nc no more.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

so i was back to work today after a few weeks vacay.

 

its been a very eventful few weeks. H is out of the house, but we're communicating, talking, working through this. i am starting to feel that we're better as friends than as spouses, but not ready to make that call yet. regardless, the drama and tears have stopped between us and things are ok. i feel we might end up finding that we're better off not together, if thats the conclusion we come to i will of course be sad but not carry the guilt of secretly loving someone else (even though i dont really feel that i love that someone else either). he really is a great guy. i want him to be happy, whether its with me or with someone else.

 

xMM was at work today. and tried to talk to me like so many times before. i obliged a little. he seemed to be extremely curious about my life. asking about H, details about how MC was going, sex was going, how i felt about it. i didnt answer any of his questions. i felt uncomfortable about it. he talked about his W some but honestly i just dont want to know about it. he implied that they were unhappy. im convinced he will never leave so to me i could care less if theyre happy or not. (and i dont think i would want him if he did leave) the bottom line is theyre together and thats all that matters.

 

so i talked to him but after so long it didnt feel the same. it felt just bland, like talking to anyone else. i thought i would feel sad about this but left the conversation ok. indifferent, it was like talking to anyone else at work. sort of how i felt on christmas, the thought crossed my mind but didnt have feelings attached one way or the other, i didnt miss him.

 

i do wonder why hes still wanting to talk to me. im glad i allowed the conversation because i secretly was wondering if there was some giant thing that he needed to tell me, but no, seems he just wanted to chat.

 

i no longer fear speaking to him, but wouldnt initiate it on my own.

does anyone have any guesses on what hes trying to accomplish or why hes so curious about my life?

[Heather1]

He still cares about you.

 

You're making moves I wish I could make. That's probably what he's thinking too. So he & I are both wimps! And you're strong & moving on with your life. Thank you for posting all this stuff.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i had to move on. being in love with him pulled me down.

 

but its scary to me. a few months of lc, then a month of nc and he doesnt give me those butterflies anymore. and for years i was SURE he wasnt something that i couldnt live without and could never find again.

 

the truth is that no, my H doesnt make me feel that way, but its not because xMM is the only one who could. this isnt about xmm. this is about me, and what im missing in life.

 

for so long i put so much into the person, not the feelings. i now think it wasnt him all along, it was that connection.

[alphamale]

i do wonder why hes still wanting to talk to me.

because he wants sex

[Heather1]

OK, that is true & kinda funny. Here we W log on every night....pinning, analyzing, supporting, and yeah, slamming each other & AM sums it up in 4 words that are the truest thing on here!

 

Yeah, I want sex too, but my OM is a dufus for not figuring out why my clothes come off....so I'm feeling pretty done.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I agree! If we both werent married, and there were no feelings involved or no strings attached and i could walk away and never look back I'd do him in a heartbeat. He was awesome in bed. If i could just have sex with him (and we were both single) I would go for it! I want sex too.

[pureinheart]

because he wants sex

 

Priddy much it and sums it up....tells the story....bottom freaking line....motivating factor....

 

You know AM you've always been real, cut to the chase kinda guy...thanks for the reality, love you guys that tell it the way it is...

 

My reply is not meant to offend the OP at all, it's the truth I have had to live with all of my life.....

[OpenBook]

Priddy much it and sums it up....tells the story....bottom freaking line....motivating factor....

 

Yup. And it's not just xMM's - I believe ALL men are like this. What differentiates them from each other is how they treat us as they are trying to obtain it.

 

BEG I'm glad you're in a better place now, and clear-eyed about it all. Your H sounds like a gem, I hope you realize men like him are very few and far between.

[Spark1111]

i had to move on. being in love with him pulled me down.

 

but its scary to me. a few months of lc, then a month of nc and he doesnt give me those butterflies anymore. and for years i was SURE he wasnt something that i couldnt live without and could never find again.

 

the truth is that no, my H doesnt make me feel that way, but its not because xMM is the only one who could. this isnt about xmm. this is about me, and what im missing in life.

 

for so long i put so much into the person, not the feelings. i now think it wasnt him all along, it was that connection.

 

MBEG, this is a profound statement!

 

You are learning about yourself, introspecting, and growing as a person.

 

That takes a lot of courage to do. So many do not and they spend years, just years of their life pining away for what they cannot have.

 

I may get flamed here, but I DO believe that the reason 95 percent of all affairs do not succeed as long term relationships is that the unhappiness does lie within, and no one person can fix that except YOU, not your affair partner, your spouse, your family or friends.

 

You are doing some really hard work here. Good luck to you.

[jennie-jennie]

i had to move on. being in love with him pulled me down.

 

but its scary to me. a few months of lc, then a month of nc and he doesnt give me those butterflies anymore. and for years i was SURE he wasnt something that i couldnt live without and could never find again.

the truth is that no, my H doesnt make me feel that way, but its not because xMM is the only one who could. this isnt about xmm. this is about me, and what im missing in life.

for so long i put so much into the person, not the feelings. i now think it wasnt him all along, it was that connection.

 

The bolded part here interests me. It is often said that the MP should leave the marriage not because of the AP, but because the marriage has failed. Has not in fact the marriage failed when the MP has found a new and deeper love outside the marriage? When that kind of love was not experienced within the M?

 

Going back to the M after having experienced this looks to me like settling. All over LS we see MP back in their marriage struggling to find there what they experienced outside it. It ain't gonna happen if you ask me. If that potential had been there, the affair would not have been necessary in the first place.

[anne1707]

The bolded part here interests me. It is often said that the MP should leave the marriage not because of the AP, but because the marriage has failed. Has not in fact the marriage failed when the MP has found a new and deeper love outside the marriage? When that kind of love was not experienced within the M?

 

Going back to the M after having experienced this looks to me like settling. All over LS we see MP back in their marriage struggling to find there what they experienced outside it. It ain't gonna happen if you ask me. If that potential had been there, the affair would not have been necessary in the first place.

 

 

Well it seems to me that MBEG is talking of leaving her marriage because the marriage is over and this is now nothing to do with the affair. And she is right to do this if this is how she feels.

 

As for your second paragraph, I have gone back to my marriage and have definitely not settled. What I have with my husband is real, lasting love. What I had with the ex-OM was not real no matter what I might have thought/felt at the time. If the love in the affair is that strong, then why do so many choose to stay with their spouse? This argument does not stack up.

 

J-J - I suspect you may think that I have a problem with OW/OM (as a "reformed WS" which I think is the way it has been described here on LS). If I have a problem with anybody in the affair, it is the WS - because I know as a former WS, how I lied to both my H and the ex-OM and how I manipulated the situation to eat my cake. This is what WS do and no matter what is said, they are doing something which will hurt others. With regard to OW/OM, I have no problems at all. They are often just as used and abused by the WS as the BS is.

 

I do however have problems with people who are involved in affairs and show absolutely no concern/regard whatsoever for the innocent BS and may even sometimes act as if they are superior to the BS in some way. No matter what is said and done in the marriage, the BS is the innocent victim in the affair. They did not choose for it to happen and it will cause them immense pain when it is discovered.

[Crazyforhim]

The bolded part here interests me. It is often said that the MP should leave the marriage not because of the AP, but because the marriage has failed. Has not in fact the marriage failed when the MP has found a new and deeper love outside the marriage? When that kind of love was not experienced within the M?

 

Going back to the M after having experienced this looks to me like settling. All over LS we see MP back in their marriage struggling to find there what they experienced outside it. It ain't gonna happen if you ask me. If that potential had been there, the affair would not have been necessary in the first place.

 

I agree with JJ - once you experience the feelings outside and decide to go back, sometimes you are never satisfied and just settle for the comfort the M brings. If those feelings were there to begin with, the A would more than likely never have happened.

[Crazyforhim]

BEG, glad to hear things are going well. I understand the thing with your H - granted it's hard to move on sometimes and accept the end of the marriage, but you probably know it will be almost impossible to give him 100% given the connection you have felt during the A.

[jennie-jennie]

Your H sounds like a gem, I hope you realize men like him are very few and far between.

 

LOL That is why I stick to my MM: because I realize that "men like him are very few and far between"! It is not always the husband that is of high quality. In my case it is the MM.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

honestly, i am torn. i was very happy in my marriage. through IC i really believe that the A started because of my insecurities as a woman, some daddy issues (i dont have one), and because of how i felt in my job. he was my superior at work...built me up and made me feel as if i did a great job and respected me for it.

 

i agree with what the others have said. now that ive experienced this other sort of love what i had in my M doesnt compare. not that i dont love him. not that i couldnt be happy for him. i just fear that i would spend forever wishing i had that something more. what im truly hoping is that this time apart will allow us to find that spark again. at times i feel it.

 

and xmm. i still feel that way about him. that what we had was that amazing whatever it is that fairytales are made of. BUT...i dont trust him anymore or respect him anymore since ive seen his actions after dday. he hurt me. hurt me so deeply that i could never forgive or forget. i couldnt imagine having sex with a person who has made me feel this way over the last few months.

 

so what most of you are saying, i think its true. its hard to go back and settle just for comfort once youve found something truly amazing.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

so any thoughts on what hes trying to accomplish by talking? friendship, is he snooping into my life? i didnt get the impression it was an attempt to start things up or anything of the sort. if it was that, it would be simple.

[reboot]

I don't understand why you aren't highly insulted by his prying into your life.

 

Yes, he's snooping, gauging your interest. You have to be careful trusting the motives of even nice guys, and this is not a nice guy.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

yes i was insulted!!! like who are you to ask about MY marriage or MY life or MY sex life. didnt care about any of that when you threw me under that bus!

[jennie-jennie]

As for your second paragraph, I have gone back to my marriage and have definitely not settled. What I have with my husband is real, lasting love. What I had with the ex-OM was not real no matter what I might have thought/felt at the time. If the love in the affair is that strong, then why do so many choose to stay with their spouse? This argument does not stack up.

 

Sorry, Anne, but after having read your old threads, it is obvious that your OM was not an option for you. In fact with the quickness with which your OM moved on to another MW, I am inclined to agree with you that the love you two had was inferior to the love you and your husband have. So your case can not be used as an example of not settling.

 

About your last question above, I would say that a lot of WS stay with their spouses because there is more to it than just love. That is the reason they are indecisive in the first place.

Edited January 5, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Spark1111]

MBEG, A VERY COMMON SCENARIO:

 

MM gets caught, his whole world crashes down on his head, and he desperately tries to reconcile with the wife, which usually means throwing the AP under the bus.

 

Once things begin to settle down at home, he then reinitiates some harmless friendly form of contact with the AP to gauge whether or not the AP is still interested.

 

It's all over LS.

 

He is trying deperately to go back to the way things were: Wife, family, home-life and passionate fantasy AP on the side. That scenario filled all of his needs.

 

Why? Because it makes HIM feel good.

 

RUN! His confusion is still great. And he misses the admiration he saw in your eyes during the affair. Do you think his spouse is, especially NOW, looking at him with admiration??????

 

He misses your approval, not necessarily YOU.

 

If he missed and cared for you and your feelings, why initiate contact with you at all? Except now, that you are separated, he could see you more often? It would be MORE convenient for him?

 

PULLEAZE!

[anne1707]

Jennie-Jennie

 

You have no idea how intense my affair was as I have not posted that kind of detail on here and never will. My posts have been based on the fallout from the affair when everything goes into complete meltdown. Who really knows what will happen with your affair if/when your MM decides that he wants to end it and make his marriage work. Maybe he will then throw you under the bus too. You just don't know - no matter how good it might feel now, things can change very quickly. After all, isn't that exactly what has happened to MBEG yet you do not say to her that what she and the ex-MM had was not good.

 

The difference is that I am out of all that mess now and I can see it for what it all was. Just as MBEG is beginning to see how things really are.

[donnamaybe]

The bolded part here interests me. It is often said that the MP should leave the marriage not because of the AP, but because the marriage has failed. Has not in fact the marriage failed when the MP has found a new and deeper love outside the marriage? When that kind of love was not experienced within the M?

 

Let's not confuse sex with love here.

 

NEW and/or "hidden" or "forbidden" sex is exciting, but that doesn't mean it's "love."

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie-Jennie

 

You have no idea how intense my affair was as I have not posted that kind of detail on here and never will. My posts have been based on the fallout from the affair when everything goes into complete meltdown. Who really knows what will happen with your affair if/when your MM decides that he wants to end it and make his marriage work. Maybe he will then throw you under the bus too. You just don't know - no matter how good it might feel now, things can change very quickly. After all, isn't that exactly what has happened to MBEG yet you do not say to her that what she and the ex-MM had was not good.

 

The difference is that I am out of all that mess now and I can see it for what it all was. Just as MBEG is beginning to see how things really are.

 

My post was also based on the fallout from your affair.

 

Of course I am very aware of the possibility that my MM will throw me under the bus when that day comes. We have been discussing that possibility for a year now. I see it as a common pattern of MM, and believe (but can't be sure of course) that I because of that am better prepared when that day comes to not take it personal. My MM is unusual in the way that he is very open to discussions about emotions and relationships, so we have an open discussion about extramarital relationships, both our own and in general.

 

I am not saying the same thing to MBEG as to you, because I do not think her scenario is at all the same as yours. She has been hurt and lost her trust to her MM because of what happened at Dday and after, but she has not changed her opinion about the love she experienced and that she wants to experience that again.

 

Anne, you were yourself saying that what you had with your OM was not real. I was only picking up on that.

[jennie-jennie]

Let's not confuse sex with love here.

 

NEW and/or "hidden" or "forbidden" sex is exciting, but that doesn't mean it's "love."

 

Sorry if you are confused. I'm not.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

JJ & Anne - what i had with him most definitely was real. no questions about it. what i didnt know was how he would react when faced with a dday. that experience has changed how i view him as a person. not the feelings we had for each other. i was able to see a side of him that i didnt know existed (although i admit there were signs from time to time during the A).

 

spark - I agree. this whole thing is about HIM. he did what he did to save HIS behind after dday. he wasnt thinking about me or how his actions could hurt me. he only cared about saving himself.

 

he didnt care about being a friend to me when I needed it. now only when it benefits HIM does he show interest. Hes invested in saving HIS marriage so that he doesnt lose out in life, but has little to no regard for what OUR actions did to my marriage and my life.

 

and then when he pretty much told me to forget him and go NC he didnt care how that would hurt me. just like he still doesnt care that breaking that NC could potentially cause more hurt for me.

 

hes not even thinking of his wife during his reconciliation. hes thinking of saving his behind yet again. hes not happy. he still thinks of me. he is miserable during the attempt at reconciliation (which ive heard that she may be divorcing him). hes still thinking of only himself and what HE has to go through by dealing with her tears and drama.

 

HIM, HIM, HIM.