanalyse every word, wanting to find hidden clues that it was ending with his wife.

 

But you're right - at this point in time he's chosen his wife, because that'e where he is, and that's just the way it is.

 

I just wish I could walk away.

 

 

I think because I know he isn't trying to get the A going again LC is ok and it makes it easier when we are at work. He still brings me coffee just like he always has and he fixed my car stereo yesterday at work. We both agree that work is a safe place.

 

He was ringing me every day but that has stopped now, I think he needed it more than me TBH.

 

I have told him that he can't lean on me anymore and he agrees. Next week will be a challenge as he is busy with work but not in my office so he won't get to see me every day. Part of me hopes he won't cope but I keep putting those thoughts in the place where my feelings for him are, locked away somewhere deep.

 

We'll get there HH, together:) xx

[Hazyhead]

I think because I know he isn't trying to get the A going again LC is ok and it makes it easier when we are at work. He still brings me coffee just like he always has and he fixed my car stereo yesterday at work. We both agree that work is a safe place.

 

He was ringing me every day but that has stopped now, I think he needed it more than me TBH.

 

I have told him that he can't lean on me anymore and he agrees. Next week will be a challenge as he is busy with work but not in my office so he won't get to see me every day. Part of me hopes he won't cope but I keep putting those thoughts in the place where my feelings for him are, locked away somewhere deep.

 

We'll get there HH, together:) xx

 

I understand your hope that he wont cope. That's how I feel and it's completely selfish, I know, but natural I think given all the promises, etc. I want him to be in pain without me and when he tells me he is, although I feel sad for him and it hurts to look at him in pain, the other part of me is thinking 'Good'.

 

It must be hard for you to see him every day. It's the seeing him that knocked me down. I like to think I'm strong and I can do this but I don't know how true that is, you know? I feel like a faker.

 

You and I should PM (have my privileges now), maybe, sometime when we both need to scream or cry or whatever xx

[hopeless4u]

I understand your hope that he wont cope. That's how I feel and it's completely selfish, I know, but natural I think given all the promises, etc. I want him to be in pain without me and when he tells me he is, although I feel sad for him and it hurts to look at him in pain, the other part of me is thinking 'Good'.

 

It must be hard for you to see him every day. It's the seeing him that knocked me down. I like to think I'm strong and I can do this but I don't know how true that is, you know? I feel like a faker.

 

You and I should PM (have my privileges now), maybe, sometime when we both need to scream or cry or whatever xx

 

Yeah I'm the same, I'm glad he is still torn and things he says sometimes make me feel better because I know his feelings for me were real. Yes selfish but thats just how it is.

 

He has told me about how things are at home and again I'm glad he is struggling. I'll PM you about those and we can compare;) xx

[temple]

You know what you need to do? Next time he contacts you tell him that you will not speak to him again until he makes a decision. Tell him that you deserve more than a pathetic little man who still doesn't know what he wants in life. Tell him you'll give him the time and space he needs for this, but that you're not going to wait for him. Don't always be on the backburner with him - the sooner you break away from this the sooner you can start thinking for yourself again.

[Hazyhead]

You know what you need to do? Next time he contacts you tell him that you will not speak to him again until he makes a decision. Tell him that you deserve more than a pathetic little man who still doesn't know what he wants in life. Tell him you'll give him the time and space he needs for this, but that you're not going to wait for him. Don't always be on the backburner with him - the sooner you break away from this the sooner you can start thinking for yourself again.

 

That's what I want to say - what I did say in fact a few weeks ago (now completely undermined myself). I do. But I'm so afraid I'll never see him again - at the same time I want to know if that's true so that I can just move on.

 

Thanks Temple. I don't want to be on the backburner for him.

[jj33]

Hazy - every time you let him back in, you allow him not to choose. You are enabling his ability to stay in his marriage and have both you and his wife.

 

I know how difficult it is to say no when you think that he is coming back because he is closer to making a decision, but that is an illlusion. He is coming back because he hopes you will take him back and he wont HAVE to make the tough decision.

 

You have to decide - are you done with the A? Are you at a point where sharing him and feeling second is worse than being without him? Only you can answer that.

 

yes its difficult yes there are withdrawals, yes its painful.

 

But if you keep allowing him to have a relatoinship with you while he is married there is less motivation for him to make a choice. The other thing is if he does eventually leave you could be so demoralized and so resentful for all the pain he has put you through, that the relationship will be weakened.

 

Much as you love him, all this takes a toll on your relationship.

 

So unless you are happy being the OW (and it doesnt sound like you are) then the ONLY answer is to cut him loose. If he comes back a free man ready to move forward, great you can see how the relationship fares then. If he doesnt, then you have started the healing process.

 

I know its easier said than done, but there is no other choice.

[Hazyhead]

Hazy - every time you let him back in, you allow him not to choose. You are enabling his ability to stay in his marriage and have both you and his wife.

 

I know how difficult it is to say no when you think that he is coming back because he is closer to making a decision, but that is an illlusion. He is coming back because he hopes you will take him back and he wont HAVE to make the tough decision.

 

You have to decide - are you done with the A? Are you at a point where sharing him and feeling second is worse than being without him? Only you can answer that.

 

yes its difficult yes there are withdrawals, yes its painful.

 

But if you keep allowing him to have a relatoinship with you while he is married there is less motivation for him to make a choice. The other thing is if he does eventually leave you could be so demoralized and so resentful for all the pain he has put you through, that the relationship will be weakened.

 

Much as you love him, all this takes a toll on your relationship.

 

So unless you are happy being the OW (and it doesnt sound like you are) then the ONLY answer is to cut him loose. If he comes back a free man ready to move forward, great you can see how the relationship fares then. If he doesnt, then you have started the healing process.

 

I know its easier said than done, but there is no other choice.

 

Yes, to those questions above. I don't want to be his OW and there is more pain than happiness. A couple of weeks ago, when I was trying to move on, I missed him like crazy and thought about him literally all the time, but I was my own person. I wasn't waiting around for his calls or texts or whatever. So yes, I think I was happier, in a miserable but a little more optimistic way.

 

Thank you JJ - what you say makes sense. I just have to do it, right...

[skywriter]

Hazyhead, a couple of weeks ago you were trying to move on and you missed him like crazy.

 

This too is all about the process of going through and getting to the other side. Even if we backslide, we have to pick ourselves up, dust off and give it another go at getting to a better place.

[temple]

That's what I want to say - what I did say in fact a few weeks ago (now completely undermined myself). I do. But I'm so afraid I'll never see him again - at the same time I want to know if that's true so that I can just move on.

 

Thanks Temple. I don't want to be on the backburner for him.

 

Don't be afraid, just jump! You deserve so much more. What he is doing right now is disgusting, what kind of man goes back to his marriage and continues to contact you?

 

I was only with mine because he promised he just needed to wait for a little time because an important thing at work was coming up for his W and he didn't want to be involved in messing that up for her. Once that time came he got all 'confused'...he said he needed therapy... I told him to take a hike. He kept coming back. Oh, yours WILL keep coming back, if he's anything like mine.

 

Whenever I start to lose strength, I always think to myself how great it will be to fall in love again...to have a first kiss again. With someone who treats you well and with someone you will love equally. It's pretty exciting really, isn't it

[Hazyhead]

Whenever I start to lose strength, I always think to myself how great it will be to fall in love again...to have a first kiss again. With someone who treats you well and with someone you will love equally. It's pretty exciting really, isn't it

 

A lovely thought, you're right. Love without all the pain, I like the thought of that. My xMM/MM has reasons for not leaving right now too, don't they all? I just feel like there will always be a reason. Just jump is great advice, it could apply to them too, but I need it for myself, I know. I need to do it again and stick to it. Thanks Temple.

[Austen]

Does his wife know about the affair? Tell him that if he wants to be with you then either he tells her, or you do. If he doesn't like that idea, then tell him to get lost. That man needs to either make a decision or move on so you can get on with your life and be with someone who really deserves you!

[Hazyhead]

Does his wife know about the affair? Tell him that if he wants to be with you then either he tells her, or you do. If he doesn't like that idea, then tell him to get lost. That man needs to either make a decision or move on so you can get on with your life and be with someone who really deserves you!

 

She doesn't know, but I never could tell. I couldn't set out purely to hurt her like that (even though I know I did by having an affair with her H). Iff I said that I think he would be a little afraid, but I also think he'd know I wouldn't really do it. You are right about him needing to make a decision. Thanks Austin.

[Hazyhead]

Hazyhead, a couple of weeks ago you were trying to move on and you missed him like crazy.

 

This too is all about the process of going through and getting to the other side. Even if we backslide, we have to pick ourselves up, dust off and give it another go at getting to a better place.

 

This makes me feel a bit better, as if I've not completely failed. Maybe there is hope for me.

[hopeless4u]

You know what you need to do? Next time he contacts you tell him that you will not speak to him again until he makes a decision. Tell him that you deserve more than a pathetic little man who still doesn't know what he wants in life. Tell him you'll give him the time and space he needs for this, but that you're not going to wait for him. Don't always be on the backburner with him - the sooner you break away from this the sooner you can start thinking for yourself again.

 

 

This is pretty much where I am with my xMM, although still LC as we work together.

 

He knows I won't wait for him, if he ever makes a decision and I have moved on then so be it.

 

I do still love him deeply but have started going out again and everytime I have gone out I've been hit on;) and that certainly gives me a boost!!

 

I'm out again tonight and can't wait TBH, I'm feeling more like me again.

 

I think what has helped me is when I start to feel down again I just tell myself, HE did this, HE gave me no choice but to move on and I will. If HE finally makes a decision and wants me back but is to late then that will be ME giving HIM no choice.

[temple]

I think what has helped me is when I start to feel down again I just tell myself, HE did this, HE gave me no choice but to move on and I will. If HE finally makes a decision and wants me back but is to late then that will be ME giving HIM no choice.

 

All the power to you. I hope you find an incredible guy and when MM wants you back, you can give him a big fat NO!

[Hazyhead]

This is pretty much where I am with my xMM, although still LC as we work together.

 

He knows I won't wait for him, if he ever makes a decision and I have moved on then so be it.

 

I do still love him deeply but have started going out again and everytime I have gone out I've been hit on;) and that certainly gives me a boost!!

 

I'm out again tonight and can't wait TBH, I'm feeling more like me again.

 

I think what has helped me is when I start to feel down again I just tell myself, HE did this, HE gave me no choice but to move on and I will. If HE finally makes a decision and wants me back but is to late then that will be ME giving HIM no choice.

 

That's a good attitude to have That's what I need to do.

[jennie-jennie]

I wonder if these men who are not able to make a choice, in a way are relieved when the OW goes NC and ends the relationship, because in this way the burden of having to make a decision is taken away from them. The decision is made for them.

 

My MM says it is like he is holding these two women hanging from a cliff so they will not fall. He can only save one of them. The one he lets go off will be hurt. It is a terrible decision to have to make. But if one of them gets out of there on her own, then the burden has been taken away from him. HE did not have to make a decision and end it with either one of them. The decision was made for him.

 

So are we then not letting these men off the hook by doing their job?

[jennie-jennie]

I am not saying that we should not go NC when the cons outweigh the pros. That we should do. But ending the relationship should be just that - ending the relationship. Not in any way thinking that it will lead to the MM becoming able to make a decision. I think it is rather the opposite. He now no longer feels the need to make a choice.

[Hazyhead]

"I wonder if these men who are not able to make a choice, in a way are relieved when the OW goes NC and ends the relationship, because in this way the burden of having to make a decision is taken away from them. The decision is made for them.

 

My MM says it is like he is holding these two women hanging from a cliff so they will not fall. He can only save one of them. The one he lets go off will be hurt. It is a terrible decision to have to make. But if one of them gets out of there on her own, then the burden has been taken away from him. HE did not have to make a decision and end it with either one of them. The decision was made for him.

 

So are we then not letting these men off the hook by doing their job? "

 

^ In my experience that hasn't been the case. I've been showing him that I have got out and am in a much happier state - it seems it is precisely this that makes him want to drag me back to the cliff-face again.

 

Some of these guys, but not all, want to feel as though they're needed.

 

I agree with this - when I did the NC willingly, telling him that he did need to try and make his M work, he came back. But, I think there's some truth in the idea that they don't want to be the one to blame, whichever way it goes a decision would do this. I think this is another thing thing flip-flop at: wanting to not hurt and not wanting to let go. The two clash and some men can have both ideals within them.

 

But, I don't feel bad that it would be me doing his job for him, if that were the case, because ulitimately, if I can do it, I will be better off.

[jennie-jennie]

^ In my experience that hasn't been the case. I've been showing him that I have got out and am in a much happier state - it seems it is precisely this that makes him want to drag me back to the cliff-face again.

 

Some of these guys, but not all, want to feel as though they're needed.

 

I didn't say that the MM would not be coming back trying to take up the affair again, but what I said was that NC won't make him make a choice. So if you insist on NC and don't resume the affair, then an ending, not a divorce, is likely what you get.

[hopeless4u]

All the power to you. I hope you find an incredible guy and when MM wants you back, you can give him a big fat NO!

 

 

I'm telling myself that day will never come, I have to or else I'm in danger of having hope and hope is BAD!!

 

I'm taking things day by day but I will say to all the OW out there, as hard as it is to go out and party, its the getting ready thats hard, once you're out and have a couple drinks you WILL be glad you did it.

[hopeless4u]

^ In my experience that hasn't been the case. I've been showing him that I have got out and am in a much happier state - it seems it is precisely this that makes him want to drag me back to the cliff-face again.

 

Some of these guys, but not all, want to feel as though they're needed.

 

This is my xMM, big time.