hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 So we are at day 10 of NC and I actually had to look at the calendar as I had no idea what day it is!! Everyone around me has had a great Christmas, my brave face has served me well but my heart is still breaking. As soon as I'm alone I curl up and sob and I just can't stop it. My head is yelling 'pull yourself together' but my heart hurts so bad. I can't eat and the only way I can sleep is to drink, not fall over drunk but at least 3 glasses of red wine each night. I was cleaning the house this morning and had my i pod on and every other song had me crying again. Everything I watch on TV reminds me of him and I still can't talk about him out loud without breaking down (I tried today with my mum). I know I need to move on and my head understands this, (I think) but I really don't feel any better than I did last week. Link to post Share on other sites
CCNowWhat Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 So we are at day 10 of NC and I actually had to look at the calendar as I had no idea what day it is!! Everyone around me has had a great Christmas, my brave face has served me well but my heart is still breaking. As soon as I'm alone I curl up and sob and I just can't stop it. My head is yelling 'pull yourself together' but my heart hurts so bad. I can't eat and the only way I can sleep is to drink, not fall over drunk but at least 3 glasses of red wine each night. I was cleaning the house this morning and had my i pod on and every other song had me crying again. Everything I watch on TV reminds me of him and I still can't talk about him out loud without breaking down (I tried today with my mum). I know I need to move on and my head understands this, (I think) but I really don't feel any better than I did last week. I am really sorry you are feeling this way and I understand. Its been 13 days since I have had any contact. Today was bad for me too but I think I may have pms so that is probably why. I am on an anti-dep because I can't handle my feelings on a day to day basis with all of this. Work will not allow for any breakdowns and I need to make myself better. I was crying this morning for a little bit because I missed him but it passed. The pills just take the edge off so I can function. I am not a big advocate of pills but it has helped me tremendously. I hope that you are ok and if you need someone to talk to who I understands, I am here. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 You will move on H4U. You will, but first you need to feel the loss of the relationship you thought you had and the dreams you shared. There will be more fulfilling, stronger and - most importantly - honest relationships in your future. I feel so incredibly down right now and I know what you mean about the brave face. I am determined though that this brave face will soon be sincere and the shadow of him will leave me soon. I'm so sorry that you feel like this though. Keep posting here and take it easy on that red wine, hon. It's another slippery slope that you do not need. (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Im sorry sweetie... wish I could hang out with you and tell stories and drink some of that Vino with ya Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 I am really sorry you are feeling this way and I understand. Its been 13 days since I have had any contact. Today was bad for me too but I think I may have pms so that is probably why. I am on an anti-dep because I can't handle my feelings on a day to day basis with all of this. Work will not allow for any breakdowns and I need to make myself better. I was crying this morning for a little bit because I missed him but it passed. The pills just take the edge off so I can function. I am not a big advocate of pills but it has helped me tremendously. I hope that you are ok and if you need someone to talk to who I understands, I am here. Thanks CC and ditto if you need someone to talk to I'm here also((hugs)) its so frustrating as I know I'm not helping myself by getting upset. I'm not back at work until the 4th Jan and I'm dreading it. 1 for the fact I can't seem to hold it together and 2 because he may turn up at my office and I really don't know what I will be like. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 You will move on H4U. You will, but first you need to feel the loss of the relationship you thought you had and the dreams you shared. There will be more fulfilling, stronger and - most importantly - honest relationships in your future. I feel so incredibly down right now and I know what you mean about the brave face. I am determined though that this brave face will soon be sincere and the shadow of him will leave me soon. I'm so sorry that you feel like this though. Keep posting here and take it easy on that red wine, hon. It's another slippery slope that you do not need. (((hugs))) I think a lot of my problem is that I'm surprised at myself for letting him do this to me and yeah putting that brave face on takes it out of you, big time. Posting here is a huge help. At least when I have days like this I can get it all out, I think I would of gone in sane over the last week without it!! I'll do my best to keep the red wine down to a minimum I promise but I'm not sure I can handle not sleeping on top of everything else. Thank you so much for the hugs. x Link to post Share on other sites
CCNowWhat Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Thanks CC and ditto if you need someone to talk to I'm here also((hugs)) its so frustrating as I know I'm not helping myself by getting upset. I'm not back at work until the 4th Jan and I'm dreading it. 1 for the fact I can't seem to hold it together and 2 because he may turn up at my office and I really don't know what I will be like. Maybe you will be better when you go back to work. It is hard being home when all you have is time to focus on this situation. If you have to cry, let it out. If I have to cry I just let the tears flow and then I am done with it (for the time being anyway) Do you think it is an option for you to take something just to even yourself out? It has helped me sooo much I can't even begin to tell you. I am not a zombie on them, I still have a emotions but they come and go really quickly and I am kind of like who was that guy anyway?? If you do happen to see him DO NOT LET HIM SEE YOU UPSET!! Don't even give him the satisfaction. I have say as of recently I feel free, free from the chains that attached me to xMM and I don't have to hide anything anymore. I am so much better off without him, his wife can have his lying cheating ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 Im sorry sweetie... wish I could hang out with you and tell stories and drink some of that Vino with ya Hey babe, you got me smiling already:) Yeah I wish we could hang out, crack open a few bottles and make everything better! Don't be a stranger will ya, I need you xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 Maybe you will be better when you go back to work. It is hard being home when all you have is time to focus on this situation. If you have to cry, let it out. If I have to cry I just let the tears flow and then I am done with it (for the time being anyway) Do you think it is an option for you to take something just to even yourself out? It has helped me sooo much I can't even begin to tell you. I am not a zombie on them, I still have a emotions but they come and go really quickly and I am kind of like who was that guy anyway?? If you do happen to see him DO NOT LET HIM SEE YOU UPSET!! Don't even give him the satisfaction. I have say as of recently I feel free, free from the chains that attached me to xMM and I don't have to hide anything anymore. I am so much better off without him, his wife can have his lying cheating ass. I have just let it all out when the tears have come, being off work in that respect is a good thing but to much time on my hands certainly hasn't helped. I do think that if I'm still like this when I go back to work I may see a doctor as opening a bottle of wine every night can't continue and I know its not healthy but tell myself its Christmas and in normal circumstances I'd be out partying anyway. Work will be difficult as most people know about us and think he was separated and he used to fuss around me all the time when he was there so people will notice and ask questions. Like I said I am hoping I feel a bit stronger by then. I can't help this nagging feeling inside that I hope he is miserable, I know its immature but hey, no one is perfect! Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I was cleaning the house this morning and had my i pod on and every other song had me crying again. Me too.. did exactly the same.... had the music on very loud and sang loudly (and badly:o)... but nothing shuts out the longing and the questions and the hurt... and loss.. Hope it gets better soon for you hl4U.. I understand how it is.. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Like you said in a previous thread H4U - be careful what you wish for. I know exactly how you feel when you say you hope he is miserable. I thought exactly the same but then received that message earlier telling me that he is and I'm like, 'WTH am I supposed to do about it?' I like the putting on music and singing loudly (and badly) Brightmoon :-) I've been doing that whilst driving. I'm pretty certain I look like a lunatic. Link to post Share on other sites
CCNowWhat Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I have just let it all out when the tears have come, being off work in that respect is a good thing but to much time on my hands certainly hasn't helped. I do think that if I'm still like this when I go back to work I may see a doctor as opening a bottle of wine every night can't continue and I know its not healthy but tell myself its Christmas and in normal circumstances I'd be out partying anyway. Work will be difficult as most people know about us and think he was separated and he used to fuss around me all the time when he was there so people will notice and ask questions. Like I said I am hoping I feel a bit stronger by then. I can't help this nagging feeling inside that I hope he is miserable, I know its immature but hey, no one is perfect! The whole work situation sucks. What are you going to say if people ask you things? I didn't work with my xMM but I spent a lot of time on the phone with him & email all day long and people were asking me how come you are hardly on the phone anymore... how do I answer that? I told a couple of people at work that I had a bad breakup and that was why I seemed so closed up. I hope you are stronger by the time you go back to work!! Don't feel immature about hoping he is miserable, I feel the same way, in fact I take pleasure in knowing that he is suffering. Oh well too bad so sad!! Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Hey babe, you got me smiling already:) Yeah I wish we could hang out, crack open a few bottles and make everything better! Don't be a stranger will ya, I need you xx can I determine what "XX" means? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 Me too.. did exactly the same.... had the music on very loud and sang loudly (and badly:o)... but nothing shuts out the longing and the questions and the hurt... and loss.. Hope it gets better soon for you hl4U.. I understand how it is.. At first I put on All American Rejects and ranted 'f**k You' songs (badly) but then it went on shuffle and I was like WTF does my i pod hate me!! Its just a crap place for all of us to be and hopefully if we can help each other just a little bit then we'll get through in one piece. My heart goes out to you too, I would not wish this feeling on anyone. ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I have no words of wisdom for you, but wanted to throw my support in with everyone else's. I will say that being at work, where I couldn't dissolve in a puddle of tears did help keep my mind off my loss. On the other hand I am now at day 26 (I think) and it has gotten better. I am sure it will get worse again, but I can attest to the fact that it does get better. Hugs to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 can I determine what "XX" means? A big fat kiss on each cheek because you make me smile, what did you think they were?? See you have cheered me up already!! xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 Like you said in a previous thread H4U - be careful what you wish for. I know exactly how you feel when you say you hope he is miserable. I thought exactly the same but then received that message earlier telling me that he is and I'm like, 'WTH am I supposed to do about it?' I like the putting on music and singing loudly (and badly) Brightmoon :-) I've been doing that whilst driving. I'm pretty certain I look like a lunatic. I think knowing he won't break NC as his W has told him I will tell her (I didn't tell her that but I know thats what she's told him) helps as I'm not checking my phone or my e mails for a message from him. I think in your situation xMM can still hide things from his W as he believes you won't contact her. That is typical of what my xMM has always done before but this time him contacting me (he believes) will cost him his M. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Yeah - you're right. In my situation xMM hides everything from the W. She has no idea of the affair, so he still gets away with being a sneaky little sucker. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 The whole work situation sucks. What are you going to say if people ask you things? I didn't work with my xMM but I spent a lot of time on the phone with him & email all day long and people were asking me how come you are hardly on the phone anymore... how do I answer that? I told a couple of people at work that I had a bad breakup and that was why I seemed so closed up. I hope you are stronger by the time you go back to work!! Don't feel immature about hoping he is miserable, I feel the same way, in fact I take pleasure in knowing that he is suffering. Oh well too bad so sad!! People already asked me before we broke up for Christmas because he did what he always does and came in just so he could see me, he didn't try to talk, just looked at me with his puppydog, feel sorry for me eyes. I just say its complicated and he has a lot to sort out and after 2 yrs I've had enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 I have no words of wisdom for you, but wanted to throw my support in with everyone else's. I will say that being at work, where I couldn't dissolve in a puddle of tears did help keep my mind off my loss. On the other hand I am now at day 26 (I think) and it has gotten better. I am sure it will get worse again, but I can attest to the fact that it does get better. Hugs to you! Thank you for your hugs, its nights like these that I'm thankful to LS and everyone that finds it in their hearts to 'be there' for people like me. I also hope your pain eases at some stage and we can all find ourselves in a better place soon. Hugs back at you. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 A big fat kiss on each cheek because you make me smile, what did you think they were?? See you have cheered me up already!! xx and WHICH cheeks shall I be kissin'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 and WHICH cheeks shall I be kissin'? Are you sending me xx's back then?? Oh an for the record, all my cheeks are cute;) xx Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 (edited) Are you sending me xx's back then?? Oh an for the record, all my cheeks are cute;) xx no way, Sweet Cheeks! I just don't want any more tears flowing down those pretty cheeks of yours... I have high blood pressure right now (thanks anxiety) and don't need the extra sodium.. Edited December 27, 2009 by stampdaddy Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopeless4u Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 no way, Sweet Cheeks! I just don't want any more tears flowing down those pretty cheeks of yours... I have high blood pressure right now (thanks anxiety) and don't need the extra sodium.. OK I'll make a deal with you, no more tears on my cheeks and no more anxiety for you;) Lets both try xx Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 OK I'll make a deal with you, no more tears on my cheeks and no more anxiety for you;) Lets both try xx hey, why dont you go dig out some of Stampdaddy's poems from a while back, and see if you dont cry for me, Argentina.. Link to post Share on other sites
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