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New here and probably in over my head..


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Hi ;)

 

I have been in a relationship with a MM for a year now. I don't talk about my relationship to anybody but my mother who has been amazingly supportive and understanding about my relationship with him. She actually met her first husband when he was married and after two years of "dating" they ended up marrying and having a very happy marriage until he passed away 15 years later. She is very optimistic about me and my MM (probably because of her own positive experience).

 

I am really happy I found this community because I would like to share my story with people who understand and can offer a different insight as well as sympathize. So here is a relatively quick version of my story so you guys can get to know me :).

 

I met my MM on a dating website. He lives on the west coast, and I live on the east coast. Yes, we are in a geographically inconvenient relationship. When I first met him he was also seeing other women, but two months ago we both decided to be exclusive to each other. He is married, but him and his wife have a "don't ask don't tell" agreement and as far as I know they sleep in separate sides of the house. They have a son together and he is supporting them financially. He does not want to get a divorce because he feels it will have a negative impact on his son (who is only eight years old) and I respect that.

 

I have seen him once a month for the past year. In the beginning he would fly me out for only the weekend. The last time, however, I spent 7 days here on the west coast and right now I am here for 10 days. When I am here during the week I see him only once or twice a day and he does not usually stay overnight with me. On the weekend he stays at my hotel with me and we get to spend quite a bit of time together.

 

I always stay in nice hotels and we always go to fantastic restaurants. We are often in public together and he is very affectionate (lots of PDA). I have met his siblings and even his son (I was introduced to his son as a friend of someone else of course, not his father's mistress :-P) and in general feel like I am a large part of his life.

 

I am very much in love with him, and when we are together it is ecstasy and it feels like pure heaven. When we are not together I am a complete mess. My life has become such a waiting game. Waiting to get to see him or waiting to hear from him... and my moods are more inconsistent and up and down than a PMS'ing teenager. Some days I want to throw in the towel. Some days I have hope that we will be together in the future as a real couple. But most of the time I feel very pessimistic and depressed because I know he is not going to get a divorce/or marry me and I know I am not going to wait for him forever.

 

He has never promised that he is going to get a divorce. Quite the opposite actually. He has never said we are going to be together and generally lives day by day and does not like to plan ahead. He tells me how unfair this relationship is to me and that he knows I deserve someone who can actually be there for me. He tells me that he loves me and that I give him new hope on life. He says he wants me and needs me, and that I make him truly happy. When he opens up and says these things to me I completely melt. I have never been in love this way before - which only makes it harder.

 

Unfortunately he does not open up with me often. And I lose faith in our relationship quickly. Especially when I am 3000 miles away.

 

I am doing my best to cope with my fluctuating mood and my doubt. The last thing I want to do is wait around for a man who may never be with me - but I don't feel as if I have much of a choice. Though I am not technically trapped in this relationship, I am too in love with him to leave. At his point I don't feel in control of my own emotions (unusual for me) and I do feel a little in over my head.

 

I could continue writing but I don't want anyone falling asleep reading this! I am happy that I am a member here, and I hope I can not only receive good advice but also give it. :)

 

Zarah

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BlueeyedJonesy
She actually met her first husband when he was married and after two years of "dating" they ended up marrying and having a very happy marriage until he passed away 15 years later. She is very optimistic about me and my MM (probably because of her own positive experience).

This is where it all begins..please don't get your hopes up thinking that because your mom ended up happy with her MM you will too. You are setting yourself up for failure with that one. but on the other hand its nice that your mom is there for you, when going through things like this you usually can't talk to your parents and thats sucky!

 

 

I met my MM on a dating website.
When I first met him he was also seeing other women, but two months ago we both decided to be exclusive to each other

Two big freaking RED FLAGS!

 

He is married, but him and his wife have a "don't ask don't tell" agreement and as far as I know they sleep in separate sides of the house

This one came right out of the "what to say to your mistress to make her happy" handbook. Did you hear this from his W' mouth? I doubt it.

 

He does not want to get a divorce because he feels it will have a negative impact on his son (who is only eight years old) and I respect that.

aahhh yes, his son will grow up thinking..if your unhappy just stay put and sneak around on the people you made promises to with other women. TRUST ME it will all come out one day in the wash. (been there as a child)

 

and even his son (I was introduced to his son as a friend of someone else of course, not his father's mistress :-P) and in general feel like I am a large part of his life.

Totally looking out for his son's best interest. REALLY?

 

 

He says he wants me and needs me, and that I make him truly happy.

Of course he wants and needs you, he gets to have his cake and eat it too..and you are so far away he knows that he is under no obligation to commit to you.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just feel bad that you are getting all "twitterpated" for this man who is living a lie. If you are okay living this life then fine..but it sounds like you are having a hard time with it emotionally.

I hope you find clarity & peace..you deserve a man all to yourself one who doesn't wine you and dine you for sex.

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Hi Zarah, there are many women on this site caught up in the same madness as you are.

It's hurtful and painful and hard to know if these men are telling the truth.

 

Listen, as of now, you're in love. Unless you have all the strength in the world, then you should walk way.

If not, then you need to play this out until you're ready to leave.

 

It's SO SO SO rare when a man leaves his marriage for someone else and even if they do, that relationship is based on lies.

 

You seem like a nice person and you just got caught in the cheaters web.

 

Talk it out and keep posting

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Hi ;)

 

 

I am doing my best to cope with my fluctuating mood and my doubt. The last thing I want to do is wait around for a man who may never be with me - but I don't feel as if I have much of a choice. Though I am not technically trapped in this relationship, I am too in love with him to leave. At his point I don't feel in control of my own emotions (unusual for me) and I do feel a little in over my head.

 

I could continue writing but I don't want anyone falling asleep reading this! I am happy that I am a member here, and I hope I can not only receive good advice but also give it. :)

 

Zarah

 

Wow Zarah this has got to be very difficult for you and sure not trapped by lock and key, but emotionally and that is hard.

 

Do you feel he is really in love with you?

 

I have to wonder about the online dating, was he looking for someone that would not expect commitment?

 

Hey I am happy you joined and we all need good advice as life can be interesting at times! Glad you are here!

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This is where it all begins..please don't get your hopes up thinking that because your mom ended up happy with her MM you will too. You are setting yourself up for failure with that one. but on the other hand its nice that your mom is there for you, when going through things like this you usually can't talk to your parents and thats sucky!

 

 

 

Two big freaking RED FLAGS!

 

 

This one came right out of the "what to say to your mistress to make her happy" handbook. Did you hear this from his W' mouth? I doubt it.

 

 

aahhh yes, his son will grow up thinking..if your unhappy just stay put and sneak around on the people you made promises to with other women. TRUST ME it will all come out one day in the wash. (been there as a child)

 

 

Totally looking out for his son's best interest. REALLY?

 

 

 

Of course he wants and needs you, he gets to have his cake and eat it too..and you are so far away he knows that he is under no obligation to commit to you.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I just feel bad that you are getting all "twitterpated" for this man who is living a lie. If you are okay living this life then fine..but it sounds like you are having a hard time with it emotionally.

I hope you find clarity & peace..you deserve a man all to yourself one who doesn't wine you and dine you for sex.

 

Thank you for your honesty! I have thought, no, agonized about all of these points in the past. Yes I am having a hard time with it emotionally and I am trying not to have high expectations but I can't help but wish I could have a future with him. There is much more to our relationship than sex, I have to add that. The amount of time he spends talking to me when I am far, far away (when there is no possibility of sex) means a lot to me. He has never missed a day. I know he probably does want the best of both worlds - who wouldn't? Only time will tell what will happen. He's very charming, handsome, intelligent, and successful and unfortunately that's a deadly combination. When and if it becomes too unbearable I will leave him... but I am not ready to. Thank you for replying to me :)

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Wow Zarah this has got to be very difficult for you and sure not trapped by lock and key, but emotionally and that is hard.

 

Do you feel he is really in love with you?

 

I have to wonder about the online dating, was he looking for someone that would not expect commitment?

 

Hey I am happy you joined and we all need good advice as life can be interesting at times! Glad you are here!

 

I do believe he loves me, and I don't think he expected to fall in love with anyone. He was looking for a completely casual thing. I talk to one of his brothers who is a brutally honest business man, and he has said that he can't believe how attached my MM is to me. I know he is sincere when he tells me he loves me, but as we all learn at one point or another, love is not always enough. Right now I don't mind seeing where this goes - but I am not a patient person and I will not wait forever. Thank you for being so welcoming.

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Welcome. Please be aware that there are many BS who post here as well as OW/OM, so please be prepared for some level of uhmmm not nicey nicey.

 

That said, we all really do hope the best for you. It's nice that you have your mom to confide in, but as you know, most of us look through life through the glasses of our own experiences. What happened with her doesn't speak to what will happen with you.

 

In the meantime, think about what it is that you really know about him ( as seen by your own eyes ), and what you think you know (he told you).

 

Best of luck

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Welcome. It would be so easy to say to you to get out and run while you can, but like many of us, once you've fallen in love with the guy, it's very hard to do. From my experience, I can tell you that the highs are great but there are many more lows than highs sometimes, so be prepared for the roller coaster ride.

 

Keep posting if you need and you will find many supporters here and some great advice!!

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Hi ;)

 

I have been in a relationship with a MM for a year now. I don't talk about my relationship to anybody but my mother who has been amazingly supportive and understanding about my relationship with him. She actually met her first husband when he was married and after two years of "dating" they ended up marrying and having a very happy marriage until he passed away 15 years later. She is very optimistic about me and my MM (probably because of her own positive experience).

 

I am really happy I found this community because I would like to share my story with people who understand and can offer a different insight as well as sympathize. So here is a relatively quick version of my story so you guys can get to know me :).

 

I met my MM on a dating website. He lives on the west coast, and I live on the east coast. Yes, we are in a geographically inconvenient relationship. When I first met him he was also seeing other women, but two months ago we both decided to be exclusive to each other. He is married, but him and his wife have a "don't ask don't tell" agreement and as far as I know they sleep in separate sides of the house. They have a son together and he is supporting them financially. He does not want to get a divorce because he feels it will have a negative impact on his son (who is only eight years old) and I respect that.

 

I have seen him once a month for the past year. In the beginning he would fly me out for only the weekend. The last time, however, I spent 7 days here on the west coast and right now I am here for 10 days. When I am here during the week I see him only once or twice a day and he does not usually stay overnight with me. On the weekend he stays at my hotel with me and we get to spend quite a bit of time together.

 

I always stay in nice hotels and we always go to fantastic restaurants. We are often in public together and he is very affectionate (lots of PDA). I have met his siblings and even his son (I was introduced to his son as a friend of someone else of course, not his father's mistress :-P) and in general feel like I am a large part of his life.

 

I am very much in love with him, and when we are together it is ecstasy and it feels like pure heaven. When we are not together I am a complete mess. My life has become such a waiting game. Waiting to get to see him or waiting to hear from him... and my moods are more inconsistent and up and down than a PMS'ing teenager. Some days I want to throw in the towel. Some days I have hope that we will be together in the future as a real couple. But most of the time I feel very pessimistic and depressed because I know he is not going to get a divorce/or marry me and I know I am not going to wait for him forever.

 

He has never promised that he is going to get a divorce. Quite the opposite actually. He has never said we are going to be together and generally lives day by day and does not like to plan ahead. He tells me how unfair this relationship is to me and that he knows I deserve someone who can actually be there for me. He tells me that he loves me and that I give him new hope on life. He says he wants me and needs me, and that I make him truly happy. When he opens up and says these things to me I completely melt. I have never been in love this way before - which only makes it harder.

 

Unfortunately he does not open up with me often. And I lose faith in our relationship quickly. Especially when I am 3000 miles away.

 

I am doing my best to cope with my fluctuating mood and my doubt. The last thing I want to do is wait around for a man who may never be with me - but I don't feel as if I have much of a choice. Though I am not technically trapped in this relationship, I am too in love with him to leave. At his point I don't feel in control of my own emotions (unusual for me) and I do feel a little in over my head.

 

I could continue writing but I don't want anyone falling asleep reading this! I am happy that I am a member here, and I hope I can not only receive good advice but also give it. :)

 

Zarah

 

So he tells you he isn't going to divorce, yet for some reason, you either aren't hearing that or not understanding it because you talk about waiting for him.... what are you waiting for him to do? He told you he isn't leaving.

 

And how crude of him to introduce you to his son. Sorry, but that is pretty low.

 

Accept that you will only be his mistress. That's it. Don't think you are waiting for him; because you aren't - he has told you he isn't leaving.

 

So embrace being the other woman, embrace being his once a month lay, embrace the limited amount of him you will only be to him.

 

I sure wouldn't wait around for nothing; I would date others. Because by limiting yourself to just him, you will never marry, never have kids and be sitting by a phone or waiting for a plane ticket.

 

But that is what you want because you love him. Just stop waiting ... because there is nothing to be waiting for.

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Welcome Miss Zarah...

 

I am sorry that you are hurting. You will find that most of us that post here are all hurting in some way (of course there are some for whom the sun always shines, the birds always sing, and the rain that falls is nothing but diamonds :bunny:) but most of us understand your pain. And you will find a lot of good honest people here who want to help you, even if what they have to say is not always what you WANT to hear. (Please ignore anyone who seems to be trying to purposely hurt you, you will find they are very much in the minority here)

 

My question is this... When you met him on the 'dating site', what kind of site was it? Was it a site where it was supposed to be just singles looking for singles? Or was he honest in his search and admitted upfront that he was married?

 

The reason I ask is this.. in my opinion, I would think a man who was open and honest while looking for someone about the fact that he is married, would not be likely to be looking to get out of his marriage anytime soon, since it would appear in that case that his wife probably knows all about his affairs (at least that he has them, if not the details) and so he has no reason to leave at all, given that he has 'permission' per se to have any affair he would like.... do you see what I mean?

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This really is about you. How long will continue to be happy being his OW? You've fallen inlove with him - He's married, has no intention of divorcing.. Is this enough for you? Sooner or later you will want more, you will become more attached to him, deeper inlove.

 

I also wouldn't get your hopes up, even if your neighbour's affair turned into marriage, your situations are completely different.

 

If you can accept your role as his OW, then all is fine. Problem is, you 'wait' and 'live' for him, all the while he still stays married .. Do you want kids? Something you won't have with him..

 

Good luck and I hope (sorry!) you get the strength to end it because this affair is going to ruin you eventually.

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Hi ;)

 

Hi.

 

I have been in a relationship with a MM for a year now. I don't talk about my relationship to anybody but my mother who has been amazingly supportive and understanding about my relationship with him. She actually met her first husband when he was married and after two years of "dating" they ended up marrying and having a very happy marriage until he passed away 15 years later. She is very optimistic about me and my MM (probably because of her own positive experience).
Optimistic for what?

He clearly tells you (later) he isn't leaving...

 

I am really happy I found this community because I would like to share my story with people who understand and can offer a different insight as well as sympathize.
QFT

 

I met my MM on a dating website.
You know...a lot of poster have a problem with this. I don't.

UNLESS...its one of those "Affair match maker" websites. I WOULD have a problem with that.

He lives on the west coast, and I live on the east coast. Yes, we are in a geographically inconvenient relationship.

OK...I had to suppress a laugh here but geography is the LEAST of your issues with him. Married to another would prolly top the list of issues.

When I first met him he was also seeing other women, but two months ago we both decided to be exclusive to each other.

In and of itself I have no issues with dating around until you find that "mostly perfect" match. Except...he's MARRIED.

 

He is married, but him and his wife have a "don't ask don't tell" agreement and as far as I know they sleep in separate sides of the house.
Its "don't ask don't tell" - see, so I can cheat JUST DON'T TELL MY WIFE.

That's effin' hilarious. :lmao:

 

He loves his W and she has NO effin' clue. He'd positively FLIP if she got wind of this BECAUSE the arrangement is a LIE.

 

Its not a bad attempt at reverse psychology though. He gets a few points for creativity.

 

They have a son together and he is supporting them financially. He does not want to get a divorce because he feels it will have a negative impact on his son (who is only eight years old) and I respect that.
He's tossing out all the cliche's and you just keep gobbling them up.

This Implies that he and his W must then ACT like the Cleavers. To give their son that perfect life. Means vacations "for the son", pizza dinners and movies as a family. All an act of course...its for the son.:rolleyes:

 

Its bullshyte. Plain and simple. The son is enjoying that aspect because your MM is lying and gaslighting everyone. His W, I bet, is clueless (and don't ask don't tell remember) so you CAN'T verify it.

I have seen him once a month for the past year. In the beginning he would fly me out for only the weekend.

Typical A behavior. Steal some time but not too much in case the W notices. Gotta have your excuses ready ya know.

The last time, however, I spent 7 days here on the west coast and right now I am here for 10 days. When I am here during the week I see him only once or twice a day and he does not usually stay overnight with me.

That's because his W expects him home.

 

On the weekend he stays at my hotel with me and we get to spend quite a bit of time together.
Out of town on business I'm sure. At least that's what he told the wife.

"Don't ask don't tell". This is beginning to sound more brilliant by him every minute. I mean, he has fed you the perfect excuse. And you're just buying it all up.

 

I always stay in nice hotels and we always go to fantastic restaurants.

Its the LEAST he could...hard to have a mistress and treat her like a cheap hooker. I am NOT comparing you ...simply saying putting you up in a cheap motel, having sex and going to Sonic wouldn't entice you to stay.

 

We are often in public together and he is very affectionate (lots of PDA). I have met his siblings and even his son (I was introduced to his son as a friend of someone else of course, not his father's mistress :-P) and in general feel like I am a large part of his life.
And you were introduced as his gf or his friend to his siblings?

I am very much in love with him, and when we are together it is ecstasy and it feels like pure heaven. When we are not together I am a complete mess.

Thats what you get in an A...WILD mood swings because of the nature of the R. I'm NOT sure ANYTHING will make that go away.

 

My life has become such a waiting game. Waiting to get to see him or waiting to hear from him... and my moods are more inconsistent and up and down than a PMS'ing teenager. Some days I want to throw in the towel. Some days I have hope that we will be together in the future as a real couple. But most of the time I feel very pessimistic and depressed because I know he is not going to get a divorce/or marry me and I know I am not going to wait for him forever.
Uh. Why are you waiting around again? He ALREADY told you this is sex and fun...nothing more. Oh, he didn't say say overtly...he simply said D was out of the question (and don't tell his W).

 

You are waiting for NOTHING.

 

He has you completely snowed.

 

He has never promised that he is going to get a divorce. Quite the opposite actually. He has never said we are going to be together and generally lives day by day and does not like to plan ahead. He tells me how unfair this relationship is to me and that he knows I deserve someone who can actually be there for me. He tells me that he loves me and that I give him new hope on life. He says he wants me and needs me, and that I make him truly happy. When he opens up and says these things to me I completely melt. I have never been in love this way before - which only makes it harder.
All MM say this. Seriously...ask some of the OW if THEY heard this. I'll tell you the answer now...its yes.

 

No man ever tells the WOMAN HE LOVES that she deserves another better than him. That's code for "I'm not that into you but I like having sex and even how you make me feel...but you aren't W material".

 

No healthy people in an healthy, good, loving trusting R say this.

 

Unfortunately he does not open up with me often. And I lose faith in our relationship quickly. Especially when I am 3000 miles away.
Its NOT a R. Its an A.

Hell, even when you are there for ten days he choose to only see you on the weekend. Likely because his W would get suspicious. Let me ask, the once or twice a day he saw you (during the week)..was it for intercourse?

 

I am doing my best to cope with my fluctuating mood and my doubt. The last thing I want to do is wait around for a man who may never be with me - but I don't feel as if I have much of a choice. Though I am not technically trapped in this relationship, I am too in love with him to leave. At his point I don't feel in control of my own emotions (unusual for me) and I do feel a little in over my head.
He's an experienced lying SoB who reeled you in.

He EVEN told you this.

HE also tells you, quite clearly, he WON'T D and that should tell you how he sees YOU.

 

I could continue writing but I don't want anyone falling asleep reading this! I am happy that I am a member here, and I hope I can not only receive good advice but also give it. :)

 

Zarah

This is MY advice to you. Walk.

Believe it or not, I AM on your side...you won't because I'm saying things you won't like.

NOTHING good comes of this.

 

Walk...you are waiting for a ship that isn't coming.

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