confusedNC2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I have been married 2 1/2 years and my wife and I have not had sex in almost a year. We're just not compatible that way. We make great "roommates" and "love" eachother, but there is no passion. A year ago I met a woman. We became great friends and over time developed great feelings for one another. Each month in the past year has been a new chapter: friends, to great friends, to best friends, to holding hands, kiss on the cheek, kiss on the lips, making out, amazing sex, and now...we don't want to be apart. She has separated from her husband of 3years and says she will not ask me to leave my wife, that she's getting divorced regardless of what I do because she was so unhappy. She says she wants to be with me and talks about having kids together in the future. It's time for me to decide. Stay in a marriage that is convenient "good roommate" type marriage. Or go all in with my best friend and test the waters of divorce/new relationship with my love. I'm torn on leaving what I know is safe, for the great unknown.... thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
crystal_lostheart Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I have been married 2 1/2 years and my wife and I have not had sex in almost a year. We're just not compatible that way. We make great "roommates" and "love" eachother, but there is no passion. A year ago I met a woman. We became great friends and over time developed great feelings for one another. Each month in the past year has been a new chapter: friends, to great friends, to best friends, to holding hands, kiss on the cheek, kiss on the lips, making out, amazing sex, and now...we don't want to be apart. She has separated from her husband of 3years and says she will not ask me to leave my wife, that she's getting divorced regardless of what I do because she was so unhappy. She says she wants to be with me and talks about having kids together in the future. It's time for me to decide. Stay in a marriage that is convenient "good roommate" type marriage. Or go all in with my best friend and test the waters of divorce/new relationship with my love. I'm torn on leaving what I know is safe, for the great unknown.... thoughts? Whatever you decide, don't keep people hanging. MM did that to me and just hurt everyone involved to the point so much damage was done to ALL relationships involved. An A is a very painful situation... Remember that. Stop the A and maybe have some time to yourself away from everyone to decide what it is you want. But in the meantime let your OW continue on with her life and accept the fact that she may move on without you. Let her also think about if this is what she really wants. Don't be like other MM when NC happens and 'pull on heart strings' when you should be having space. Just remember nobody wins in an A. Hopefully you start doing the right thing and consider not only YOUR feelings here but everyone else's as well. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I have been married 2 1/2 years and my wife and I have not had sex in almost a year. We're just not compatible that way. We make great "roommates" and "love" eachother, but there is no passion. A year ago I met a woman. We became great friends and over time developed great feelings for one another. Each month in the past year has been a new chapter: friends, to great friends, to best friends, to holding hands, kiss on the cheek, kiss on the lips, making out, amazing sex, and now...we don't want to be apart. She has separated from her husband of 3years and says she will not ask me to leave my wife, that she's getting divorced regardless of what I do because she was so unhappy. She says she wants to be with me and talks about having kids together in the future. It's time for me to decide. Stay in a marriage that is convenient "good roommate" type marriage. Or go all in with my best friend and test the waters of divorce/new relationship with my love. I'm torn on leaving what I know is safe, for the great unknown.... thoughts? No pain, no glory.....man up and bust the move! Link to post Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I have been married 2 1/2 years and my wife and I have not had sex in almost a year. We're just not compatible that way. We make great "roommates" and "love" eachother, but there is no passion. A year ago I met a woman. We became great friends and over time developed great feelings for one another. Each month in the past year has been a new chapter: friends, to great friends, to best friends, to holding hands, kiss on the cheek, kiss on the lips, making out, amazing sex, and now...we don't want to be apart. She has separated from her husband of 3years and says she will not ask me to leave my wife, that she's getting divorced regardless of what I do because she was so unhappy. She says she wants to be with me and talks about having kids together in the future. It's time for me to decide. Stay in a marriage that is convenient "good roommate" type marriage. Or go all in with my best friend and test the waters of divorce/new relationship with my love. I'm torn on leaving what I know is safe, for the great unknown.... thoughts? I see you have literally just joined. We have had a couple of "troll-like" posters in the last few hours who seem to have been deleted or something by the mods. I don't believe that affairs are the way to go - they are simply too damaging for all parties. You are right you need to decide and to get some honesty into the lives of the 3 of you. If you try to build a life with your OW then you will probably want to base that on honesty rather than a foundation of lies an deceit from your marriage. The first step is to decide whether or not you want to stay married. If so then you need to also decide whether or not to continue with the affair. if you do it will probably get progressively more miserable for your OW and probably you. There may or may not be a d-day but continuing in an A indefinitely can be soul destroying for the participants. If you decide to stay married and end the A then you will go through a difficult period of grieving but if you don't take steps to heal the marriage you will likely end up in a cycle. If you deiced you want out of your marriage then you need to tell your wife. She may well want you not to give up on it so easily and so you will probably have a difficult time there too especially if you keep the oW on the side while you try (or pretend to try) to fix your marriage. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Sh$t or get off the pot. Link to post Share on other sites
her_halo_slipped Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Definitive advice.....uh...uh....however....remember.... Sometimes.... "You don't know what you've got till it's gone!" and then there's this " Man cannot traverse great unknown oceans if he never has the courage to lose sight of the shore" Good luck. Only you know which way your heart and head can take you. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 I'm torn on leaving what I know is safe, for the great unknown.... thoughts? These things are seldom as straightforward as they seem. People embark on As for a reason, and until you understand the reason, you will not be able to make a solid, sustainable decision. If something was lacking - either within yourself or within your M - you need to be sure that you have some source into the future for that missing something - either within yourself, or in your new R. Also, anything that you value in your current M (or the social structures surrounding it - extended family, marital friends, etc that may be impacted should you leave the M) you need to be sure you can have in your future - either within yourself, or from elsewhere (friends, colleagues, activities, your new R, whatever). If there is something which is important to you (love, affection, respect, passion, affirmation, etc) which you cannot be sure about into either future (staying M, or leaving the M) then you will not be able to make a decision either way, and will remain trapped and unable to commit to either. While some people are able to come to understand these issues - what really matters to them, that they need - through reading or through discussions with friends, most people can benefit from the objective and professional input of a counsellor. It's not a decision to take lightly, and chances are that someone - or everyone - will get hurt in the process. So... it needs to be the best decision, one you can live with and feel affirmed by, not only now but years into the future. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Interesting. You met a woman a year ago, and you haven't had sex with your wife in almost a year. Sounds to me (from your post) that your marital problems and distance started after you met this woman. In any event, do what you want. Totally unfair to keep your wife hanging on if you have these feelings for someone else. Totally agree w/Sh*t or get off the pot. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Forgive me if this sounds just too easy. You've been cheating for nearly half your marriage, and it's not a long marriage at that. You have no kids together. I'm honestly not seeing why you're still married. HALF your marriage is a total lie. If you are truly just roomates with your wife, and not sexually compatible- why did you get married in the first place? Probably not the right reasons, and that's not all that atypical for someone fairly young (forgive the presumption). Let your wife go and figure out what you really want from life. I have no idea if OW is IT, but you already know your wife is not for you. If you had a longer history or a more solid foundation to begin with, I'd suggest you give a good try with your wife, but given what you've written here, that sounds pretty pointless. What has kept you in the marriage for the last year? Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Interesting. You met a woman a year ago, and you haven't had sex with your wife in almost a year. Sounds to me (from your post) that your marital problems and distance started after you met this woman. Took the words right out of my mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Since it seems you aren't inlove with your wife anymore, please do her (and yourself) a favour and get divorced. Do it quickly and as painlessly as possible, this way your wife can grieve and heal, go on with her life, find a man who is going to love her, respect her and not give up on her, go cheat on her when the going gets tough.. Just give yourself TIME ALONE before continuing with the married other woman. Right now you are in total affairyland, affair relationship mode - ALL built on lies, secrets, hidden away from friends and family. You both have cheated and betrayed your spouses, not a health way to start a "new life" together. Trust IS going to be an issue, I mean BOTH of you said vows to your spouses and ended up cheating on them. Anyway, whatever you decide to do, get some counselling first to help you with this. I am glad no children are involved here (or does the other woman have kids with her husband?) atleast in your marriage.. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Then DECIDE, don't muck around and dabble with two women, so not fair to anyone. If you've been reading in this section, surely you can see how much pain and heartache it causes for all involved. Quoted from your above post. "I'm torn on leaving what I know is safe, for the great unknown.... thoughts?" OK>...here we go, torn you say, well if you continue doing what you are doing, you will feel a lot more torn and maybe ripped apart and as for your W and the OW, well they are going to feel torn and ripped apart more than you. Quoted from your above post. " test the waters", you've already tested the waters, either find your gonads and jump in and swim or get the hell out. It's that simple! Ditto above and ditto below Since it seems you aren't inlove with your wife anymore, please do her (and yourself) a favour and get divorced. Do it quickly and as painlessly as possible, this way your wife can grieve and heal, go on with her life, find a man who is going to love her, respect her and not give up on her, go cheat on her when the going gets tough.. Just give yourself TIME ALONE before continuing with the married other woman. Right now you are in total affairyland, affair relationship mode - ALL built on lies, secrets, hidden away from friends and family. You both have cheated and betrayed your spouses, not a health way to start a "new life" together. Trust IS going to be an issue, I mean BOTH of you said vows to your spouses and ended up cheating on them. Anyway, whatever you decide to do, get some counselling first to help you with this. I am glad no children are involved here (or does the other woman have kids with her husband?) atleast in your marriage.. Also remember, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Why not tell your wife what is going on and then tell your mistress that until you are divorced, you want some time and space to figure out if you and her have a future? Link to post Share on other sites
silverplanets Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 Can I be honest? You don't deserve either of them - and I say this with no malice. You've not had the decency to sit down and leave your wife BEFORE starting a new relationship - and you've not had the decency to tell your new woman (as soon as you realised you were in love with her) that you were in love with her but respected her enough that you needed to end your marriage first. You've been seeing how it goes .. haven't you..... working it all out whilst not letting your wife have the decency of knowing the truth. And before anyone flames me I've been on both sides of this fence ... and I'm honest (and self analysed) enough to admit that there was a time I did this. I can also see that it actually meant I respected neither person. You are causing real emotional damage mate - to your wife definately and to this other woman. What should you do? 1) Set the other woman free whilst you sort your life out .. but set her free properly .. none of this "I'm going to get divorced and then be with you .. will you wait crap" ... Be honest ... "I think i might want to get divorced but i'm not sure. Either way I haven't told my wife anything about getting divorced yet and she has no CLUE I want a divorce. I'm probably too much of a coward to admit to an affair so I will go to conselling with her etc and let her feel that there is no other person , so this will take time, and I might well decide to stay anyway. I don;'t know yet, as whlist you have been preceeding with your divorce I have done nothing. Your are about 3 years ahead of my position and so I cannot offer you anything at present" 2) TAke at least 1 month with NO CONTACT with your OW and then after that go to some counselling (on your own) and work out how you feel about your marriage 3) Then decide what you want to do next And please, no victim mentality ... you were man enough to get into the A, but not man enough to immediately start a divorce. Don't compound it by not being man enough to show respect to all involved as human beings. Other than that - good luck. We can all get ourselves into these situations and sometimes we slide rather than jump in .. but once in, and once we've woken up to it (as you appear to have) then what we do shows the real character inside us. You're wife and the OW only have a fixed amount of time on this planet ... don't waste any more of their time please. Set them free whilst you sort yourself out. Chris :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 You need to decide what if you are ready to leave your marriage on the merits of the marriage not because you have a back up plan. You should not ever leave "for someone else". You need to leave for you. What is best for your life? Leading on two women is not fair to anyone. Buck up and figure out what want. Link to post Share on other sites
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