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Two birthday's, two Christmas' without a gift. I'm not talking about some material item, just some token of appreciation. I've been giving him small, thoughtful things he seems to really appreciate. So this year I told him I had something for him, and he said he loves when I get him things????

 

I'm mailing it to his office today, since he's on a nice vacation w/ his W. I know he's a gift giver, because he's given his wife anything she's ever wanted & he's an extremely wealthy guy. I just give up. I've never asked him for anything....to leave his W, for his love, nothing.

 

I'm probably feeling this too, because his vacation spot is a place we decided to go last year, and right before he initiated NC.....so I spent the weekend by myself. He's always broken NC, and he's always the one that gets ahold of me. I just don't know what he wants from me anymore. Maybe this has just run it's course?? I've ended it, and he comes back. He emailed me a "happy new year" (cuz he's gone), and i told him to have a great time.

 

Any OM out there that can tell me where I stand & what the hell he might be thinking? Like I said, I don't want him to leave his W.

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I used to think it meant something when my xMM kept trying to get me back after I'd end it with him over and over again. It didn't mean anything except that he didn't want to lose a person he could have sex with. This no-gift thing is never going to make you feel any better. He's doing it so that if his wife ever finds out about the affair, one of the questions she's going to ask is, "Did you buy her things???!!!" and he'll be able to truthfully say no. She'll go through his records, maybe even call you, and when she realizes it's true, she'll interpret that as 'he treated this woman like crap so she must've not meant anything to him', and then they'll go on with their merry lives. Also, to many men, giving a gift to a woman means there's some form of promise attached to it and I'm sure he doesn't want to give you that impression.

 

First of all, stop buying him things when he doesn't buy things for you. That's just completely ridiculous. The gift thing isn't going to get any better. He's using you, no matter what he says, no matter what you think. And don't downplay it like it doesn't matter to you because it does. If you don't want him to leave his marrage, then why are you with him? You just like sleeping with married men? Do you not see the arrogance of this man? He takes his wife on a vacation, probably beautiful gifts for xmas, they have dinners together, shop and buy things together, and all that. He totally understands the importance of gift-giving, so don't think he doesn't understand that it bothers you. And here you are a single girl (I'm assuming) who's sitting on the sidelines waiting for a guy who will never be with you, who never buys you gifts, and treats you like an afterthought.

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GreenEyedLady
I just don't know what he wants from me anymore.

 

He emailed me a "happy new year" (cuz he's gone), and i told him to have a great time.

 

Any OM out there that can tell me where I stand & what the hell he might be thinking? Like I said, I don't want him to leave his W.

 

Well, he doesn't want another W to have to lavish gifts on or hold him to any type of expectation.

 

I don't know why you would send him anything, even an email.

 

You should have answered his email with silence.

 

I think you have not heard the saying: the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

 

He doesn't want anything serious with you and he wants you when it's convenient for him. End of story.

 

Do something DIFFERENT!

 

GEL

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Perhaps you can take a cue from your title and give a copy of Fiona Apple's song "Parting Gift".

 

But then it might make more sense coming from the MM to the OW.

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WHY are you mailing him anything?

 

Hasn't he made it obvious he isn't really too concerned about you? He treats you poorly, he has no intention of leaving his wife.... yet you proclaim that is not what you want (him to leave his wife)

 

So exactly what do you want? Scraps of time from him?

 

You surely don't sound content with "just" an affair....

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Heather did you mail it? Hopefully you saw these responses before you did.

 

If you DID mail it, then make that the LAST thing you send this selfish SOB.

 

And do think twice about what you want from this. If you are aking these questions, then it means you want more, even if you havent really fully admitted that to yourself yet.

 

Its going to come back and bite you BIG TIME.

 

Protect yourself. Noone ends an A until they are ready, but think about starting the new year without him so that you are in a position to meet and be with someone who loves the idea of bringing you presents - even if its just a bunch of flowers he picked along the road.

 

This guy is a taker and as long as you are continuing to give, he will continue to take.

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I haven't sent it. I'm married too & neither of us want to get divorced. But yeah, I've fallen harder & it's a problem. Not one that he knows about, but one i'm struggling with.

 

His best friend emailed me today, and seems to do so every time OM is out of town. I'm really confused.

 

I did promise him that if I expected anything more, we'd stop. Mostly because I don't really want families torn apart, etc. I wanted to be best friends, lovers, and continue for as long as it lasts. Ideal huh? Except maybe I really do want more?

 

I'm going to go out of town for a few days by myself & think. It's been a really stressful few months in my personal life. This is now turning into an added pressure I can't resolve!

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I don't know....

 

I just thought after he knew how upset I was about him breaking NC on my birthday, and then not even getting me anything, he'd know it was important to me. Do most AP exchange gifts?

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I don't know....

 

I just thought after he knew how upset I was about him breaking NC on my birthday, and then not even getting me anything, he'd know it was important to me. Do most AP exchange gifts?

 

My MM and I do. Nothing big, just small tokens of affection. He knows I am struggling financially, and so we bought each other small gifts for Christmas, and he gave me some extra money to buy more gifts for my children, because he knew that providing my children with a good Christmas was of utmost importance to me.

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I don't know....

 

I just thought after he knew how upset I was about him breaking NC on my birthday, and then not even getting me anything, he'd know it was important to me. Do most AP exchange gifts?

 

He does understand how important it is to you. That's kind of the kicker, isn't it? You know, you could just talk to him about it but it seems that this situation is getting deeper and deeper, and more and more complicated for you. I think that if you end it with him, you're going to have to learn to ignore him when he breaks NC.

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GreenEyedLady
Mostly because I don't really want families torn apart, etc. I wanted to be best friends, lovers, and continue for as long as it lasts. Ideal huh? Except maybe I really do want more?

 

Wouldn't the ideal be to have this with YOUR H?!

 

Why stay with your H if you want an OM to be your best friend, lover? If your H isn't giving you want you need/want, why don't you tell him that?

 

Because the way this is going is that two families are going to be devastated. You're in love with another man and mad that he doesn't feel the same way about you.

 

The A is what is making your life stressful. All the lies you have to remember and keep track of, the time you have to account for, possibility of being caught and your H leaving you.

 

You should deal with first things first. What is about your M that makes you want to step outside it? And if your H and M is all that bad, why don't you leave it?

 

GEL

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bentnotbroken
Wouldn't the ideal be to have this with YOUR H?!

 

Why stay with your H if you want an OM to be your best friend, lover? If your H isn't giving you want you need/want, why don't you tell him that?

 

Because the way this is going is that two families are going to be devastated. You're in love with another man and mad that he doesn't feel the same way about you.

 

The A is what is making your life stressful. All the lies you have to remember and keep track of, the time you have to account for, possibility of being caught and your H leaving you.

 

You should deal with first things first. What is about your M that makes you want to step outside it? And if your H and M is all that bad, why don't you leave it?

 

GEL

 

 

 

Well said.

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Totally agree with GEL.

 

And this MM has shown you, by the lack of gifts, that you are a F buddy, not a relationship. Yet you still buy him gifts.

 

Why?

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I've been gone, haven't heard from him because he's still gone too. Lots of soul searching, about my h, about OM. Yes, I'm aware all this is ever going to be is an A....& I'm OK with that. I care about him a lot, but still not at the expense of tearing apart our families. If I was younger, I'd be horrified @ the f buddy concept. I think our biggest problem is his guilt, which I understand. As to a future for us, I just don't envision us married, etc.. So basically, I just like the A too. My problem is before the PA, he was SO great to me & we saw each other all the time. He'd really go out of his way, and he was always doing thoughtful things. Since the PA, he's been guilt ridden & is a basket case. So maybe I should just go back to the EA? I really like the sex, but he always feels so bad after. He's not really the jerk here, it's me.

 

About my H.....we're on our last leg. My trip (by myself) was so nice. I watched lovers on the beach, taking pictures of each other, etc.. Both of them equally attracted . I haven't had those hand holding moments w/ my H......ever (20 years). I know it's selfish, but I really needed just to feel that for someone.

 

I didn't send the gift, I don't know when he gets back from his trip. Maybe he & his W totally bonded & I'm out. We made better friends anyway.

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What is it that makes you the jerk over him? I don't get that. Is it because you're not sure what you want to get out of it but for him it's clear that it's just an affair? I don't think that makes you a jerk Heather. Not in relation to him. If you are content to just have an affair with him - nothing more - then fair play to you, but I don't think in that case that you should exchange gifts.

 

I think you do need to think about what you want out of it as an affair. If it's just about the sex, which it doesn't sound like it is, then be clear and honest with yourself. If it's about more than just the sex, then I agree with GEL, why can't you get that from you husband? If your marriage is hopeless then you need to examine that first. The affair will only complicate things, especially if your husband finds out. Deal with one thing at a time otherwise I think you'll become even more confused.

 

Be honest with yourself about what you want and whether you can find that in your MM.

 

Best of luck to you Heather.

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thanks HH...

 

I want us to be lovers & friends for as long as it lasts, that's all. I do want to know that I'm appreciated though, and this gift thing is more proof that I'm not.

 

I seem to put myself in a position where I have 2 men that I'm lowest on the priority list with. I won't go into my "troubled marriage."

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I've been gone, haven't heard from him because he's still gone too. Lots of soul searching, about my h, about OM. Yes, I'm aware all this is ever going to be is an A....& I'm OK with that. I care about him a lot, but still not at the expense of tearing apart our families. If I was younger, I'd be horrified @ the f buddy concept. I think our biggest problem is his guilt, which I understand. As to a future for us, I just don't envision us married, etc.. So basically, I just like the A too. My problem is before the PA, he was SO great to me & we saw each other all the time. He'd really go out of his way, and he was always doing thoughtful things. Since the PA, he's been guilt ridden & is a basket case. So maybe I should just go back to the EA? I really like the sex, but he always feels so bad after. He's not really the jerk here, it's me.

 

About my H.....we're on our last leg. My trip (by myself) was so nice. I watched lovers on the beach, taking pictures of each other, etc.. Both of them equally attracted . I haven't had those hand holding moments w/ my H......ever (20 years). I know it's selfish, but I really needed just to feel that for someone.

 

I didn't send the gift, I don't know when he gets back from his trip. Maybe he & his W totally bonded & I'm out. We made better friends anyway.

 

It may not be possible to go back to the EA and as its not a healthy alternative. Take the opportunity in the new year to give yourself a fresh start. Perhaps OM was a crutch to see you through the last leg of your marriage. Take it for what it was but as you CLEARLY want more than he is or will ever be willing to give you need to move on.

 

Im not saying he is a bad guy but you are making excuses for why your needs arent being met. Doesnt matter WHY. The fact is they are not and will not be by this relationship.

 

If he is feeling guilty, then you need to stop. Someone who is feeling guilty is not cut out for an A (I will leave the idea that you might think about expecting more for yourself to others).

 

Happy new year - new year new decade fresh start...

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whichwayisup
I seem to put myself in a position where I have 2 men that I'm lowest on the priority list with. I won't go into my "troubled marriage."

You happy about that?

 

You've allowed BOTH men, your husband and your MM to treat you this way. You chose this yet you're STILL willing to be MM's friend and lover? No strings A? And you are still married.

 

Heather, it's YOUR life, DO something with it, make it better - Get rid of both of these bozo's and go find yourself! Life is shorter than you realize.

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I think my life is short attitude got me in this boat in the first place! 3 good friends passed away within months of each other during our friendship.

 

I'm sure he is an exit A. And you're right about his guilt...this is the first A for both of us & he's just not able to feel anything but guilt, I can't blame him for that. He's never lied to me (about a troubled M, leaving his W, love).

 

Back to the life is short....yeah, a walk on the beach w/ a lover/friend is on my bucket list. It's not going to be this guy (or my H). As much as the TW stuff doesn't really relate to me, I'm surprised he found the time to juggle so many women. I thought the reason my OM couldn't find time was because he's so successful. Not many more successful than TW, and he found the time.

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Heather, even though there's a lot about being with this MM that you like, especially maybe the way he makes you feel, I also get from you that you're ready for a change. You're ready to have that exclusive, devoted love with someone.

 

When I got involved in an affair, I didn't expect to end up feeling the way I did, the way we both did, and as these feelings only grew I naturally wanted more. It was this wanting more that made me realise that not only could I not carry on with my previous relationship (the man I was with before I met MM), but I could also not settle for not being MM's priority; I felt too much for him to just pick up the crumbs. The way I felt when I was with MM... well, I want that all the time. I know that relationships change over time, but I want that initial connection and attraction.

 

It's hard to walk away and start completely over, but I owe it to myself to try, and I think you're the same. Find that man that's going to take those walks on the beach with you, Heather, and so much more.

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HH, we both deserve that!!

 

I think what I want is just the companionship, when I want it. I'm very independent, and very much a loner. I don't really want a whole lot more from OM, just some appreciation. The Charlie Brown kicking the football thing is just not fun!!

 

He just sent me a really nice note, after not talking to him for a week.

 

What is surprising me the most out of all this is HOW HARD IT IS TO GET OUT OF!!! I swear, when I was single (two decades ago), I could drop someone on a dime no matter how much I liked them. If they didn't treat me right, next. It's like A's never get out of that mythical level into reality so you're stuck.

 

I'm going to go ride my unicorn now.....

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