He was mine first - My first love found me...

[JoyDevine]

..and I think he wants me to be the other woman.

He says that's not his intention, but if we keep in contact that is what will happen.

 

First I want to say THANK YOU. I have been reading here for a few weeks and I think that all of you may have saved me some heartache. The thing is... I'm not sure I want to let this go.

 

Background - he was my first love, (first everything) and best friend for about ten years. He asked me to marry him. I said no. It's complicated but basically I wasn't ready, wasn't sure, wasn't exactly feeling "in love"... I think I took for granted that he'd always be there because of the nature of our relationship. We went in and out of being friends and lovers for years because it was a long distance thing mostly.

 

We remained friends after the proposal and eventually he started dating someone. I met her - saw the two together. They were not good together, they argued a lot and I didn't think it would go anywhere. Then she got pregnant (unplanned) and then had another. Sometime after the second baby we lost touch. (again another long story)

 

We were out of touch for about ten years until he tracked me down a couple of months ago. He had been looking for years. He never stopped loving me.

Within two days of contact I had fallen in love with him again. We began what I would consider to be an emotional affair by email and telephone. We are in different countries. He told me he had married the mother of his children about four years ago - for his parents. (it's important in his culture) I asked him if he was committed to her even if they didn't marry. He said "yes", if he had children with a woman then he was committed to being with her for the children.

 

Finally, I found this board.. thought and thought.. and ended it. I explained why and told him that if he was ever single again to call me.

And I think I might have done the wrong thing.

Because

- I don't connect with many people. I don't have many friends at all. I am extremely shy (maybe social phobia) But being with him was never hard.

- He has always provided me with emotional support.

- I am in love with him and that just doesn't happen for me... ever.

- Life is short and it occurred to me that I will never see or talk to him - basically the only man I've ever loved, and the closest friend - again. Ever.

 

I feel like because of the distance maybe we can be friends - we can't do too much damage, it can't become physical. But I also feel like it would be wrong. And hurtful if she found out.

Sometimes I think - there are three people here. Someone is going to get hurt. Right now it is me and him. We're hurting so she doesn't have to. But if we resume our relationship we won't be hurting. And if she doesn't find out, she won't be either.

that sounds so bad.

 

How can I never see him again - for my whole life???? I feel .. almost blessed that he was able to find me. Like a "meant to be" feeling.

[Fallen Angel]

He was yours first, and you didn't want him. Obviously she did and still does. Trust me, distance will not save your heart. RUN GIRL RUN.. it isn't worth it!!! The pain it will cause will not be worth it, for you or for him.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

You've done the right thing by ending it. I hate to say it. But you have. EA's are painful things. They may seem wonderful at first, but when you get to the point of longing to be together, the pain far outweighs the happiness. If its really "meant to be" it will "be" in the right situation, with both of you single.

[bentnotbroken]

I can't do too much damage

 

Do you really believe emotional affairs don't too cause damage. You admit there will be damage, but your goal is not to cause too much, is this right?

[jennie-jennie]

JoyDevine, so much of your post reminded me of me and my story. I have been with my highschool sweetheart for four years now as his other woman. I too suffer of what might be described as social phobia. We too are long distance.

 

I do not regret at all that we are in this relationship. It has been very hard at times, but I love him and he loves me, and it has been so worth it.

 

You are not protected by the long distance. If you can not picture yourself as his other woman, I will have to agree with those who say to run. I read somewhere that to meet your old sweetheart is powerful beyond imagination, much more powerful than the original love story was. In my case, that has proven to be true.

[JoyDevine]

RUN GIRL RUN.. it isn't worth it!!!

 

I owe you a special thanks.

I think your posts have made an impact on me most of all. Some of them are so heartbreaking.

BUT I find myself rooting for you, and wanting you to get your man. That's not good..

I swear - from reading these boards you'd never know that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Everyone here stays married!

[JoyDevine]

Do you really believe emotional affairs don't too cause damage. You admit there will be damage, but your goal is not to cause too much, is this right?

 

well... I don't really know what the damage of an emotional affair would be to her.

Maybe the damage has already been done. There have always been 3 people in her marriage. The two of them and the memory of me.

[whichwayisup]

He was never really yours, if he was you would have married him years ago.

 

He's moved on, and whatever lines he's told you about being unhappy, or the observations between him and his wife now, doesn't hold up. You have no idea what life is like for them behind closed doors.

 

Don't be the OW. Reach for the stars! Go higher than settling to be second fiddle, taking table scraps. Don't you think you're worth more than that?

 

You WILL find love and a connection with someone else.

[JoyDevine]

I read somewhere that to meet your old sweetheart is powerful beyond imagination, much more powerful than the original love story was. In my case, that has proven to be true.

 

It really, really is.

I don't know your full story, but I did see a post referencing that he was your high school sweetheart.

Are you also long distance? Do you see each other? Is he happily married? Or just staying for kids?

[JoyDevine]

 

He's moved on,

No. He searched for me for years and never stopped loving me.

 

 

Go higher than settling to be second fiddle, taking table scraps. Don't you think you're worth more than that?

 

Sometimes I don't think that.

[bentnotbroken]

well... I don't really know what the damage of an emotional affair would be to her.

Maybe the damage has already been done. There have always been 3 people in her marriage. The two of them and the memory of me.

 

 

That does not speak well of his character. Sounds like a winner of a guy.

[JoyDevine]

I agree completely with Fallen Angel's advice.

 

The hole you feel in your heart will heal. Be kind and good to yourself. Fill that empty place up with friends and family and find something you love to do instead of thinking about what could have been or worse going back to something (him) that will only cause you much greater pain in the end.

 

You have your life, he has his and they are separate, that is the reality.

 

 

Hugs..........

 

Thank you. This is what I've been trying to tell myself.

(in between my obsessive thoughts of him)

[JoyDevine]

That does not speak well of his character. Sounds like a winner of a guy.

 

???

the fact that he never got over me doesn't speak well of his character?

[whichwayisup]

No. He searched for me for years and never stopped loving me.

 

Sometimes I don't think that.

 

But he wasn't available, he was looking but he is with someone else. It's inappropriate, selfish and wrong of him to do that, even more so since he has no plans on leaving her.

 

You ARE worth that and more! Just because you love him, love how he makes you feel doesn't mean he's right for you. IF he was, you would have married him a long time ago.

 

He was your first everything and now it's time to let him go, close your heart, heal and find that special someone who is going to adore and love you the way you deserve to be loved. Leave the past in the past!!!!

[Fallen Angel]

I owe you a special thanks.

I think your posts have made an impact on me most of all. Some of them are so heartbreaking.

BUT I find myself rooting for you, and wanting you to get your man. That's not good..

I swear - from reading these boards you'd never know that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Everyone here stays married!

 

Joy,

 

My posts are heart breaking, because this relationship breaks my heart. Everyday I am with him, is a day that I am not being true to myself. Being an OW is not a life I would have ever chosen for myself if he had been honest with me from the start. And every day that I accept less is another day that I lose a little more of myself.

 

He is selfish. He takes and takes and takes from me, and I offer myself up to him on a silver platter and with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes, and a heart torn in little tiny peices. And the truth is, if he loved me, really loved me like he says he does, he would never be able to see me falling apart and be the cause of it. But he is selfish, and cruel, and loves me just enough to want to keep me around to make him happy, no matter what it does to me.

 

Please, do not do this. It will destroy you.

[whichwayisup]

???

the fact that he never got over me doesn't speak well of his character?

Fact that he didn't divorce, didn't take time for himself before looking for you, and fact that he looked for you while with someone else just means that he was looking for you as a fill in side dish. Sorry if I'm coming across harshly.. This is what I mean by you deserve MORE than he is willing to give you.

[bentnotbroken]

???

the fact that he never got over me doesn't speak well of his character?

 

 

The fact that he "says" he searched( I think he is full of crap) for you. The fact that you say there have always been 3 people in his marriage. That means he allowed 3 people to be there. What a winner.

[bentnotbroken]

Fact that he didn't divorce, didn't take time for himself before looking for you, and fact that he looked for you while with someone else just means that he was looking for you as a fill in side dish. Sorry if I'm coming across harshly.. This is what I mean by you deserve MORE than he is willing to give you.

 

 

Amen WWIU, amen.

[JoyDevine]

Joy,

 

My posts are heart breaking, because this relationship breaks my heart. Everyday I am with him, is a day that I am not being true to myself. Being an OW is not a life I would have ever chosen for myself if he had been honest with me from the start. And every day that I accept less is another day that I lose a little more of myself.

 

He is selfish. He takes and takes and takes from me, and I offer myself up to him on a silver platter and with a smile on my face and tears in my eyes, and a heart torn in little tiny peices. And the truth is, if he loved me, really loved me like he says he does, he would never be able to see me falling apart and be the cause of it. But he is selfish, and cruel, and loves me just enough to want to keep me around to make him happy, no matter what it does to me.

 

Please, do not do this. It will destroy you.

 

Wow.

So you didn't know he was married?? He lied to you?

 

Well I take it back - I'm not rooting for you to have him. He doesn't sound worth having.

I hope you can break free one day.

I do know this about heartbreak - it does heal. I had my heart broken a few years back and thought I'd never get over it. But after realizing that we couldn't be friends, and not having any contact with him at all, it just kind of faded eventually. And it didn't even take as long as I thought it would.

 

I'm hoping for the same thing with this situation but it seems like so much more - I met him when I was still a child basically. He feels like a part of me.

[skywriter]

....and Joy, best not to muddy up any fond memories of your childhood yrs with this man.

 

If you two get involved the odds are against you having those fond memories at the forefront of your thoughts.

 

If you think you're soical phobic now, just imagine how you'll be when he finishes putting you through some of the similar MM stories us women have told here.

 

If you read long enough, you're bound to quote the ole'"it's amazing how similar our stories are".

 

RUN--------and never go there!

[Fallen Angel]

Wow.

So you didn't know he was married?? He lied to you?

 

Well I take it back - I'm not rooting for you to have him. He doesn't sound worth having.

I hope you can break free one day.

I do know this about heartbreak - it does heal. I had my heart broken a few years back and thought I'd never get over it. But after realizing that we couldn't be friends, and not having any contact with him at all, it just kind of faded eventually. And it didn't even take as long as I thought it would.

 

I'm hoping for the same thing with this situation but it seems like so much more - I met him when I was still a child basically. He feels like a part of me.

 

Yes, he lied. Lied by ommision... just left it up to me to decide that this man who was persuing me so relentlessly (for friendship only at the time) and NEVER discussed his wife, must because of never discussing her, must not still be with her... I mean.. TEN YEARS?? and he never said, oh, by the way, I am still married???

 

UGH...

 

If there is anything I can say to you that will make you stop this before it has gone any further.. just tell me, I will say it.. ask me anything... i guess I feel if I can stop just one person from ever feeling like I feel, then I have somehow regained a bit of myself back.... and there is hope for me..

 

Joy, I promise you.. if I thought there was hope for you in this, I would be here cheering for your love.. but I am living proof that loving someone is not enough... it will never be enough... just let this one go... walk away while you still have the strength to do it..

[JoyDevine]

Fact that he didn't divorce, didn't take time for himself before looking for you, and fact that he looked for you while with someone else just means that he was looking for you as a fill in side dish. Sorry if I'm coming across harshly.. This is what I mean by you deserve MORE than he is willing to give you.

 

I think he thought that we would be able to be friends.

One of the first things he said was "come visit".

 

I assumed he meant that I would be visiting him and his family. I realized within a few days that that wouldn't be a good idea.

He might have been surprised by my feelings. I was.

[JoyDevine]

I'm sorry for the derail, but I don't have PM functions yet.

 

Fallen Angel.....you are such a sweet, sweet woman and so very kind hearted ...

 

NO problem. And I agree with everything you said.

[JoyDevine]

... walk away while you still have the strength to do it..

 

I will.

I just keep thinking - forever. I'll never, ever talk to him again.

 

I guess I should think like a 12 step program - one day at a time.

[Fallen Angel]

I will.

I just keep thinking - forever. I'll never, ever talk to him again.

 

I guess I should think like a 12 step program - one day at a time.

 

My MM and I were 'friends' for a lot of years... never lovers, never romantic... just internet friends... and we lost contact for a long time... he was sent overseas after 9-11, and it was several years before I heard from him again.... If I had never heard from him again, would I have wondered what happened to him? Of course.. but my life would not have been consumed by him.

 

If your MM had never contacted you again, would you have searched him out?? probably not.... just like you let him go all those years ago, and did not die, you can do it now. especially since the new contact is so 'new'... you can do this.. do all the things you did before.. live your life... one day at a time if that is what it takes... and remember, you did just fine without him before.. you can and will again.

 

The more contact you have with him now, the harder it will be to let go. and it doesn't have to be forever... maybe someday five or ten years from now, when you look back fondly on the 'childhood love'. you will be able to talk to him again.. just from a less vulnerable place....