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minutebyminute

If you are not into long drama, this post is not for you!!!!!

 

My first post was such a "train wreck" as someone reminded me. I was a total mess. I didn't know where to start, thinking I had to be a freak having the feelings I had, acting hysterical, not knowing which end was up. I've got a grip. Again, if you don't know me I am a married women (MW)that had and affair (A) with a single man (SM)

 

This MW cannot get the SM out of her mind!! It has been 7 yes seven months. I stayed with my husband of over 20 years, we had kids late in life, he treated me like **** for 20 years, then I met this man. I love him.

I love him. I love him. All the details removed, he has moved on. He wasn't the honerable man, he didn't stand up to the plate, he betrayed me and he deserted me. I did the same to him, but because he wanted me single and without kids, single okay, without kids, never. I told him this. He toyed with this, loved my kids, but didn't want them because they were my husbands(H).

 

I just can't get this man out of my head. Was it only sex??? Is this the results of the chemical release that happens when you "think" you love someone. I felt this way with my H when I met him, it was magical, I didn't want to be without him. Then after years of his ****, it lessened.

It was only after I had the affair with this man that I knew what kind of man my H really was, a piece of ****!! I told him, the (H) everything, he was devistated. I wanted a divorce, he didn't. He told me he was would win me back, he did. Not because of him, but because of the situation.

 

G, (the other man) would not commit, he said how could he. Question to you all, I didn't want to jump from one relationship to another, but he persued me, so why not commit. I wrote G a letter and told him, if he would just say the word, I would make it happen. SLAP, he "guess" he didn't want the package I was peddling.

 

I guess I feel so betrayed, so used, so emotionally let down that I find it hard to get a grasp these days. I made the decision to stay with my H.

His sister-n-law his sister, reminded him of how close he was to loosing me and then told me of their conversation when she was here to visit.

She told me I was the best thing that ever happened to my H, but in her eyes if I needed to get out she always had a place for me and I would be taken care of, and yes she knows of the affair.

 

Right now, I get along with my husband. He listens to me, and actually comments on the things I say. Another post may say he lives in fear, I may leave him. He might, but I am the same person I was before, only this time I mean it.

 

The relationship I had was with a man six years older than me. He married very young then had it annuled, which he failed to tell me about until about the end of our relationship, which I don't know if it had any connection, they were married and it just didn't work out, he didn't see it as a real marriage so he never justified it as such.

He also married a woman for her citizenship he says, was married seven years, she was gorgeous, by my standards which are high, he said he tried but had no sexual chemistry with her so they eventually divorced, WHATEVER!

I need ti move on, I can't. I'm stuck. ..I'm crying. . .I just want to be whole again.

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he betrayed me and he deserted me. I did the same to him, but because he wanted me single and without kids, single okay, without kids, never. I told him this. He toyed with this, loved my kids, but didn't want them because they were my husbands(H).

 

Just hearing that would kill the love for me.

 

It sounds like you just need time. Sometimes that's the only thing that helps with heartbreak.

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ladydesigner
Originally Posted by minutebyminutehe betrayed me and he deserted me. I did the same to him, but because he wanted me single and without kids, single okay, without kids, never. I told him this. He toyed with this, loved my kids, but didn't want them because they were my husbands(H).

I have to say that this would kill the love for me as well. What a jerk. Move on from this idiot.
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minutebyminute

THANK YOU!! I know this, I am an educated person, why have I reduced myself to this, I just don't know. Really, something is missing, either this is pure karma, or I lost out on love, or I'm just plain pathetic.

I'm at a loss, I need to move on I know, but something is keeping me here, in this moment. I don't even live near him anymore. I haven't talked with him in two months, what is my problem? I'm lost, I feel like a nothing, I have no avenues anymore, I am full of self pitty, I AM PATHETIC TO PUT IT MILDLY.

Thanking the angels and GOD above, he pushed me in the right direction, not because I wanted to, but because he knew I loved my children more than anything in this world. My life is so far from perfect, but it is a lot better than most people have it.

I used to be this super person, going here & there, full of energy, nothing could get me down, now I feel 95 in mind and spirit. I look in the mirror and just see age. I see nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing.

WTFuc* when will this END.

I just want to buy a cycle and leave, leave it all behind, cruise the country and live. If you see a homeless person, they seem so pathetic don't they? I used to think so, but now I think they are dancing to the tune of life! Someone splash water on me, slap me, tell me what an idiot I am.

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Life is what you make it.

 

If you are choosing to continue to be bogged down with all this unrequited love and obsession, then what are you doing to your kids? How are you functioning as a mother if you are too emotionally devastated to be the kind of mom you want to be?

 

If you are going to spend more days/months crying over this guy, who used you, then maybe it is best to leave your H and take time alone to heal. I am not saying you will spend the rest of your life mourning this, but ..... you DO have a choice. You can CHOOSE to put it behind you and move on. You can CHOOSE to wallow in the self pity and whoa is me attitude.

 

Life is what you make it.

 

Choose to make it better for you, your kids and your marriage.

 

What you experienced with this guy was the excitement, the thrill and the secrecy of an affair. It wasn't real. What IS real is your children. what is real is that right now, you are married. What is real is what is in front of you.

 

You CAN decide that the marriage isn't for you. You can decide to forgive and rebuild. You can decide that you just don't want to move forward with him and continue to blame him for you choosing to have an affair.

 

You can also choose to forgive yourself. You can choose to decide what you want in life.

 

So make a decision. Don't stay because it is 'easier'. Don't leave because you think this guy is going to come back for you (because it doesn't sound like that is the case and it doesn't sound like that ever was the case <that he wanted a long term committed relationship with you>).

 

But one way or the other --- MAKE a decision and WORK towards what you want. In MY mind, this other guy is NOT the future. This other guy is NOT who you think he is and isn't going to 'choose' to come back for you.

 

But if you cannot - cannot - get past the past issues in your marriage --- then get out of it.

 

Children can handle divorce. Children want to be in a stable, happy home. Children should NOT be subjected to a home filled with hostility, tension and misery.

 

Children thrive in a single parent home filled with happiness and love. They wither in a home filled with resentment and no love.

 

Look deep within YOU and make a decision. But stop being a victim, stop blaming others and start being a role model for your kids and start showing them the lessons in life you want them to learn and the values and principles you want them to grow up knowing.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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minutebyminute

I haven't been on LS for a while. I was doing pretty well, until just recently.

I'm having a very bad day today, I logged on and found the response by fooled once and I want to tell you how much I needed that.

 

I have no one right now. We had to move. I have no friends. I think that is why this has been so hard on me and why I am having such a very hard time letting go. It's something to hold on to for whatever reason.

 

My H isn't much of a motivator, he a just do it kind of guy, or will wait and wait until he can't take it anymore & have a melt down on me. This does not help, I just retreat inside myself to that place where I was happy, with my other man.

 

You are right on all cases. I'm healing and taking way better care of myself, but I feel so empty inside. I'm going to turn 45 in a couple of days and age never bothered me until now. I'm baffled at that one too.

 

Yes, I'm full of self pity and remorse right now, I worry about my kids, but they always come first.

 

That's it for now. Thanks.

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Look deep within YOU and make a decision. But stop being a victim, stop blaming others and start being a role model for your kids and start showing them the lessons in life you want them to learn and the values and principles you want them to grow up knowing.

 

I haven't been on LS for a while. I was doing pretty well, until just recently.

I'm having a very bad day today, I logged on and found the response by fooled once and I want to tell you how much I needed that.

 

I have no one right now. We had to move. I have no friends. I think that is why this has been so hard on me and why I am having such a very hard time letting go. It's something to hold on to for whatever reason.

My H isn't much of a motivator, he a just do it kind of guy, or will wait and wait until he can't take it anymore & have a melt down on me. This does not help, I just retreat inside myself to that place where I was happy, with my other man.

 

You are right on all cases. I'm healing and taking way better care of myself, but I feel so empty inside. I'm going to turn 45 in a couple of days and age never bothered me until now. I'm baffled at that one too.

 

Yes, I'm full of self pity and remorse right now, I worry about my kids, but they always come first.

 

That's it for now. Thanks.

 

You say that you read Fooled's post and it is what you needed, but based on your own post in response to it, you seem to have missed the MOST IMPORTANT PART OF WHAT SHE SAID!!!!

 

You need to start taking ownership of your life. Why is it that your H has to 'motivate' anything? You are the one unhappy in your marriage, what have YOU DONE to make it better? Your life is lonely, what have YOU DONE to reach out to friends, or make new ones? What are YOU DOING to improve your situation?

 

If you leave your happiness up to the rest of the world, you will always be sad and disappointed by the outcome. Start being responsible for your own life, that is your only shot at ever being really happy.

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minutebyminute

I knew that would be the response when I wrote it, but it's okay, I'm glad you wrote it.

 

I got the whole picture of Fooled Once's post. I am responsible for my life, and my OWN happiness.

 

I spend waaaay too much time thinking about all of this I know. I think it's part of the reason I had the A to begin with. I lived my life through my H for almost 20+ years. Doing what he wanted, being an idiot. I had bad role models for parents. No support while I was growing up. I married too young, fortunately for me, I had kids later in life, so I wasn't so immature. I still have a lot of growing up to do, I'll be the first to admit that.

 

I forget sometimes to be very specific when posting as it can be interpreted may different ways. I guess what I meant to say is I don't feel very supported or motivated by my H, and when I start to feel tall again it's like he feels the opportunity to say, "okay, here is what I think but does it in a flush of words that have been bottled up waiting for the day he thinks I'm okay to "talk" to and I feel criticized instead of being talked to like a equal. The communication between us has always been an issue.

 

I've read many things about communication between men and women and I may be the one who is hyper-sensitive and he is just being a man, say what he has to say and move on.

 

As far as the friend thing goes, I have made an attempt to become friends with other people, but I find myself not being able to give to any relationship-I feel burned by my old friends by moving and them not responding to my calls, emails, Facebook, etc.

 

Right now I am making baby steps when I want to leap forward. It's like one foot is nailed to the floor while my mind is racing forward.

 

I think I have made progress in my marriage. I think we may have a great chance, then other times I just want to move on and be by myself, but that's too easy. I have more lessons I need to learn and so does he, each of us innately knows when it is "time"

 

I'm trying to own my life, I see all these other women who are successful and happy with way more on their plate than me and are doing it in stride.

I feel like I'm at the window, but something is holding me from going through it and I WANT TO GO THROUGH IT, just can't figure out how to jump.

 

I've made some steps in my life to be better. I do feel better. My family is better for it. I want to heal and move on from the OM, I pray each night to help me heal, put me in the right direction for my chosen path and to remind myself to take good care of ME, so that I can take care of those I love. So far, it's working, but I feel unfulfilled and I don't know what the lack of fulfillment is. That is when I turn back to the A, I felt free and fulfilled or did I? This guy tore me up, twisted my soul and left me for dead.

I hate him/I love him/I wish him the worst/He deserved happiness too/I hope he dies poor and alone/I hope she takes care of him/I wish she knew who he really was/She will find out/Maybe she is the one/He's such a F-er!/

Round and round.

 

If you can give me advise on only ONE thing, tell me how to forget this man

the thoughts of him are destroying my life and the beautiful life I could be having with my H and kids, Okay eat me up on this one LS!!!!!

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Minutebyminute. I feel as if you need to step back and not think about your H and the OM for a little bit, focus on yourself for a bit. What do you want? I feel as if you really have some deep searching to do within yourself.

 

I would give this a couple of months and really think about the issues at hand.

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You know, you were tricked by a manipulator.

IT sounds like he is NOT a good man - in any sense of the word. It also does NOT sound like he loved you like you loved him

 

I think you fell so hard because he showed you the emotions and everything you were lacking from your husband.

 

Keep telling yourself that he is an ass. REMEMBER what he did and just keep reading this. When you start feeling the lovey feelings for him - REMEMBER how much it hurt you to hear the words he said to you when he left.

 

Do you want to relive that??

 

You have several choices to move on:

1. Throw yourself back into your family.

2. Make time for you and your H ... TALK to him. Let him KNOW how much you miss being intimate and loving with him. Plan a date night and get out with him one on one, no kids, and try to reconnect with him .

3. See a therapist. This may help you ID what happened in the first place to get you where you are.

4. Do one good thing a week for YOU (i.e. get nails done, read a book, etc.).....

5. Talk to friends and get ACTIVE in the community

 

When you are really busy and happy in your own life, you will not have the time to think about this ass anymore :)

 

Good luck

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I don't think there is any way possible he could love you and say, "but only without your children." Who says that to a mother? It does not sound like he really loved you. It's his option to not choose someone who already has children, but I can't imagine someone who truly loves you saying that to you. He obviously doesn't love all of you because a huge part of you is loving your children, right?

 

I love MissBlue72's suggestions.

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NowhereToHide

Minute... I was very much in your situation. I was in love with my xAP. And I felt like I would NEVER get over him or stop thinking about him. I was obsessed... I went through a horrible depression when my A ended.

 

The first thing is, you must TRULY WANT to move on. When you obsess about him, much of it is motivated by fear of not wanting to forget those feelings. But to let go you must be ready.

 

And you DO need to see a therapist. It helped me immensely. He or she will give you techniques like thought-stopping and silent ridicule that will help frame your xAP in a way that helps you move on.

 

Give yourself time. And I'm not convinced you should stay in your marriage. Maybe marriage counseling?

 

Good luck to you.

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bittersweet memories
I don't think there is any way possible he could love you and say, "but only without your children." Who says that to a mother? It does not sound like he really loved you. It's his option to not choose someone who already has children, but I can't imagine someone who truly loves you saying that to you. He obviously doesn't love all of you because a huge part of you is loving your children, right?

 

I love MissBlue72's suggestions.

 

 

**BINGO**...you took the words right out of my mouth.

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If you are not into long drama, this post is not for you!!!!!

 

My first post was such a "train wreck" as someone reminded me. I was a total mess. I didn't know where to start, thinking I had to be a freak having the feelings I had, acting hysterical, not knowing which end was up. I've got a grip. Again, if you don't know me I am a married women (MW)that had and affair (A) with a single man (SM)

 

This MW cannot get the SM out of her mind!! It has been 7 yes seven months. I stayed with my husband of over 20 years, we had kids late in life, he treated me like **** for 20 years, then I met this man. I love him.

I love him. I love him. All the details removed, he has moved on. He wasn't the honerable man, he didn't stand up to the plate, he betrayed me and he deserted me. I did the same to him, but because he wanted me single and without kids, single okay, without kids, never. I told him this. He toyed with this, loved my kids, but didn't want them because they were my husbands(H).

 

I just can't get this man out of my head. Was it only sex??? Is this the results of the chemical release that happens when you "think" you love someone. I felt this way with my H when I met him, it was magical, I didn't want to be without him. Then after years of his ****, it lessened.

It was only after I had the affair with this man that I knew what kind of man my H really was, a piece of ****!! I told him, the (H) everything, he was devistated. I wanted a divorce, he didn't. He told me he was would win me back, he did. Not because of him, but because of the situation.

 

G, (the other man) would not commit, he said how could he. Question to you all, I didn't want to jump from one relationship to another, but he persued me, so why not commit. I wrote G a letter and told him, if he would just say the word, I would make it happen. SLAP, he "guess" he didn't want the package I was peddling.

 

I guess I feel so betrayed, so used, so emotionally let down that I find it hard to get a grasp these days. I made the decision to stay with my H.

His sister-n-law his sister, reminded him of how close he was to loosing me and then told me of their conversation when she was here to visit.

She told me I was the best thing that ever happened to my H, but in her eyes if I needed to get out she always had a place for me and I would be taken care of, and yes she knows of the affair.

 

Right now, I get along with my husband. He listens to me, and actually comments on the things I say. Another post may say he lives in fear, I may leave him. He might, but I am the same person I was before, only this time I mean it.

 

The relationship I had was with a man six years older than me. He married very young then had it annuled, which he failed to tell me about until about the end of our relationship, which I don't know if it had any connection, they were married and it just didn't work out, he didn't see it as a real marriage so he never justified it as such.

He also married a woman for her citizenship he says, was married seven years, she was gorgeous, by my standards which are high, he said he tried but had no sexual chemistry with her so they eventually divorced, WHATEVER!

I need ti move on, I can't. I'm stuck. ..I'm crying. . .I just want to be whole again.

 

What I bolded above should tell you what kind of person he really is.

 

And HOW can you "love" this guy who doesn't want your kids? Really...how? How can you love this guy who wants YOU to dump your kids? Tell me how?

 

I think you are just so unhappy for whatever reason in your marriage you are looking at him as if he is some Knight in Shining Armor. He isn't. He is this dude who wants you, but not your children.

 

Yuck.

 

Why don't you just leave your H? Why? You aren't there because you love him.

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minutebyminute

I don't know what it is about me that allows people to be so tactless and

cruel to me.

 

I let my H do it for years, then I find this guy and he did it to me too.

 

I'm stepping back right now, not making any moves, one hurdle at a time.

I've talked with my H about our M recently. I think he is afraid of being alone, afraid no one else would love him or take care of him, his baggage is not my problem, but he is my friend and we need to work this out together slowly.

 

I know the kids will be okay, we have done an awesome job with them, they are my biggest concern obviously and I don't want them to grow up f-ed up like I was due to a divorce not well thought out, if that possibility exists.

 

As for the OM, I'm posting, healing and listening very carefully to what you all have to say. It's funny how you get stuck on two sides when there are thousands of outcomes. It helps to let it out and I appreciate the responses. .. please say what you want keep them coming.

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. It helps to let it out and I appreciate the responses. .. please say what you want keep them coming.

 

Are you sure?

 

Okay, here it is then...

 

What kind of slimey a$$clown were you messing with that told you to dump your kids, and then he would want to be with you?? EWWW :sick:

 

To say that he doesn't want your children to be in his life because they are also your husband's children?? WTF?? This guy is a loser from the opening of the gate!!! I have seen and heard a lot of bullsh*t come from people's mouths before, but if some guy said something to me like that not only would I dump his a$$ imediately on the curb, but I may punch him in his mouth a few times on his way out the door.

 

For you to be pining for someone so disgusting is beyond me.:confused:

 

He sounds like a worthless excuse for a human being, and I hope your children never find out that you were involved with someone who you even for a mili-second considered leaving them for. It makes my heart sick, as the fact that you are pining for him makes me think that some tiny little part of you may be considering his proposition. :sick: :sick: :sick:

 

My MM loves my children, and my children love him. If it wasn't that way, My MM would not be My MM.. period.

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SuburbanOblivion

You guys honestly think he meant it when he said he wanted her, but not with her kids? Seriously?

 

She could have been willing to walk away from her marriage without her kids and he'd still have found a reason not to be with her. He never wanted to be with her, he wanted the sex.

 

He said that to her because he knows as a mother she would NOT walk away from her kids. It kept her in exactly the position he wanted her- tied down to her family, but available to him for sex.

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You guys honestly think he meant it when he said he wanted her, but not with her kids? Seriously?

 

She could have been willing to walk away from her marriage without her kids and he'd still have found a reason not to be with her. He never wanted to be with her, he wanted the sex.

 

He said that to her because he knows as a mother she would NOT walk away from her kids. It kept her in exactly the position he wanted her- tied down to her family, but available to him for sex.

 

Even if that is the case, it still makes me want to vomit. What is even more disgusting is that she would even consider having sex with him after he said something to her like that... she should have drop kicked his a$$ out of her life on the spot!!!

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minutebyminute

Here is what he said. I don't know about the kid thing, I never had any kids, if it wasn't for them we would already be gone. To me same thing, get rid of the kids.

 

He said the kids would keep the attachment with the H and he didn't want a connection with my H for the rest of his life. To me, he could deal with kids just not my H.

 

I think you have something there, he knew what a great mom I was, even commented on it many times, knowing I'd never leave them.

 

This did not come out until after we were well into the A. Maybe that's why I felt so broken, thinking how could I have given myself to anyone much less than this piece of ****. I wish I had your balls at that time FA, I should have drop kicked his a$$.

 

For some reason, people can't take the beauty and love out of my soul. It's protected and I always try to see the best in people, thus the 20 years with my H and his bull**** and now this guy.

 

I've accomplished a lot in my life, but I am still such an immature idiot when it comes to human beings and love. I don't NOT want to trust people. I don't want to have that look, the black eyes, the "I've seen it all attitude,"

I don't want these things to interfere with who I am, and who I am is a loving, caring and giving person. I want to stay that way.

 

It's so funny what other people see that you cannot or will not, that is why I am here on LS, that is why you go to therapy.

 

I'm just moving way to slow, I want to leap forward instead of all these baby steps.

 

Thanks for the replies

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