willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 wow before i typed out a new thread, then it dissappeared. i guess i have to start over. i have been reading this forum, and you guys seem ok, i'm new to this forum. i'll a short version of my affair. i have been in my affair for 3 years and content until 4 months ago. not being happy at home i moved out in the summer. my husband would not really let go, and i know i hurt him. then dealing with being second best in an affair, not wanting to be a secret, i moved back home. not for love of my husband, but out of guilt. during this time i also miscarried my ap baby at 6 weeks. my ap did get back in touch with me, and we talked. i really hurt him leaving the way i did and not talking to him. my ap wife moved out of state about 12 hours away with his kids. he's here in the house. i moved out again, moving home in the first place was a mistake. i knew i would only hurt my husband, and i did not want to lie and do that him. it's not fair to him. he still can't let go though. anyway since my ap has been alone a couple of weeks, for the holidays he drove out to spend it with his kids staying at his wifes place. i spent christmas with my husband and family. is it selfish of me to feel hurt that he left, even though i understand why he did so. he told me today that later on in the week he's having christams with the rest of his family, and making a huge dinner. i felt hurt when he said this to me, i felt resentful. again am i being selfish for my feelings. i know that i wont meet the people who are an important part of his life, and that matter, and it kills me. i know the way i'm feeling right now i'll say something very hurtful out of anger. i try to pretend that i'm happy for him, and then i get selfish and say how much i miss him and want him to come home. i only think of my feelings. i already said to myself i wont email or call him,he's been working hard and doing that. i need guidance on how to handle this. thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 First thing you have to do, put your husband out of his misery for real, divorce him. Even if he begs you not to, still divorce and make it as easy and quick as possible, don't get nasty or anything. The sooner the better so your H can heal, and move on. As for your MM, seems he has no intention of leaving his wife and kids. Instead of being his OW, walk away and be alone. Sort yourself out and get therapy to help you cope with everything. You've made some bad choices, ones that have hurt your H, hurt yourself, plus the loss of a pregnancy.. Did your H know about that and the A? If he does, does he want to tell MM's wife about the A? Take care of you, and let MM go, unless you want to stay second fiddle. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 You are being selfish, toward your H. Whether he let's go or not, you can start divorce proceedings just like WWIU said. Moving in with him, giving him hope and knowing your true feelings the whole time is wrong and you are using him. Either to make MM jealous or to not be alone. Let him go. MM actions are pissing you off yet you are doing the same type of painful things to your H. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 i know it's not fair to my husband. he keeps on tracking me down, begging me to call. the problem is i'm not in love with him. today we had an honest talk about how i felt about him. i miss my ap immensley, and like i said he]s 12 hours away, but will be coming back after the new year. as of right now he has no intentons of moving out there. i did break up with my ap once because of being a secret, it destroyed me, it's so hard to do. this is why i moved out again so as not to hurt my husband and move on with our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 i know it's not fair to my husband. he keeps on tracking me down, begging me to call. the problem is i'm not in love with him. today we had an honest talk about how i felt about him. i miss my ap immensley, and like i said he's 12 hours away, but will be coming back after the new year. as of right now he has no intentons of moving out there. i did break up with my ap once because of being a secret, it destroyed me, it's so hard to do. this is why i moved out again so as not to hurt my husband and move on with our lives. i don't want to hurt anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 i know it's not fair to my husband. he keeps on tracking me down, begging me to call. the problem is i'm not in love with him. today we had an honest talk about how i felt about him. i miss my ap immensley, and like i said he]s 12 hours away, but will be coming back after the new year. as of right now he has no intentons of moving out there. i did break up with my ap once because of being a secret, it destroyed me, it's so hard to do. this is why i moved out again so as not to hurt my husband and move on with our lives. Two words di vorce:rolleyes:. Him tracking you done means what? When you want out, you leave and stay gone......period. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 bent i do not want to make my mm jealous. like i said i moved back out of guilt, it did not work. it was a wrong choice. i know i hurt my husband, and i know choices have to be made. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 i have read talked with divorced people about wavering in the past. i use to think, it's easy split and move on. it's not. guilt will bring you back, knowing you hurt someone wether you love them or not will bring you back, comfort, finances. i waver out of guilt. i know it's wrong, it's that final decision that is painful. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 bent i do not want to make my mm jealous. like i said i moved back out of guilt, it did not work. it was a wrong choice. i know i hurt my husband, and i know choices have to be made. Guilt doesn't work either as you have found out. You already know the right thing but you haven't chosen that. So what are you going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 i have read talked with divorced people about wavering in the past. i use to think, it's easy split and move on. it's not. guilt will bring you back, knowing you hurt someone wether you love them or not will bring you back, comfort, finances. i waver out of guilt. i know it's wrong, it's that final decision that is painful. No guilt doesn't always bring you back. There are quite a few people on here who have been in A and guilt didn't send them back home. NO one said it was easy. Most things in life aren't, especially the right things. But it is necessary not to allow the pain to be prolonged any more than necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 bury head in the sand. idk right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 bent ty, i really do appreciate your insight. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 i have read talked with divorced people about wavering in the past. i use to think, it's easy split and move on. it's not. guilt will bring you back, knowing you hurt someone wether you love them or not will bring you back, comfort, finances. i waver out of guilt. i know it's wrong, it's that final decision that is painful. I never ONCE waivered about getting a divorce. NOT ONCE. Never thought about reconciling, never wanted to. My H was the same way with his divorce. I guess this waivering thing has me confused. If you are waivering, to ME, that signals you really don't know what you want. In your situation, I think you are playing a game with your H. You only 'want' him when the man you are having an affair with isn't available. That isn't fair to him. If you truly DO NOT want your marriage, MOVE out and get yourself your OWN place. Do NOT have the MM move in with you. Work on yourself - figure out why you need a man in your life. Try to live your OWN life without a man in it. Only then will you be able to have a mature relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 i am living in my own place. i moved out a second time. my mm has his own place. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 my ap and i spoke last night for a while, and a said to him how i felt sad and overly emotional from missing him. then said to him how i wanted so badly to be a part of his life meeting the people that are important to him. he said to me maybe one day and to relax and enjoy our time together. then we talked of something that happened over the summertime where i did hurt him a lot and almost broke us up. i would say it was a good conversation of especially my ap opening up and telling me what's bothering him. that's a huge step for us. he's never done that before. i do want so badly to be an important priority in what's important to him in his life. it's paiful. i said to him i knew what i had gotten into when i walked into this, but never expected it to evolve this far. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 he said to me maybe one day Hook, line and sinker. There you go.. Just enough hope given to keep you waiting and interested in him, to keep the affair going. THIS MAN IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE HIS WIFE AND KIDS FOR YOU! It makes NO difference to him that you are no longer with your H. Infact, it makes it easier on him because now he KNOWS he can call you anytime and you will come see him. How can you be high on his priority list when he has a wife and kids? Honestly, it sounds like he wants you on the side, just an affair - And you want it ALL from him, the whole package. This is where you are going to get really hurt if you don't walk away soon. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Willow, In a way, it sounds like the MM is using you and causing you to not let go. Irionically, you may be experiencing the pain that your H is feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Willow, I have no idea whether or not this man plans to split from his wife for good. But I do think that if he's only be seperated a few weeks, that's WAY too soon for you to be meeting the family, particularly if there is kids involved. He needs to be able to adjust to life without his wife - let her side of the bed get cold - before he moves you into that spot. Secondly, it is the holidays, and that's going to be a weird time especially with the separation being so fresh. I suggest you watch his actions carefully from her on out. And most importantly, you have to adjust to life without your H, which may or may not involve MM, but I'd plan on "not", just to be safe. Focus on what you have to do to resolve the dissolution of your marriage and let MM focus on his marriage. After that's all done, there'll be plenty of time to figure out how your two lives can come together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 brokenlady, your response makes a lot of sense. it hurts because he's there and i'm here and i miss him. i know it's way too soon to expect anything from him. 2 weeks ago i broke up with him because he landed in severe depression, and it was not me he needed. he was missing his kids and could not pull himself out of it. i told him to go see your wife and kids, try to make your marraige work. i was crushed by telling him to do this. 2 days later he emailed me and told me he needed me by his side. he made me dinner and we exchanged xmas gifts the day before he left. my mm is having a big fancy dinner with the rest of his family, it's hard to hear. it's too soon to tell what will happen, but i wont wait 4ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 To me he sounds torn. He choose his family - then realised he misses you, then he chooses you and realises he misses his family. I think that you need to take him out of the equation, regardless of your feelings for him, whilst you figure out what you want from your own marriage. It would probably be best if you work on that - either dissolving it or moving towards fixing it with, as BL said, MM out of the picture, because there is a chance that if you end your marriage you will be on your own. Maybe MM needs a little more time and space than you needed to figure out what he wants. Think about whether you really can give that to him or not. The space might be a good thing for you too and you can figure out what it feels like without him. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 You have been in the affair 3 years......... How much longer are you going to wait? I understand he cares for you; he don't offer the same things his wife does. But............ He said "maybe". He didn't say for SURE you two would be together - he said MAYBE. Listen to his words; watch his actions. From my perspective, this is not a man who is going to leave his family for you. He enjoys you --- on the side; but not as the main dish. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Actually, yes, I agree with FO, in this situation 'maybe' doesn't sound promising. Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 at one point i was seeing a therapist. i had been seeing her a for a while, and she knows all about my affair, my pregnancy, and loosing my baby. it was a devastating time for me. i really wanted my baby, although my ap was for an abortion. he knew there was no way i could terminate his child. i know miscarrying was a blessing in disguise. we where very careless in our form of birth control, and now we are both extremely anal on bc. he blames himself, it was a tough lesson learned. point being to this, i need to go and start seeing my therapist again. it helps to talk, she helps to guide me. when i was pregnant, she helped me find places to stay before i would start to show, and listened. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 I'm sorry Willow, I think it would be a good thing for you to start seeing your therapist again because having someone to talk to and understand is really important. Does she know about the situation regarding the affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author willowfields Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) my therapist knows everything. she knows about the baby, my miscarriage, my moving out the first time. i never told her about me moving back home. i just think my pregnancy hormones had a lot to do with me making that decision. my therapist told me i should've talked to her first before i made that decision. my therapist knows that i moved backed out. i have not been to see her since then. Edited December 28, 2009 by willowfields to add more info. Link to post Share on other sites
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