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So I finally have MY closure


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I know all the advice given was to keep up NC but I needed closure.

 

So yes xMM came into work on Monday and I was a mess, I couldn't concentrate on anything.

 

He kept his promise to his W and did not try to speak to me but made sure I knew he was there.

 

So I left a voice mail simply saying 'we need to talk', he then phoned my friend asking if this was me trying to trap him so I could run back to his W saying he was breaking NC!! WTF? My friend told him I needed closure so when I left work he rang me.

 

It turns out his W had told him that if he tried to contact me then the first thing I would do was tell her....and he believed this as I had said I would be nothing but honest with her and TBH I would of if he'd of broke NC to try to resume the A but I needed answers.

 

I have those answers now and I feel so much better, I now know whats going on, I now know what has been said and so does he (none black and white from me, him or his W).

 

So I'd just like to say that yes I can see the need for NC but only if all involved has had their say.

 

This talk was for me, not him or his W but ME, I haven't 'lost it' since and I truly believe I can now move on. I'm still so sad and I still think I will go through all sorts of emotions and pain until I'm over him but this really was the closure I needed.

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Are you sure you're ok H4U? You must still be kind of shocked to be honest. Did you talk face-to-face or on the phone? I admire you're courage to do it but I think that would mess me up more. I'd probably end up a begging mess, to my shame.

 

You seem a bit angry about it. I hope this anger moves you to a healing place and you can put this man and your affair behind you.

 

(((hugs)))

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WhereToGoFromHere

((Hugs)) H4U.. I hope you start to feel better soon and that you now have everything you need to move on. All this pain, loss, and everything else that goes along with it just sucks. There are many here that are going through the same things. I admire your strength. Hang in there!!!

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Are you sure you're ok H4U? You must still be kind of shocked to be honest. Did you talk face-to-face or on the phone? I admire you're courage to do it but I think that would mess me up more. I'd probably end up a begging mess, to my shame.

 

You seem a bit angry about it. I hope this anger moves you to a healing place and you can put this man and your affair behind you.

 

(((hugs)))

 

Thanks for the hugs, I'm fine, honest.

Lots was said, I'll PM you if you want to know all but I now know he is doing what we said all along, his W did bend her words when we spoke and also bent my responses to him.

 

He now knows why I said certain things to her and I now know why she said certain things to me. He also said I could of said a lot worse to her if I'd of wanted to hurt her. My dignity is in tact, he has shown me that he has never thought we were 'wrong' but just that he was wrong to not sort his life out before 'us'.

We have both agreed that there is no way we will go back to the A and he understands that the damage he has done to me is unforgivable.

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silverplanets

I am pleased for you and think I understand.

 

i went NC in August but broke it in December via email. I thought about it long and hard (for a few weeks first) to try and establish what my motives were and came to the conclusion that they were about closure.

 

After all that deliberation it was pretty much a non-event .. I didn't get the human dignity of direct answers but that in itself was enough of an answer.

 

It brought back all my feelings for them in a wave, but somehow I was just able to be calmer about it all. I made clear before NC that I was not willing to accept a relationship with a married woman and I am clear on that down to my core - not persuadable or playable. I didn't make anthing of this in the contact as I didn't need to .. it's one of my core principles now and I have the right to maintain it.

 

I did see the start of the usual "fishing" and "feel sorry for me" lines in their email but I was able to just laugh it off to myself good naturedlly.

 

After I'd done I'd done it and then closed it camly again (wishing them the best and genuinly meaning it) I went out to pick my daughter up with a sense of peace and acceptance.

 

Doing it proved to myself that they didn't have any magic power over me and were only a human being - not some special being with the power to manipulate my very thoughts and emotions.

 

In a way it removed this aura I'd built up around them.

 

I still miss them (you can't not miss someone who's been in your life for 15 years) but I now know they are just a human being .... with no special powers or control.

 

Missing them is natual and I'm ok with that ... letting them cloud your every thought and movement is not .. and that's the freedom I got from my contact.

 

I haven't needed to contact them since and know now that I can calmly maintain my ground if they do so.

 

So well done and glad it worked .... hope the demons are at rest and you can slowly begin to move on.

 

Closure ... you can't overrate it in my opinion.

 

Chris

:-)

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Thanks for the hugs, I'm fine, honest.

Lots was said, I'll PM you if you want to know all but I now know he is doing what we said all along, his W did bend her words when we spoke and also bent my responses to him.

 

He now knows why I said certain things to her and I now know why she said certain things to me. He also said I could of said a lot worse to her if I'd of wanted to hurt her. My dignity is in tact, he has shown me that he has never thought we were 'wrong' but just that he was wrong to not sort his life out before 'us'.

We have both agreed that there is no way we will go back to the A and he understands that the damage he has done to me is unforgivable.

 

I'm glad you're fine. I don't have PM privileges yet so don't worry, honestly. You've come out of it well all things considered. I hope things will be better at work for you now and you can focus a bit better. You're better off without the trouble and pain he brings you H4U.

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((Hugs)) H4U.. I hope you start to feel better soon and that you now have everything you need to move on. All this pain, loss, and everything else that goes along with it just sucks. There are many here that are going through the same things. I admire your strength. Hang in there!!!

 

Thank You WTGFH, I truly do think this is the start of my healing. I know everyone said to keep up NC but I needed this so much.

 

My head is the clearest its been for weeks. He is doing what he can to save his M and I'm ok with that (obviously hurting but ok), I've been asking him to do this for the last 18 months so how can I be angry.

 

I think what messed me up was having no closure, I have that now so its all about looking to the future and not looking back.

 

If his M works then great for them, if not then I will always love him but if I've moved on by the time he has sorted himself out then that is just the way it is.

 

I'm a big believer in fate.

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I am pleased for you and think I understand.

 

i went NC in August but broke it in December via email. I thought about it long and hard (for a few weeks first) to try and establish what my motives were and came to the conclusion that they were about closure.

 

After all that deliberation it was pretty much a non-event .. I didn't get the human dignity of direct answers but that in itself was enough of an answer.

 

It brought back all my feelings for them in a wave, but somehow I was just able to be calmer about it all. I made clear before NC that I was not willing to accept a relationship with a married woman and I am clear on that down to my core - not persuadable or playable. I didn't make anthing of this in the contact as I didn't need to .. it's one of my core principles now and I have the right to maintain it.

 

I did see the start of the usual "fishing" and "feel sorry for me" lines in their email but I was able to just laugh it off to myself good naturedlly.

 

After I'd done I'd done it and then closed it camly again (wishing them the best and genuinly meaning it) I went out to pick my daughter up with a sense of peace and acceptance.

 

Doing it proved to myself that they didn't have any magic power over me and were only a human being - not some special being with the power to manipulate my very thoughts and emotions.

 

In a way it removed this aura I'd built up around them.

 

I still miss them (you can't not miss someone who's been in your life for 15 years) but I now know they are just a human being .... with no special powers or control.

 

Missing them is natual and I'm ok with that ... letting them cloud your every thought and movement is not .. and that's the freedom I got from my contact.

 

I haven't needed to contact them since and know now that I can calmly maintain my ground if they do so.

 

So well done and glad it worked .... hope the demons are at rest and you can slowly begin to move on.

 

Closure ... you can't overrate it in my opinion.

 

Chris

:-)

 

Thank You, Yes I agree, closure is everything.

 

Don't get me wrong my heart still aches for him constantly and probably will for a very long time but I can now control my tears, my emotions and can concentrate on me.

 

I am just so relieved to be feeling a little more like ME again.

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I'm glad you're fine. I don't have PM privileges yet so don't worry, honestly. You've come out of it well all things considered. I hope things will be better at work for you now and you can focus a bit better. You're better off without the trouble and pain he brings you H4U.

 

I know there is still a long way to go but at least I feel like facing that future now, I even had a sandwich tonight!! Eating has been a serious problem for the last couple of weeks and I'm hoping I may even sleep tonight!

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moaningmyrtle

Even though I'm a BW, I have always felt that complete NC as at d-day is unrealistic. Assuming that the A is ending and the MM has decided to stay married (a fairly typical situation it seems), an abrupt NC seems to deny the OW closure and to my mind leave her quite up in the air not knowing for sure what's happened. I consider this cruel.

 

The thing is, it is difficult for a MM to act with integrity in this situation, which is of his own making. If he "throws the OW under the bus" in an abrupt manner, with no explanation, then that is just plain horrible treatment, and I'm sure any BW fully knows this. On the other hand if he repeatedly meets with the OW while telling her that he really will love her forever; and that he wishes things had been different; and that it is only for the kids etc, etc; then he is continuing to betray his wife when presumably he's promised her to stop.

 

Telling the OW what is going on in the marriage also represents a continuing betrayal. My suspicion is that a MM who does try to "let the OW down lightly" continues to put the spin on it he wants the OW to hear just, as he is almost certainly "spinning" in the same way to his BW.

 

It's a crap situation all round for everyone.

 

Anyway H4U I'm glad you've got some "closure". You might have up and down days (don't we all?) but hopefully you'll continue to move forward with your life.

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Even though I'm a BW, I have always felt that complete NC as at d-day is unrealistic. Assuming that the A is ending and the MM has decided to stay married (a fairly typical situation it seems), an abrupt NC seems to deny the OW closure and to my mind leave her quite up in the air not knowing for sure what's happened. I consider this cruel.

 

The thing is, it is difficult for a MM to act with integrity in this situation, which is of his own making. If he "throws the OW under the bus" in an abrupt manner, with no explanation, then that is just plain horrible treatment, and I'm sure any BW fully knows this. On the other hand if he repeatedly meets with the OW while telling her that he really will love her forever; and that he wishes things had been different; and that it is only for the kids etc, etc; then he is continuing to betray his wife when presumably he's promised her to stop.

 

Telling the OW what is going on in the marriage also represents a continuing betrayal. My suspicion is that a MM who does try to "let the OW down lightly" continues to put the spin on it he wants the OW to hear just, as he is almost certainly "spinning" in the same way to his BW.

 

It's a crap situation all round for everyone.

 

Anyway H4U I'm glad you've got some "closure". You might have up and down days (don't we all?) but hopefully you'll continue to move forward with your life.

 

MM, as a BW that means a lot.

He has tried to do the right thing by both of us and that is very hard for him. As I told his W, he is not a bad person but he got himself into a bad situation and hurt people that he truly does care about.

 

I won't tell his W about our conversation because it was for me, not him or her but for me.

 

This is what I have wanted for so long and now I have that closure I can and will move on and he can do what he has to do in his M to see if they can make it work without holding onto the guilt of never giving me closure.

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silverplanets
"throws the OW under the bus"

 

I like this .. captures exactly how it feels.

 

On the other hand if he repeatedly meets with the OW while telling her that he really will love her forever; and that he wishes things had been different; and that it is only for the kids etc, etc; then he is continuing to betray his wife when presumably he's promised her to stop.

 

Not sure I agree with this. Or rather, yes I agree that if he repeatedly meets to do this then it's not good. However, simple closure can be achieved by honesty - if he HAS decided to stay with wife then if he had any real love for the OW then he would be honest and free them up with no illusions. "I am sorry but my wife is more important to me than you" .. would basically do the trick :-)

 

 

 

My suspicion is that a MM who does try to "let the OW down lightly" continues to put the spin on it he wants the OW to hear just, as he is almost certainly "spinning" in the same way to his BW.

I agree with this totally .. most MM (or MW) would use it as a chance to spin .. and try and leave a door open ...

 

It's a crap situation all round for everyone.

 

Now ain't that the truth :-)

 

 

.....

 

When my original A with my MW ended (over 14 years ago) she came in after a weekend she was due to move in with me and told me that she'd couldn't leave him ... the reason she gave was that he was earning x per year and that this meant holidays etc which I just couldn't give her ...

 

I was crushed at that time ... even though I was a high earner I felt worthless (not able to give the person I loved what they wanted) and that I'd let them down.

 

5 years of NC later, when we were in touch and joking about it I got the truth - she was pregnant with his child at that time and that was the reason.

 

So I got my closure on that 5 years after the time. Sure would have helped my self confidence to have had the closure at the time ... sure I would have felt hurt and used but at least not worthless and unable to keep the one I loved.

 

 

So I tend to be less forgiving ... I think if they care anything for you they should give you honest closure .. even if it does reveal how you've been played.

 

Long time ago now though ... still makes me shudder to think of that lie though ...

 

Chris

:-)

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and although it took two years in one case...I was very glad that I could clearly see where my instincts were on target, and what situations made me lose my "grounding in reality".

 

Anyone who has had a relationship deserves to really understand why it didn't work...but not everyone can explain their choices in a coherent way. Many people don't even know why they make the choices they do!

 

If your conversation helped you clarify and move on great...but realize that you opened a door. Lovers who have been left always look for an opening.

Both you and he are lovers who have left...don't be surprised if he reaches out to you for his own closure at some point.

 

Everyone is grey in an affair once the affair is out in the open; no one, not even the betrayed spouse is completely absolved of any responsibility...even if it was only being blind to the change in their relationship.

 

I'm glad that you've come this far; good luck in the rest of your journey. And take it from me, every time you think of him, or get sad, or need to vent...you've got friends here who will help.

 

I've always been able to find help here...

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Crikey, this thread sends me all over the place.

 

I did not get closure at all. I still want it, and hate how my xMOM treated me after DDay.

 

But I am achieving a form of closure without his aid, which I guess is empowering.

 

Best to all those reading this thread still seeking closure, know it doesn't have to rely on someone else.

 

But boy it makes it more dealable with if you get it. Good luck H4U.

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Closure is a mythical thing; a new age term, a pretty unicorn....If his W finds out that you two talked, ( and if she is typical, she will),things will go downhill. The reason you feel good now is because you've had your "fix" from him. Don't be surprised, if in another month, you are feeling down, and just need to "clear a few more details with him, because things weren't clear last time."

 

Closure comes from within.

 

I'm sure he left a foot in the door just by the things you said in your post, telling you if his M doesn't work, there may be a future for you two, and that makes you feel validated. Happened with my H and the OW-then he stopped talking to her completely.

 

You know, it's good when you can lead a drama free life with integrity and honesty. Might be a tad boring for some, but it sure beats all this emotional trauma that seems to me we inflict on ourselves.

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silverplanets
I'm sure he left a foot in the door just by the things you said in your post, telling you if his M doesn't work, there may be a future for you two, and that makes you feel validated. Happened with my H and the OW-then he stopped talking to her completely.

 

I agree 99.9% of them will try to push your buttons with this hook. Mine did but by this time I had grieved, read and looked inside myself so much that I saw it for what it was - pure button pushing. And if you've de-actived the buttons it has no effect at all other than to affirm why they are no good for you.

 

You know, it's good when you can lead a drama free life with integrity and honesty. Might be a tad boring for some, but it sure beats all this emotional trauma that seems to me we inflict on ourselves.

 

Ain't that the truth :-) Funny thing is to exist in each second of life (alone or with somone) in total inner peace beats all the drama anyone can generate.

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Montclair0011
Closure is a mythical thing; a new age term, a pretty unicorn....If his W finds out that you two talked, ( and if she is typical, she will),things will go downhill. The reason you feel good now is because you've had your "fix" from him. Don't be surprised, if in another month, you are feeling down, and just need to "clear a few more details with him, because things weren't clear last time."

 

Closure comes from within.

 

I'm sure he left a foot in the door just by the things you said in your post, telling you if his M doesn't work, there may be a future for you two, and that makes you feel validated. Happened with my H and the OW-then he stopped talking to her completely.

 

You know, it's good when you can lead a drama free life with integrity and honesty. Might be a tad boring for some, but it sure beats all this emotional trauma that seems to me we inflict on ourselves.

 

 

I totally agree with this post. There is no closure, there is only a closed door, closed by the person who holds all the power and makes all the major decisions. You feel a bit better because you are knocking and someone says, "Whose there?" But no one is ever happy just standing at a door that will not open for them.

 

You have suffered major trauma and pain. Take care of yourself. It's a long, long road. I've been NC for 6 months now--actually a year, but I had some "closure" around the 6 month mark. I'm still miserable and miss him everyday, although I have a new, available boyfriend. I don't know when the pain and longing will stop. Some people heal faster than others.

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Hopeless4u, I am so happy you got some closure to this painful situation for you, whatever you percieve it to be!

 

You are a sweet soul and really respected the boundaries he placed around you, then got jerked back and forth in their marital reconciliation drama!

 

Based on reading your posts, I know you acted with integrity and you should be proud of yourself in how you handled all of it.

 

You told the truth when asked and always took the high road. You will never regret it.

 

Someday, when we are old and all alone, off to meet our Maker, or judgemnt day, or whatever you percieve the end to be, I have VOWED to myself to never regret the way I handled a painful situation. To always take the high road; to be the best person I can be.

 

You are truly a good person and deserve a good man who treats you with respect in your future. Look for him. You will find him.

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Can't wait to see your posts a year from now, when you've found a great single guy (who's been under your nose all this time), and you're having the time of your life dating him, taking classes that you've always wanted, traveling, etc....

 

Or happily single and doing all of the above!

 

It's a brandy new year: you are in good health, smart, fun, experienced, educated and don't need to be the player in a dramatic soap opera.

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Closure is a mythical thing; a new age term, a pretty unicorn....If his W finds out that you two talked, ( and if she is typical, she will),things will go downhill. The reason you feel good now is because you've had your "fix" from him. Don't be surprised, if in another month, you are feeling down, and just need to "clear a few more details with him, because things weren't clear last time."

 

Closure comes from within.

 

I'm sure he left a foot in the door just by the things you said in your post, telling you if his M doesn't work, there may be a future for you two, and that makes you feel validated. Happened with my H and the OW-then he stopped talking to her completely.

 

You know, it's good when you can lead a drama free life with integrity and honesty. Might be a tad boring for some, but it sure beats all this emotional trauma that seems to me we inflict on ourselves.

 

I agree with this post. I don't believe that we can ever get true closure from another person, only from within. Maybe they can provide some additional info, but the way we process it is our closure - not just their words.

 

H4U, I just hope his W doesn't find out about it. You both gave her your word, and both broke it. Both of you. But she isn't the issue here, you are.

 

I don't know what was said, but if it helped you, great. I don't think it will help in the long run, but I'm sure you feel it helped you in the short run. We'll see. If you find yourself having more and more and more questions that need to be answered, or him for that matter, we will then know that it didn't help and was detrimental to you and to him.

 

But good luck anyway.

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and although it took two years in one case...I was very glad that I could clearly see where my instincts were on target, and what situations made me lose my "grounding in reality".

 

Anyone who has had a relationship deserves to really understand why it didn't work...but not everyone can explain their choices in a coherent way. Many people don't even know why they make the choices they do!

 

If your conversation helped you clarify and move on great...but realize that you opened a door. Lovers who have been left always look for an opening.

Both you and he are lovers who have left...don't be surprised if he reaches out to you for his own closure at some point.

 

Everyone is grey in an affair once the affair is out in the open; no one, not even the betrayed spouse is completely absolved of any responsibility...even if it was only being blind to the change in their relationship.

 

I'm glad that you've come this far; good luck in the rest of your journey. And take it from me, every time you think of him, or get sad, or need to vent...you've got friends here who will help.

 

I've always been able to find help here...

 

This is very true, he has called since and I actually said to a friend I think he needed it as much as me.

 

I understand that this could open a door but only if I was prepared to go back to the A, I'm NOT.

 

As far as I'm concerned now HE is with HIS W and I am very SINGLE!!

 

Like I said this closure was for me and its done its job and I am now on the next level of 'healing', I know there is a long way to go, he is still on my mind 24/7 but I'm in control of my emotions now and that helps me think with my head and not my heart:)

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Crikey, this thread sends me all over the place.

 

I did not get closure at all. I still want it, and hate how my xMOM treated me after DDay.

 

But I am achieving a form of closure without his aid, which I guess is empowering.

 

Best to all those reading this thread still seeking closure, know it doesn't have to rely on someone else.

 

But boy it makes it more dealable with if you get it. Good luck H4U.

 

I do think the only way this kind of closure helps but you have to be sure you are strong enough to want it I guess.

 

It was very painful listening to some of what he said and very heart wrenching when I felt HIS pain. I know that no matter what he says to me I would never go back to him while he was M, even leaving his W isn't enough for me now. If we ever got together, which I don't think will happen but if we did he would have to be D.

 

I will except nothing less and as I'm 99.9% sure he'll never grow a pair of balls big enough to do that I can and will move on.

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Closure is a mythical thing; a new age term, a pretty unicorn....If his W finds out that you two talked, ( and if she is typical, she will),things will go downhill. The reason you feel good now is because you've had your "fix" from him. Don't be surprised, if in another month, you are feeling down, and just need to "clear a few more details with him, because things weren't clear last time."

 

Closure comes from within.

 

I'm sure he left a foot in the door just by the things you said in your post, telling you if his M doesn't work, there may be a future for you two, and that makes you feel validated. Happened with my H and the OW-then he stopped talking to her completely.

 

You know, it's good when you can lead a drama free life with integrity and honesty. Might be a tad boring for some, but it sure beats all this emotional trauma that seems to me we inflict on ourselves.

 

His W won't find out unless he tells her. This will not affect her, in fact it will probably help as he can now let go of me without worrying.

 

I have no desire to contact him, my questions have been answered and now that they have I can begin to heal properly.

 

He didn't say if his M didn't work we could be together, he actually said if it didn't work he would go off and be on his own for a while as he has never been alone, ever and if I was still single and still had feelings for him then who knows. He also said he doubted very much that I would be single and I agreed.

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Hopeless4u, I am so happy you got some closure to this painful situation for you, whatever you percieve it to be!

 

You are a sweet soul and really respected the boundaries he placed around you, then got jerked back and forth in their marital reconciliation drama!

 

Based on reading your posts, I know you acted with integrity and you should be proud of yourself in how you handled all of it.

 

You told the truth when asked and always took the high road. You will never regret it.

 

Someday, when we are old and all alone, off to meet our Maker, or judgemnt day, or whatever you percieve the end to be, I have VOWED to myself to never regret the way I handled a painful situation. To always take the high road; to be the best person I can be.

 

You are truly a good person and deserve a good man who treats you with respect in your future. Look for him. You will find him.

 

 

Thanks Spark, I do look back and think I did the right thing and after our talk I think it even more.

 

I know that I have a long way to go and I know I will have good and bad days but this really is the beginning of my healing.

 

Thanks for your good wishes they are warmly received.

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I totally agree with this post. There is no closure, there is only a closed door, closed by the person who holds all the power and makes all the major decisions. You feel a bit better because you are knocking and someone says, "Whose there?" But no one is ever happy just standing at a door that will not open for them.

 

You have suffered major trauma and pain. Take care of yourself. It's a long, long road. I've been NC for 6 months now--actually a year, but I had some "closure" around the 6 month mark. I'm still miserable and miss him everyday, although I have a new, available boyfriend. I don't know when the pain and longing will stop. Some people heal faster than others.

 

Believe me I know this is only the beginning but without this closure I couldn't even concentrate on my work let alone my life.

 

At least now I have control of my emotions and can see things clearly. I have already planned to go out with friends on Friday night and for the 1st time in weeks I want to go rather than being dragged!

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