Okay I need to get this woman out of my head!!!!

[WhereToGoFromHere]

Okay, I'm dying here. 3 d-days, 16 month long EA. My MOW keeps asking for NC saying she needs her marriage to work out and then keeps breaking the NC herself. I can't even begin to say how many times now(more than 10). It seems like that's all this relationship is anymore, breaking NC, restarting NC, breaking NC...you get the picture. I think I can now imagine what Hell must feel like. SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!!!

 

This last NC is the one that has held up the longest, and now she talks to me like a 'friend'. But she is still talking to me.... How can I morn her loss and grieve the loss of this relationship if she is still talking to me? Meanwhile she slowly fades away as it becomes easier for her to let go because I'm always here for her, helping her through it. Its like a slow, extremely painful death for me. I can't imagine anything more painful.

 

I love this woman with my whole heart soul and I'm not capable of hurting her. I know she's having a really hard time too with everything. But how can I get her to respect her own NC and let me heal without being hurtful? I keep hoping there's a city bus around with my name on it. No such luck so far.

[stampdaddy]

gang.... He is ALL yours... goodluck......

[Hazyhead]

I understand your pain WTGFH. You begin to make steps to heal yourself and she pulls you right back again. I'm going through similar, but I have to say not as far down the road as you and it's already tearing me up. I have days where I can feel that I'm making progress: going out, laughing, enjoying myself and just for a few moments forgetting what has gone... and then he breaks his own NC. Painful as hell every time.

 

I think you should send her a message - however you communicate (probably best not to see her - that only goes one way), and let her know that you're not going to respond for a bit, keep it vague if you have to (although probably the more definite you can be the better), and it's not because you don't love her but because you need to heal.

 

You have to let her take care of herself, whilst you look after you.

 

Good luck.

[Fallen Angel]

When the MP asks for NC and then continually break it, it is because they feel that since they were the one who asked for it in the first place, they have that right.

 

She is NOT thinking about YOUR healing. All she is thinking about right now is herself... probably something you are used to by now.

 

You make her feel better, and as long as she is still talking to you, and getting responses, then she knows that whenever she is ready to kickstart the affair again, you will still be right there waiting.

 

If you want NC for your own healing, tell her that. Tell her that you understand she is hurting, but that you are hurting too, and the only way to heal yourself is to stop ALL contact. And then block her. Block her email, block her phone number, block her instant messages, block, block, block... and if she manages to get through (some people have made new email accounts to get around being blocked) just delete and block again.

 

Is it easy? hell NO! truth is, I haven't managed it yet.. but, from my time here on these boards, if you want to move away from the affair, it seems that is the only real way to do it.

 

Good Luck to you friend. ((HUGS))

[doushenka]

Tell her to pike off, as her presence isn't helping you heal at all. You can't be friends unless you're both as far over each other as you can get, and obviously you're not, so it'd be dishonest to stay "friends" while you try.

[stampdaddy]

Alright man.. First (and no offense meant) it sounds like you are pretty young, late 20's - early 30's??

 

I am assuming this is a "work" relationship?

 

Most important, THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. You will get through this and right now it is ALL up to you to trust what you have come here seeking, ADVICE.

 

I am going to say a few "harsh" things to you that were said to me, but it is the truth. So, are you ready? You OK with this?? I mean, C'mon!!!

 

She is married, and who cares if she is happy or not, she is a mess. I mean, 3 days?? So here is the picture. She gets busted, she says WHATEVER she needs to to get "un-busted", tells you NC, makes things "right" at home, and then starts this sh*t all over again.. WTF is that?

 

Get a Chia Pet and be done with this girl.. You haven't seen "hell" yet my friend, so trust us here and stop this non-sense RIGHT NOW!!

Edited December 30, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jennie-jennie]

I agree. After DDay any 'decent' A is over. you either get together when all the s**t is worked through, or it's over.

 

Interesting distinction: decent affairs. What do you base this on? Why would a Dday in any aspect make the WS more decided than before? The bonds are still the same, the emotions are still the same, the longing for the other is still the same, in the case of the Split Self affair the split between doing the right thing and the emotional self is still the same.

 

WTGFH, sorry you are having a difficult time. I feel for you. You seem to sincerely love your MW. I hope you find a way to handle this difficult situation.

Edited December 29, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[crystal_lostheart]

Okay, I'm dying here. 3 d-days, 16 month long EA. My MOW keeps asking for NC saying she needs her marriage to work out and then keeps breaking the NC herself. I can't even begin to say how many times now(more than 10). It seems like that's all this relationship is anymore, breaking NC, restarting NC, breaking NC...you get the picture. I think I can now imagine what Hell must feel like. SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!!!

 

This last NC is the one that has held up the longest, and now she talks to me like a 'friend'. But she is still talking to me.... How can I morn her loss and grieve the loss of this relationship if she is still talking to me? Meanwhile she slowly fades away as it becomes easier for her to let go because I'm always here for her, helping her through it. Its like a slow, extremely painful death for me. I can't imagine anything more painful.

 

I love this woman with my whole heart soul and I'm not capable of hurting her. I know she's having a really hard time too with everything. But how can I get her to respect her own NC and let me heal without being hurtful? I keep hoping there's a city bus around with my name on it. No such luck so far.

 

I am going through NC at the moment... it is very hard. My MM has left his W but has made no real steps to get a D.

In your situation she has gone back home... Let her go. The minute my MM walks back home... is the minute I never speak to him again, just so I can get on with my life. I'm not even waiting for that moment anymore. In my eyes, I am already moving on.

What I find helps is recognizing the signs... that's what stops me from contacting him even when he contacts me. He hurt me too much and I allowed it.

She has moved back home.... she cannot have both ... you need to step up as hard as it is and move on. Tell her SHE made the choice to move home, therefore she owes you the respect to start your own life without her. She will only keep playing you if you let her. And also, she is not being very fair to her H or M if she keeps contacting you. Really look at her actions. Don't feel that she must still want to be with me and she can't work on her M. She is choosing to have both and that is not on. Is this the type of person you want to be with? I asked myself the very same question a few days ago. What would your best friend tell you to do?

[JoyDevine]

My MOW

 

Does this mean that you are married too?

And what is DDay? (i'm new)

all this time I thought it was Discovery - like when the husband found out. ha. but there can't be 3 of those...

Edited December 30, 2009 by JoyDevine
dday???

[WhereToGoFromHere]

All, thanks for the replies - SD, ouch. I'll admit I expected this though..I guess I'll be one of the last ones to receive the "tough love" from you. I'll take it, I deserve it. I'll consider it an honor. I'm a little older than that range, late 30's, thanks for the younger guess, I guess I'm a little immature for my age. Also if you weren't aware, I am M also which throws wrenches in all of this. M 14 years... and my W didn't deserve any of this either, nor did her H. She's M 10 years.

 

Menstrating? Sometimes I feel like it. Yeah I've turned into a high school girl because of all of this. The ddays were on both of our sides. We both said what we needed to to get "unbusted" as you put it. We actually ended things after each dday, but it didn't last more than a few months.

 

There have been many attempts to "end it" from each of us. She is not the villian here as I was and am an equal part of it, nor is she any more of a mess than I am. I guess the issue is she's finally decided what she has to have in life and its not me. I'm still pining for her. I respect her decision. I even admire it and I have tried will everything I've got to let her go. But she's having a hard time letting me go too. So here we sit.

 

I am working on "growing a pair" and not responding to any contact. Its hard because I care so much that I don't want her to hurt either. But, by responding, we're hurting each other even more. I know that.

 

I remember when this all started how amazingly wonderful it all felt. I read somewhere in LS that the R's turn at some point and become more painful than wonderful. I'm at that point. Its mostly pain. Mostly all pain with little sparks of wonderful every once in a while. Time to let it go. I want my life back. I will tell her that, the next time she contacts me, whenever that will be.

 

HH, you're right about being pulled back after accepting things. Getting my hopes up with each additional word. Yes, its horrible. I'm right there with you.

 

FA, I do need to tell her to stay away for my healing too. I know she will understand that. I haven't said that to her before, but I think thats the best and most gentle way to go about this. I feel like by doing that, I'm heading to my own doom and gloom though. Thats where the newly aquired "pair" will come in handy.

 

Thanks again everyone. This is harder than anything I've ever gone through in my life. I feel for everyone of you thats been here or is here with me. I wish we could all meet somewhere and have a nice "group hug". Its the high school girl in me saying the group hug stuff. Goe easy on me SD.

[Fallen Angel]

Does this mean that you are married too?

And what is DDay? (i'm new)

all this time I thought it was Discovery - like when the husband found out. ha. but there can't be 3 of those...

 

It is Discovery day.. when the betrayed spouse finds out, and yes, there can be three.. or four, or five.. etc etc..

 

My MM and I have been through only one D-day so far, but I do not anticipate more, since the affair only got even more serious since the first Dday, and she has agrued with him about his high cell bills, unaccounted for 'work' hours etc.. she knows the A is still going on... (I guess the monthly phone bill battle can be considered mini D-days... )

[JoyDevine]

It is Discovery day.. when the betrayed spouse finds out, and yes, there can be three.. or four, or five.. etc etc..

 

My MM and I have been through only one D-day so far, but I do not anticipate more, since the affair only got even more serious since the first Dday,

 

thanks!

 

Do you think maybe she doesn't care? She gets the "Mrs." the family/holiday time, the respect. Maybe that's all she wants?

[Fallen Angel]

thanks!

 

Do you think maybe she doesn't care? She gets the "Mrs." the family/holiday time, the respect. Maybe that's all she wants?

 

In my case, I think so...

 

I think she may be getting all her ducks in a row... preparing to be just fine without him, while maintaining the appearance of 'happy perfect family' for the moment.

 

Either that, or she is waiting me out... if she ignores it, I will just eventually go away, right?

 

I guess I really don't know why she does what she does, it is all just conjecture..... only time will tell.

[stampdaddy]

Ok, late 30's, married 14 years.. Next question: Children?

 

So, you were busted too? How's that working for ya? I mean, what does your, excuse me, YOUR WIFE think about all of this? Why don't you "pine" for her or divorce the poor woman? You havent said one word about her?

**lean over a little.. closer... closer..... BITCH SLAP!!!

 

I will admit, I wasnt married, so I dont have that same "experience", I was single, had been for a while, so I didnt have that dynamic, but C'mon man!!! I wish you could read what you are actually writing here. Dammit son, YOUR WIFE!! Go in there and look at her face, look at her in her eyes, and TELL HER that you are "pining" for this MOW. Heck, I dare you, let her read this thread. Come here again! closer.... closer..... SLAP, SLAP, SLAP!!

 

Is your wife hot? Cause I am looking.....

[Meaplus3]

Okay, I'm dying here. 3 d-days, 16 month long EA. My MOW keeps asking for NC saying she needs her marriage to work out and then keeps breaking the NC herself. I can't even begin to say how many times now(more than 10). It seems like that's all this relationship is anymore, breaking NC, restarting NC, breaking NC...you get the picture. I think I can now imagine what Hell must feel like. SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!!!

 

This last NC is the one that has held up the longest, and now she talks to me like a 'friend'. But she is still talking to me.... How can I morn her loss and grieve the loss of this relationship if she is still talking to me? Meanwhile she slowly fades away as it becomes easier for her to let go because I'm always here for her, helping her through it. Its like a slow, extremely painful death for me. I can't imagine anything more painful.

 

I love this woman with my whole heart soul and I'm not capable of hurting her. I know she's having a really hard time too with everything. But how can I get her to respect her own NC and let me heal without being hurtful? I keep hoping there's a city bus around with my name on it. No such luck so far.

 

Oh boy! I did the same thing that your MOW is doing now a couple of years back. And my xmm was much like you in the sense that he really did not have the heart to try and hurt me. While I don't believe he loved me with his heart and soul.. he was still very found of me and what little we had. So now this is the thing. She probably won't stop until you stand up.. and are firm with her that you want this to end. My xmm did that with me in a pretty diplomatic way.. and finally I had a lightbulb moment. It was then that I realized that things were going NO where.. and I had to pull myself out of the big dark hole i dug.. and crawl from my own personal misery. I did it and he lived nextdoor the whole time. So, hold your head high and have a talk with her. Make your point clear. Best of luck.

 

Mea:)

[Confused4Now]

Alright man.. First (and no offense meant) it sounds like you are pretty young, late 20's - early 30's??

 

I am assuming this is a "work" relationship?

 

Most important, THIS IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. You will get through this and right now it is ALL up to you to trust what you have come here seeking, ADVICE.

 

I am going to say a few "harsh" things to you that were said to me, but it is the truth. So, are you ready? You OK with this?? I mean, C'mon!!!

 

She is married, and who cares if she is happy or not, she is a mess. I mean, 3 days?? So here is the picture. She gets busted, she says WHATEVER she needs to to get "un-busted", tells you NC, makes things "right" at home, and then starts this sh*t all over again.. WTF is that?

 

Get a Chia Pet and be done with this girl.. You haven't seen "hell" yet my friend, so trust us here and stop this non-sense RIGHT NOW!!

Exactly what I would have said SD....Doesn't it pain you to see this? To think I was here last year at this time....UGH!!!

[pureinheart]

Okay, I'm dying here. 3 d-days, 16 month long EA. My MOW keeps asking for NC saying she needs her marriage to work out and then keeps breaking the NC herself. I can't even begin to say how many times now(more than 10). It seems like that's all this relationship is anymore, breaking NC, restarting NC, breaking NC...you get the picture. I think I can now imagine what Hell must feel like. SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!!!

 

This is called TRAUMATIC BONDING

 

This last NC is the one that has held up the longest, and now she talks to me like a 'friend'. But she is still talking to me.... How can I morn her loss and grieve the loss of this relationship if she is still talking to me? Meanwhile she slowly fades away as it becomes easier for her to let go because I'm always here for her, helping her through it. Its like a slow, extremely painful death for me. I can't imagine anything more painful.

 

Withdrawl, as she is like a drug

 

I love this woman with my whole heart soul and I'm not capable of hurting her. I know she's having a really hard time too with everything. But how can I get her to respect her own NC and let me heal without being hurtful? I keep hoping there's a city bus around with my name on it. No such luck so far.

 

Use that bus and throw her under it, not you....she could care less about you and is a very sick individual...when you realise this then things will make more sense...I know this sounds cold, although I have just gone through this....she is playing you. You are not God and you are not a sacrificial lamb....you are a human being, meant to be respected.

 

She will not respect you because you don't give her a reason...I am so sorry this is happening to you...the games these people play never cease to amaze me.

 

Please keep posting, go NC and draw stregnth from posting...it has helped me and saved my life a few times.

 

This will take time and it will hurt, but if you stick to it you will find a new respect for yourself and that is what needs to happen...if you don't respect you, who else will?

Edited December 30, 2009 by pureinheart

[WhereToGoFromHere]

I appreciate all the responses and good sound advice you are all willing to share with me. The most meaningful will be the gentle but firm discussion that will go something like this: "I love you. You have asked me for time away and no contact so that you can see if the things you've learned from MC and others can work between you and your H. I want you to have that. I know I've told you that I'll always be here for you, but I'm not going to respond unless its something really big. I need this too and I know you can respect that." Hopefully that will work.

 

She's not playing me. I would see that, I know what it looks like. She's totally not the type. She's totally not the type to be in this kind of mess either in the first place. I know she genuinely loves me as much as I love her and she doesn't deserve to be told to "pike off" (I'm assuming that's not a nice thing??) or be thrown under the bus at all. She's having just as hard of a time as I am with all of this. She just has more of a conscience than me and all she wants to do is what is right. I don't doubt any of the things she's told me, we've never lied to each other about anything.

 

It would be helpful to me to be able to tell myself all those things and make it easier for me to let go, but I can't hurt her. I can't and I won't. Call me what you will. I do have a pair and they don't need to be any bigger. I just decided that from my earlier statements.

 

SD, you still seem kinda bitter, are you really okay? I mean no disrespect at all by saying this. I've read some of your other posts. You've been through some rough sh*t.

 

Thanks everyone.

[jennie-jennie]

I do have a pair and they don't need to be any bigger.

 

WTGFH, you just showed that by your post above. Being able to make a judgement of your own and not go along with the crowd shows courage and wisdom.

 

SD, I have the same question as WTGFH.

[stampdaddy]

No sir, not bitter at all... Just trying to help you, you know, MAN to MAN? There arent many guys around, so me and Confused would take you out for a couple of beers and knock some sense into ya!

 

Look, I still dont see you write ANYTHING about your wife, your marriage, and you still havent answered whether or not you have any children (avoiding that one?)

 

I am not bitter, I am actually very good. There ARE some bitter dudes you havent met yet on here, and you will know when you do. I am not one of 'em. Everybody on here will attest to that, so dont go there, or I'll kill you..

 

JUST KIDDING :)

[WhereToGoFromHere]

No sir, not bitter at all... Just trying to help you, you know, MAN to MAN? There arent many guys around, so me and Confused would take you out for a couple of beers and knock some sense into ya!

 

Look, I still dont see you write ANYTHING about your wife, your marriage, and you still havent answered whether or not you have any children (avoiding that one?)

 

I am not bitter, I am actually very good. There ARE some bitter dudes you havent met yet on here, and you will know when you do. I am not one of 'em. Everybody on here will attest to that, so dont go there, or I'll kill you..

 

JUST KIDDING :)

 

SD, Good to hear you're doing okay and yeah it would be good to go out for those beers. Let's go. We could talk about sports and stuff and burp, grunt and scratch ourselves rather than pouring out all our souls and talking about our feelings. Sh*t, how did I get here??

 

No, not avoiding it. Yes there are kids on both sides. And as I mentioned earlier neither of the SO's deserved this. There are things that happen in M's over time such as distance and growing apart, married young, etc. Same things I've seen others post here. All of that for both of us. I wish I could say they were each raving alcoholics or drug addicts, but they're good people. I'm not making excuses, thats why I really haven't written much about that part. As I read others posts it sounds too much like excuses so I've tried to spare people that. Its text book. I've done the MC and I'm looking for an IC to help me figure out me. SO's have been more than graceful through all of this. And you're right, if my W were to read any of this, I'd be looking for another place to live.

 

As others have said we (AP and I) weren't looking for this. I have many other female friends that are pretty close. I enjoy being the "knight in shining armour" for any of them if they need something. I've always been one who throws out my shoulder for a sob story, even to a total stranger. Or even a male friend. Plutonically of course. I don't live my life holding people at arms length. I've been that way for years. My W knows this. Never had this happen to me before. My AP was a good friend for several years(known her nearly as long as my W) and I never even thought about her this way till all of this happened. I missed some warning signs and here we are. The biggest sign was when I started keeping our conversations a secret from my W and others. Big, big warning sign. Let that be a lesson to others.

 

So...yes, kids, SO's, M's, valued friendships... complicates things, doesn't it? I feel like we (AP and I) have our heads on mostly straight(although confused). We're both aware of addiction and affair fog and we both know we need to give our SO's a fighting chance with the knowledge we've gained from counceling. Yeah it all looks good on paper, but harder than hell to put into play. Nevermind the friendship that we're both afraid of losing. Our SO's deserve to have relationships with people that love them back and commit to them 100%. Oh I get all of it. We also know the success rate of relationships that start like this, with lies and deception. I read here some one said 3%? Not very good. 97% fail, seriously? So we D our SO's, our new relationship fails, and we have lost everything. Kids are stuck in the middle.

 

I do think we're on the right track with NC. I know that needs to happen. Its just the fear of letting each other go, knowing that one or both of us may or may not ever come back to this. A wonderful friendship will be lost(or already is). Its a hard place to be. I've learned a lot.

 

Does that clear things up?? Am I thinking clearly or is my head still up my a$$?

 

Now who's buying?

[bettermustcome]

Okay..sure you love her but it doesn't seem her feelings are the same..She has straight up told you she wants to work it out with her husband! Let her go, I know it is hard but it seems that she is using you as a crutch in case things don't work out and it is not fair to you. If she is breaking NC, it is up to you to not accept it, it is messing with your head and your heart! I know how hard it is, believe me, but try, you have to..for you. Best wishes!

[Golfilla]

Here is what you do. If you follow these instructions to the exact letter of the law, you will get through this. If not, you will fail and will be here in 12 months asking the same question.

 

1. Stop calling her or contacting her.

 

2. When she calls you to try to fix things, just tell her that you used to care, but now you do not (LIE if you have to), then say "goodbye" and put the phone down.

 

3. Immediately after you have put the phone down, block her number, her email, her facebook, whatever it takes to stop her contacting you. Heck, get a restraining order if you have to.

 

4. Spend some money taking your wife out to dinner or better yet, a weekend away.

 

If you do these things, you'll get over it. If not, you will fail. Yes, it really is that simple.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

WTGFH, you just showed that by your post above. Being able to make a judgement of your own and not go along with the crowd shows courage and wisdom.

 

SD, I have the same question as WTGFH.

 

 

Wow! Thanks for this Jennie! This made me smile

[stampdaddy]

I'd buy if I knew you'd knock this off, but you won't, not yet, so that means chilley's are on you...

 

alright, let's recap, shall we? You are upper 30's, been married for 14 years (let's note that), you have a couple children (ages? 8-12ish), and you have a wife that (for now) has forgiven you for your indiscretions....

 

They used to call it a "7 year itch", and maybe there is one at he 7th year, but I see more and more that there is also a "14 year itch", AND it is entirely normal that when a person, married or not, goes through stages in life.

 

The first is when you are upper 20's. You say, "ok, what am I doing with my life? I've gone to shcool, dated around, had a couple different jobs/careers.. am I happy? Not really, so OK, let's change things. Change careers, change girlfriends, whatever.. No big deal, I've got the rest of my life left, I am young...."

 

The second is when you hit your upper 30's. Folks say, "sh*t! I am a full fledged adult. WTF am I doing with my life?? Not really happy, so if I am going to make any changes, I better make them now! I can still salvage my happiness, but I have to do it now.. I can be happier than I am now. I want to be "in love" again, while I can..

 

The third is irrelevant...

 

anyhoo, it just saddens me that you have a WIFE and CHILDREN that are "waiting" for their HUSBAND and DADDY to (Tony won't allow me to say that one should remove their noggin from their bung hole anymore)