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I don't much like him but I am in love with him


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For a year I have been having an affair with a colloegue, ironically a collegue I din't even like very much before! However, he claimed to have fallen in love with me and I suppose I must have been fed up and started seeing him. I do have a boyfriend who is kind and loving but not exactly exciting. This colleague seems more exciting, however, if I think about it everything we do is always organised by me. I have shared so much with him then he seems to go home and take his girlfriend to these places! He claims that he and is girlfiend are just flatmates these days but I don't think he'll ever leave her properly, they are codependent! He is pretty much an alcoholic, a drug user and bi-polar. He is so self centred and gets angry wehn I am upset, for instance he didn't at call Christmas, and said he couldn't because of 'girlfriend' but I if he had wanted he would have found a way. He claims he wants to marry me, he claims I am making him who he wants to be. Of course that'd be a diaster but for some reason I go along with his mad cap dreaming. Yesterday he came round and stayed the night (my boyfriend is away) he said he wanted it to be our Chridstmas so I'd gone to a lot of effort to arrange things and he didn't even seem to notice then he left this morning and called me from a bar in town where he was waiting for his 'girlfriend' to go to an exhibiton I'd told him about! I now can't stop crying I am feeing so used, he's out in town and I am here tidying up the mess he made. I know I should stop seeing him and did mange to for a couple of weeks the problem is I see him at work and that just makes it impossible for me to move on. I can't change job for the foreseeable future, it's well paid and quite specailist. I feel so utterly used and pathetic and lost. I don't have any friends and will be spending New Year alone, he has loads of really good frinds. Argh, I am so embarrassed to write this but any objective advice may well help!

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Hi dannie,

 

Your thread appears to be full of your honest feelings and I appreciate you being able to share those feelings. I understand them, far better than ,I have been able to share,& be that raw and open thus far.

 

So thank you. You said, "he claims", this, that, and the other, often in your post. I got the distinct impression from your writing this, you realise his claims, don't mesh, with his actions. Oh boy, I'm feeling ya on that one too, dannie.

 

I got the impression, that for some reason, and once again, reminds me of my own behavior, you need him, to need you. As if ,any bit of a bone he tosses your way, you can't help but make yourself available to him. Then, when it's all said and done, you can reflect back and see that he doesn't appreciate a damn thing. He knows exactly what he's doing.

 

He's underestimating your ability and maybe like myself you are underestimating your ability as well to shut him out, and say, "No"!

 

Or if you don't want to say no, just don't say anything, don't be available.

Edited by skywriter
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Wow. How did you fall in love with him? Are you sure it's not purely fascination or infatuation? He must be amazing in bed! Whatever you're feeling you have to let him go emotionally. I don't think the work thing would make it impossible, just harder, but thinking negatively like that will make it harder still.

 

You need to fill your time, hon. Go to see family or get in touch with someone that maybe you used to know. It's a good time of year to get away with having a reason to randomly call. There are still loads of things you can do that might initially be alone for but meet people there. Look in your local area and see what's going on.

 

No offense - but this guy is a pig. I know it can be lonely to be on your own sometimes, but that's better than putting up with his crap. You're better than that so stop thinking you're not.

 

(((Hugs)))

Edited by Hazyhead
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Thank you to both of you for taking the time to reply and giving my mess some thought. It really helps to know that a couple of strangers care more than he does! I hope I can follow your advice, I hope the time is right, I'm going to try, especially with not making myself available.

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You're very welcome dannie. We do care, all we got is one another in situations like these. Our friends and family love us, but it's very hard for people in our situations to share things we don't really understand ourselves.

 

Not to mention, if you've never been here, in a place you never thought you'd go to anyway, how can you understand it. So to share this type situation with your loved ones is nearly impossible. Especially when you're already feeling hundred and one emotions, guilt, shame, and so on.

 

On the not being available, if you have to sit on your hands, bite your nails off, work overtime, whatever. You have to constantly challenge yourself. If you know he's gonna be at Joe Blows house when you go there, then turn the car around, dannie!

 

Get pissed off if you have to. Think of all the things you said in your post, read it over to yourself. From what you wrote, he's in this thing, for him , he's an opportunist, a user. If you called him and offered up something he wanted, oh he'd jump through hoops to be available.

 

If you called him and said, sweetheart, I need.... Please, do tell, what would he say back?

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That's a really well put question and way of summing up the whole relationship. I know exactly what he'd say if I said I needed something.... 'Not now, I am getting all this crap at home and I don't need it off you too. We'll talk about it some other time don't spoil our time together'

 

Thank you again. You seem to have understood my situation perfectly and you are right I can't share this with my family and it makes it even harded having to conceal it.

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I don't think he'll ever leave her properly, they are codependent! He is pretty much an alcoholic, a drug user and bi-polar. He is so self centred and gets angry wehn I am upset

 

It's sounds like you might be a bit codependent too? That's a trait I own as well. Trust me, you can't fix him. You can't even make him want to fix himself. This man is a total waste of your energies. And I'd say the same even if he wasn't committed elsewhere, which is a huge problem in itself. He's sucking your soul. This relationship with him sounds like it's killing you slowly. You can't help him, so please, help yourself and get out of this mess.

 

The way you describe your "pull" to him sounds like that of addiction in itself. I think that's pretty common among MM/OW situations. Withdrawal is terrible, but also the only way out. On the other side, you will see much more clearly that he is bad for you and your life and open yourself to finding what you really want.

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....and why does he say not now, I'm getting all this crap at home?. No, wait....let me guess. It's all about him, and his ego, his fantasy time with dannie.

 

Well, that's all fine and well, if we were all storybook characters, in that case, all we'd have to do is sit back and read, and they all lived happily ever after!

 

Then, he's gonna say, oh damn it all dannie, you knew what this was all about when you got into it! Ok, ok, we'll give him that one.

 

Thing is, we didn't know how it was gonna affect us, in so many ways, until we were in it up to our eyeballs.

 

Also, you ain't the Captain of this here, Starship Federation so, when I say, I'm not happy with the way you're making me feel lower than an ants belly, then I mean it!

 

...and I have to wonder, if he thinks, that he's got something, that you aren't ready to give up so easily? Like, he believes, Oh, she'll call me, eventually kind of attitude.

Edited by skywriter
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I love how you put things Skywriter, especailly the story book analogy. Also Brokenlady you are right in that I am addicted to him, he's really quite revolting you know! I just hope I can make the break now. New Year seems like the best and worst time to go through 'withdrawal' but I suppose there isn't going to be a perfect time! And I still haven't finished all the washing up from the food I cooked him last night and this morning! Ug, what a mug!

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I'm addicted to the MM that I've been seeing for 3 1/2 yrs, sadly enough.... (((big hugs ))) but, if he won't love me back, then I have to love me...:(

 

This is why we have to help each other to be strong and make the new yr our new beginning.

 

If we backslide then we can pull each other up by the beltstraps and get on with what we need to help ourselves.

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Isn't it funny how we, especially you, can see what a waste of time the relationships are and know what is the right thing to do but find it so hard to do?! Good luck, you come across as incredibly insightful and composed and sorry if my postings really have made you feel low. You have made me feel positive and stronger and not alone, so thank you again.

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It is interesting how, we know, but we push it back in our minds. Like, oh, I'll deal with it later, hmmmm...later keeps getting...welll..later...

 

Next thing you know, three yrs have past you by.

 

Oh dannie, I'm so glad if I've made you feel stronger. Your post haven't so much made me feel low. It's just that we are experiencing so much of the same feelings that it's like kindof hurting for you, in a way.

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Much stronger, resolved and determined, I've even washed up those dirty dishes he kindly left me! Now to carry through your shared words of warning into action, the ugly, sad making and tricky but in strange way I feel relieved. I know it's a destructive 'relationship' and the people who have responded to my post today have confirmed that. Finally having benefited so much from your posts I really hope you are putting/or soon will put your advice into taking care of yourself too.

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Glad you got those dishes done. I have my own waiting for me. LOL

 

But yes indeed, putting my own advice into action as well.

 

I'm sure he senses it is happening. I keep the contact as low as possible. Sometimes it's nearly impossible. I don't make friendly with him. He uses the situations where we have to be in one anothers presence ,to encourage conversation .

 

Kind of feeling me out if you will, to see if he still has an "in". So transparent...

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Ug, don’t like their egos challenging, do they? Am going to muster some New Year’s NC will power too through all the advice I’ve got from this website today and to think I was sooooo fed up I almost couldn’t be bothered registering earlier. So glad I did.

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For a year I have been having an affair with a colloegue, ironically a collegue I din't even like very much before! However, he claimed to have fallen in love with me and I suppose I must have been fed up and started seeing him. I do have a boyfriend who is kind and loving but not exactly exciting. This colleague seems more exciting, however, if I think about it everything we do is always organised by me. I have shared so much with him then he seems to go home and take his girlfriend to these places! He claims that he and is girlfiend are just flatmates these days but I don't think he'll ever leave her properly, they are codependent! He is pretty much an alcoholic, a drug user and bi-polar. He is so self centred and gets angry wehn I am upset, for instance he didn't at call Christmas, and said he couldn't because of 'girlfriend' but I if he had wanted he would have found a way. He claims he wants to marry me, he claims I am making him who he wants to be. Of course that'd be a diaster but for some reason I go along with his mad cap dreaming. Yesterday he came round and stayed the night (my boyfriend is away) he said he wanted it to be our Chridstmas so I'd gone to a lot of effort to arrange things and he didn't even seem to notice then he left this morning and called me from a bar in town where he was waiting for his 'girlfriend' to go to an exhibiton I'd told him about! I now can't stop crying I am feeing so used, he's out in town and I am here tidying up the mess he made. I know I should stop seeing him and did mange to for a couple of weeks the problem is I see him at work and that just makes it impossible for me to move on. I can't change job for the foreseeable future, it's well paid and quite specailist. I feel so utterly used and pathetic and lost. I don't have any friends and will be spending New Year alone, he has loads of really good frinds. Argh, I am so embarrassed to write this but any objective advice may well help!

 

so r u keeping ur not so exciting boyfriend for stand-by ?

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