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I was in a relationship with a MM for several years. I loved him. Still do, very much. We were found out a few months ago. My husband left me because of it, the MM left me to work on his marriage. My world crashed down around me.

 

Heres the kicker. My second baby was born during the A. The baby belongs to my MM. He knew it was a possibility but does not know that a paternity test was done. After the affair ended he disclosed to his wife that it was a possibility, then it was disclosed to my H who demanded the test.

 

I always wanted to tell my H but the MM asked me not to so that our affair wouldnt be found out by his wife. I was stupid, in love and went with it. I'm not sure why he told her after the fact but by then the damage was done and it was too late.

 

He cares for my child. I know he does, but when asked if he wanted to know he told me that he and his wife decided it would be best for everyone involved not to find out the truth. He also told me that his wife may force him to have visitation if the child was his.

 

I absolutely do not want to have my baby spend time with him and his wife. I also do not want any financial support from him. So, considering their initial response that they didnt want to know, Ive chosen to tell him that I dont know the true paternity results.

 

Please dont flame me. I realize I have destroyed my baby's life with my foolish foolish mistake. I am absolutely heartbroken over the man i thought i loved for so long. And each day I spend looking at my baby with guilt over what I've done.

 

So what should I do here? In my opinion if he doesnt want to know, and I would prefer him not to be involved, am I wrong for not telling him that I know the results?

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I'm abit confused..your H knows that the baby isn't his? Or just the MM knows the 'real' truth?

 

This situation is a mess, but what's done is done. Both you and the MM need to come clean and go from there. No more lies, no more hiding stuff.. As hard as it may be on you, and your baby, the truth is the beginning of your new life.

 

I hope you seek some counselling to help you cope with this stuff. It's alot to deal with.

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my H knows that the baby belongs to MM. the MM knows a test was done, thinks the baby is probably his but does not know the actual results.

 

I have been in counseling. Mostly to deal with how I've destroyed my life and the pain I'm feeling after hurting my H so badly and also being thrown under the bus by MM.

Edited by overmyhead
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Let's put it this way..If your H wants to tell the MM's wife the truth, let him. Your MM threw you under the bus and doesn't want to face HIS consquences of having an affair.

 

In the meantime, take care of you, and maybe with more counselling, your H will decide to give you a chance to work things out.

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mybrowneyedgirl

Sounds like your exMM is just a self-absorbed a**. He and his wife dont want to know because they do not want to disrupt their marriage. Tell me, why are you taking all of the responsibility on yourself? You lost your H over this, but he's keeping his wife and not paying a dime. And dont you want whats best for your baby? Surely this child could benefit from some financial support.

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My H actually is involved in the baby's life. Not to the extent of our first child, but he tries. I am thankful. I love my H and realize my mistakes, but I cannot expect him to forgive something so terrible.

 

mybrowneyedgirl - you are right. i really dont have a lot in the way of finances. i am barely getting by. the baby's father has a good bit of money.

 

my problem is that he sent me an email saying that he and his wife didnt want to know the truth. and like i said before he told me that she may force him to have visitations. i cannot bear the thought of my child going and spending weekends with his wife being the caretaker of my child. i would rather do it alone.

 

part of me thinks that my MM really loves this baby and wants to be a part of things, but he cant because he is trying to save his life with his wife. he asks about my baby and i think he really is in love. i almost feel bad for him.

 

i also cannot help but think that if he really wanted to fix his marriage that he couldnt just ignore this. could they really sweep this under the rug forever and not think about it? and how could she rebuild a marriage with him knowing that there is an innocent baby out there that might belong to him?

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I was in a relationship with a MM for several years. I loved him. Still do, very much. We were found out a few months ago. My husband left me because of it, the MM left me to work on his marriage. My world crashed down around me.

 

Heres the kicker. My second baby was born during the A. The baby belongs to my MM. He knew it was a possibility but does not know that a paternity test was done. After the affair ended he disclosed to his wife that it was a possibility, then it was disclosed to my H who demanded the test.

 

I always wanted to tell my H but the MM asked me not to so that our affair wouldnt be found out by his wife. I was stupid, in love and went with it. I'm not sure why he told her after the fact but by then the damage was done and it was too late.

 

He cares for my child. I know he does, but when asked if he wanted to know he told me that he and his wife decided it would be best for everyone involved not to find out the truth. He also told me that his wife may force him to have visitation if the child was his.

 

I absolutely do not want to have my baby spend time with him and his wife. I also do not want any financial support from him. So, considering their initial response that they didnt want to know, Ive chosen to tell him that I dont know the true paternity results.

 

Please dont flame me. I realize I have destroyed my baby's life with my foolish foolish mistake. I am absolutely heartbroken over the man i thought i loved for so long. And each day I spend looking at my baby with guilt over what I've done.

 

So what should I do here? In my opinion if he doesnt want to know, and I would prefer him not to be involved, am I wrong for not telling him that I know the results?

 

Wow, what a decsion....the biggest things that pop out for me is: I was adopted shortly after birth and I have always wondered about my paternal parents and wonder if this affected me psychologically and if so, how? The second is that you stated that "each day I spend looking at my baby with guilt over what I've done"....this concerns me because it could lead to you abusing yourself. You will be with your baby the rest of your days on this earth and I would suggest dealing with that issue first....the unresolved guilt.

 

Here's my take on it...you are not as bad as you think, you made a mistake, and you will make more mistakes in your life, and that is ok, it makes you human. Personally I feel more comfortable with an honest person, like yourself, that has the ability to communicate their own failings, than with a person that is high, mighty and arrogant ....in other words selfrighteous people...you are cool

 

You got a precious little bundle soooo, and the baby is healthy...wow so many people want to adopt babies these days, so many people are unable to have babies so take your little precious one and be happy.

 

I don't know, that first one is a biggy, my first response would be to not want the dad or W in the picture at all....that is the way I was with the kids dads (they didn't want to be in the kids lives anyway, I tried to encourage a R but got tired of seeing the kids hurt when the dads would not come to pick them up) I didn't want their money, nothing...oh and the dads did not want to pay child support anyway....so I felt screw them, ya know.

 

Anyway please keep posting because talking about it is soooo good for you and with the certain decsions that you may make you may not have very many that you can trust....also for the mostpart you will get some extremely helpful and good advice in this forum.

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My H actually is involved in the baby's life. Not to the extent of our first child, but he tries. I am thankful. I love my H and realize my mistakes, but I cannot expect him to forgive something so terrible.

 

mybrowneyedgirl - you are right. i really dont have a lot in the way of finances. i am barely getting by. the baby's father has a good bit of money.

 

my problem is that he sent me an email saying that he and his wife didnt want to know the truth. and like i said before he told me that she may force him to have visitations. i cannot bear the thought of my child going and spending weekends with his wife being the caretaker of my child. i would rather do it alone.

 

part of me thinks that my MM really loves this baby and wants to be a part of things, but he cant because he is trying to save his life with his wife. he asks about my baby and i think he really is in love. i almost feel bad for him.

 

i also cannot help but think that if he really wanted to fix his marriage that he couldnt just ignore this. could they really sweep this under the rug forever and not think about it? and how could she rebuild a marriage with him knowing that there is an innocent baby out there that might belong to him?

 

Wow, ok my daughter would be a good one to answer this one...and I quess me too...exMM's W may or may not be cool with this, anyway there will mostlikely be jealousy.

 

My daughters fathers new W was a B to the fullest extent of the word, she hated me and my kids and was VERY jealous and to this day I do not understand why....I wanted to stay out of their lives....she would not allow my ex to see his kids and when he would I guess raise a big enough stink she would finally agree (my son was his stepson, but he loved him like a son, there really was no partiality)....so my kids would go over there only to get treated like ****.

 

I, myself had a stepmother, and I did not know I was Cinderella until later on in life....her true colors came out the day my father died....she was evil...it's kinda interesting exMM/(who knows) when he first met me called me "Cinderella" because he felt I resembled Leslie Ann Warren (the one who played Cinderella in the real movie, the first one)....oh how true that was.

 

It's going to be hard for your H not to show partiality unless he is extremely mature.....

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jennie-jennie

The baby has a right to his/her father. That is all there is to it. Sorry you are hurting, but you need to do what is best for the baby.

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torranceshipman

Sorry to hear what you are going through, but it WILL get better - everyone makes mistakes but many people avoid such a fallout. You havent destroyed your life, btw, you are an able bodied, healthy capable female with a gorgeous child and a lifetime of new experiences ahead of you, so personally I think you have a lot to look forward to and feel positive about!

 

As much as it hurts, you need to look at this situation through the eyes of your child, and do whatever seems to be right from his/her perspective. I work with teenagers and many go off the rails when they lose faith in their parent(s) via hearing about a lie, a parent that they perceive not to have wanted them, etc....it can cause incredible damage, so you need to minimize the damage there. The W of your xMM might be capable of providing a loving environment for the child and in encouraging your cowardly retarded-sounding MM to really step up and be something of a father, in whatever capacity, to your child. I think this is a much better way forward - your disgust at having to deal with him/her, etc, will lower quickly over time and, in time, you'll move on and meet someone great, then your child will have you, and a new father figure in a loving home AND his/her real father and his W to love them. Let the child experience this and make up their mind - be honest and open because you're a role model to your child - we all make mistakes but the real damage and carnage often comes NOT from he mistake but in the way that it is handled.

 

I expect the xMM and W dont want to know, as they may feel it'd sound the death knell on their M - selfish, as this is about what is best for the child. But tell them and let them deal with that in their own time.

 

Good luck!

Edited by torranceshipman
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Is there a reason you don't want MMs wife seeing the baby when it would be his turn for visitation? Is she a criminal or mentally unstable, or is it just your own insecurities? You said you don't have much financial support. If I were you I would 1. keep in counseling 2. tell MM he is NOT getting off scott free in this. He will pay child support and his wife will know. Your marriage has been busted why does he get a free ride in his?

Sounds like he's still playing you and you are allowing it.

If there is a safety reason why MMs wife should not be with him during visitation you can request to the court that visitation be supervised.

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bentnotbroken

She doesn't want the wife to be with the child because she believes that is she was capable of doing something so wrong to someone that the wife is also capable, enough to take it out on a child. You know the "sins of the father(mother) are visited on the child" type of thinking.

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BlueeyedJonesy

I'm so sorry that your in this situation..it must be terribly hard raising your baby with all of this in your mind 24/7. I think you should tell him..it's his baby. I know it sounds like he threw you under the bus but every parent should get a chance to know the children they bring into this world. I know you say you couldn't send the baby over there but his wife would make him have visitation? That says alot about her in my mind..most women wouldn't want the man to have anything to link them to the OW but she is making him step up if need be. To assume she would "take it out on the baby" is a little rash.. unless you think otherwise. Just remember you are the babys mother and thats all that matters, it sounds like you have a great H and thats just wonderful that he is trying to adjust to things. Good luck

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How do you know he really told his wife.I am married I would be pissed over the act but I am also wise enough to know its ot the childs fault.He should know and he should help with support.Maybe he has not really told her.Boy he gets all the benifits and everyone else is left to hold responsibilty.Tell him he made the chose to wander he was suppose to be commited to his wife.Good luck.hugs:bunny:

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heres why i feel the way i do.

 

i asked if he wanted to know. the response was NO.

i asked if she wanted to know. the response was NO.

 

he told me he was afraid of what she might do if the baby was his and that "she might make him have visitation."

 

sounds to me like he doesnt want visitation. that it would be a means for her to get back at me for what i've done.

 

i also cant get over the intitial response that he didnt want to know, that he hasnt been a part of my baby's life so far, that he would have told her initially if he wanted to know. he chose to hide it. and now together they are choosing to hide it while reconciling their marriage.

 

ive heard people ask him how many kids he has and he responds "one." and for all they know i might not have enough money to care for this baby. but they go to their social functions and their own childs events looking like great parents while hiding this big secret.

 

so yes, to make all of these choices and then say a year later that they want visitation is offensive to me. i question the motives.

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and before i get all of the unprotected sex comments...yes, we were in a situation that we made a stupid stupid choice. but, because of issues we were both under the impression that i was unable to get pregnant at that time. doesnt excuse it, theres always a chance. but we were not intentionally acting irresponsibly. we clearly had thought about this issue, taken precautions, but made this mistake. i guess the lesson here is theres always a chance no matter how much you think otherwise and nothing is 100%.

Edited by overmyhead
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Unfortunately kids DO get the a** end of the deal, I think overmyhead is being insightful to see all of the possible senerios that could be played out concerning her baby.

 

None of us see the little things that come out in people personalities, and it is impossible to describe in a couple of paragraphs on a discussion forum.

 

Personally overmyhead, you would not have written this in a forum if you did not have deep concerns...you know the situation and the hearts of these individuals and I can tell you first hand there is a reason for everything, follow your instinct, it's there for a reason.

 

I raised two children on my own completely, there were times of plenty and times of almost nothing, but WE got through it. My kids are successful and so am I.

 

The most well intentioned people still deal with jealousy, hurt and anger, and while well intent, these strong emotions do come out in one form or another. It takes an extremely mature person to overcome these things.

 

My daughters first baby was by a different father, and her H at the time tried not to be partial, although I could see that he was much harder on the baby that was not his.

 

I don't know where you are at spiritually, although if you have any type of relationship with God, I would give it to Him. My thoughts are definitely with you....

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Is there any chance you could sit down with MM and his W and talk this out like adults? I can see your point, and if the W is going to take out her frustrations on your child, then you don't need to give her access to it. But if she will truly be good to your child, it would be a shame to deny your baby the chance to know his/her father.

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and before i get all of the unprotected sex comments...yes, we were in a situation that we made a stupid stupid choice. but, because of issues we were both under the impression that i was unable to get pregnant at that time. doesnt excuse it, theres always a chance. but we were not intentionally acting irresponsibly. we clearly had thought about this issue, taken precautions, but made this mistake. i guess the lesson here is theres always a chance no matter how much you think otherwise and nothing is 100%.

 

overmyhead....a precious baby is NEVER a mistake. Man g/f you are beating yourself up....no need for that....and I know people out there just seem to be waiting to throw the first stone (not speaking of this forum).

 

This baby is a miracle, and even moreso if you thought you were unable to conceive.....

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Green Eyed Monster.

 

Look overmyhead...the ONLY reason you don't want his W watching over the baby is JEALOUSY. I get it.

 

The thoughts of "how can SHE be raising, even if only part time, MY daughter" (daughter?). All too human. I deal with it myself with my xWW when she considers the thought of another woman RAISING "her" kids. Believe me, she gets downright nasty about it. Its jealousy. I think you feel the same.

 

You get over your jealousy and the MM has got to deal with this child.

My response to all that jealousy and avoidance...tough shyte. Get over it.

 

YOUR needs no LONGER matter. YOU know this. The CHILD come first. End of sentence. I don't give a rats a$$ about his M. I don't give a rats a$$ about the "fallout". Too effin' bad.

 

I STRONGLY urge you to immediately seek full child support.

I STRONGLY urge you to DEMAND this cowardly piece of shyte MM OWN this child and raise her (or him).

I STRONGLY urge you to compel your MM to provide insurance.

 

Your first stop come Monday is a family law attorney.

PROVIDE a BETTER life for your child. ANd for yourself I might add. You have, as you already have discovered, learned how hard it is as a single mom. But your MM has a MORAL, ETHICAL and LEGAL DUTY to provide for his child.

 

Because you are PROTECTING HIM. Its the ONLY reason YOU have said...

 

Unreal.

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I agree with the poster here that you should watch the wife. She will try to insinuate herself into your child's life, and then make material gestures to that child (gifts, outings, etc), and before you know it, you will have more anxiety about whose influences, whose parenting, the child is receiving.

 

Aside from this point, I wish to add that what works in life is clarity and only clarity. Or else, you suffer in the muck and muddle of gray areas, forever.

 

1. Tell him it is his, and that you have proof.

 

2. Tell him you would like monthly child support, or that he give you a lump sum of money if that works out better.

 

3. Cut off all contact with this man, as much as you can, given that you have this child together of course

 

4. Expect nothing from your H, that he should be helping you with this baby is gallant enough. Let him work this out in his mind.

 

That your MM said that he did not want to know if the baby was his, is the height of cowardice and total moral failure.

 

By the way...all this brings to mind a previous post here....Another poster on this thread said that she preferred talking to someone who "made mistakes" because that makes a person "more human", and that those who are "high mighty and arrogant" are basically repulsive.

 

I understand this to mean, that if someone tries to NOT make mistakes in life, or not too frequently, or to live with a moral code, then this is "high mighty and arrogant" but the person constantly screwing up is warm, fuzzy and human.

 

So let us use this reasoning with regard to the MM. The MM here says, "Sorry, I screwed up, I am only human, I made a mistake, Gee sorry, can't help you". Now, by this other poster's argument, we should just let the MM off for his "humanity"----right? And those here who say that he must be responsible, not make gross errors with regard to this child's future (as he is now doing), that he should do the honorable thing.....are we, or would he be if he acted so, the high mighty arrogant ones?

 

Just a thought....

 

Rid yourself of all of this anxiety and come clean to him, tell him the baby is his, secure yourself financially, and treat your (ex?) husband with respect

 

OE

Edited by OldEurope
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I agree with the poster here that you should watch the wife. She will try to insinuate herself into your child's life, and then make material gestures to that child (gifts, outings, etc), and before you know it, you will have more anxiety about whose influences, whose parenting, the child is receiving.

 

But that's the nature of the beast...and I mean divorce here.

 

IT means by definition that ANOTHER WILL raise your children.

And buy them presents.

And sing them lullaby's.

And kiss "owies".

And be a parent in your absence.

 

Her xH will have to deal with another man, provided overmyhead remarries, raising their child. And she in turn will have to come to terms with another woman raising the child by her xH.

 

I think this is her issue with the MM's W.

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First off what you did was not a mistake, you can't help how you feel but you can control your actions.

 

Second do not make the baby pay for what you and the MM did. He knows the baby is his but he is getting out of obligation. If he can bang you he can at least support his child

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Wait. This shouldn't be about punishing the MM and making him take responsibility. This should be about the best interests of this child.

 

There are all kinds of people out there. I have known people who have step-children from spouse's previous relationship who do not treat the children well, especially if they have children of their own. I have also known step-parents who have bio children, and you can't tell by the treatment which is which.

 

I feel it is a legitimate concern to worry how a child created through an affair will be treated by the BS. It's not worth some child support to put your child through hell.

 

I think the best thing OP can do is find out about what kind of person the W is, and then go from there. Maybe she is a good person who will treat the child well.

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