Spoke too Soon!

[Hazyhead]

Just after I post on the 'What we've Learned' thread, he contacts me. MM has sent me an email telling me how awful everything is for him at home etc. etc. etc. Why would he want me to know this after it was him that needed the NC? I can't respond to him because I have nothing constructive to tell him. How can I possibly get involved in a dialogue with him about how difficult it is for him to work on his marriage right now? Does he honestly expect sympathy from me? I understand his situation, and his decision, I do, but I cannot further discuss it with him. I think it would make me feel even worse.

 

Has anybody else had experience with the MM ending the affair then expecting that you'd want to hear updates on his situation?

[norajane]

MM are so selfish and self-centered. He believes you luv him soooo much, that you really care that he's having a hard time at home. His self-centered view hasn't allowed him to even consider how difficult it would be for you.

 

You aren't his marriage counselor, or his therapist. It's up to you to make your decision about what you want for your own life. Do you want to keep getting crap messages like that? Or do you want to be free of this albatross around your neck?

 

My suggestion would be to block his emails and phone number. There's no reason you have to put up with the whining of a selfish child.

[whichwayisup]

Just after I post on the 'What we've Learned' thread, he contacts me. MM has sent me an email telling me how awful everything is for him at home etc. etc. etc. Why would he want me to know this after it was him that needed the NC? I can't respond to him because I have nothing constructive to tell him. How can I possibly get involved in a dialogue with him about how difficult it is for him to work on his marriage right now? Does he honestly expect sympathy from me? I understand his situation, and his decision, I do, but I cannot further discuss it with him. I think it would make me feel even worse.

 

Has anybody else had experience with the MM ending the affair then expecting that you'd want to hear updates on his situation?

 

This is a tatic to get you to react, to pull on your heart strings, to make you feel sorry for him, how miserable he is, without you, that he misses you, thinks he's made a mistake. He wants your sympathy, also he wants you to react!! So he can feel better. It really is not about you at all, it's about him.

 

Stay in NC mode. Block his email.

 

He doesn't care about anybody but hiimself, if he did, he would know you hearing from him would be painful for you and it's bloody selfish of him to reach out to you. HE chose NC, HE has to stick to it. Delete, empty your trash bin and block him..

[Hazyhead]

I must be a fool because I do feel sympathy for him. What is wrong with me?! I'm not going to reply though. To be honest, I wouldn't even know what to say; I certainly won't join him on his misery mission. I have my own thanks to him and it's enough of a struggle to get through that.

 

I also can't respond because I know it'll probably continue... he'll write back and so on and so on. I feel like even though we've been in NC for only a short space of time, I've made progress and I think if I responded to him I'd throw myself back into the midst of it all again and I just can't handle that anymore.

 

Thanks for your responses.

[hopeless4u]

Ouch, that must of messed your head up. ((hugs))

 

I think my xMM's W has told him that if he breaks NC then I will tell her so I'm not expecting anything from him this time but in the past he has always broken NC and it does just start that merry go round off again.

 

I feel for you as I really don't know what I would do if I heard from him right now. Today has been difficult.

[1Angel]

What a total selfish, narcissistic, egotistical jerk! Good for you keeping no contact.

Consider this your red flag warning sign that if he ever left his BS and took up with you he wouldn't treat you well AT ALL.

[jwi71]

Manipulation.

 

He knows you love him. He knows you are weak. He preys on it.

 

Why? I dunna really...maybe he wants a counseling session with you or a friend or to get laid or to prove to himself "he's still the man" and can reel you as he wants.

 

Disgusting really...typical too.

 

Stay NC.

 

Think of it like thsi...if you respond...then what? (More of the same shyte you left)

[norajane]

Why?

 

The MM's ego needs to be fed. He misses the attention, and the admiration. He is turning to OW to make him feel better, like she always did...that is her purpose, in his view.

[Hazyhead]

Well... the 'no responding' has only been for an hour or so, and it's hard. I have been re-reading it, I know this is only indulging him further, but I still can't believe he thinks I'd want to know. I don't want him to know how much I miss him and hard I've found it, because what good would that do me? I'm sure if I sent him an email with a similar tone he'd write back saying that he's sorry but that's the way it has to be... blah, blah, blah. I don't want to live by his terms anymore. He can't just drop me then expect to be able to pick me up again when it suits him. It does break my heart and I'm finding it so hard but when he decided to work on his marriage he turned away from me.

 

Even though I haven't broken NC, it feels like I have.

[Awakening]

By telling you that he is not happy in his marriage he's attempting to keep you on the hook by planting that little seed of hope, effectively keeping you in the fallback girl position.

[norajane]

Even though I haven't broken NC, it feels like I have.

 

That's because HE broke it for you. The purpose of NC is to help you heal by eliminating further hurts that come from continued contact. This email has now put him front and center in your mind with a new hurt and new thoughts.

 

That's why blocking his emails and phone number is to your benefit. That way, you won't be checking your messages to see if he's contacted you, you won't be thinking about anything he's said, and you'll deny him the ability to manipulate you and your thoughts and feelings.

 

Please understand his message was not about you. It was about him wanting the ego feed he always got form you. Don't feel sorry for him - HE chose this.

[Hazyhead]

Thank you for your responses. I have already blocked his number from my phone. He sent the email to my main email address, which he never used to do (had a separate one set up). I feel like he's ambushed me and I'm unarmed. I know that it's going to take a little bit to get rid of the thoughts of contacting him again now, but I want so much to get back to where I was moving to, so I'll just think of that.

 

Damn him!

[stampdaddy]

Hazy, my dear, KEEP RUNNING AWAY!

 

I have less that a week here on OM/OW and I am going to help the few that I can (well, try too).

 

Please listen to me: Just keep moving FORWARD. Do not get sucked back into this. i mean, really, what can he offer you right now except MORE confusion, uncertainty, pain, broken promises etc...

 

just keep going forward.

 

That's all I got. I am here til Thursday (literally), so try the veal.....

[Hazyhead]

Thanks SD, I've looked a little into your story and in my short time I've been here on LS, you are one of the ones I've been inspired by. It's not worth more hurt, I know this. My heart is pulled in one direction but I think my head is starting to gain more power now in the struggle for what to do and everyday I feel more certain that I am better off without him, no matter how much I miss him.

 

Whilst he is married I will no longer entertain him (literally and metaphorically).

[stampdaddy]

Thanks SD, I've looked a little into your story and in my short time I've been here on LS, you are one of the ones I've been inspired by. It's not worth more hurt, I know this. My heart is pulled in one direction but I think my head is starting to gain more power now in the struggle for what to do and everyday I feel more certain that I am better off without him, no matter how much I miss him.

 

Whilst he is married I will no longer entertain him (literally and metaphorically).

 

well thanks. While I certainly wish that I wasnt an inspiration to others because of "my story", because I sure wish my story was different, or even non-existent, it IS what it is...

 

The SINGLE most thing I really, really wish I would have listened to within myself, and from the advise of others is this: THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP WHILE SHE IS MARRIED, AND IF SHE IS NO LONGER MARRIED, SEE WHAT HAPPENS THEN... And you know what, she would still be married and I would have had 5 years back IF I would have done that... I probably would have been married myself, and right now, today, would be at home, with my NEW family and now where I am, ALONE, while she is still there, at home, with her family (YES, they are divorcing, but still)

 

So, please listen to those same words that I wish I would have, that there is NO you and him right now, and DO NOT wait for it

[Fallen Angel]

Have YOU told HIM you want NC? If he is the one who asked for it, then he probably feels he has the right to break it. I would suggest a simple reply such as.. "Please do not contact me again unless you are divorced." And see if he then gets the message, that NC works BOTH ways.

[fooled once]

Delete his email and set it up so any email from him goes directly into your trashcan.

[You'reasian]

Just after I post on the 'What we've Learned' thread, he contacts me. MM has sent me an email telling me how awful everything is for him at home etc. etc. etc. Why would he want me to know this after it was him that needed the NC? I can't respond to him because I have nothing constructive to tell him. How can I possibly get involved in a dialogue with him about how difficult it is for him to work on his marriage right now? Does he honestly expect sympathy from me? I understand his situation, and his decision, I do, but I cannot further discuss it with him. I think it would make me feel even worse.

 

Has anybody else had experience with the MM ending the affair then expecting that you'd want to hear updates on his situation?

 

MM are off the market. Tell him that you no longer wish to keep contact so he can get his act together for his family. Period.

[Hazyhead]

You know what, I don't know if I did tell him I want NC too. The whole thing now is a blur to me, I may have just gone along with it agreeing that it was the best thing for him. Good point FA, I guess I'd assumed he'd know that hearing from him during his healing period wouldn't do me any good. Does he not think I would need to heal too?

 

Anyway, I've woken to another email from him today. This one talks about how much he misses me and 'us' and goes on to say how it's constantly on his mind, etc. I didn't reply to yesterday's at all. I will respond now with a simple sentence about how it is unhelpful to me, and to him, and to not contact me further whilst he is still married.

 

Again, this morning, his words crush me

[Hazyhead]

I've sent it. I logged in, got it written, deleted his and logged out. That was hard in itself not to dwell on his messages, trying to find hidden meanings like I used to.

 

I now feel like I'm back at square one. The pain is relentless.

[jj33]

The MM's ego needs to be fed. He misses the attention, and the admiration. He is turning to OW to make him feel better, like she always did...that is her purpose, in his view.

 

That is it in a nutshell. You are his oasis. When he needs a fix he contacts you. Makes him feel better to know that you are still there, still love him etc etc.

 

In his mind NC apparently means he gets no contact from you unless he needs it...

 

DONT RESPOND. Unless he comes to you with divorce papers there is nothing he has to say that you want or need to hear.

[jennie-jennie]

Hazyhead, I just wanted to tell you that I know how bad you are hurting now. My MM asked for NC for 3 months to work on his marriage. He felt he needed to give his marriage this chance, that he could not move on in any direction without doing that. NC was pure hell to me, and as it turns out to him as well. He lasted 6 days, then he contacted me again, but only to resume the affair. He still was not ready to choose.

 

He is talking differently about us since then. I don't know if it will lead to anything tangible or not though. We will see.

 

Hugs,

Jennie

[Hazyhead]

jj - I get what you are saying but the thing is with that is by him doing so he gives me my fix too - and as much as I love him (I know, I still do though) I don't want to have my fix. I'd made progress, a little tiny bit, sure, but still progress, and now I'm back to the start again, knowing and trying not to think about how he's doing. I won't contact him after this, I think that would make it worse.

 

Jennie - thank you for the hugs. I don't know how you do it, go back to the affair after moving towards yourself. I can't go back there. He had told me that he was finished with his marriage and started making plans (he was more keen on this than me - for me it felt a little rushed) to be with me full time. I can't go back to the affair - it's not enough.

[stampdaddy]

I can't go back there. He had told me that he was finished with his marriage and started making plans (he was more keen on this than me - for me it felt a little rushed) to be with me full time. I can't go back to the affair - it's not enough.

 

Then DON'T!!! It is entirely up to YOU, and you alone.. Not us, not him, NOBODY BUT YOU

 

It will NEVER be enough, not for you, not for me. For some people, sure, but not you. And here is the thing: It IS enough for your MM and it always would be, FOREVER, if he could get away with it. And it seems, he is, for now. He has said just enough to calm the seas and now is trying to venture back out to find his mermaid and her clam (that is you, by the way), but she won't be there this time..

 

anyhoo, please focus on being MAD, not sad about all of this. The moment you can realizee that this is just another of the 10000's of textbook stories that happen with AFFAIRS, the better off you will be. And NO, you don't need to make it "personal" against MM, cause he too didnt read the script before he joined the play... It just is what it is.....

[Hazyhead]

At times I feel mad, Im not sure if it's at him, or myself or just the situation, and then I think about him, or (and this is self-destructive I know) I think of his smile or his laugh or something else and I'm sad again. It's a roller-coaster of emotions. Like it always has been with him I suppose.

 

Weirdly, I have no hard feelings towards him. That surprises me but I feel I let myself get into this really. I never asked for this pain, obviously, but I knew the risk. And I know the risk if I go back there.