thinking of the kids and really saddened by this

[kimmi]

I did a post last night in coping. ex dating married woman is the title.

 

I had a good sleep but then woke up feeling really bad. I know he is my ex and I should not care, I do not even know this woman but when we were hanging out all the time, She would email him things and I would comment on the as he did not care if I had seen it (pictures of silky nighty's) anways I told him he was doing wrong by seeing this chick and he claimed all the time that he was not seeing her.

 

Well he had went home for the holidays and I found out that they spent time together .. I am really bothered by this because this person has 2 young kids and a husband that waits for her at home. I feel that she is emotionally damaging 3 people that did nothing wrong to her. Her kids will suffer large from this . I really want to contact the husband and put a stop to this because it is not fair.. I never want to see my ex again, I have no desire to be around people that hurt others this way...

 

How can I continue without a care? How can I take these thoughts of these 2 people hurting others away from me. I feel sad thinking about it.

 

I have also went through this with my ex hubby but the only difference is that she never knew about me at all. My ex knows about him and the kids.

I can see the hurt in my kids I do not wish for anyone to go through this kind of pain more the young ones.

 

I also feel sick that I was with someone for so long (6 years) and I find out this is really the way that he is...

 

Please help in a direction that I can take.

[whichwayisup]

Somehow you have to let go .. He is your ex. It's not your place or business anymore to know what he's up to, who he's seeing and if you get involved, say something to him, he will get angry at you. No point in opening that door..

 

Delete him from your facebook, that way you won't check up on him..

 

He wasn't who you thought he was, so grieve that and try to live your life, keep busy and focus on your kids..Do a family trip, or even a weekend at a hotel in your City that has a pool..Could be alot of fun.

[Brokenlady]

Kimmi,

I recently discovered that my xH has been seeing a MW for some time. She has apparently seperated and very very recently filed for divorce, but I know my xH has been with her for nearly as long as she has been married. My xH and I have 2 kids, and so does this woman. I see the drama trainwreck coming.

 

Given the fact that I was an OW, I hardly have room to throw moral stones, nor would I. My concern really is how the inevitable explosion that's going to occur is going to affect my kids. They have already suffered somewhat due to my own involvement with a married partner. But the thing is, there's nothing I can do about it except try to keep things as cool as possible. She seems to be good to my kids when she's around them, and really I don't care who my xH is screwing so long as my kids are ok.

 

That being said, I think it's a REALLY bad idea for you to go to your ex's H. Sure you might succeed in breaking them up (but it's very doubtful), but you also unleash a beast you can't take back. Your M is over, so there's really no reason for you to want to simply break them up. Consider carefully how your kids will be affected. My advice is leave it alone and let them face the natural consequences of their action when they come to pass.

 

If your concern is truly about the children, and not a desire to exact revenge on or get back your xH, then surely you can see how stirring up drama is the exact opposite of what's best for them.

Edited January 5, 2010 by Brokenlady

[kimmi]

I have already said something to him about this ... Up until this point we were talking ... When I found out last night I was needless to say very shocked and I did a reaction to it. He is deleted from my face book and has been for a bit.

 

When him and I were together I would hear all kinds of things and I am mad now that I had defended him through out all of this.

 

He knows what my kids have been through and to think that he does not care enough after seeing this all hurts . I do not care if they are together. I really do care of what could happen to the little ones.

 

This is what is happening to my son , He is in a hospital setting care through the Gov , he has been there for 3 months due to him losing it and giving up, The last 3 months I have heard of his suicide attempts, bulling other kids, fighting, all kinds of things, we are all now going through a workshop together and it is al being reflected back to when he was younger (he is 14), he is starting to remember when his father would come and take them and they would go and visit the other woman. He is remembering the fights that we would get into...

 

I am sad that people do not see what this can do to kids and hurt that when they do know they be selfish and care about there needs first. This is not a little sad feeling this is coming from my heart, not my head.

 

I wish I was not told, I wish I could be ignorant to this but I feel like I am doing wrong by acting ignorant through my own personal experience.

[kimmi]

hi Brokenlady,

 

We were not married, The ex hubby is long over, This is the guy that I met after him . I do not really care about the relationship that they are having I care more about the people that have no say.

 

I did email both of them the exact email at the exact same time (addressed to both of them) and he did contact me after that . Whatever I told him to do what he wants but he is going to hurt other people .

 

I really do not want to care but I do and I have to learn how to subtract myself from him and his doings, His problem in the end not mine, her problem in the end also not mine.

 

But to get over the urge to interviene in this is overwhelming and when I think of it I shake.

[Brokenlady]

People filter everything through the lens of our personal experience. If you have already discussed your concern about the kids involved with him, then there's nothing else you can do. It sounds as though you do not have kids together (?), so if he's toxic for you, cut him out of your life.

 

I can see why this situation triggers you so much. I'm sure it brings back a lot of bad memories. But intervening isn't going to help anything here. As you well know - two people who want to have an affair will have an affair anyway, even after it is discovered. Something will happen, don't worry, but it doesn't have to be you. You don't have to shoulder this responsibility.

Edited January 5, 2010 by Brokenlady

[kimmi]

No we do not have any kids together,

Toxic yes that he has become ... Do you have any ideas on how to just not care about how this will hurt the little ones? I know I will care but how can I act blind to it all ?

[Brokenlady]

No we do not have any kids together,

Toxic yes that he has become ... Do you have any ideas on how to just not care about how this will hurt the little ones? I know I will care but how can I act blind to it all ?

 

It isn't about not caring. The fact is you don't KNOW for sure what's going to happen. Maybe they'll be blissfully unaware of the affair forever. Who knows? And who knows how they will react? It may be awful, it may be minimal, we just don't know for sure. What you have to let go of is this idea that you have to and should exert some control over it. Right now, those kids are happily unaware of what's going on. Do you want to be the reason that's shattered one day sooner than fate has decreed?

 

Your body is trying to tell you something powerful when you find yourself shaking at the thought of intervening. Listen to your body.

Edited January 5, 2010 by Brokenlady

[whichwayisup]

Your body is trying to tell you something powerful when you find yourself shaking at the thought of intervening. Listen to your body.

 

Totally agree here. Your body IS telling you NOT to get involved, it's just not your place to.. It's wrong.

 

I'm abit confused, when you say the kids, are you talking about YOUR kids, or this MW's kids? Or your ex's kids? I guess what I'm asking is, are your kids going to be affected by this? Do they still see and spend time with your ex?

[kimmi]

Thank you, You are very right here.

I hope the kids never find out about this however it is beyond me now, It is there fate.

 

I love kids but I can not save them all from the world. I am starting to have a feeling that this news to me is a reaction towards my own child.

 

I wish them luck and move on from here and stay clear of him forsure.

 

Thank you again for opening my one closed eye.

[Brokenlady]

Thank you, You are very right here.

I hope the kids never find out about this however it is beyond me now, It is there fate.

 

I love kids but I can not save them all from the world. I am starting to have a feeling that this news to me is a reaction towards my own child.

 

I wish them luck and move on from here and stay clear of him forsure.

 

Thank you again for opening my one closed eye.

 

That could definitely explain why you are having a very deep reaction to this news. I'm sorry you're going through this. (((hugs)))

[kimmi]

I'm abit confused, when you say the kids, are you talking about YOUR kids, or this MW's kids? Or your ex's kids? I guess what I'm asking is, are your kids going to be affected by this? Do they still see and spend time with your ex?

 

It is the OW kids. My kids will not be effected by this as I have nothing to do with him. When I found out I told him that I can not see/talk or have anything to do with someone that has to do with wrecking a home ... My son and daughter are close to him and like to see him ... So to explain that he is not coming around anymore will be a bit hard ... But I can think of something, say he is out of town working or something ...

[kimmi]

I had a bit of a hard day yesterday but vented out a lot of things through out the day.. Everyone I talked to said something different .. But In the end of the day and through out the night I thought , They are not my kids and I should really just worry about my kids, I can not control what they are and how they act .. I do not have to agree with this type of actions and that should just make me never talk to him again ..

I did send a email to him and told him how I felt about it and to never contact me again as he is not at all the person I thought that he was, I told him that I should have seen this before however I was blinded and did not want to admit that he would ever do this. I did not tell him off and I was respectful in the email. The end I just requested that he never try's to contact me again ..

I never knew the kind of support I would have through this, even his cousin has called me to say that he is a idiot and I should lose him now and fast.

My son did call last night and it was hard talking to him because I was afraid that he would ask for him (somehow he senced something wrong and asked me to reconsider being with him anymore, that he was always scared to say to say the truth in fear of hurting me) WOW that shocked me..

As well apparently when we were together he was also talking to a mutual friend telling him that he wanted to move in there house with the with her and the kids .. That he was going out there to get her and bring her back here with him .. I can say right now I do not trust .. twice in a row this has happened .. Twice in a row I felt lost and distroyed .. I am now thinking that maybe I might be to forgiving and to blinded when being with someone. Right now I am scared that my trust issues will live with me forever ...

 

But today is a new day and I am letting him go and moving on in my life. I wish there was a magic button that can make me forget this has ever happened but no such luck..