student in love with married man via the web

[Susie1]

*sorry its a bit long* I've fallen for someone I never thought I would look at twice. My usual type is the young, fit 'emo' like older teen. for the last (9months tomorrow) I've been cyber-dating this man who is 18 years older than me. Not only that, he is married with two kids. He tells me he is not in love with his wife, but loves his children so.

For the first several months, I tried so hard to get him to try with his wife, I knew it was wrong and I'm only a student. But he sways me away from thinking about his wife. And makes me feel more loves than I have before (i know-bleeegh xD) He says when I finish uni he wants to meet me, to move in. for he is not ready to divorce now. For the first 6 months, yes its had some ups and downs, but he seemed (and he told me many times) he was faithful to me and he loved me. He came on frequently to chat about anything. For years I've just been used in one way or another, my brains, my looks anything they could find. But he made me feel great. But the last 3 months have been edgey.

My freind, found out 4 months back, and was angered. I'm ppretty sure he sent him hate mail etc. And even though I've put up better security on my pc and my freind lost interest (my freinds a bit wierd..*short attention span*) He comes on less and less and is starting to lie to me. I've caught him out a couple times with his lies, and he promised not to do it anymore. He also says there isn't anyone else. But on his Skype *which he set up for soley talking to me* he has a romantic PM, but now he has 30 or so contacts who also see this message. he says he blocks them most of the time, but then I think, he would block me also.

I know his has a thing for looking up attractive , crazed girls on art websites (how he met me...) And it's making me paranoid.. I know it was wrong to even start in the first place. I tried hard to resist and even tried to put him on the right track, but dragged myself into it all. I still feel so guilty for his wife, but I really love him. I don't know what to do. After I finish university I don't have much going for me. My parents are refusing to let me take masters, and they want me to marry a complete stranger nad have the terrible life they had. I haven't got enough money to get out of it or the courage. I guess it was as if he was my way out. He was well off I guess, but that diddn't really matter to me. We both feel that I'll be fine with the kids. But he wants the kids 24/7 and can't take them away from his wife. I really am confused. *sorry for this making no sense*

I know I know. get out of it while I can. But he is coming (if I'm lucky) once a week for about 10 minutes at the stupidiest of times where as before he cam on everyday for hours. And I feel it's far too late. I've tried almost sucessful 4 times to get out of it, but he came at the last seconds and made me melt again. I really don't know what I should do anymore, It's driving me crazy, nor Do I know what's going on. The thought of him fgoing off with some other girl would kill me- but if it was back with his wife, I'll still feel horrible, but it's better right? even though he says she never was his type,only married her because she was clingy and easy to please. But for about a year now (they've been married 5 years) they've not been sexual active at alll and he doesn't feel like it anymore apparantly.

oh deary me my head.... I dont even know what you guys should answer. Type what you like... *happy new year....*

[whichwayisup]

HE is lying to you. I can promise you that, and I'd bet my life on it too.

 

Whatever you feel for him may feel real to you, but it's ALL based on words, what he says to you, on a screen. Fantasy and he makes you feel good, makes you heart sing. The thing is, it's doing damage to you, preventing you from living, preventing you from meeting other guys, going on dates, having real (life) face to face relationships.

 

This guy is OLDER than you and should know better, but unfortunately, he's a selfish sleeze-bag, leading you on and getting something out of it.

 

You are young, beautiful and deserve much more than this! HE cannot give that to you because he's married, has kids and a life built with someone else.

 

Try your best to stop contact with him, end it and let go.. If you don't, this will mess you up even more as time goes on.

 

Please, take time to read other threads in this section, and also in the infidelity section to see the other side of it.. Think of his wife (even though he isn't you should!) imagine how she is going to feel. Imagine her finding out and confronting you. Showing up at your door, telling your parents what you and her husband have been doing.. Or finding out who you are and calling. You're helping this guy mess up his family life and I don't think you've thought of that, all the damage, all the consquences that follow.

 

Good luck, keep posting and please, end it. This guy is such a tool and not worth pursuing!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Online MM rarely, if ever have just one OW. Just sayin'.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Agreed with the other posters here. You deserve better, someone to love you only. He sounds a bit creepy to me and seems to be manipulating you to get what he wants. Don't waste your time on this because it will cause you mostly pain.

 

I know how hard it is, I really do. Its not as easy to do as it sounds. You love him and love is a big deal and to you its very real and to end a relationship where love is involved requires grieving. Its not fun. It sucks actually. End it, lean on friends, family if you can, and keep posting here. Don't fall for anymore games.

[outofthedark]

"But for about a year now (they've been married 5 years) they've not been sexual active at alll and he doesn't feel like it anymore apparantly."

 

Not many men refuse sex. Even if he doesnt "feel" like it those urges arise. He wakes up with her at least once in a while having morning wood I'm sure. Warm body next to him, erection, soft skin.. you know where this leads. SOOO many MM say they arent sexually active with their wives and if you read the threads here you will see that the ow eventually finds out that in most cases that is a lie.

 

He isnt worth it, an arranged marriage isnt worth it. Your time and feelings I am talking about. Look deep inside and find the courage to make your own path that doesnt involve a man taking care of you for financial reasons. Find someone to share your life with, not someone to give your life too

[Susie1]

Er what does MM and OW mean? I really suck at slang...

[Susie1]

Thanks guys oh so much, I was getting scared that I was some mean monster. Thanks for being on my side

I'll try. any tips or hints would be much apprieated. Constantly he has to leave because his younger sone (around1) is crying so he tells me byes, leaves me guilt ridden trying to get over myself doing what I'm doing, trying not to think what would happen if his family new.They're so sweet. But then 5 minutes later he would come back, letting me watch him put his son back tosleep. I melt the second I see them but it just makes me feel so insiginifcant..I don't know. It makes me feel he's trying to make a point. or myabe I'm being paranoid and he's just trying to make me smile cuz I love kids...

[Susie1]

My parent's are hellbent on a arranged marriage and I have no idea how to get out of it..except to run. but I don't now to where. I'm seriously tryign to be more outgoing and work my confidence, buts it's a struggle... :/

[temple]

It sounds to me like he's living out his own fantasies on cloud cuckoo-land. Lose this guy right now. You're walking into a danger zone.

[crystal_lostheart]

This just sounds dangerous to me. Especially for a young girl. He sounds like he has you hook, line and sinker. Please re read your original post. Can you hear his lies???

 

Don't give them the benefit of the doubt. Speaking from experience, they just wind up hurting you even more and you fall deeper. It's a horrible place to be in.

 

I hope you find a way out. He is not your answer to living life happily.

[fooled once]

He is LYING to you.

 

Stop sitting on the computer waiting to hear from him. Stop living your life around a computer.

 

GET OUT and find real people; not some predator on the computer. He is trolling for women. I would bet that there are quite a few who he has that he talks to.

 

You do not know him. You know a fantasy. You don't see him angry. you don't see him after work, you have no idea how he reacts to stress. You don't love him, you just want an escape from the arranged marriage your parents have set up.

 

Stand UP to your parents and tell them know. Find a job to support yourself. Get out into the world and MEET people - real people - not some nut job on the computer.

 

Honey, this is a game for him. He has no real interest in you, in having a life with you. He has a wife already. He isn't leaving - and even if he does, it won't be for some young woman he 'met' on the internet.

 

Please - turn off the computer and get out and meet new people. Stop wasting your life waiting around for him to get online.

[Susie1]

I don't know. I feel really stupid now. When he's around (or has been round recently) I essentially don't have these thoughts at all. just when it's been a while I get paranoid. I told him I was paranoid, he's fully aware of it now. He chats to me a little more now. But he's says he feels so worn out by all the xmas holiday work atm. It feels like a perfectly legitimate reason for me. But I guess, I feel paranoid and start thinking after a while. Which only just upsets everything...

[fooled once]

Not sure what you are paranoid about.... that he has a wife and is enjoying the holidays with her or that he has other women he is talking to and feeding lines like he is feeding you.

 

You are way too young to be sitting around and doing nothing but waiting on him to 'talk' to you. Get out - find real, alive people in person to hang out with. Do not let this consume you or dictate your life!

[Susie1]

How the hell do I get out of it? My brain doesn't even want to. Argh well heart. well I don't know anymore. No matter how hard I try no guy in realoity is that interested in me :/ and I can't get a good job anywhere My heart says I love him, my brain says I'mbeing stupid. I just feel sick looking at how I'm so round his littl e finger. arghhh......

[fooled once]

How the hell do I get out of it? My brain doesn't even want to. Argh well heart. well I don't know anymore. No matter how hard I try no guy in realoity is that interested in me :/ and I can't get a good job anywhere My heart says I love him, my brain says I'mbeing stupid. I just feel sick looking at how I'm so round his littl e finger. arghhh......

 

How? Easily actually - STOP being on the computer. Use the computer ONLY for school work, checking email. STOP being there and waiting for him to come on. STOP stopping your life for him.

 

You aren't giving the guys a chance. THey can probably sense you are mixed up with someone else. You probably aren't giving them ample time to get to know you; they probably aren't trying to get to know you because they can see you aren't invested.

 

Good jobs take time. Start out with at least getting a foot in the door of a company. May not be the ideal job, but most kids directly out of school don't get the job of their dreams. Everyone has to start at the bottom and work your way up.

 

Your heart is saying this because a MM is better than no one. This predator is saying the right things to keep you hooked, how he loves you so much, how you mean so much to him, how you really want to make him happy, how he has you exactly where he wants you.

 

You have to try - you have to get out there. You are only going to be more heart broken down the road. He isn't going to leave his wife - no matter what he tells you. And this 'great dad' is screwing over the child he loves so much by NOT investing in the child(red) and their mother by keeping you waiting - and waiting - and waiting - and waiting for him. He gets the biggest ego boost knowing this young lady, 18 years his junior, is melting just from his baloney words he uses to keep you hooked.

[Susie1]

You make it sound so simple... so there's no chance he's a nice guy? What if I meet up with him...

On the finiacal side of things. I honestly don't think I want him because of his riches But my realistic alternatives are: go through an arranged marriage, or get disowned by my family, no home, no job and not enough money to finish my course. the goverment wouldn't be able to help me as much as I need (sorry my bad english).

In all honesty, I've never came across a a nice guy...what make you think things would change. I guess I'm very worried, yes I don't know him <i> that </i> but I do know him well enough to see how he reacts to things, it's been around 9 months of really getting to 'know' him via talking to him, reading his messages on art, his art, he seems really sensitive, and I don't want to go outright and accuse him....

blaaaarh:(

[LucreziaBorgia]

so there's no chance he's a nice guy?

 

I guess it depends on what you consider a nice guy. When you are thinking of a nice guy to date, do you think things like:

 

1. He must be an excellent liar.

2. He must be able to mislead whenever necessary.

3. He must be able to juggle multiple women.

4. He must already be involved with someone else.

5. He must be unavailable for any sort of real commitment.

 

Think carefully, now. Is this really the sort of guy you want? Regardless of what you experience with him, this really is all you are going to get.

[crystal_lostheart]

You make it sound so simple... so there's no chance he's a nice guy? What if I meet up with him...

On the finiacal side of things. I honestly don't think I want him because of his riches But my realistic alternatives are: go through an arranged marriage, or get disowned by my family, no home, no job and not enough money to finish my course. the goverment wouldn't be able to help me as much as I need (sorry my bad english).

In all honesty, I've never came across a a nice guy...what make you think things would change. I guess I'm very worried, yes I don't know him <i> that </i> but I do know him well enough to see how he reacts to things, it's been around 9 months of really getting to 'know' him via talking to him, reading his messages on art, his art, he seems really sensitive, and I don't want to go outright and accuse him....

blaaaarh:(

 

Why is this man your ONLY alternative out of what seems a desperate situation for yourself? Are there not any other 'wise' choices you could make? This man sounds like a manipulative, cunning liar. Listen to people here. Not one person has shown support or understanding towards this man because your situation screams alarm bells.